


Distraction

by MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ace!Sirius, Alcohol, Anti-Snape, Canon Compliant, Drinking, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Humor, James is a sweetheart, Light Angst, Lily's dad dies right before the fic starts, Mutual Pining, Parent Death, Romance, Sirius is asexual, Slow Burn, Soft James Potter, Swearing, curse words, even tho they hook up early, i like f bombs, jily, just in case those bother anyone, meaning f-ck not any other f slurs, oblivious kids, prejudice against muggles, there's a long fuse on this one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:47:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 101,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24445294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld/pseuds/MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld
Summary: Lily needs comforting when she returns to Hogwarts for her 7th year, and James wants to be the one to provide it. Now, in addition to battling budding Death Eaters, they're battling a hundred different emotions (lust among them) as they try to figure out what they mean to each other and where they belong in the world.Kickin' it old school-- Canon-verse (but with shared Head dorms, of course), friends with benefits, eventual romance. Some smut, not sure how much yet? Content warning: Parent Death, Grief/Mourning, Eventual Smut, Alcohol use.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 526
Kudos: 320





	1. In Which Lily Nurses a Heartache, and Is Surprised by the New Head Boy

**Author's Note:**

> OMGGG I'm so glad to be posting this, bits and pieces of it have been bouncing around on my hard drive and in my head for literal YEARS! ENDLESS THANKS to Ao3 users LittleJeannieBean, Solstilla, and MidnightElite for their endless support of me and gracious early reads of this fic. You're all so kind and wonderful! Also, double thanks to Jeannie for being such a thorough and thoughtful beta, there are entire chapters of this fic that work thanks to her. xo
> 
> I plan to post a chapter of this at least once a week (sometimes 2 chapters) until it's done. I will do my best to stick to this schedule, but sometimes life gets in the way. Thanks for your patience :-)

Lily Evans sat alone in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express, her chin propped up on her small, pale hand, her wide green eyes unfocused as she stared out the window. Though the train hadn’t yet left King’s Cross Station, her mind was already a million miles away. She’d snuck onto the train early and thus far avoided her friends Dorcas Meadowes and Marlene McKinnon, and even Remus Lupin, although she knew she’d probably have to find him shortly for the prefects’ meeting.

To _lead_ the prefects meeting, that is. Because four weeks ago, Lily had received the letter informing her that she’d been chosen as Head Girl at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for the 1977-1978 school year. She assumed Remus had been chosen as Head Boy, but he hadn’t responded to her letter seeking confirmation.

That was all right. They had a long train ride ahead of them, with plenty of time to meet the other prefects and remind everyone of their duties before they arrived at school. For now, Lily just wanted to be alone.

And so she sat there, in solitude, staring out the window. She was barely aware of her fellow witches and wizards bustling about the platform as she replayed in her mind the conversation she’d had with her boyfriend – now ex-boyfriend – Anthony yesterday afternoon.

 _“It’s going to kill me to be away from you, Lilypad,”_ _he’d said, grasping both of her hands and pulling them to his lips for a kiss._

 _She’d gazed up at him with stars in her eyes_. “ _Me, too.”_

_“I know.” He squeezed her fingers. “I care about you so much. So, so much.”_

That should’ve been her first signal that something was off, she realized now. Last week, he’d loved her. Now, he only _cared_ for her. _So much_.

Alone in her train compartment, Lily snorted. “So much, my arse,” she muttered.

Because right after he’d professed to care so deeply, Anthony had launched into an unexpected and tortured explanation of how, with him spending the year abroad studying law and her returning to “boarding school in Scotland,” it would be too difficult to maintain this “thing” they’d been doing for the past eight months.

_“It just wouldn’t be fair, Lilypad,” he’d said solemnly. “Not to either of us, would it, to try to keep going knowing we won’t have the time to commit to each other like we’d want to?”_

She’d been completely shocked _. “I know it will be hard,” she’d said, “but I’m so proud of you, studying to become a solicitor. I understand you’ll be busy this term. But you’ll write to me when you can, like we did last Spring, and I’ll see you at Christmas.”_ There’d been an edge of desperation to her voice when she added, _“We don’t have to break up.”_

 _“You don’t want to spend your last year of sixth-form cooped up in your room writing to your boyfriend across the channel,” Anthony had replied, ever reasonable. “You should be going out with your friends.”_ He’d tucked her hair behind her ear, the bastard. _“I won’t be able to enjoy myself in France if I don’t think you’re having fun, too.”_

_“I don’t want to have fun without you,” she’d whispered._

She hated that she’d said that. It was pathetic, really. But in her mind, until that very moment, things between her and Anthony had been _perfect_. In fact, he’d been the one bright spot in an otherwise terrible summer holiday. He was charming and thoughtful and, barely three weeks ago, he’d told her he loved her, right before they’d had sex for the first time in the meadow behind his parents’ house. He’d planned a night of star-gazing and brought a bottle of wine and some fancy cheese, and Lily had never felt more grown-up and appreciated.

And now he’d cast her aside like a used tissue.

Lily sighed heavily.

One more tie to the Muggle world severed.

The train began to pull slowly away from the station, and to Lily’s surprise, no one had burst in to her compartment searching for a seat yet. _Thank Merlin for it,_ she thought, as her eyes filled with tears. She refused to blink them away, out of principle. She swept a strand of auburn hair back from her face and sat up straighter, imagining herself the proud heroine in a Jane Austen novel – like Elinor in _Sense and Sensibility_ – too gracious, calm, and collected to be ruled by her emotions.

So focused was she on maintaining her stoic persona that she literally jumped when the door to her cabin banged open. With a gasp, she turned to face the intruder.

“All right, Evans?” James Potter leaned casually against the doorframe, all long limbs and broad shoulders and easy, athletic grace. His dark hair, disheveled as always, was long enough that his curls were starting to show. His skin, usually the approximate color of honey, had taken on an even deeper bronze tone after months in the summer sun. He hadn’t changed into his school robes yet and was instead dressed like a Muggle in jeans and a fitted white t-shirt. And between the shirt and the way his arms were crossed over his chest, Lily couldn’t help but notice that he had developed quite a few muscles that weren’t there last year.

He looked _good_. “Potter!” she squealed in surprise. She swallowed hard and forced her voice back down to its normal register. “You startled me!”

“Terribly sorry,” he said, in a way that suggested he wasn’t. He flashed a lopsided grin and sat down across from Lily. “Did you have a nice summer?”

And Lily’s face fell like rain.

“Ah, bollocks.” James’ frown mirrored Lily’s. “I’m a bloody idiot. Of course you didn’t. I was so sorry to hear about your father, Evans.”

Lily’s lip trembled, the guilt threatening smother her like a wet blanket. “Thanks,” she muttered, not meeting James’ eyes. But she said nothing more.

How could she, knowing that today the loss she was mourning was that of a silly boy who had moved on and not her father, her wonderful, sweet, father, who had done his best to raise her and Petunia on his own in the five years since Lily’s mother had died? How could she explain that of course her father’s death was tragic, but she’d had three months to cope with that, to process it, and it was now more of a constant, dull ache, as compared with the raw, still-bloody emotional wounds she’d received just last night?

She couldn’t. She felt terrible and selfish, and James Potter was the last person she could explain any of that to. She sucked in a shaky breath, once again on the verge of tears.

James saw the series of expressions that ran across Lily’s face, and the tears pooling in her beautiful eyes, but – despite having studied that face for years – it seemed he couldn’t read her in that moment. He opened and immediately closed his mouth, then reached for her, his hand faltering in mid-air before coming to rest gently on her knee, only to be snatched away when she glared at it as though it had burned her.

“Sorry,” he said, quickly. “I, uh…” He trailed off, then finished awkwardly, “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

“I doubt it,” Lily said curtly. James winced, and Lily closed her eyes and sighed. She wasn’t angry at him. She was sad about Anthony, and ashamed of her misplaced grief, and _lonely_. _No mother, no father, no sister, no boyfriend_ , she thought miserably. But none of that was James’ fault, and so far, today, he’d done nothing but be kind to her. She opened her eyes and gave him a half-smile.

“I mean,” she started over, “thanks, Potter. I appreciate it.” She sighed again. “Right now, I just need to find the Head Boy and see if he’s got the prefects’ list for this year. I didn’t have one in my letter.” James smirked, and Lily raised an eyebrow. “What? Is it Remus? I wrote him, but I never heard back.”

“Yes, well.” James rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, and Lily noticed again how nicely his t-shirt highlighted his biceps. “About that…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEEEEEE I'M SO EXCITED TO FINALLY POST THIS! Hope you love it as much as I do😊


	2. In Which the Marauders Plan a Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters tonight, to start this adventure off right😁

“All right, lads?” James said, joining his mates in a compartment near the back of the train. Remus Lupin, who had been stretched out on one of the benches with his fingers laced behind his head, sat up and yawned as James slid onto the bench next to him. Peter Pettigrew’s face lit up at the sight of his friend, but Sirius Black glared at James accusingly.

“I’m glad you’re back, I was beginning to worry,” he said, brushing his shaggy black hair back from his face. He gestured impatiently at Remus, who took a rubber band from his own slender wrist and handed it to Sirius. Sirius pulled his chin-length locks into a short tail, then folded his arms across his chest in a disapproving manner. “You should’ve let me come with you. Evans could very well have hexed your bollocks off.”

James winced at the thought. “Well, you’d have only made that more likely,” he countered. “If I’d shown up with you, she’d have thought I was taking the piss for sure.”

“Evans adores me!” Sirius exclaimed.

“She might, but she certainly doesn’t trust you,” Peter said.

“And with good reason,” Remus added, reaching over to pat Sirius’ knee. Sirius slapped his hand away and pouted.

“Wow, thanks for the support, really,” he drawled, shaking his head. “With mates like these…”

James ruffled his hair absently, oblivious to Sirius’ whining. “Do you think we should throw a start-of-term party tomorrow?”

Sirius perked up immediately. "And here I was worried becoming Head Boy would change you.”

“It ought to,” Remus chided. “By the way, how _did_ Lily react when you delivered the news?”

“Hard to say.” James grimaced. “She was crying.”

Peter’s pale blue eyes went wide. “That’s worse than expected.”

“Not because of me,” James clarified. “At least, I don’t think so. Although I doubt I helped matters. But she looked miserable when I found her, and then I asked about her father…”

“That was stupid of you,” Remus said helpfully.

“I know, I know! I actually asked about her summer holiday, but it amounts to the same thing, doesn’t it?” He sighed. “Regardless, that’s part of why I want to have a party. Lift her spirits.”

“That’s as good an excuse for a party as any,” Sirius said, smacking his hands together. “Pete, Remie, and I will spread the word. Best for our Head Boy to maintain plausible deniability.” He winked.

“I’ve told you not to call me Remie,” Remus said sternly. “And if we get caught, there’s no way McGonagall will believe James wasn’t involved.”

“Well then,” Sirius said, grey eyes twinkling, “I guess we’d better not get caught.”

* * *

The Marauders – for that is what Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter called themselves, adorable dorks that they were – got to work planning the party as soon as they arrived at Hogwarts that evening. They agreed that Remus would enlist the help of the Gryffindor seventh-year girls, Peter would be in charge of securing snacks from the Hogwarts kitchens, and Sirius would sneak into Hogsmeade for beverages. By tomorrow, they’d have everything they needed to throw the best Welcome Back bash the school had ever seen.

While the others were planning, Lily and James conducted their first prefect meeting as Head Boy and Girl.

“Welcome, everyone!” Lily said brightly as the meeting began. “Congratulations on being chosen as prefects this year, especially to our new faces in the room.”

“Yes, congrats,” said Diana Hodges, a Ravenclaw sixth-year prefect with full lips and thin, arched eyebrows that made her appear constantly skeptical. “Especially to our new Head Boy.”

Jacob O’Malley, a redheaded, fridge-sized young man from Hufflepuff, fidgeted and looked at his hands. Lily wondered if he was annoyed at having been passed over for the position, since he certainly would have been a more obvious choice. She glanced around and saw that Vanity Parkinson and Severus Snape, the Slytherin seventh-year prefects, had both scrunched up their noses as though they smelled something terrible. Even Eddie Bones, a Ravenclaw and friend of James’, looked curious.

Snape cleared his throat. “Unprecedented, isn’t it?” he asked in a low voice as oily as his hair. “In the past, Head Boy has always been chosen from among the prior year’s prefects.”

“Is that so?” James raised his eyebrows above his glasses in feigned surprise. Then he grinned widely. “I guess that makes me exceptional.”

Lily tried not to return his smile. “Exceptionally _arrogant_ ,” she said, but her accompanying eyeroll wasn’t nearly as exasperated as she wanted it to be. She turned back to face the students seated in front of her with a more stern expression. “But Dumbledore has his reasons, I’m sure. And he wouldn’t have chosen Potter if he wasn’t the best man for the job.”

There was a loud sniff from Livia Burke, a dark-haired fifth-year prefect from Slytherin. “Right, because it certainly couldn’t be because Fleamont Potter was just named head of the Board of Governors,” she said in a loud whisper.

James seemed to stiffen for a moment, but he didn’t acknowledge Livia. “I’m honored you think so, Evans,” he said lightly, turning to give Lily a mock bow. “I intend to do both you and Dumbledore proud. Now—” he clapped his hands and smiled at the group gathered in front of them “—let’s go over our rules and responsibilities, shall we?”

The prefects (most of them, anyway) listened attentively while Lily covered the basic rules they’d be expected to enforce for the year. James handed out notices for them to post in their houses’ common rooms – including what seemed to be an ever-expanding list of restricted and forbidden areas – and went over their duties.

“Lily and I will handle rounds tomorrow, it’s important to lead by example,” he said seriously, as the meeting came to a close. “But we’ll have the prefects’ schedule posted in here by Saturday, so you lot will need to check your shifts for the next week.”

“Right,” Lily agreed. She noticed Snape staring at her, his thin lips just an angry slash in his sallow face and his black eyes narrowed, but she refused to meet his gaze. “So, unless there are any questions, I suppose that’s it for today.”

Snape just sniffed and folded his arms over his chest. The other prefects looked bored, except for Hufflepuff Damocles Belby, who was probably daydreaming about supper, and Livia and the other fifth-year Slytherin, Timothy Sterling, who were snickering together and sneaking glances at James.

Their whispers irritated Lily. “Burke, Sterling?” she asked, channeling her best McGonagall, “Do you have any questions?”

Livia giggled again and purposely didn’t look at Lily as she answered. “No, no questions,” she said, studying her neatly-trimmed fingernails. “I understand everything _perfectly_.”

Lily narrowed her eyes and made a mental note to keep an eye on that girl all year. James just smiled out at everyone as though there’d been no interruption. “Brilliant,” he said, nodding. “On your way, then.” The prefects filed out of the room, James waving merrily as they went.

As soon as the room emptied, Lily turned to James and wrinkled her nose. “Livia Burke is a piece of work,” she said.

“That she is,” James agreed. “But don’t let her get you down, she doesn’t bother me in the slightest.” His grin widened.

Lily remembered James’ slight hesitation when Livia had first mentioned his father and frowned. “Are you sure?”

“Completely,” he assured her. “Everything’s grand!”

Now he sounded _too_ cheery. Lily put her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows. “You’re plotting something, aren’t you?”

The corner of James’ mouth twitched. “Whatever do you mean?”

“You’re totally unbothered by some snotty fifth-year claiming you’ve only got this position because of nepotism. You, who has a witty comeback for everything and everyone in every situation. _And_ you’ve volunteered us to do rounds tomorrow, on the first Friday of term. What’re you playing at?”

“You think I’m witty, eh?” James said, his eyes dancing behind his chunky, black-framed glasses.

Lily opened her mouth to reply that that wasn’t the point, but her thoughts scattered in a million directions, like confetti out of a Christmas cracker. She furrowed her brow.

It was those dancing eyes that did it. They were prettier than Lily had remembered, golden-brown at the rims blending to mossy green in the center, but in the office light, there were flecks of amber and bronze, too. How had she never noticed that coppery glow? It was quite distracting.

She shook her head quickly and raised her eyebrows again. With the sternest look she could muster, she growled his name like a warning: “Potter.”

James’ loud laughter let Lily know he wasn’t heeding her attempted warning at all. “Maybe not everything requires a witty comeback, Evans. I’m trying not to concern myself with small-minded people. Livia’s on that list,” he said, shrugging nonchalantly. “But if you _must_ know, the source of my good cheer is a small shindig the lads and I have planned for tomorrow evening. That’s why I’ve scheduled us for rounds—we’re much less likely to draw the attention of the authorities if we _are_ the authorities, don’t you think?”

Concerns about both Livia and James’ beautiful eyes dropped from Lily’s mind immediately. “Potter!” she said again, this time more curse than warning. “I’ve just defended you as a worthy Head Boy! Dumbledore’s handed you this great responsibility, and the first thing you plan to do is violate his trust?”

“Aw, don’t look at it like that, Evans.” James clapped a hand to her shoulder and gave it a gentle jiggle. “Dumbledore wouldn’t begrudge us a little start-of-term fun. Couldn’t you use a bit of fun?”

Lily shrugged out from under his hand. “That isn’t the point! It’s an insult to the position! Not to mention, it would be absurd to get detention two days into the term.”

James’ mouth curved up in a cheeky smile. “Is Lily Evans scared of a little detention?”

His eyes were sparking again – maybe they’d never stopped -- and his expression made Lily want to forget all her responsibilities and partake in whatever fun he had in mind. She folded her arms over her chest, trying to both literally and metaphorically close herself off to such possibilities.

“You know I’m not,” she said, lifting her chin. “I’ve had detention for worse than an illicit party. But I don’t go out of my way to get in trouble like you do, either.”

“Hmm.” James stroked his chin in an exaggerated manner. “It sort of _sounds_ like you’re scared.”

“Or maybe you don’t know the difference between fear and reason!”

“Besides,” he continued, ignoring her protest, “I’m actually going out of my way _not_ to get in trouble this time, don’t you see? That’s exactly why you and I will do rounds.”

Lily opened her mouth to object, then closed it and huffed out a breath. “How do you do that?” she asked, narrowing her eyes. “Make everything you’re suggesting sound reasonable?”

“It’s a talent,” he replied, beaming at her. “And what I’m suggesting _is_ reasonable.”

“I don’t think it is.” Lily rolled her eyes and shook her head in resignation. “But I’ll not be the one to deny us a welcome-back party. I am Gryffindor, after all.”

James hooted and pumped his fist. “That’s the spirit, Evans!”

“But—” Lily shook a warning finger at him “—we won’t make a habit of abusing our power like this, eh?”

He stopped celebrating and nodded firmly. “I’d never. I solemnly swear.”

His somber tone was somewhat belied by the smirk playing at his lips, leading Lily to purse hers.

“Somehow, that is not reassuring.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you're enjoying it so far. I look foward to hearing what y'all think along the way :-) xo


	3. In Which Lily Gets Some Advice from Her Girlfriends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, there will be alcohol and drinking references in this chapter and others going forward!
> 
> Also, I did my best with Mary speaking Scots, but I'm sure it's not perfect. If you see I've butchered something terribly, please (politely) let me know!

Despite that the Heads had their own private bedrooms, separated by a small shared sitting room at the top of Gryffindor Tower, Lily was getting ready for the Marauders’ party in the seventh-year girls’ dormitory with her former roommates. She’d lived with these girls for the past six years now, and she knew Dorcas and Marlene needed her fashion advice just as much as she needed Mary’s help with make-up. And no outfit would be complete if they couldn’t all paw through Evelyn’s jewelry collection to find the best accessories.

In Lily’s case, tonight, it had all come together to glorious effect. She was wearing a corduroy skirt, a cream jumper that showed just a touch more cleavage than was her habit, and brown platform boots. She had on large gold hoop earrings, and on each wrist she wore several gold bangles. Mary had done Lily’s eye makeup in purple, to make her green eyes pop, and used a thick brown pencil to give her a sultry, cat-eye liner. Lily preened a bit in the mirror, then wondered who she was hoping to impress.

Dorcas came to stand next to her, and Lily stretched an arm around the shorter girl’s shoulders. Dorcas grinned and wrapped an arm around Lily’s waist, giving her a squeeze. “You look great, Lil.”

“Thanks, love,” Lily said, distractedly. She applied some cherry lip balm, then turned to Dorcas with a half-smile. “You do, too.”

“I make the best of what I’ve got,” Dorcas said flippantly. She was wearing a burnt orange jumpsuit with flared legs, a ton of turquoise jewelry, and had her Afro pulled back from her face with a wide headband. She patted her hair and cast a hopeful glance at Marlene, who was seated on the floor and fiddling with the wireless radio in an attempt to find the Harpies-Cannons match. When Marlene didn’t look up, Dorcas turned back to Lily. “And I’m ready to get drunk and make some bad decisions!”

“Oh, whatever, Dor,” Mary called from the bathroom, where she was carefully applying her own makeup. “Ye’ve ne’er made a bad decision in yer whole life!”

Dorcas pulled a face and giggled. “There’s a first time for everything, right, Lil?”

Lily grinned but shook her head. “You can do what you want, but I can’t make bad decisions tonight. I’m Head Girl.”

“Ooh, _Head Girl_ ,” the other girls chorused, laughing.

“Oh, come on! Let loose a little!” their fifth roommate, Evelyn Danforth, cried, as she fluffed her perfectly-feathered blonde hair. “Dance a little, drink a little, maybe find someone to snog—”

“Whoa, I’m not ready to snog anyone yet,” Lily said quickly, her light-hearted mood shifting. Her girlfriends had eventually found her on the Hogwarts Express yesterday, and they’d comforted her with shoulders to cry on (metaphorically) and loads of sweets from the trolley once she’d told them her story. “Just because I’ve made it through the day without crying about that tosser—”

“Anthony, was it? What a bloody arsehole,” Evelyn said.

“Ugh, don’t say his name,” Lily said, shuddering. “My plan is to forget he ever existed.”

“Shall we call him You-Know-Who?” Dorcas offered, grinning.

Lily laughed. “Yes, please,” she said. “Just because I’m not moping about _You-Know-Who_ doesn’t mean I’m ready to throw myself at the next bloke who looks my way.”

“Pish, Lils. I think ye could use the distraction,” Mary said, stepping into the room wearing a pink bra and knickers.

“Too right,” Evelyn agreed. “My Nan always said best way to get _over_ one bloke is to get _under_ the next one.” She wiggled her eyebrows at Lily and snickered.

Dorcas burst into high-pitched laughter. “Evie, you’re terrible!”

But Lily shook her head frantically. “I’m certainly not ready for _that_!”

“Come off it, Lily,” Evelyn said dismissively. “You did the deed with Ant—”

“He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!” Dorcas shrieked, still giggling.

“Right, him. Point is, you’ve already done it. But you’ve probably got him up on some sort of pedestal now because he was your first. I bet it wasn’t even that good!” Evelyn raised her eyebrows, silently asking Lily for confirmation.

“I’m not talking about this with you,” Lily said, blushing. Evelyn was the most forward of her friends, but Lily wasn’t as close with her as she was with Marlene or Dorcas. And even though Anthony _had_ turned out to be an arsehole, Lily wasn’t ready to dismiss her time with him as though it had meant nothing.

The way he’d held her hand through her father’s funeral would always mean something to her.

Her heart clenched at the memory, and she turned away from Eve and tried to change the subject. “Are you lot ready?” she asked, her tone falsely bright. “I want to get down to the party. I’ve a bit more than an hour before we’ve got rounds, and I’ll better tolerate Potter with some firewhiskey in me.”

“Oh, come oan, Lil. Potter’s nae that bad!” Mary said, tugging on a pair of tight, leather bell-bottoms. Between the pink and gold eyeshadow she’d chosen, her impossibly long legs, and her long, wavy, brown hair, she looked like Cher ready for a photoshoot. “Ye said yerself he was actually very sweet when he came to tell ye he was Head Boy.”

Lily furrowed her brow. She wasn’t sure she wanted to think about James’ apparent kindness any more than she did Anthony’s. “He was, I suppose. But, I dunno. This party is proof he has no intention of following the rules, isn’t it, and eventually that’s going to put me in an awkward position.” She shook her head. “I told the prefects I thought he’d do wonderfully, but I honestly can’t believe Dumbledore chose him for Head Boy!”

“It’s mad, isn’t it?” Dorcas agreed, although she looked delighted by the sheer audacity of it. “He’s broken every school rule there is!”

“Not _every_ rule. Besides, his whole attitude’s changed lately,” Marlene declared, finally turning her attention away from the radio in order to defend James, who was one of her best friends. “He would never want to let Dumbledore down.”

“Aye, even last year he’d grown up a bit, dinnae ye think?” Mary added thoughtfully. “Ah cannae recall last time he hexed someone whae dinnae deserve it.”

“And he’s actually at his best when he’s responsible for others,” Marlene said. She twisted her long strawberry-blonde hair into a knot and stuck her wand through it to hold it in place. “Did you know he tutors second- and third-years for their Transfiguration exams?”

Lily raised her eyebrows. “Does he?” she asked, hoping she didn’t sound too impressed. She shrugged. “I can’t picture it.”

She actually could picture it perfectly – not least because James had helped her catch up on her Transfiguration lessons last spring, after she’d missed class due to a stomach bug. He’d sounded so earnest when he offered, and so thrilled when she’d agreed. She quickly found that his enthusiasm for the subject was infectious. He was a patient and kind instructor, and, surprisingly, she’d really enjoyed revising with him.

In fact, if she were honest with herself, her desire for firewhiskey tonight was less about _tolerating_ him and more about masking the odd truth that she was actually _looking forward_ to spending more time with him this year – unreasonable, boundary-pushing plans and all.

She turned back to the mirror and tried to sound casual. “Anyroad, he’s spent the past six years antagonizing everyone in this bloody school for his own amusement. Even when he’s being nice to me, I can hardly tell if he’s chatting me up or taking the piss.”

Mary and Marlene burst into laughter, and Lily’s face went hot. Dorcas gave her a sympathetic-but-knowing smile, and Evelyn just shook her head wearily.

“Don’t be absurd. He’s definitely chatting you up, and he has been for years,” she said, and Lily saw the moment when Eve’s face lit up as clearly as if a lightbulb had appeared over her head. “Actually, he’d be the perfect distraction from You-Know-Who! I’m sure James would be more than happy to take your mind off him.” She grinned slyly.

“Ooh, that’s magic!” Mary looked delighted. “Potter is fit, ye cannae argue with that.”

Both Marlene and Lily frowned. “You can’t just use Jamie like that,” Marlene said, standing and putting her hands on her hips, her brown eyes fixed sternly on Lily. “He really likes you.”

Lily snorted. “Actually, I’m quite sure I’m a pawn in some elaborate game he’s playing. But—” she held up a hand to forestall Marlene’s protestations “—in any event, I wouldn’t. Can you even imagine?”

“Yes!” Evelyn, Mary, and Dorcas chorused. They dissolved into giggles.

“Admit it, Lil, James is dead sexy,” Dorcas said, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

Marlene shuddered. “He’s like a brother to me, you know. I can’t see him as anything but a scrawny git who hasn’t grown into his feet yet.”

“He’s _hardly_ scrawny these days, Marlene,” Evelyn said wickedly. “Isn’t that right, Lily?”

“I—I hadn’t thought about it.” Lily blushed again at the lie. “But that isn’t the point! I’ve only just learnt to stand the sight of him, haven’t I, and now I’ve got to work with him all year. And he’s got to respect me as Head Girl! And—” she was pacing now, waving her hands as she talked “—Potter is _not_ the type to respect me if I let him shag me silly in a broom cupboard!”

“Dae ye _want_ tae shag ‘im in a broom cupboard?” Mary cried, and Dorcas shrieked with laughter.

“That isn’t—”

“Hold on, now. James would never treat you with anything _but_ respect, Lily,” Marlene declared. “He’s not that type of bloke.” She tapped her lips thoughtfully, then nodded as if she’d come to some sort of conclusion. “In fact, as long as you’re clear about your intentions, I’m all right with you having a go at him. If you want to.”

“I’m not saying I want—this was _their_ idea!” Lily said accusingly, but the other girls just laughed more.

“ _But if you do_ ,” Marlene said, reaching over and pressing down on Lily’s shoulders. “I approve. I think a bit of snogging could be good for both of you, really. Just be honest. And be kind to him.”

“You lot are mental,” Lily declared, shaking her head. “Let’s just go to the party.”

“Yes, where James is probably waiting for you,” Evelyn said, in her most seductive voice.

“Only because we’ve got to do rounds!” Lily yelled, over the girls’ snickering.

“Rounds where ye’ll take a dander through empty corridors an’ have a peek in all the broom cupboards, aye?” Mary asked, eyes twinkling.

“In the interest of _duty_ , of course,” Dorcas added, grinning.

“Oh, put a sock in it. You’re terrible friends, all of you,” Lily grumped, but she couldn’t keep the smile off her face as they wrapped their arms around in her in a group hug. “Let’s go.”


	4. In Which Lily Is Drunk, and James Exercises Appropriate Self-Control

James was unaware of Lily’s plan to have a drink before she had to face him, but he did know that, by the time he tapped her on the shoulder to let her know it was time for rounds, she’d had no fewer than three cups of Pete’s Potent Party Punch (trademark pending). She paused in the midst of the very silly tango she was dancing with Dorcas, dipped her friend dramatically, and twirled her into Marlene’s waiting arms. Then she flashed a brilliant grin at James and literally skipped out of the Room of Requirement.

She continued skipping through the corridors, dancing and humming to herself as she peeked around corners and shone a light from her wand into empty classrooms. James followed behind her, his expression amused.

“And…what have we here?” Lily cried, throwing open a cupboard next to the landing of one of the moving staircases. The closet was empty but for cleaning supplies, and Lily closed the door with a shrug. “That one’s fine,” she reported to James. He stifled a laugh.

“Well done, Evans. You’re quite good at this.”

Lily stuck out her tongue at him. “I am,” she said proudly. She pointed to the staircase. “Shall we head up? We’ve still got to inspect the Astromony tower.”

“Astro-what, now?” James said, and this time he couldn’t hide a smile.

“Shut it,” Lily said, her words a little soft around the edges. “You know the one I mean.”

“Indeed. But we might as well head to the dungeons while we’re on this level, don’t you think?”

“Ugh, must we?” Lily shuddered. “I _hate_ the dungeons.”

James shot her a surprised look. “I’d have thought you had a fondness for it just off the strength of Sluggy’s office being down here. You are his favorite, after all.” Lily glared at him and opened her mouth to object, and James held up his hands innocently. “And well earned! You’re brilliant at potions.”

“I—well. Hmph.” Lily closed her mouth. “Thank you. But it’s creepy down here. And cold.” She shivered again, but whether it was genuine or for effect, James couldn’t tell.

Either way, it was really cute. “That it is,” he said with a solemn nod. “But don’t worry, I’ll protect you from ogres and gremlins and the like.” He winked at her and sauntered down the corridor towards Syltherin House.

When Lily didn’t follow immediately, James glanced over his shoulder and found her watching him with a faraway look in her eyes. “You coming?”

She blushed and licked her lips, and James’ trousers immediately got a bit tighter. “Yes, sorry!” Lily exclaimed, hurrying to catch up to him. She peeked at him out of the corners of her eyes. “Was just…thinking about something.”

The look she was giving him made James very curious about what, exactly, she’d been thinking.

She must have sensed he was going to ask, because she put a finger to her lips and stage-whispered, “I’m not telling!” then cackled like she found herself hilarious.

James grinned. Drunk Lily was adorable.

She began skipping again, outpacing him as they turned the corner into the last corridor they needed to examine before leaving the dungeons – and skipped directly into Professor Slughorn.

“Oof!” she cried, practically bouncing off his rotund stomach. “So sorry Professor!” She burst into a fresh round of giggles.

“Good heavens, my dear, are you quite all right?”

Lily’s eyes went wide and she clamped her lips together, apparently in an attempt compose herself. “Yes, I’m _wonderful_ , thank you, and yourself?” She clasped her hands together in front of her and clicked her heels.

Slughorn looked completely baffled, and James cringed. “Just completing rounds, Professor,” he said with an authoritative nod. “Dungeons are all clear.”

“All clear!” Lily echoed, too loudly. She stifled another laugh.

“Hmm. Miss Evans, you’re sure you’re all right?”

“She wasn’t feeling well earlier, sir, so she took a bit of Pepper-Up Potion. You know, preemptive measures,” James said quickly. “Wouldn’t do for our Head Girl to fall ill the first week of term, would it?”

“I see,” Slughorn said with a dubious frown. “Are you certain she got the dosage right?”

“A potions savant like Evans wouldn’t mix up the dosage, would she, sir?” James schooled his features to what he hoped was a sincere expression.

“I would not!” Lily said, almost seriously. “And I feel much better now, thank you.” She turned on her heel and waved a finger in the air with a flourish. “Step lively, Potter, we’ve got rounds to finish! Ta-ra, Professor!”

She held herself mostly together until they made it back to the main corridor near the entrance to the dungeons. Then she collapsed against the wall, eyes shining and her face flushed with wheezy laughter.

“Whoa, there,” James said, grabbing her by the shoulders to stop her from melting into a puddle on the floor. “Evans, you’re a bit of a disaster right now.” He slid his hands down the sides of her arms, holding her steady, and smiled fondly.

“I’m not, either,” Lily murmured. She glanced at his hands, still on her arms, then tilted her head back to look up at his face. Her expression turned serious, intense, and James – well, he’d always thought the concept of drowning in someone’s eyes was a metaphor, hyperbole, but now he was certain he was in very real danger of it happening to him.

He wet his lips and opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.

And then Lily Evans put both hands on his chest, rose up on her toes, and kissed him.

James froze in shock for a moment, then responded with a near ferocious intensity, threading one hand through the hair at the nape of her neck and wrapping the other around her waist, pulling her to him. A murmur escaped from deep in Lily’s throat, and then her lips parted and her tongue was teasing his, and somehow she was pushing _him_ against the corridor wall, and soon they were smashed together, both panting, hearts pounding as they devoured each other.

Lily ran her hands over James’ chest, down his sides, back up his chest and over his shoulders, and he groaned. She giggled in response and let her head drop back, exposing her neck and reminding James just how low-cut her jumper really was. His lips brushed along her jaw as she drew away, and she hummed in satisfaction.

She let out a deep sigh, and when she opened her eyes, her pupils were huge. “That was nice,” she whispered. “We should do that s’more.”

“I’d like that,” James said weakly, and Lily smiled and leaned towards him. But James stopped her before she could kiss him again. “I really would. Really, really would.” He took a deep breath and stepped away from her. “But you’re pissed, Evans. I can’t…” He looked away and sighed. “Not like this.”

Lily tilted her head, eyebrows drawn together with her frown. “I’m not drunk. Jus’ a little tipsy,” she said, her slurred words undermining her message. “And iss import— _important_ for me to kiss you.”

“It’s important, eh?” He tried to smirk like her answer didn’t matter much, but his heart was thudding in his chest.

“Mmhmm.” Lily nodded and looked up at him through her eyelashes. “S’good for us.”

“Is that so?” James felt himself getting sucked into her eyes again, her pupils wide enough to swallow him whole. He took a deep breath, steeling himself against her hungry gaze. “Then let’s chat when you’re sober, all right? Now, come on. We should go to the Astronomy tower—”

“Ooh, Mr. Potter,” Lily said with a cheeky grin. She took a step towards him, and perhaps it was an effect of the alcohol, but James noted a little extra sway in her hips as she walked. She stood on her tiptoes and whispered in his ear, “What wouldja like to do in the Astronomy tower?”

James released a desperate, guttural sound that was more whimper than groan. “Evans, you’re killing me!” He backed away from her, then turned and all but ran up the stairs.

Lily followed behind him, giggling. “You’re acting like _I’m_ the tease, but _you’re_ the one who won’t kiss me.” She twirled away from him once she reached the landing, but she wobbled when she stopped spinning. “Uh-oh.”

“Uh-oh?”

“Sh’nt spin ‘round,” she mumbled, right before she threw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favorite chapters, lol. Hope y'all enjoyed it, too! Chapter 5 coming next Saturday :-)


	5. In Which James Makes Another Reasonable Suggestion

James cleaned up the vomit with magic and helped Lily to the Heads’ Common Room, sensibly ignoring her request that he just leave her in the corridor to perish in peace.

“Since you brought me here, you have to stay with me,” Lily mumbled as he set her on her feet in the lounge.

“Or, I could leave you here with a bin and go back to the party I’m missing,” he said, his tone a bit grumpy. But Lily knew he wouldn’t.

“I have to get soberer,” she protested. “I’m not able to sleep yet, the walls’re spinning.” She sat down on the small sofa that decorated their shared sitting room and took slow, deep breaths.

“Are you likely to lose your lunch again?” James asked warily. “Should we get you to your toilet?”

“No, I’m all right. Just need to sit here,” she said softly, closing her eyes. She tugged at her v-neck collar and added, “And ditch this jumper. It’s terribly hot.”

She opened her eyes and found James staring at her neckline. She felt her cheeks flush, but she realized she didn’t mind his gaze. She wondered at that for a moment – she should mind his leering, shouldn’t she? But his expression didn’t seem like leering. It felt sort of…reverent. Like he was looking at something precious.

Lily nearly laughed. _Aren’t you vain tonight, Evans_ , she thought _._ Maybe it was the alcohol.

James glanced up at her stifled laugh, realizing that she was watching him watch her. He cleared his throat and looked away, and so did she.

“Right, of course, you can’t sleep in that,” he said, nodding firmly. “You’ll want to get your pajamas, then?”

“Uh-uh,” Lily mumbled. She shook her head, then winced at the motion. “I can’t _possibly_ move anymore. I won’t make it to my room.”

“Evans.” James sounded mildly exasperated now. “Your room isn’t more than fifteen feet away.”

“I can’t move another inch,” she whined. “Let’s just stay here. I’ll be all right in my jumper, s’long as I keep still. It’s fine.”

“No, it isn’t. Unlock your door and I’ll Summon your pajamas.”

“Can’t unlock it from here, it’s Runes. Runes, runes, ancient runes. Secret runes, secret messages.” She smiled as she sang it like a song.

“Instead of a password?” James sighed. “You remember them, though, right? Or you’ve keyed your wand to the door?”

“Maybe,” Lily said coyly. She burst into giggles, but she wasn’t sure why.

James watched her for a beat with an expression that suggested he wanted to either shake her or snog her senseless. Lily understood completely, though she hoped he wouldn’t shake her. She’d definitely vomit more if he did.

But he didn’t, of course. He didn’t kiss her, either. He just heaved a heavy sigh and stomped over to his own room.

He returned a moment later with a t-shirt and boxer shorts. “Here,” he said, thrusting them at Lily. “Put those on.”

“What about yours? Surely you don’t mean to sleep in your jeans.” Lily widened her eyes stuck out her lower lip in a pout.

“I’m not staying out here with you,” James warned, his voice unnaturally high.

“Just sit for a little bit. Tell us about Quidditch. You love talking about Quidditch,” Lily murmured, patting the sofa cushion next to her.

James closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Look, I’m going to get you a glass of water. Change your clothes before I come back. Then we’ll talk.”

Lily’s face lit up with a smile, even as she struggled to keep her eyes open. “All right!” she agreed. She felt so warm, and everything seemed fuzzy and slow. So she hoped James could tell she was sincere when she added, her tongue heavy, “Thanks, Potter.” Especially because those were the last words she remembered saying before she fell asleep.

* * *

Lily awoke the next morning with a splitting headache and only a vague sense of why she was on the couch in the Heads’ lounge and not in her own bed. She stretched and yawned, noticing as she looked down at her chest that the t-shirt she wore bore the mascot of the Brecon Bludgeons – a Welsh Quidditch team.

She only knew two people who supported the Welsh side, and Remus didn’t wear sporting paraphernalia.

 _Oh, hell_.

Sure enough, as soon as she processed that thought, a smooth, deep voice came from the direction of James’ room. “All right, Evans?”

Lily closed her eyes and tried not to be sick. “Potter,” she replied, rubbing her temples. “I’m not sure yet. Is this your shirt I’m wearing?”

“Oh, yeah.” James had begun walking towards her carrying a tall glass of something green, but now he paused, awkwardly. “You’d said you couldn’t sleep in your jumper, you know”—he ruffled his hair—“but then you conked out on the sofa, right there. So I, er…helped you change.”

“What?” Lily yelped.

“Well, I sort of propped you up, turned my back and…Summoned your top?” James said hastily. “I didn’t see anything, I swear! I just summoned your jumper, and then—it was a good bit of magic, if I do say so myself—I levitated my t-shirt over to you and…”

“And what?”

James’ expression turned sheepish. “I used a puppeteering charm to lift your arms, so I could dress you without looking?” Lily’s eyes went wide with alarm, and James mussed his hair again. “It took forever to do it, pointing my wand over my shoulder blind like that, but I did it. I promise, I didn’t turn around once!”

Lily narrowed her eyes and folded her arms across her chest. “Not once?”

“Well…maybe once, just for a moment, at the end. Just to see if it had worked, you know? But it had! Mostly.” Lily’s eyebrows shot up, and James held up his hands in innocence. “The shirt was over your head, but I may have seen a bit of your lower back, that’s all. Cute birthmark! Like a little red star.” He gave her a half-smile.

“Oh, for the love of Godric,” Lily moaned. She stood up quickly and gagged briefly. “Oh, that’s not on.” She sat back down. “Can’t move just yet.”

James sprang towards the sofa, looking relieved to have an excuse to change the subject. “Here,” he said, thrusting the glass he was holding in her direction. “Drink that.”

Lily frowned at the green concoction with some skepticism. “What is it?”

“Hangover cure. I’m not the potions expert you are, but I’ve had a lot of practice with this one. Should have you sorted in no time.”

“Oh. Thanks.” She took a sip and grimaced. “Is that…boom berries?”

“Yeah. Tastes foul, I know, but it settles the stomach.” James sank into the couch next to her and crossed his left ankle over his right knee. “So,” he said nonchalantly, “aside from the vomity bits, last night was all right, yeah?”

“Ugh. That, and aside from you ogling me half-dressed, you mean?” Lily asked, eyebrows raised.

“I didn’t! And I wouldn’t do something like that while you’re drunk. I think I proved that much.”

“I mean, all I have is your word,” Lily countered, grumpily. She took another sip of her drink. “But I believe you, I guess. I don’t think you’re such a pig.” Her brow furrowed briefly. “But—oh, Merlin.” She closed her eyes. “Did something else happen between us?”

James’ eyes lit up with glee. “By ‘something,’ do you mean, did you try to snog my brains out?” he asked. “Because if so, _yes._ ”

“Dammit, Potter!”

“Nothing to be embarrassed about, Evans,” James assured her, grinning. “I rather enjoyed seeing you three sheets to the wind. Even if it meant I had to stop you from having your way with me.”

“For Merlin’s sake, no one was trying to have their _way_ with you! I can’t believe I even kissed you.” She eyed him warily, her memory still foggy. “Just the once, though, right? In the dungeons?”

James laughed. “Yep. Just the once, but you really made it count, you know? I can hardly believe it, either.” He locked his fingers behind his head and raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Was it everything you hoped it’d be?”

“I barely remember it,” Lily snapped, just as the feeling of his warm lips on hers came rushing back to her. She sucked in a sharp breath.

Disappointment briefly darkened James’ features. Then he shrugged. “Pity. Shall we try it again, then?”

“No!” Lily exclaimed. “I’m sorry, Potter. I appreciate your getting me to my room, almost, and bringing me this hangover potion, but that kiss was—nothing. A mistake.” Her tongue flicked out over her bottom lip, and she remembered when he’d done the same. Her eyes went wide, and she pressed her lips together to hide any further reaction. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

James just smirked, undaunted by her vehement protests or maybe encouraged by her flustered state. “That’s not what you said last ni-ight,” he teased.

Lily nearly dropped her glass. “What?” she demanded. “What’d I say?”

He shrugged then, the motion infuriatingly casual, though Lily noticed his neck looked a bit flushed. “Just that it was good for us to kiss and important that we do it again.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t,” Lily moaned, and she knew her own face and neck were red, too. “Argh! This is all their fault!”

“Whose?”

“The girls! They’ve put these insane ideas in my head, and now—” Lily hesitated, staring at James’s mouth.

He had a really nice mouth.

_Oh, HELL._

James noticed her staring and took a deep breath. “Evans,” he prompted slowly, “What ideas?”

Lily ripped her gaze from James’ lips and fidgeted, a seed of guilt taking root in her chest. “It’s embarrassing. And unfair to you.” She shrugged an uncomfortable apology.

James didn’t ask her again, just watched her cautiously, waiting for her to continue. She sighed.

“Fine,” she said. “Fine. I recently ended a relationship with someone. Or, he ended it with me, really.” She rubbed her forehead again and closed her eyes against a wave of embarrassment. “Anyroad, the girls thought maybe if I snogged someone new, it might help me get over him. And Mary and Evelyn suggested you.”

“Ah.” James grimaced, and the seed of guilt in Lily’s chest sprouted into a tree with additional branches for mortification, shame, and regret. But to her surprise, James placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Well, any bloke who would chuck you is an absolute moron.”

Lily didn’t feel she deserved the compliment, but she chuckled ruefully. “Thanks, Potter. Not sure getting pissed and throwing myself at the Head Boy is the right way to deal with it, but I’ll be all right.”

“I don’t doubt it.” James smirked, and any hint of disappointment Lily had seen moments ago was erased from his face. “So is it the Head Boy badge that did it?” he asked, raising his eyebrows playfully. “You’re attracted to the allure of power, not the man behind it?”

“No!” Lily glared at him, but the look was more mocking than menacing. “I was drunk, and—well, I _do_ think you might be a good Head Boy, despite your party-planning, but that’s not why I—”

“Why it was so _important_ that you kiss me last night?” James interrupted, and Lily felt her cheeks flush again.

“Look, I’m really sorry about that,” she said earnestly. “I was way offside. I hope we can just forget it ever happened. All right?”

James took off his glasses and cleaned them on the edge of his pajama shirt, flashing Lily a glimpse of his tight, brown abs. She turned away, then forcefully met his gaze.

She could look at him without lusting after him, dammit. And she was sincere in her apology. She really shouldn’t have come onto him. The least she could do now was look him in the eye while they had this necessary, friendly conversation. She was a mature, confident adult.

He stared back at her, and his mouth curved up in a knowing smile as he returned his glasses to his face.

“Nope,” he said.

Lily’s eyebrows flew up her forehead. “‘Nope?’” she repeated. “What do you mean, nope?”

“I’ve a better idea,” he said, with the solemn tone of a man undertaking an important mission. “I know you said you’ll be all right, getting over your ex, and I believe you. But I want to help you get there.”

“What? How do you mean?”

His lips twitched mischievously. “Your girlfriends are right. You need a distraction, and I’m willing to provide it. But you’ll have to really commit to it.” He grinned his crooked grin. “And not just when you’re sloshed.”

“Oh, Merlin, no.” Lily shook her head frantically, then fought back a wave of nausea. The hangover potion still hadn’t quite taken effect. “That was just something silly Mary and Evelyn said. I could never.”

“Why not? Some part of you must want to, or you wouldn’t have jumped me last night.” James waggled his eyebrows at her. “Unless you’re scared of me when you’re sober?”

“Of course not!”

“Good.” He stood up from the couch. “How about you come by my room tomorrow, after I’m done with rounds? And we’ll do…whatever you want. If you think it’s important to kiss me, that’ll be your chance. Just to help you get past this other bloke, of course. All right?”

“I don’t think this is a good idea!”

“Sure it is, Evans. Just come by.” James grinned again. “If nothing else, you can return my t-shirt.” He winked and sauntered back to his bedroom, leaving a crimson-faced Lily staring after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments, I love them almost as much as I love these two crazy kids :-P


	6. In which Lily Feels Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for greiving

Sunday morning, Lily woke up to a cloudy grey sky that foretold afternoon rain. She didn’t mind – she had some schoolwork to do today, so it was for the best that she’d be forced to stay indoors. Fully recovered from yesterday’s hangover, but still not quite ready to jump out of bed and start the day, she got up only to fix herself some tea, then retreated back under the blankets. She picked up _Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland_ from her bedside table and happily joined the young protagonist first in getting lost and then in discovering herself in a world of unidentified potions, magical creatures, and fanatical queens.

It was comforting to read something so familiar.

Some two hours later, Lily finished the book with a sigh. Alice’s elder sister reminded her forcefully of Petunia – curious but skeptical, patronizing but indulgent – at least, back when she and Lily had been good friends. Lily wondered what Alice’s relationship with her sister was like after the story, whether her sister had continued to admire Alice’s childlike-wonder and sense of adventure, or whether she’d eventually seen Alice as fanciful and impractical – off in a dream world while others were grounded in reality.

She liked to imagine two sisters could have such different personalities, interests, and outlooks on life and still remain close. But perhaps that was just more fanciful thinking.

A growl from Lily’s stomach interrupted her musing. The clock next to her bed read eleven-thirty. She set _Alice_ aside and pushed her blankets off her legs, then padded to the bathroom for a quick shower. She put on her favorite, worn bell-bottom jeans and a simple white t-shirt, adding her Gryffindor cardigan for warmth, before making her way out of the dormitory and towards the Great Hall.

There were a handful of others at Gryffindor table when she arrived, including Dorcas and Marlene. Dorcas looked lovely and polished, in a green chevron-striped sundress under a denim jacket, and Marlene was in joggers and a t-shirt, her hair windswept and her face still flushed with the exhilaration of physical activity.

They smiled at Lily as she sat down on the bench across from them. “Hey, Lil,” they chorused.

“‘Lo,” Lily said, smiling back. “What have you two been up to? I just got out of bed, and you look like you’ve had a full day already.”

“Not really. I was up early, so I figured I’d join Marlene at the Quidditch pitch.” Dorcas shrugged and smiled. “It’s a lovely morning to be outdoors.”

Lily’s brow furrowed. “It’s all cloudy and grey! I was up early, too, but to me it looked like a perfect morning to stay in bed and read.”

Dorcas tilted her head in acknowledgment. “Well, I didn’t want to stay in bed. And it may be cloudy, but it’s warm out, with a bit of a breeze. It was nice.”

“If you say so.” Lily raised her eyebrows and surveyed Dorcas’ outfit. “You’re dressed to kill, too. Did you fly in that?”

A flush spread over Dorcas’ brown skin. “No, I just sat in the stands. Marlene was training with Sarah and Missy.”

“Mmhmm. Dor just came to keep me company,” Marlene said, oblivious to Lily’s scrutiny of the other girl. She bit into a leg of roast chicken and tore off a chunk. “Tryouts are this week, and Sarah and Missy are both hoping to make first team this year.”

“Sarah Baker?” Lily asked, distracted from her gentle interrogation. “I thought she swore off Quidditch after last year’s match against Ravenclaw.”

“Eight drops, wasn’t it?” Dorcas shook her head. “I’ve never seen someone’s hands shake so much!”

“She’s getting better! She’s only a fourth-year, after all,” Marlene said defensively. Then she shrugged and added, “But yeah, with me and Jamie as returning starting Chasers, and Prakash likely moving up to first team this year, I don’t expect Sarah will get her dream. I’m still proud of her, though. She’s working so hard!”

“Look at you,” Dorcas said warmly, “you’re such a great captain already. Those girls are lucky to have you.”

“She’s right.” Lily grinned and reached across the table to squeeze Marlene’s hand. “Congrats again.”

“Thanks!” Marlene’s face lit up with pride. “I was sure it would be James, you know? He’s last year’s top-scorer.”

“Don’t be silly,” Dorcas said. “You only scored three fewer goals than he did all season.”

Marlene raised her eyebrows and grinned. “I can’t believe you remember my stats,” she said, and Dorcas blushed again. “And yeah, I suppose you’re right, they’re pretty close to Jamie’s. But he’s such a natural leader, the team would follow him anywhere. And I know he wanted it, even if he won’t say so.”

Lily’s stomach fluttered at the mention of James, and she felt her face get hot. She hadn’t seen him since their conversation in the dormitory yesterday, and she wasn’t sure what she would say to him when she did. She sort of wanted to pretend the whole thing had never happened. That would be the logical thing to do – her head told her she should be totally appalled by his suggestion. But that fluttering in her stomach didn’t feel like disapproval or disgust.

She shook her head to clear it, forcing herself to focus on Marlene. “You’re one of his best friends, Marls,” she said. “I’m sure James is genuinely happy for you to be captain.”

“You’re right, he is. He’s good that way.” Marlene smiled fondly, and Lily felt the butterflies stir once more.

“Captain and Head Boy probably would have been too much for one person, anyway,” Dorcas added.

“That’s true,” Lily agreed. She fought a grin as she remembered James teasing her yesterday.

 _“Is it the Head Boy badge that did it?_ _You’re attracted to the allure of power, not the man behind it?”_

How did he manage to make something like that sound charming? She’d never understand it. But she was suddenly glad, if James could only hold one leadership position this year, that Dumbledore had given him the one he did.

The girls chatted a bit more about Quidditch as they finished their meals. When they were done, Marlene shoved her plate away with a satisfied sigh. “Well, I’m heading down to the stables now,” she announced. “It’s my turn to check on the occamy hatchlings, and I might as well do it before I get cleaned up.”

“And before the rain starts,” added Lily.

“Right, good point.”

The threesome rose from their seats. “Have fun with the occamies,” Dorcas said, as Marlene waved her good-bye. “And be careful!”

“Yes, mum!” Marlene called over her shoulder and winked. Dorcas giggled even as she rolled her eyes.

As they began their walk back to Gryffindor Tower, Dorcas linked her arm through Lily’s. “What’ve you got planned for the afternoon, Lil?” she asked. “You should come hang out in our room.”

“Well, I dunno,” Lily said, hedging. “I’ve got to work on my Charms essay.”

“We can work on it together. Mary, too.” Dorcas widened her brown eyes and grinned at Lily. “It’ll be fun!”

It would be nice to study with the girls, the same way she’d done for the past six years. As much as she enjoyed the idea of having her own room (and, more importantly, bathroom), she didn’t want to spend the whole year isolated from everyone she cared about. She’d had plenty of time to herself this morning; maybe now it was time for a little socializing. 

She smiled. “Fine, let me run and grab my textbook. I’ll be right down.”

When she entered the girls’ dormitory a few minutes later, Lily found all the girls crowded on Mary’s bed, giggling over magazines.

“Thought we were going to work on Charms, Dor?” Lily asked, grinning and waggling her eyebrows as she sat down on the bed.

“We will!” Dorcas said quickly, grinning back. She took Lily’s textbook and set it on the floor. “We’ve got plenty of time.”

“Yeah, it’s early,” Evelyn agreed. “Right now—” she held up the Muggle magazine _Jackie_ in one hand and the Wizard magazine _Teen Witch_ in the other “—we’re trying to settle a debate. Who’s better looking, David Cassidy or Stubby Boardman?”

Lily laughed. “What? They’re both sort of dreamy, aren’t they?” she asked, reaching for the _Jackie_ magazine. “But…I suppose I’d choose Cassidy, if I had to pick. I love his smile.”

“Told ye!” Mary crowed.

Evelyn pouted. “Ugh, Lily, I was counting on you! Dorcas already betrayed me.”

“David Cassidy has such a kind face, though, doesn’t he?” Dorcas grabbed the magazine from Lily with a giggle. “Stubby looks like trouble.”

“Spot on,” Mary said. “David looks like ye could bring him home to yer ma.”

“Yes, I do think they’re both fit, but Cassidy looks so kind,” Lily agreed. “He’s got a sweet smile and those warm hazel eyes—”

Mary raised an eyebrow. “Thought his eyes are green?”

“Are they?” Lily blinked. “Well, either way, I prefer them. Stubby’s eyes are gorgeous, but that ice-blue is so cold.”

“Nooo, I _love_ those eyes. And that hair!” Evelyn gushed. She flipped a page in _Teen Witch_ and showed Lily another photograph. “Actually, now that Sirius is letting his hair grow out, he sort of favors Stubby, don’t you think?”

“Hmm.” Lily took the magazine from Evelyn and studied the picture of the Hobgoblins lead singer. “He does, a bit. The hair and something about his mouth…he’s got lips like Mick Jagger.” She laughed again. “You’re right, Dor, he does look like trouble.”

“Trouble is _fun_ ,” Evelyn said, smirking. She grabbed the magazine back from Lily and traced a finger over Stubby’s full lips. “I wonder what it would be like to go out with Sirius?”

“Where’d that come from?” Mary laughed. “He dinnae go oot wae anybody at Hogwarts, dae he? Ye’ll ha’ better luck wae Hagrid.”

“Ew, Mare!”

“Ah’m just sayin’,” Mary said with a shrug.

“Hagrid’s a sweetheart!” Lily exclaimed.

“Oh, of course,” Dorcas said sincerely. “But you wouldn’t want to _date_ him. He’s over eight feet tall, and he’s got to be fifty years old!”

“Don’t be daft, no one is going to date Hagrid,” Eve huffed rolling her eyes. “Or Sirius, for that matter.”

“All right, then who do you want to date?” Dorcas asked.

Evelyn responded without hesitation. “Sturgis Podmore. He’s so handsome, and he must’ve grown four inches over the summer.” She raised her eyebrows at Dorcas. “What about you, do you fancy anyone?”

Dorcas’ cheeks reddened, but she just casually turned a page in the _Jackie_ magazine and pointed to David Cassidy once more. “Just David,” she said.

“Only David, huh?” Lily teased, raising her eyebrows at Dorcas.

“Yep!” She quickly flipped another page in the magazine, then paused. “Oi, what’s this?”

“Ooh, Cathy and Claire!” Evelyn squealed, leaning forward to see the page Dorcas was looking at. “Let me see that!”

“Who?” Dorcas asked, her brow furrowing as she handed the magazine over.

Lily and Mary chuckled. “They’re the agony aunts for _Jackie_ ,” Lily said. Seeing Dorcas’ still-puzzled expression, she added, “It’s an advice column.”

“Aye, and they’re dead brilliant,” Mary said, grabbing the magazine from Evelyn. “Listen tae this one: _Dear Cathy and Claire—I am feeling very down about myself. I think I’m clever and nice-looking, but I’ve never been asked out by a boy. All of my friends have boyfriends now, and though they try to include me in their activities sometimes, I feel like I’m only in the way. Besides, I don’t want to be the fifth wheel to their dates, I want a boyfriend of my own! Please help me, I feel so lonely._ ”

“Aw, the poor dear,” Dorcas murmured.

Mary continued: “And then Cathy’n Claire say: _It makes sense you’re feeling lonely, but it sounds like you’ve got great friends who want to make sure you aren’t left out. If you’re feeling like the fifth wheel too often, you should ask your girlfriends if they can schedule one evening per week for you to have a “girls’ night” to spend time together like you used to do before they met their boyfriends. You should also make the effort to visit new places and meet new people—who knows, maybe soon you’ll meet the boy you’ve been looking for!_

Dorcas tilted her head appreciatively. “That’s quite decent advice.”

“Ah told ye, they’re brilliant!” Mary said. She skimmed the page briefly. “Here’s another from a lass who thinks her best mate is copyin’ everything she dae—I’ll bet they tell her tae confront her chum or get oan wae it, already—and here’s one from a wee’an what thinks love bites mean she’s a vampire!”

The girls laughed. Dorcas shook her head with an amused smile. “Aww, bless."

“But it’s good there’s someone like this for girls to write to, you know? It’s good that someone can answer their silly questions,” Lily said.

“Yes, the letters are often silly, but the advice is so helpful. Let me read one!” Evelyn said, snatching the magazine back from Mary. “Okay, here goes: _Dear Cathy and Claire—I am the eldest of three girls, and my sisters and I have always gotten along quite well. But about six months ago, my mum died unexpectedly. Since then, my middle sister—"_

The air whooshed out of Lily's lungs. Without warning, her mind flashed back to her own sister’s shrieks on the day she’d answered the door to the police officer who’d reported their father’s death. She remembered she and Petunia clinging to each other, shaking with fear and sorrow and disbelief. She could picture the funeral, where Petunia sobbed unendingly on Vernon’s shoulder, and she remembered the feeling of Anthony’s hand in hers, clinging as if her life depended on it.

Lily visibly flinched. The wounds on her still-healing heart burst open, and she choked on a gasp.

“Oi!” Mary cried, but Evelyn didn’t seem to notice. She kept reading the letter until Dorcas leapt up from the bed and waved a hand right in Evelyn’s face.

“I’m sick of these agony aunts, Evie!” she said loudly. “Turn back to that photo of David Cassidy!”

“What? We’re past that conversation, Dor, I want to see—” Evelyn caught Lily’s eye and slapped a hand over her own mouth. “Oh!”

Dorcas let out a frustrated growl and glared at Evelyn before grabbing Lily’s Charms text from the floor. She turned to her friend with a desperate smile. “You want to go work on that Charms essay, Lily? I’ve had enough gossip.”

It was only after Dorcas said her name that Lily felt the tightness in her chest and the dryness in her eyes that meant she’d completely frozen in place, just stopped functioning like damaged robot and not a living, blinking, breathing human being.

She sucked in a deep breath, her eyelids fluttering rapidly as she took stock of her surroundings. Her friends were all watching her with worried eyes. Evelyn still had a hand over her mouth, and Dorcas was clutching Lily’s Charms book to her chest like a security blanket.

Lily had the sudden urge to burst into laughter, but she knew that would only scare her friends more. She took another deep breath. When she felt in control, she nodded at them each in turn and tried to smile. “Right, Charms,” she said mechanically. “I should get on that.”

“Brilliant,” Dorcas said, too brightly. “Do you want to go to the library?”

“No, I’m all right.” Lily stood and took her textbook from Dorcas’ hands. “I think I’ll work upstairs.”

“Lily, I’m—” Evelyn began, but Lily cut her off.

“It’s fine, Eve,” she said, without meeting anyone’s eyes. “I just need some quiet to focus on this essay.”

“Are ye sure, pet?” Mary asked gently. “We could all work down here, together.”

Their pity was more than she could take. “I’m fine, really,” she said with forced calmness. “I’ll see you girls at dinner, all right?”

“All right,” they murmured. Lily hurried from the dormitory with her chin up and her shoulders back, only letting them sag once the door closed behind her with a quiet click.

Up in her room, she tossed her things onto her bed and flopped down next to them with a sigh. Maybe she should’ve agreed to work with the girls on their Charms essays, or gone with Dorcas to the library for a change of scenery. At least then she’d have company. At least then she’d have something to think about other than the letter Evelyn had read, something to do other than wonder what advice Cathy and Claire might have given a girl who lost a parent this year.

As much as she hadn’t been ready to hear it in the moment, now she really wished she’d let Eve share the advice columnists’ response. Maybe something they said would help her deal with these overwhelming feelings of grief and guilt. She’d thought she had been coping with things quite well, with the exception of her drunken kiss with Potter, but that letter had opened the door to a flood of emotions that perhaps hadn’t been dealt with so much as stuffed in a closet for safe-keeping.

A wave of loneliness came crashing down on Lily like a tsunami. The distance from Petunia, the loss of her father, the loss of Anthony. The feeling that outside of Hogwarts, she was truly alone.

With a sigh, Lily shoved her Charms textbook off her bed and closed her eyes. She just needed to relax and clear her head. With a bit of effort, she could put all those pesky feelings back into storage, where they belonged.

Some hours later, Lily woke up thirsty and confused. She got a glass of water from the bathroom sink and drank it quickly, then poured herself another. Her Charms text was on the floor next to her bed; she picked it up and set it down next to her as she tried to regain her bearings. 

Ah, right. She’d run away from her friends’ room after being accidentally confronted with some painful emotions. They’d been lovely about it, but she really didn’t want to sit at dinner and make small talk with them while they treated her like a wounded animal. Her pride couldn’t take it.

She closed her eyes for a moment, and her chest rose and fell with a sigh. It wasn’t fair for her to judge the girls that way, when all they’d done was be kind and want to spend time with her. Considering her last thoughts before her nap had been of loneliness, she really should count herself lucky she had such wonderful friends at Hogwarts.

Still, she couldn’t face them right now and put on a smile, nor could she break down in tears in the Great Hall. She got up to make herself some tea and rummaged in her bureau drawer for her emergency crisps. Then she sat cross-legged on her bed, munching on her snack as she thumbed through her Charms text to the assigned chapter.

After reading the same two pages three times in twenty minutes, Lily closed her textbook with a groan. She was trying to stay focused, but she couldn’t read more than a few words without her mind drifting back to the pleading sound of Dorcas’ voice or the horrified look on Evelyn’s face when she’d realized what she was reading, and who she was reading it to. They hurt for her, but they didn’t know what to do.

Grief was so isolating.

 _You don’t have to be isolated_ , Lily reminded herself firmly. _The girls love you. You have friends here._

She took a deep breath. She did have friends here. Wonderful, caring friends who would do anything to support her if she asked for it.

Too bad she didn’t have a clue what she needed.

Lily blinked as a thought hit her. One of her friends was just two rooms away, or would be, when he finished his duties for the evening. And he’d already offered her something like support, hadn’t he?

 _Just come by_ , he’d said, _After I’m done with rounds_.

The butterflies from lunch were back. Lily pressed a hand to her stomach, as if to still them. With a determined nod, she closed her textbook and rose from her bed.

Maybe his offer was exactly what she needed right now. She clearly wasn’t getting any work done tonight, anyway. And this…arrangement, with James, didn’t have to be weird, or desperate, or sordid. It was just a friendly reminder that she wasn’t alone. The physical comfort of a boy’s arms, even if only for a little while.

Just a distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go...


	7. In which Lily Takes James up on His Offer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the games begin... :D (Don't worry, no one is intentionally playing games. My kids are sweet and awkward). Also, there will be some making out and such in this chapter but nothing explicit. And curse words! If those things aren't your jam, consider yourself warned.

James opened his bedroom door just before ten o’clock on Sunday evening, intending to retrieve the Potions textbook he’d let Peter borrow on Friday, and found Lily standing directly in front of him, twisting a t-shirt in her hands like a rag. Her long hair hung down her back in a loose plait, and she was wearing bell-bottom jeans and a navy blue shirt with green stripes that brought out her eyes. James stumbled backwards in shock, then reflexively reached up and gave his hair a vigorous rub.

“All right, Evans?”

Lily let out a little squeak of surprise. “I was just about to knock!” she exclaimed.

James flashed a delighted grin, then cleared his throat to add a little depth to his voice. “I didn’t expect you so late.”

It wasn’t that late – he just hadn’t expected her at all, really. He _had_ expected her to jinx him when he first suggested this little arrangement, but it seemed she’d been too shocked to even properly respond.

And now she was here. Looking as flustered as he felt, honestly, but she was _here_. At his door. James wasn’t 100% sure it wasn’t a dream.

“Oh!” Lily said, a flush rising in her cheeks. “We didn’t set a time, but if it’s too late, or you’re busy, never mind. Here.” She thrust the t-shirt at him.

“I’m not busy!” James said loudly, partially to drown out the voice in his own head that taunted, _If she leaves, she’ll never come back!_ He cleared his throat again. “Not at all, Evans, and it’s never too late,” he continued, taking his shirt from her hands. “I offered you my services and I’m not backing out.”

Lily snorted quietly, her lips twitching with a held-in smirk. “I’m not sure what _services_ you have in mind, Potter, but you offered me a distraction, and I’ve decided…well, I’ve decided I’ll take you up on that. So, here’s your chance. Entertain me.” She folded her arms across her chest and added, “I’m much harder to impress whilst sober, you know.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” James said, chuckling nervously. He still wasn’t sure what was happening. “So, I was just on my way to pick up something from the lads’ dormitory. Just wait here for me, and when I get back, we’ll see what we can do about some entertainment.”

“All right,” Lily agreed. James opened the door wider and gestured for her to come inside. She hesitated for a moment, then crossed the threshold into his bedroom.

“Feel free to sit, if you’d like. I’ll be back in a moment,” he said, as Lily took in her surroundings. “Don’t disappear on me.”

He hoped it sounded playful rather than desperate.

She gave him a cheeky smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. But her tone was light, teasing, when she said, “No promises.”

“Guess I’d better hurry, then.”

James took the stairs to the seventh-year boys’ dormitory in twos and burst into the room, biting his lip to keep from grinning like an idiot. He found Remus sitting on his bed, reading with his back against the headboard, and Sirius lying on his back, with his feet propped up next to Remus’ face. Sirius was flicking cards at Peter, while Peter practiced knocking them out of the air with various spells. He and Sirius both cheered as his spell sliced a tossed card neatly in half.

“Nice one, Pete,” James said. Potions text forgotten, he turned to Sirius. “Padfoot, can I borrow a record? Something by a Muggle?”

Sirius dropped the cards and sat up, looking at James with curiosity. “Of course. What for?”

James hesitated. He was pretty sure Lily would not want him to announce their new arrangement to his friends, but Remus would know if he lied. Remus could always tell.

“Evans has agreed to spend some time with me this evening,” James finally said, his voice even but his body betraying his anxiety as he bounced on his toes. He tried to keep a straight face as he offered the half-truth. “In the interest of us getting along as Heads, I think, but this is my chance to impress her, isn’t it? And you know how she feels about Muggle music.”

Remus raised a shrewd eyebrow, but Peter, ever supportive, beamed. “That’s great news!”

“Hmm.” Sirius laid back down with his fingers laced behind his head. “Can’t say I’m surprised. She’s been looking at you lately the way Remus looks at chocolate.”

“I’ve never looked _that_ hungry for chocolate,” Remus cracked, and he and Sirius snickered.

“What? Has she?” James coughed and ruffled his hair. “Well, then, I best get back upstairs and see for myself.”

“Yes, brilliant idea,” Remus said, without looking up from his book again. “Take Fleetwood Mac. Lily loves their music.”

“Thanks!” James grabbed the record and darted from the room.

Upstairs, he hesitated outside his own door. Lily Evans was in there. Waiting for him. He wasn’t dreaming.

_Or maybe my dream has come true._

He drew in a deep breath as he opened the door to his room. To his surprise, rather than sitting primly in his armchair like he expected, he found Lily _standing_ in the chair on her tiptoes, stretching precariously to reach a winged golden ball hovering in the corner near the ceiling.

“What are you doing?” he asked, teeth bared in a smile. He walked over and set the record on his bed, then put his hands on his hips in a mock-stern pose.

Lily nearly stumbled. She caught her balance and turned to James, blushing. “I _may_ have released your Snitch.”

“Nosing through my stuff, were you?” James’ tone was firm, but his eyes were amused. “Very unbecoming of our Head Girl.” She glared at him, and he laughed. “Come down from there, let me catch it.”

“I’ve almost got it!”

“Evans, the evening will be ruined if you brain yourself on my desk. Come on.” He walked over to where she was standing and held out his hand.

“Fine,” she grumped. She took his hand and hopped down from the chair. He put a hand on her waist to steady her as she landed, and her cheeks pinked ever so slightly. James felt his heartbeat pick up again. He stood there without removing his hand, eyes locked with hers, until the Snitch zoomed literally between them, causing them both to jump.

James’ hand flicked out from Lily’s waist to snatch the glittering sphere out of the air. “Got it,” he said, holding up the Snitch with a grin.

Lily took a deep breath and stepped away from him. He returned the Snitch to its box and was surprised when he turned back around to see that Lily had moved to the farthest corner of the room and was nervously running her hands over her jeans. She looked at James like she had no idea what she was doing there.

Truth of the matter was, James was also at a loss for what to do next. He had hoped they’d slide into their usual banter, but now the silence stretched awkwardly between them.

After a moment, James gestured to the record sleeve he’d been holding when he returned to his room. “I borrowed a Muggle record from Sirius,” he blurted out. “I thought you might like it. Fleetwood Mac?”

“Oh, I love them!” Lily exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. “They’re—” She broke off suddenly and scowled. “Potter, this isn’t a date, you know.”

“I know.” James laughed uncomfortably. He hadn’t asked for a date, it was true. But in all his various daydreams about wooing Lily Evans, he’d never once imagined he would challenge her to kiss him whilst sober and she would _agree._ It was far less romantic than she deserved.

But all he’d offered her was a distraction, and she’d taken him up on it. He really had no cause to be disappointed. Especially now, when she was here in his room, which was already more than he’d truly expected would happen between them. He’d do his best to make sure she didn’t regret it.

With that in mind, James shrugged and gave Lily a half-smile. “I’m just not sure how this works, honestly. I wasn’t sure you’d show up at all.”

Lily put a hand on her hip. “Neither was I.”

“Right.” He chuckled again. “But in case you did—and now, here you are—I just figured I’d have something for us to do _before_ you take advantage of me. Entertainment, remember?” He waggled his eyebrows, trying to project more confidence than he felt. “Unless you’d prefer I just lie in bed in my skivvies and let you do your worst?”

“No!” Lily blushed and backed deeper into the corner. “I just want—argh, I knew this was a bad idea! If you take off your trousers, Potter, I swear to Merlin—”

“I’m just taking the piss, Evans,” James said, and he was sure he sounded too relieved. But the fear that she really was only here to use him for her physical needs had been looming in the corner of James’ mind ever since he’d opened the door. The fact that she didn’t seem to want that, but was here anyway, was somehow reassuring. “Look,” he continued, “you said you need a distraction, and I’m happy to help. But you’re going to have to trust me.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound absurd to you?”

It did, sort of, but having been close with Remus for years, James was well-equipped to recognize sarcasm employed as a defense mechanism. He shrugged and fought back a grin. “Look, _you_ kissed me on Friday,” he said, spreading his hands. “This was pretty much your idea.”

“It wasn’t, it was Mary's and Evelyn's!”

“Well, regardless. You’re here.” (He didn’t add that she wouldn’t be there if she didn’t want to be, that she’d seemed to enjoy kissing him on Friday, or that Lily Evans is many things, but a pushover isn’t one). He took a deep breath. “You’re here, so…let’s just see what happens, all right?”

Her shoulders heaved with a massive sigh. “All right,” she agreed and, with what appeared to be great mental effort, walked over and sat on the edge of James’ bed.

James let out his own sigh of relief. “Brilliant.” He gave her a lopsided smile and went to put the record on his old Victrola. With the music playing, he moved toward Lily and sat down next to her. She was watching him intently with her lips parted, and James could feel his heart racing as he studied her, the green eyes that followed his every move, the deep red of her hair in the soft light of his bedroom, the rise and fall of her chest in her button-down shirt. Neither of them spoke.

After a moment, James broke the silence. “Look, Evans,” he said softly, “I know you only kissed me because you were totally pissed. So if you don’t want to _do_ anything now, you know we don’t have to. I really am happy to entertain you, snogging or not.”

“I’m—I’m not sure yet. I feel sort of ridiculous,” Lily admitted. “I’m just having a weird day, can’t seem to focus on schoolwork, and…”

She trailed off, then lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Maybe we can just…talk a little, first?”

“Of course.” James nodded and took a deep breath, his heartbeat slowing to a normal pace. He eased backward until his back was resting against his headboard, then raised his eyebrows at Lily. “So, did you find anything else while you were going through my things?”

“I wasn’t, not really!” Lily exclaimed, her tone mildly defensive. “I was looking at the photographs on your dresser and saw this gorgeous wooden box, like a jewelry box, and—well, fine, I guess I _did_ peek inside, but—where’d you even get that Snitch, anyway? I’ve seen you around with it, but I thought Madam Hooch always collected them after the matches.”

“No, no, we’re not talking about my alleged crimes, we’re talking about yours,” James teased. “I never would’ve guessed you for a snoop.”

“Better a snoop than a thief,” Lily said, sticking her tongue out at him. Suddenly, her eyes lit up. “Oh, I love this song!”

James cocked his head and listened as a haunting woman’s voice sang, “… _You want your freedom, well who am I to keep you down?_ ” He frowned.

“It sounds sad. Is this a break-up song?” _Dammit, Remus!_

“Sort of, but don’t focus on that,” Lily said, waving a hand. She closed her eyes and smiled peacefully. “Listen to how beautiful it sounds.”

James watched her with a smile of his own. She opened her eyes and pursed her lips at him. “You’re not listening,” she scolded. “Focus.”

And then, to his surprise, she scooted up on the bed next to him, so that her back was also against the headboard. She reached over and gently covered his eyes with her hand. “Close your eyes,” she quietly commanded. “Listen to the song and think about the sound of rain. It’s not about the pain, it’s about the peace, the fresh start that comes after.”

James closed his eyes and tried to listen, but all he could think about was her hand on his face, so soft and sweet and fresh-smelling. He took a deep breath, and Lily giggled.

“Sorry,” she murmured, and moved her hand away. “Just keep your eyes closed.”

He wanted to pick her hand up and put it back on his face, or maybe just hold it, but he didn’t dare. She was relaxing, in a way that she hadn’t since he’d open the door, and he didn’t want to do anything to put her on edge again. He folded his hands in his own lap and kept his eyes closed.

They sat in silence, shoulders pressed together, thighs touching, listening to the music.

_Women, they will come and they will go…when the rain washes you clean, you’ll know…_

As the song faded, Lily turned towards James and opened her eyes, her face nearly glowing. “Did you like it?” she asked.

“Mmhmm.” James found it hard to speak. He swallowed hard. “Beautiful.”

Her cheeks went pink, like perhaps she knew he was talking about her just as much as the song, but the corners of her mouth turned up in a mischievous smile.

“Potter?” she asked softly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sober, you know.”

James chuckled. “I know.”

“So.” She took a deep breath, then bit her lip as she tilted her face up towards him. “Does that mean I’m allowed to kiss you now?”

James let out a shaky sigh. “Merlin, Evans, I thought you’d never ask,” he murmured. He lifted his hand to her face and stroked his thumb over the curve of her cheek. She shivered.

“Good,” she whispered, just before she touched her lips to his.

It felt…amazing. Sure, they’d kissed the other night, but she’d been drunk, and it had been a sloppy, desperate, lust-filled blur. This was different. This felt like pulling on your best jumper on a cool autumn day, or a hot shower after a tough Quidditch practice, or the first bite of your favorite dessert. Imminently satisfying, warm and sweet.

He could kiss her like this forever.

But they broke apart after a few seconds, and stared at each other, chests heaving with shallow, desperate breaths. Lily’s beautiful eyes were full of something like wonder, and _desire_ , and suddenly, without another conscious thought from either of them, their lips collided again. This time, it wasn’t tender. It was greedy. Ravenous. Lily sucked James’ bottom lip gently between her teeth, and James responded by wrapping one arm around her waist and dragging her closer to him. His other hand brushed against her cheek, and he wound his fingers in her thick hair.

Lily whimpered against his mouth, and James felt his pants get tighter at the sound. He fought the urge to roll his hips against hers, and barely restrained himself from sliding his hand from around her waist down to her bum. But he did grip her hip firmly, and his lips did move over to her cheek, down to her chin, along her jaw. He pushed aside the collar of her blouse and kissed her shoulder, then worked his way back up her neck to her earlobe.

“Merlin, Evans,” he muttered between kisses, “you’re amazing. This is amazing. So fucking amazing.”

She was breathing heavily, her cheeks flushed red and her lips wet and shining. “Thank you,” she murmured. “You’re a really good kisser.”

James huffed out a quiet laugh against her ear. “Did you just thank me?”

“Maybe,” Lily mumbled. Her skin felt warm under his mouth. “It’s your fault, you said I was amazing.”

“You are,” he said, kissing her neck again. She hummed with pleasure and he kissed her harder. “For fuck’s sake, you are.”

They continued kissing, James’ hand still on Lily’s waist and hers gripping his shoulder and stroking his biceps. Eventually, he slid his hand over her hip and stroked her thigh, then worked up the courage to ask if she minded if he grabbed her bum, and then suddenly his hands were all over her body. She hooked a leg over his waist, and this time he didn’t resist the urge to rock his hips against her.

She froze for a second, then pulled back just slightly and removed her leg from around his waist. James could hear her breathing, could see the rapid rise and fall of her chest as she stared up at him. He took a deep breath of his own.

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I didn’t—was that too much? We can stop.”

“No, I—I don’t know,” Lily said softly. She was still clutching his biceps, but cautiously now. “I just…I don’t want to do…everything. You know?”

“Of course, Evans.” James exhaled a shaky, relieved breath. “All I really want is to kiss you some more. But we can do whatever you want. No pressure.”

“Okay,” she whispered, and she was smiling as she covered his mouth with hers. He rested his hand on her hip again, without rubbing this time, but he did moan softly against her lips. She inched closer to him, and soon their hands were tracing patterns all over each other’s upper bodies as they kissed. Lily slid her hands down James’ chest, then lifted the hem of his t-shirt and trailed her fingers across his stomach.

And James yelped and kneed her in the thigh.

“Ouch!”

“Shit! Fuck, Evans, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” James cried, reaching down to massage her injured leg. “I’m so sorry! I’m just really fucking ticklish! Shit!”

Lily rolled onto her back and burst into laughter as James continued to rub her thigh. “It’s all right, Potter,” she said through her giggles. “I’ll be more careful next time.”

“For Merlin’s sake, I’m a bloody moron,” James muttered. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Lily repeated. She rolled onto her side and leaned on her elbow, propping her head up in her hand. She reached her other arm out and smoothed her hand down his biceps again, then smiled up at him. “Hey, listen to that,” she said, raising an eyebrow, “we didn’t even notice the record ended.”

James cocked his head slightly to listen to the scratch and pop of the needle spinning over blank space. “Heh. I guess not,” he agreed. “I’ll flip it, all right?” He moved to get up, but Lily squeezed his upper arm.

“No, don’t bother,” she said, sighing. “It’s late, and we’ve got class in the morning. I should go.”

“It’s not that late,” James countered, instinctively sliding his arm around her waist again. “Stay a bit longer.”

“Hmm.” Her fingers were still tracing idly over his arm, and her lips still looked soft and slick. James leaned in to kiss her, but she giggled and pulled away. “I really should go, I’ve a Charms essay I haven’t even started yet.”

“You can copy mine,” James murmured. “I finished it this morning, and it’s brilliant.”

She huffed indignantly and sat up, breaking his grip on her waist. “Cocky bastard,” she said, but there was no bite to the words. “You know I’d never just copy yours.”

He laughed. “I know, Evans. But you can’t blame a bloke for trying to help, can you?”

“You’ve helped me enough for the night,” she said teasingly, reaching down to straighten his glasses. “And now I really do have to go.”

James made a disappointed sound, but he smirked as Lily rubbed his arm once more before she rolled over and crawled from his bed.

“All right, Evans,” he said. He locked his fingers behind his head and leaned back against his pillows, waggling his eyebrows. “Good night.”

Lily turned and gave him a shy little wave, but the smile on her lips was one of satisfaction. “Night, Potter.”

James grinned, but he sighed as she shut the door behind her. “I’ll miss you,” he whispered to the empty room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter so far :-)


	8. In which Lily Learns to Remember, and Wishes to Forget

“Ye’re in a good mood this mornin',” Mary noted when Lily arrived at breakfast the next day with a moony smile on her face.

Lily paused as she lowered herself onto the bench next to her friend. It had been a while since she’d woken up in a good mood. And how strange that she had Potter to thank for it. Listening to Fleetwood Mac, and laughing with him, and kissing him, had made her feel _alive_.

It was a little frightening that one evening with James made her feel this happy. But it was nice to be happy, and she wasn’t going to question it further. She shrugged, and her smile turned coy. “I guess I am.” She reached for a platter of eggs and began to scoop some onto her plate.

“Slept well?” Remus asked, cocking an eyebrow at her as he speared a piece of sausage with his fork.

Was there something knowing in his expression? Or was he just curious about her good mood? Everyone knew she wasn’t a morning person, after all. Some might go so far as to say she was a bit of a troll before she’d had her first cuppa. So, that’s probably all Remus was reacting to.

Right?

Just to be safe, Lily didn’t quite meet his eye when she confirmed, “Yep. I feel great.”

“That’s ‘cause you haven’t got Muggle Studies first thing,” Evelyn grumbled around a bite of toast. Lily turned to look at her friend, glad the attention was no longer on her unlikely good cheer.

“What’s wrong with Muggle Studies?”

“Nothing, in theory,” Evelyn said. She wiped crumbs from her chin and continued, “But the new Professor looks like a twelve-year-old. And I heard he’s got a bad stammer. I’ll bet he can’t teach a thing.”

“Quirrell, was it? You shouldn’t make fun of his stammer, though, that’s unkind,” Dorcas chided. “Dumbledore wouldn’t have hired him if he wasn’t competent.”

“You’re right, of course,” Evelyn conceded, tossing her hair. “But he looks like he’s more scared of us than we are of him.” She rolled her eyes. “And it’s not like DADA, or something, where he really needs to be intimidating, but Muggle Studies is sort of controversial now, you know? He’ll be under a lot of scrutiny.”

“Aye. I heard Burke, Avery and Rosier have signed up for the class this year,” Mary added. “Cannae let that lot see any sign of weakness.”

Lily frowned. “Livia Burke?”

“Nae, her elder sister, Lyssa. Ye know her—she’s Slytherin, in our year.”

“Right, of course.” Lily pulled a face and lowered her voice. “Livia’s been made prefect, and she’s a snotty little prat. I don’t know Lyssa well, though.”

“Also a prat,” Remus confirmed. “And she’s dating Avery. That tells you all you need to know.”

“Ugh. Why would they take Muggle Studies?”

“You know they’re only doing it to cause trouble,” Evelyn said, shaking her head. “They’ll probably mock Muggles the whole time, or use what we’re learning as proof that Muggles are inferior. I’m not sure this Quirrell chap can stand up to them.”

The news that Slytherin blood-purists were taking the Muggle Studies course just to stir up trouble threw a shadow over Lily’s bright mood. She wondered if she should speak to Dumbledore about it. Of course, he probably already knew. Perhaps he’d even warned the new Professor that his class was something of a political lightning rod these days, and he would be prepared for conflict.

Still, she made a mental note to tell James they should keep a careful eye out for any anti-Muggle or Muggleborn prejudice around the school this year.

No sooner had she thought of him than the man himself dropped down into the seat next to Evelyn. A sleepy-looking Sirius followed right behind him.

“Morning, Evans,” James called. “You finish that Charms essay?”

“Of course,” she replied, her concerns about Avery and Burke momentarily pushed aside. “I don’t know if it’s _brilliant_ , like yours, but it should least earn me an Acceptable.”

“See, you should’ve let me help,” James said, grinning. “I’ve never gotten less than Outstanding on a Charms assignment.”

“You’d’ve only distracted me,” Lily teased. “That was your plan all along, wasn’t it?”

James laughed and began piling his plate with eggs and sausage. “I’m multi-talented, Evans.”

“Hold on, are you _flirting_?” Dorcas asked, wearing a huge smile and eyes as wide as a child’s on Christmas.

Evelyn’s eyes twinkled with delight. “You are!” she exclaimed.

“No!” Lily said quickly, but she grinned. “Just a bit of friendly rivalry with the Head Boy.”

“Not much of a rivalry if we already know I’ll win,” said James with a wink. He turned to Sirius and began chatting about Quidditch trials later this week.

Lily watched him with smile on her face until she noticed Dorcas was watching her just as closely. She blushed, and Dorcas giggled and poked her under the table. Lily cleared her throat and changed the subject yet again.

“Where’s Marlene?”

“Advanced Care of Magical Creatures,” Dorcas said immediately, and her skin reddened, as well.

“Does she still hope to be a Physicker for magical creatures?” Sirius said, looking up from his conversation with James. “Even after the incident with the Doxies last spring?”

“Yes, you know how focused she is once she sets her sights on something.”

“Too right,” James agreed. “It’s part of what makes her such a great Chaser.” 

Lily nodded. “Right. So she’s in Magical Creatures—”

“And so’s Pete,” Remus added.

“And the rest of us have Charms at ten o’clock?”

“Except me, I’m off to Muggle Studies now,” Evelyn said, collecting her textbook and rising from the bench. “Wish me and Quirrell luck.”

“Luck!” Lily called.

“Why do they need luck?” Sirius asked, eyebrows raised.

The shadow returned, blanketing Lily’s thoughts in darkness. “Because Rosier, Avery, and Burke are taking the class this year.”

“What?” James and Sirius demanded in unison. “Why?”

“We’re guessing they’re looking for new ways to terrorize Muggles and Muggleborns,” Dorcas said darkly.

James glanced at Lily and set his jaw. “Not if I have anything to say about it.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to keep an eye on them,” Lily agreed, her lips pursed in a frown.

“No, not we,” James said, shaking his head emphatically. “Let me handle this, Evans. You should stay away from them.”

Lily’s eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me? We’re partners, we have equal responsibility in this.”

“I know we do. But you’re Muggleborn.”

“ _Excuse me?_ ” Lily repeated, her voice rising with her anger. She leapt to her feet. “And you don’t think I can handle them?”

“No, it’s not that, not at all!” James stood, too, waving his hands as if to erase his last statement. “I know you can, I just don’t think you should have to.”

“Of course I have to! I can’t just stand by while these arseholes declare that people like me don’t belong in the wizarding world. I’ve got to fight them! Hogwarts is my school, just as much as it is theirs.”

“Whoa, whoa! Of course it is, Evans! I never said it wasn’t,” James argued. “But I don’t want you to have to deal with those bigots.”

“Well, that isn’t your call to make, Potter!”

“All right—” Remus said, coming to his feet, but James ignored him.

“I just don't think you need to make yourself a target!” he cried, throwing his hands in the air. “But _excuse me_ for trying to be chivalrous!”

“Chivalrous!” Lily snorted and put her hands on her hips. “Is that how you justify your chauvinism?”

“All right!” Remus repeated, louder this time. He walked around the table and put a hand on each of their shoulders. “How about we all agree you’re both very noble and equally qualified to handle any Death Eaters-in-training, yeah?”

“Hear, hear!” Sirius said cheerfully. “Let’s move on.”

James pulled a face, and Lily glowered at him.

“Aye. Yer on the same side, ye know,” Mary added.

James gave his hair a frustrated tug. “I know, I know.” He glanced at Lily, looking almost apologetic. She pressed her lips together and stared back without a word.

With a shake of his head, James turned briskly to Remus and Sirius. “Anyway, we should get going. Class starts in ten minutes.”

Dorcas stood and linked her arm through Lily’s. “Yes, and we’ll want to claim the best desks.”

“Right!” Sirius stood and threw Dorcas a cheeky wink. “Obviously meaning, the ones near the back.”

His quip drew some reluctant chuckles. Some of the tension in the air melted away, and the group made their way out of the Great Hall and towards the Charms classroom. Sirius, Remus, and Mary kept up some decent banter as they walked. James had his arms crossed over his chest and his thick brows furrowed behind his glasses, and Dorcas still clutched Lily’s arm silently.

Lily was lost in her own head. She knew James thought he was protecting her, but excluding her from this fight wasn’t the way to do it. _Hogwarts is the only place I belong_ , she thought fiercely, _and I won’t let anyone take that from me. Not anyone._

* * *

“Good day, class!” Professor Flitwick squeaked, beaming at them from atop the footstool he liked to use for his lectures. “If you’ll take your seats and place your essays on your desks—” he waited as the students did so, then continued “—thank you. _Accio_ Charms essays!” He flicked his wand, and sixteen scrolls of parchment rose in the air and flew towards him. He directed them to his own desk at the front of the room, then clapped his hands together with satisfaction.

“There! Now, please take out your copies of _Advanced Charms de Mente_ and turn to page two-seventeen.”

“Memory charms?” Sirius asked, arching an eyebrow as he read the heading at the top of the page. “There’s certain things I wouldn’t mind having wiped from my mind, that’s for sure.”

“We won’t be wiping anyone’s memory in here, oh no! First, you’ll read the theory behind memory charms, and towards the end of lesson we’ll practice the most basic—drawing memories to the forefront of someone’s mind. Not to be exposed to others, nor to be erased—just sort of…sharpened, eh? Augmented, so that they might see their own memories more clearly.”

“That sounds terrible,” Sirius muttered.

James chuckled, and Lily ducked her head to hide her smile.

She was still angry with him. He didn’t get to share in her amusement.

Purposefully ignoring James and Sirius, Lily began reading the assigned chapter, which opened with the theory of memory charms and some basic warnings on consent, certainty, and caution, or what Flitwick called the Three C’s of Mind Magic. The most important things for a wizard to know before attempting these spells, according to the text, were: 1) As a general rule, one should never go poking around in someone’s mind or memories without their _consent_ ; 2) One should be _certain_ of one’s intent and goals before performing any spells on the mind; and 3) one should exercise _caution_ when employing these spells, because they can cause permanent damage if used improperly.

The two most powerful charms described in the book were _Legilimens_ and _Obliviate_ , the first allowing you to see inside other people’s minds and the second allowing you to erase memories entirely. Those were extremely dangerous, and there were criminal sanctions for their misuse. The most basic memory charm, the one they’d be learning today, was _Recupera Memoriae_. It was a short-term charm, designed to help a person retrieve recent memories or small details – like when you walk into the kitchen for something but have forgotten what it is by the time you arrive, or when you see someone you’ve met once or twice but can’t recall their name. Despite these benign uses, the charm could still be dangerous if overused. Incautious wizards had damaged their ability to form long-term memories due to excessive application of memory charms, with some even developing symptoms similar to the Muggle ailment dementia.

“Finished reading?” Flitwick asked, peering around the room from atop his stool. He nodded and clapped his hands again. “Excellent, now let’s practice a bit! You should only work on these charms within the confines of this class, all right?”

“Yes, Professor,” the students chorused.

“Very good. Now, we’re only going to practice the most basic spell today, and you’ll be practicing on yourselves. So you’ll want to hold the tip of your wand firmly against your temple, like so—” he demonstrated, “—and think about a day or a moment you’d like to remember more clearly. If you perform the spell correctly, the details of that memory will be pulled to the forefront of your mind.”

“This’ll be fantastic when N.E.W.T.’s come around,” declared Vanity Parkinson.

Flitwick chuckled. “It doesn’t work very well for that, I’m afraid,” he said. “There are usually too many different ideas you need to remember for an exam. This charm might help you remember one, but not all. Sorry.”

“Sounds about useless, then,” Brutus Mulciber, another Slytherin, muttered.

Lily rolled her eyes. Of course a blunt instrument like Mulciber wouldn’t see the value in being able to extract specific details from memory. But for any intelligent person, or anyone who wanted a career as a Healer (like she did) or Auror or scholar, or any number of other jobs requiring attention to detail, this charm would prove immensely useful.

She bit her lower lip as she placed her wand against her temple, as instructed. Like Sirius, she was a bit concerned that pulling up recent memories would prove unpleasant.

Or maybe _too_ pleasant. Her mind flashed to the feel of James’ breath on her neck, his whispered curses and adulation, and her cheeks went warm. She tried not to think about James at all, or how relaxed she’d felt in his room last night. His soft lips and gentle hands, and the way he held her like she was something precious.

Ugh. The last thing she needed was for _those_ memories to be heightened right now.

 _Besides_ , she scolded herself, _he’s an insulting, noble, controlling, over-protective git. Hmph._

She cast around for something else to focus on, something other than James, and realized she’d made it more than two hours into her day without thinking about Anthony once.

The thought made her smile, then frown as she realized she was thinking about him now. She let out a quiet growl and lowered her head to her desk for a moment. As she did, she caught the flash of her Head Girl badge pinned to her robes.

She sat up quickly and gave Professor Flitwick, who was looking at her oddly, a reassuring smile. While she may not want to think _too_ closely about her role as Head Girl, lest she end up daydreaming about James again, the day she’d received her badge had been one of few joyful moments in her summer. Maybe she could pull up that memory – the hoots of the owl who delivered the bulky package to her home, the excitement she felt knowing that the letter in that package signified her impending return to Hogwarts, and the sheer delight when the “HG” pin slipped out of the envelope.

With a deep breath, Lily closed her eyes and placed her wand against her temple. “Recupera Memoriae,” she murmured, focusing on the red and gold badge.

Almost instantly, hazy images began to drift to the front of her mind, like they were rising from deep underwater and now floating just beneath the surface. She saw herself and Petunia sitting at the kitchen table, eating their breakfasts in silence. Petunia was reading the paper, and Lily had a novel in one hand – Jayne Eyre. She was eating eggs and toast whilst Petunia sipped her tea.

The image became a bit clearer in Lily’s mind at the moment the owl – a small, grey owl with black markings around its eyes, she could see him now – tapped on their window. She could almost hear Petunia’s shriek of surprise, but more than anything, she remembered a feeling of overwhelming joy. Joy at this visitor from her magical world.

She could feel it now in the classroom, the same joy she’d felt that day, and she could feel her smile growing with each second. The memory charm seemed to be working. She could see details like the yellow walls of their kitchen, the date on the paper Petunia was reading – 30 July 1977. She could see the longing in Petunia’s eyes even as her lip curled in a sneer. She could see Petunia’s high-necked pink nightgown, and she clearly recalled thinking how uncomfortable her sister looked, like she could barely breathe. She remembered being grateful for her own soft, flannel pajamas with duckies printed on them.

The smile slipped from Lily’s face, and the hand holding her wand dropped to her side. The feeling of joy drained away quickly, leaving a hollow, empty feeling inside Lily’s chest. When she opened her eyes, they were wet with tears.

Those duck pajamas were a gift from her father. And that morning, the morning she’d received her Head Girl pin, she had wanted nothing more than to show it to him and watch him beam with pride.

And that would never happen again.

Lily ducked her head, her eyes darting around the room as she swiped at her wet cheek. On the right side of the classroom, Parkinson and Mulciber were whispering to each other, while Snape pored over his textbook, muttering to himself. Lily quickly turned away from them and towards her friends. To her left, Dorcas’ brow was furrowed in concentration, and behind her, Professor Flitwick was correcting Mary’s pronunciation. James was clearly recalling a memory involving Quidditch, if his smile and occasional errant hand-motion were any indication. Remus had lowered his wand and was skimming the text again, perhaps wanting to perfect his technique.

Sirius sat in the back corner of the room, just as he’d joked he would. He had his eyes closed and his wand positioned correctly, but he was so still and looked so peaceful that Lily suspected he hadn’t performed the charm at all.

 _Maybe he’s got the right idea_.

Following Sirius’ example (at least, as best she could tell), Lily put her wand to her temple and closed her eyes. But she didn’t think of any specific memories, and she didn’t whisper any incantation. Instead, she silently recited her times tables, as she’d learnt in Muggle primary school, and focused on holding back her tears.

At the end of the lesson, Flitwick pronounced their work impressive for a first day, and assigned them two chapters to read before Wednesday’s class. As soon as he finished speaking, Lily gathered her things and leapt up from her desk so quickly she nearly knocked it over.

“Lil?” Dorcas asked, eyebrows raised.

Lily shook her head. “I’m fine, Dor. Just need the loo.” She bolted from the room without another word.

She’d just made it to the short corridor that led to the girls’ toilet when she heard a soft voice directly behind her, too close for comfort. “Hullo, Lily.”

Goosepimples rose on the back of Lily’s neck, and she suppressed a shudder. She took a deep breath as she turned to face her pursuer. “Yes, Severus?”

Snape’s expression was smug. “I just wanted to ask, now that you won’t have to _perform_ for the other prefects, if you’re as appalled at Dumbledore choosing _Potter_ for Head Boy as I am.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “I assure you, I’m not appalled in the least,” she said. “He deserves it.”

Severus snorted. “Everyone knows his father bought him the position.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh, Lily.” Snape sighed and shook his head like she was being naïve. He twirled his wand lazily in one hand. “It’s obvious.”

She bristled at his condescending tone. “So you think Dumbledore can be bought?” She raised her eyebrows, then pursed her lips in a disapproving frown. “You’re not as clever as I thought you were.”

Now it was Snape’s turn to bristle. “Since when did you become Potter’s big defender?”

“I’m not,” Lily snapped. “But I’m not going to listen to you spread rumors about him, either.”

Snape’s fist clenched around the wand he’d been twirling, and Lily flinched backward, wondering if he was crazy enough to hex her.

She braced herself, but he didn’t move or even say anything. He just narrowed his eyes and stared at her with a look of intense concentration, as though he were trying to count every freckle on the bridge of her nose.

Lily tried to turn away from his unsettling gaze, but she felt frozen in place. Suddenly, her head was spinning. Random images flashed through her mind, Evelyn crunching on toast, Petunia’s awful nightgown, Sirius sitting in the back corner of the Charms classroom. Confused and disoriented, Lily pressed a hand to her face, then forced her eyes wide open, as though yanking herself out of a nightmare.

Severus was still standing in front of her, still staring with those bottomless black eyes. “Are you all right?” he asked softly.

“I’m fine,” Lily gritted out, blinking hard. _Why do I feel so light-headed? Are those types of flashes a common side-effect of memory charms?_

Flitwick hadn’t mentioned it, but she’d have to re-read the chapter later this evening to be sure. For now, she just needed to get away from her ex-friend. “I'm busy, Severus. Are we done here?”

Snape’s face, which had been carefully neutral, twisted in an ugly sneer. “I actually only wanted to check on you. I thought today's lesson might have been difficult.”

A chuckle of disbelief escaped Lily’s lips. “Well, thanks,” she said flatly. “But it wasn’t.”

“Ah.” He twirled his wand between his fingers again. “So, if it's not your father's memory that's haunting you, whose is it, I wonder?”

Lily drew herself up to her full height, her chin jutted forward, ready to tell Snape exactly where he could stick his invasive questions. But before she could respond, James appeared by her side. 

"All right, Evans?" he asked, his smile easy but his eyes dark as he glanced between her and Snape.

She huffed out a breath. “I'm fine, Potter, thanks,” she said, barely resisting the urge to roll her eyes at his knight-in-shining-armor bit. He had a lot of nerve, especially after the stunt he’d pulled at breakfast.

Still, she couldn’t deny she didn’t want to be alone with Severus any longer than she had to. Swallowing her pride, she turned to James with a tight smile. “Walk me to Potions?”

James' expression went from quietly intense to legitimately delighted in an instant. 

“My pleasure!” He held out his arm to her.

Severus scowled. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You’ve always shown terrible judgment when it comes to the opposite sex,” he sniffed. “Last month, you were parading that Muggle boy about Cokeworth. Now, despite all your past denials, somehow Potter’s convinced you he’s something other than insolent prick and made you one of his trophies.” His lip curled with barely-contained hatred. “I expected better of you, Lily.”

Had it been anyone other than Severus, she’d have wondered if they somehow knew where she’d been last night. But with him, she recognized his words for the same thing they’d always been – projections of his worst fears, his envy, and his desire to possess her, even as he told himself she was weak and unworthy because of her birth. His condescending attitude towards her was a paper-thin mask covering his own insecurities, and Lily marveled that she’d ever thought otherwise.

“Bugger off, Snape,” she spat. “How about you do us both a favor, and don’t have _any_ expectations of me ever again. I don’t care what you think of me, and I don’t want to hear your opinions.”

“And if you knew her at all, you’d know Evans is no one’s trophy,” said James. “I consider myself lucky if she'll share ten minutes of her time with a bloke like me.” He leaned in Snape’s direction and lowered his voice conspiratorially as he added, “Y’know, maybe if you didn't think of women as property, you could get one to give you ten minutes, too!”

Lily sniffed in disgust and linked her arm through James’. “I wouldn’t hold my breath, if I were you,” she said to Snape, over her shoulder. “Come on, Potter. Let’s get to class.”

She could almost feel Snape seething behind her. “I only want to save you some embarrassment, Lily!” he called. “But go ahead, be one of Potter’s playthings. Make a fool of yourself. See if I care.”

James stopped and whirled around, a retort ready on his tongue, but Lily shushed him and tugged his arm, spinning him back to face her. “Do not go back there,” she said through clenched teeth. “He’s an absolute tool, but it’s not worth the fight.”

“But—”

“He’s _not worth it_ ,” Lily repeated.

“I know, I know!” James growled. He buried a hand in his hair and heaved a frustrated sigh, then gave Lily a half-smile. “But you are.”

Lily blinked a couple times, but she held her expression steady. “Let’s just go.”

They were quiet as they walked to Potions, James apparently trying to cool down from their encounter with Snape and Lily trying to sort through her jumbled thoughts and emotions. She still felt light-headed and sort of confused, but on top of that there was _rage_ , and underneath it all there was...something like pain. She pushed that one aside, not wanting to explore it any further.

Only one feeling was crystal clear.

Although she’d never tell Potter – _chivalrous idiot_ – she’d felt a definite warmth spread through her chest at his words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the reviews so far, they really make my day! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, too :)


	9. In which James fumes about Slytherin bullies and apologizes to Evans

James silently seethed through Potions class. He knew Evans was bothered by her encounter with Snape, even if she wouldn’t say so. He hated that he couldn’t just swoop in and fix everything for her, make all her enemies disappear – whether she wanted him to or not.

He scowled at his Potions book, only pretending to listen to Professor Slughorn, and tried to figure out where things between him and Lily stood. The terrain was ever-changing with her – one day they were on perfectly solid ground, and the next he was tiptoeing over thin ice or drowning in quicksand.

Today was a quicksand kind of day.

It was maddening, to be sinking now, when last night had been so close to perfect. He and Lily had been on good terms for a bit more than a year, but James would never have said they were _close_ before – more like, he’d worshipped her, and she’d found him tolerably amusing. But the way she’d stuck up for him at the prefects meeting (not to mention the way she’d come onto him after a few firewhiskeys) made him wonder if she’d secretly found him far more than tolerable for some time now.

Their misunderstanding over breakfast had definitely lost him a few points on the tolerability scale, though. And he couldn’t tell whether he’d made things better or worse when he’d stepped in while she was talking to Snape.

He hadn’t heard all of what was said between Snape and Evans, but he’d seen the expression on Lily’s face as she stood there, looking shocked and uncomfortable and not like herself. And what James did hear, when he reached her side, was Snape taunting her about her father.

And _then_ Snape had basically called her a cheap date with bad judgment.

James slammed his textbook shut, biting back a snarl. Snape deserved whatever hexes anyone wanted to throw his way, but despite his current frustration, James was glad he hadn’t started a fight with the greasy git. It wouldn’t have earned him any points with Evans, after all, especially not when she was already irked with him for being overly chivalrous.

 _Oof._ That thought hit him like a punch in the gut — from Evans’ perspective, perhaps he hadn’t seemed chivalrous at all – perhaps it seemed that he, like Snape, thought she lacked good judgment and couldn’t make her own decisions. Because really, when he’d told her not to worry about Avery and Burke and to just leave the fighting to him, what was he doing other than pretending he knew what was good for her better than she did?

No wonder she’d made a beeline for Marlene as soon as they’d gotten to Potions and hadn’t looked at him since.

James absently picked up a knife and began preparing the ingredients he’d need for the day’s lesson. Slughorn had assigned the class to work in pairs to produce a draught for a dreamless sleep. James and Sirius had perfected that potion years ago (Sirius was prone to terrible nightmares, especially as the Christmas holidays drew near), so James could easily go through the necessary steps while his mind was elsewhere.

That said, he wasn’t doing his best work at the moment. “What’s with you?” Sirius asked, as James diced his Valerian root into bits so small it looked like powder.

“Nothing,” he said, glowering at his friend. Sirius arched an eyebrow, and James heaved a sighed. “I just think I need to apologize to Evans.”

“Ah.” Sirius swept up the pile of Valerian root-dust and dumped it into their cauldron. “Probably.”

James rolled his eyes as he began chopping up the basic herbs they needed next. “You’re supposed to say, ‘No, mate, you’ve nothing to apologize for.’”

Sirius snorted. “Prongs, you know you shouldn’t have gone all Frederick the Fearless on her,” he said, referencing the famous Auror who’d foiled an assassination attempt on former Minister of Magic Ottaline Gambol in the 1830s. “Evans is no damsel in distress.”

“‘Course she isn’t. But that doesn’t mean she should put herself in danger, either. These blood-purist wankers are no joke.”

“Fair point, but she knows that already. Let her decide for herself whether to confront them. She’s not stupid,” Sirius said, echoing the thought James had had only moments ago.

James’ brow furrowed in a frown, but he just sighed again. “You’re right, I know. I’ll talk to her later.”

“Fab. Now, help me finish this Sleeping Draught. If we hurry, we’ll have time to make a batch of Shrinking Solution before lesson ends.”

“What do we need Shrinking Solution for?”

Sirius shrugged, but his eyes were bright and his smile was full of mischief. “I’ve got some ideas.”

Working together, James and Sirius were able to produce two perfect potions before class was over, although they hid the Shrinking Solution when Slughorn came around for inspection.

The professor leaned over and inhaled deeply from their cauldron of sleeping potion. “Mm, do I detect a strong essence of lavender here?” he asked, raising an approving eyebrow at the boys.

“Yes, sir,” James said. “We’ve found crushing it and adding a pinch extra makes for an even more peaceful night’s sleep.”

“Impressive, impressive indeed,” Slughorn said. “Full marks.”

The Professor moved on to the next pair of students, and James beamed. His father would be happy to hear they’d done well – it was his advice that had helped them improve that potion, after all. Plus, doing well at Potions had always been a good way to impress Lily.

James’ shoulders sagged at that thought. Lily wouldn’t care to hear about his Potion-making brilliance right now. Not until he admitted he’d been wrong before.

He’d have to speak to her privately after class and get this thing between them sorted out. It would be awkward and embarrassing, sure, but he figured the most meaningful apologies usually are. And it was worth it to get back on firm footing with Evans.

They were on the verge of something great, he could feel it. It was on him not to cock it up.

Instinctively, he glanced her way. She was smiling and chatting with Marlene, looking happy and relaxed. That was good. Maybe she’d be in a gracious mood. Maybe she’d smile and forgive him, maybe even hug him and kiss his cheek and thank him for his good intentions, even if they were poorly executed?

Hmm. That was a stretch, probably. But James had always been a dreamer.

As soon as Slughorn dismissed them from the day’s lesson, he hopped up from his seat and approached Lily at her workstation.

“All right, Evans?” he asked, subconsciously ruffling his hair.

“Can I help you with something?” she replied, barely looking up from her bag as she shoved her textbook inside.

He grimaced at her cool tone. No grace for him, not yet, at least. “No,” he said quickly. “I mean—I was just wondering if I might walk you to lunch?”

Lily’s eyebrows pulled together. “I don’t need you to walk me, Potter, I’m fine. But since we’re all going the same place, you’re welcome to join me and Marley.” She nodded to where Marlene was standing a few feet away, pretending not to listen to their conversation.

“Er, well,”—James mussed his hair again— “I was hoping to talk to you, actually.”

“What about?”

“Well—”

“Ms. Evans!” called Professor Slughorn. “Might I see you for a moment?”

“Of course, Professor,” Lily replied. She turned to James and shrugged. “Guess we’ll talk later.”

“Right, of course. See ya, Evans.”

James blew out a frustrated breath as she walked away. Marlene gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, and the two of them left class together.

Peter and Sirius were already in the corridor, leaning against a wall across from the classroom. When James and Marlene joined them, the foursome began following the flow of students towards the Great Hall.

“Everything all right?” Sirius asked, cocking an eyebrow at James as they walked.

“Yeah, yeah,” James said. He scrubbed both hands over the top of his head and then down his face before letting them drop loosely to his sides. “Evans had to meet with Slughorn, but she said we’ll talk later.”

Sirius pursed his lips and shrugged. “It’ll be fine, stop worrying. In the meantime, I thought we might spend lunch developing a plan to get back at Snivellus.”

James’ eyes darted to his friend’s. “For what?”

“Whatever rubbish he said to Evans, of course.”

Marlene groaned. “For Merlin’s sake, what’d Snape do now? She didn’t mention anything during Potions.”

“He was just being his usual morally-repugnant self,” James said, folding his arms across his chest. He eyed Sirius again. “So, you saw it, too? How upset she was while they were talking?” He shook his head. “I knew I wasn’t wrong to go over there.”

“Go over where?” Remus asked, as he, Dorcas, and Evelyn came across their friends at the intersection of several corridors on the main floor. The three of them had been in Ancient Runes while James and the others were in Potions class, because they were nerds who liked history and puzzles.

Very different from James, obviously, who was a nerd who liked chemical reactions and complex Transfiguration.

He glanced at Remus as he fell into step with the group. “Snape was harassing Evans after Charms, so I went over to check on her.”

“Yep,” Sirius confirmed. “She looked like she wanted to throw up and punch him in the face at the same time.”

“Punch Snivels or punch Prongs?” Remus quipped. James flicked his ear.

“Snivellus, obviously,” he said. After a moment’s hesitation he added, “Though she’s still not too pleased with me, either.”

“It’ll be _fine_ ,” Sirius said again, waving a hand. “She doesn’t want to be angry with you. Snape on the other hand…”

“What’d he say to her?” Evelyn asked.

“I only heard parts of it,” James said, his eyebrows dipping behind his glasses. “But it was foul.”

“Ugh! She _should’ve_ punched him, I’m sure it would’ve been well deserved!” Dorcas exclaimed.

“Evans isn’t going to punch Snape, no matter how much she ought to,” Remus said.

“She punched Avery that one time, in fourth year,” Evelyn pointed out.

“Right, but that was in defense of Mary, wasn’t it? Lily will ignore all sorts of abuse directed at her, to a point, but she won’t let anyone get away with even the tiniest insult to someone she cares about.”

Sirius smiled affectionately. “Yeah. She’s brilliant that way.”

Marlene laughed and nudged James with her elbow. “I’d never noticed before how alike you two are in that way, always trying to protect others and ignoring threats to yourselves. Funny.”

“You’d think she’d appreciate it more, then,” James grumbled.

“Well, you telling her she shouldn’t fight Death Eaters who think she ought not to exist is a bit different than her choosing to ignore a twat like Snape who’s just trying to rile her up,” Dorcas noted.

“That isn’t what I meant at all!” cried James. “I know she can’t ignore them, but I don’t want her to get hurt!”

“Ever think maybe she wouldn’t want _you_ to get hurt, either?” Remus asked.

“I—hmm.” James closed his mouth and frowned. “She doesn’t need to worry about me.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Hmm, sounds familiar, doesn’t it?”

James huffed out a breath through his nose. His friends had to see that the two situations weren’t the same, didn’t they? Even if he did owe Lily an apology, he wasn’t wrong for wanting to protect her. And the idea that she would want to do the same for him? Well, if true, that only made him want to protect her more.

He opened his mouth to say all this, but Sirius cut him off.

“All right, all right,” he said, waving his hands over his head. “Point is, Evans won’t punch Snivellus on her own behalf, so it’s on us to give him what he deserves.” He turned to his friends with a wicked gleam in his eye. “I was thinking, maybe we put a bit of this—” he held up a vial of freshly-made Shrinking Solution “—in his pants drawer?”

Peter rubbed his hands together with glee. “Ooh, he’d have to walk around with his pants strangling his bits all day, or not wear pants at all! That’s humiliating, right?”

“If he goes without drawers, that might be more punishment for the rest of us than him, really.” James sighed. “Besides, while I’d love nothing more than to push Snape into a one-way Vanishing Cabinet, never to be seen again, I think what I’m supposed to be apologizing to Evans for is trying to fight her battles, remember? This feels like…the opposite of that.”

“Yeah,” Marlene agreed. “She won’t like it if she finds out you’re trying to punish Snape for something he did to her.”

“Fine, we don’t have to just target Snivellus,” Sirius said, unwilling to give up so easily. “We’ll prank _all_ the Slytherins. Eighty percent of them are pricks, anyway.”

“Oh, that’s not a bad idea, Pads,” Remus mused. “In fact, that’ll make it easier. You won’t have to break into their dormitory and find Snape’s wardrobe, we can just intercept the whole House’s laundry from the house elves on Saturday.”

“That’s brilliant, Moony!”

Dorcas’ eyes were wide with something just between delight and horror. “You lot are terrible!” she exclaimed. “You wouldn’t really try to shrink _everyone’s_ clothes, would you?”

“No, we—” James began, but Sirius interrupted him.

“Never you mind, love.” Sirius’ tone was soothing, and he put an arm around Dorcas’ shoulder. “The fewer details you know, the better.”

“Too right,” Marlene agreed, rolling her eyes. “Dor, let’s leave the lads to their plotting, eh?”

The Marauders hung back as she, Dorcas, and Evelyn began walking away. They waited a few moments for the girls to get ahead of them, then changed directions to cut across the large courtyard in the center of the school.

“Fab.” Sirius clapped his hands as they stepped outside into the sunny square, then looked around and lowered his voice. “So do we know what order the house elves take the laundry? We wouldn’t want to shrink Ravenclaw’s threads by accident, they don’t deserve it.”

“Plus, they’re really good at retaliation,” Peter said.

“Oi!” James exclaimed, raising his hand to get their attention. “I really can’t be a part of this!”

“Why not?” Sirius demanded.

“I won’t have the house elves get in trouble over something we’ve done.” He tugged his hair and didn’t meet Sirius’ eye as he added, “And I’m Head Boy, I can’t do anything so reckless.”

“Being Head Boy doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, it just means you can’t get caught,” Sirius argued. “And this prank is practically harmless.”

“I doubt the Slytherins would agree when none of them has a single pair of pants left,” Remus pointed out.

“Right.” James shook his head. “It’s too risky. Dumbledore would have my head if he found out.”

Sirius pouted. “Since when do you care about taking risks?”

James went silent for a moment and gave his hair another vigorous rub. _Since Evans said she thought I deserved to be Head Boy_ , he thought.

But Sirius would think that was silly, wouldn’t he? James shrugged, avoiding the question, and glanced around the courtyard. It was a nice afternoon, and many students were milling about the grounds or having lunch on the stone benches on the lawn. He was just about to change the subject by suggesting to his friends that they take their lunch outdoors today when he noticed a slight commotion out of the corner of his eye. He quickly gestured at the others to stop, narrowing his eyes as he observed the scene.

In the northeast corner of the quad, two Slytherin boys, Ira Warrington and Damien Avery, were blocking the path of a short-but-stocky Hufflepuff student. A girl’s laughter pierced the air, and James noticed Livia Burke and her sister, Lyssa, standing slightly behind Avery.

“You gonna apologize to my girlfriend?” Avery was saying to the Hufflepuff.

“For what?” the other student said, and James recognized him as Liam O’Malley, younger brother of Hufflepuff prefect Jacob.

“Shit,” James muttered, and started moving in their direction.

“Had your nose stuck in that stupid book and you nearly ran her over.” Avery poked Liam in the chest. “Watch where you’re going or next time I’ll knock you on your arse.”

Liam folded his arms over his chest in an attempt to look tough, or maybe to prevent further poking. “What are you on about? I didn’t even touch her.”

“ _I_ think he was trying to touch my bum,” Lyssa said loudly, and Livia let out another sharp cackle.

“Oh, yeah? You’ll pay for that,” Avery growled. He took a step closer to the younger boy and looked him up and down. “You’re into those Muggle sports, aren’t you? What’s that one called, Ira?” He cocked his head at Warrington like he was thinking.

“Rugby,” Warrington sneered.

“Ah, that’s right.” Avery flexed his hands and cracked his knuckles. “Heard you learned to play from your Muggle father.”

“Don’t talk about my father!” O’Malley yelled, clenching his fists at his sides and stepping closer to Avery. James quickened his pace.

Avery snickered. “Honestly, I don’t give a rat’s arse about your father. But I did hear one of your types claiming rugby players are better at tackling than Quidditch players.” He lowered his voice, but James was close enough to hear him say, “I don’t believe there’s anything a Muggle can do better than a wizard, but maybe you’ll be the one to prove me wrong. Shall we have a go?”

Before either boy could make another move, James leapt forward and pushed himself between them. “Everything all right here?” he asked loudly, putting a hand on Liam’s shoulder.

Warrington scowled. “How about you mind your business, Potter?”

“Well, seeing as I’m Head Boy—” James tapped his badge and gave Warrington a false smile, “—I’d say a fight between students is my business, eh?”

“Ah, you’ve got it all wrong,” Avery said, his lips twisted in an ugly smirk. “There’s no fight at all. This plonker was just about to apologize to my girlfriend, weren’t you, Half-blood?”

“My name’s Liam,” Liam said.

Lyssa and Livia were tittering behind their hands. James treated Livia to his harshest glare before turning back to Avery. “Quite right, Liam. Avery seems to have forgotten his manners. At Hogwarts, we don’t distinguish between witches and wizards based on their blood status.”

“And it’s a good thing, too,” Sirius drawled from behind James. “There aren’t many so-called ‘pure blood’ families left, and most of them are full of idiots.”

“You’re a disgrace, Black,” Avery spat. “You and Potter both.”

“Thank you,” Sirius said, bowing. “If you think so, I must be doing something right.” He put one hand on James’ shoulder and the other on Liam’s. “What say we head to lunch?”

“Right,” James agreed. The other Marauders began walking towards the Great Hall, motioning for Liam to follow them. James stayed behind, studying Avery’s angry face.

His eyes were narrowed to slits and his jaw jutted out like a bulldog’s as he stared at Liam’s back. “You won’t always be around to save him, you know, Potter. And he still owes Lyssa an apology.”

“Hmm,” James said, pretending to consider this. “I can’t really speak to that. I didn’t see what happened over here before I arrived.” He set his own jaw and spoke quietly through clenched teeth. “But if I find out you’re targeting students based on their blood status, I’ll make sure you’ve got detention every day for the rest of the Term. You’ll never see the Quidditch pitch again.”

Avery snorted in disbelief. “James Potter threatening me with detention. That’s rich.”

“Come on, love,” Lyssa said, her grey eyes cold as she looked James up and down. “Let’s not talk to this blood traitor any longer than we’ve got to.” She clutched Avery’s arm, but then turned to look at her sister with exaggerated sympathy. “I’m so sorry you’re stuck working with him all year, Liv. Hogwarts’ standards certainly aren’t what they were when mother and father were in school.”

Livia put a hand to her mouth and pretended to cough to hide another giggle. She gave James a smug smile and followed her sister and the other Slytherins into the building.

James dragged a hand through his hair and sighed.

If today was any indication, his tenure as Head Boy was off to a rocky start.

* * *

Although they had Transfiguration together in the afternoon, James didn’t get a chance to talk to Lily during the lesson. To his annoyance, Snape was in that class, as well, and his dark eyes seemed to be tracking Lily’s every move. If James went over to talk to her and Snivellus made another rude comment, James wasn't sure he'd stop himself from hexing him this time. That definitely wouldn't help his cause, so he stayed put, trying to keep his attention on his beloved Professor McGonagall.

For her part, Lily ignored Snape and James both, and after Transfiguration she hurried off with Dorcas to their Earth Magic class without so much as a glance behind her.

James didn’t see her again until nearly five o’clock, when she stumbled through the portrait hole after her last class. She nodded her hellos, then headed straight upstairs to her room.

That made James nervous. In the past, on a good day, she’d drop down on the couch in the Common Room and watch her friends play wizard chess or chat with the girls a bit before dinner. If she went straight to her dormitory without speaking, it meant she was exhausted or angry – or both.

James rushed through his game of chess with Sirius, making several reckless moves that led to his being checkmated by two pawns. Sirius rolled his eyes, but Peter gave James a thumbs-up as he jumped up from the floor and ran to the stairs.

He took a second to compose himself after he burst into the Heads’ shared lounge. Then he braced himself and knocked on Lily’s door.

She flung it open with a scowl on her face. “What do you want?” she asked, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes to the ceiling. Her school robes and tie were in a pile on the floor, but she was still in her white shirt and uniform skirt. Her folded arms pushed her chest up and out. James tried his best not to notice.

When he didn’t respond right away, Lily rolled one hand in an impatient “spit-it-out” sort of gesture. “Potter, I’ve got a wicked headache and I’m not in the mood to argue with you tonight. Why are you here?”

“I’m not here to argue!” James said, raising his hands to his shoulders, palms out in surrender. “I’m here to apologize, actually.”

“Oh.” Lily blinked. She kept her arms folded and lifted her chin, her facial expression one of internal struggle, but, after a moment, she stepped back and opened the door wider. “Okay,” she said. “I’m listening.”

“Right. Thank you.” James’ hand flew to his hair as he entered her room. Clearly, Lily was still angry with him. But she also looked sort of…like he felt. Unsure, or vulnerable maybe. It reminded him of how she’d looked last night, when she’d come to his room.

He took a deep breath. That encounter had started off shaky and ended up so solid. _So solid._

Today could be the same.

Before he could think about it too much more, James blurted out, “Look, Evans, I’m sorry about earlier. I was an idiot. I don’t intend to stop you from fighting those Slytherin wankstains, I just—” he mussed his hair again and sighed “—I don’t think you should have to. But I see that it’s not my call to make.”

“It isn’t,” Lily said, chin still in the air, but her eyes were softer now.

“I know. I know, logically, that you’ve got to be a part of this fight.” James shook his head, but his expression was earnest. “I know you can do it, I hope you know I think you’re brilliant. I just never want to see you get hurt.”

Lily blinked as if taken aback by his sincerity. “Thank you,” she said after a moment, and the softness in her eyes was clear in her voice now, too. “I appreciate that, Potter, I do. But I’m not going to sit back and watch Death Eaters take over _my_ school. And you shouldn’t expect me to.”

“You’re right,” James said quickly. “And I don’t.”

“Good.” Lily nodded firmly. “So, any blood-supremacist rubbish, we deal with it together, all right? We’re a team now.”

James swallowed hard. “Right,” he agreed, and he felt his neck heat up at that declaration. “A team.” He puffed up his cheeks and blew out a breath. “So, I suppose I should tell you what I saw at lunch today.”

He recounted the incident between Avery, Warrington, and O’Malley, including Avery’s not-so-subtle jabs at Liam’s blood-status. “Livia Burke was there, too,” he added, shaking his head, “giggling the whole time. Didn’t seem like she would’ve stopped Avery from taking a swing at O’Malley.”

Lily’s eyes went wide at the tale. “She’s a prefect!” she snapped. “She can’t bully other students, or allow her Housemates to do it, either.”

“Of course not.” James frowned. “I mean, she wasn’t the one calling O’Malley names. And you know every prefect favors their own House a bit. I just don’t know how far she was willing to let Avery go.”

“Ugh.” Lily scowled. “I suppose we’ll have to talk to her about expectations. Remind her she’s got an obligation to all Hogwarts students, not just Slytherins or pure-bloods.”

“Yes, and there’ll be consequences if she can’t abide by that.”

“Yeah,” Lily agreed. “I’d hate to have to go to Dumbledore so early in the Term, but we can’t have her putting other students at risk.”

“Right. Damn.” James sighed and shook his head. “I was afraid you’d say that.”

Lily raised her eyebrows. “Say what, that we’ll go to Dumbledore? What else can we do, if it comes down to it?”

“Oh, I dunno. I think a bit of stink sap in her wardrobe or some bobotuber pus in her face cream would teach her a jolly good lesson.”

James watched Lily fight a losing battle against her laugh, which bubbled from her lips like a pot boiling over. “Potter,” she reprimanded, still giggling, “you know we can’t do that. Then we’d be no better than she is.”

“I know.” One side of James’ mouth curved higher than the other with his grin. “But that’s why we’re a good pair, eh? I push the boundaries, and you keep us within the lines.”

Lily’s laugh turned into a snort, and she hesitated for a moment, but her smile was genuine when she met James’ eye. “Yeah. I suppose that’s right.”

A wave of relief coursed through James’ body. “I’m glad we’re partners, Evans,” he said sincerely. “We’re a team, like you said. And I really am sorry about earlier.”

“Thank you.” Lily finally uncrossed her arms and ran her hands absently over her skirt. “I think I’m glad we’re partners, too.”

“Yeah?” He would’ve liked to say something clever, but her hands were distracting, rubbing her thighs that way.

“Yeah,” Lily replied, nodding. “And I _think_ I’ll accept your apology.” She seemed to be fighting a smile as she looked up at him through her eyelashes. “But maybe you ought to do something to make it up to me.”

Now _that_ was distracting. James instinctively lowered his voice and asked, “What’d you have in mind?”

There was a mischievous twinkle in her bright green eyes. “Well,” she drawled, “My mum used to say the best way to apologize is with baked goods. I’ve never known you to bake, but maybe you can come up with something sweet.”

James really hoped that was innuendo. He licked his lips. “Something sweet?”

“Mmhmm.” Lily looked at him through lowered eyelashes, her lips quirked in a grin. “I’ve always been fond of sugar quills.”

James burst into loud laughter. _Not innuendo then_. “You little minx. I’ll see what I can do.”

Lily’s expression turned smug, satisfied, which made James smile more. “Brilliant,” she said.

They stared at each other for a moment, their silly smiles fading into something more tender. James had that feeling again, like maybe he could kiss her and she’d thank him for it. He took a deep breath and ruffled his hair.

“Right. So, erm, well,” he began, like any articulate scholar might, “what are you—what’s the—have you got any plans for the evening?”

Lily blinked up at him. “Plans? Well, er,” she said, sounding barely more composed than he had, “I’ve got an Arithmancy assignment due tomorrow. So, you know. I’ll need to work on that.”

“Ah, right,” James said, nodding. “I imagine that’ll take a while.”

“Yeah, I’ve got to read an entire review packet and answer some questions.”

“Right,” James repeated. He waited, hoping she’d say Arithmancy could wait, and the only thing she needed to do right now was press her chest against his and nibble his bottom lip.

She didn’t, of course. After a moment, he gave her a little wave, then shoved his hands in his pockets and began backing out of her room. “Well, if you need a break, you know how to find me.”

“Thanks, Potter.” Lily smiled and shook her head. “But the last thing I need right now is a distraction.”

“Ah, well.” James grinned, too, satisfied by the tacit admission that she’d at least considered it. “There’s always tomorrow. ‘Night, Evans.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting! xo


	10. In which Lily has trouble sleeping and adopts a plant

After James left, Lily made a quick trip to the Great Hall to grab some supper, then returned to her room to hunker down with her Arithmancy text. Her head still ached a bit, and she really wanted to curl up in bed with a novel, but she was supposed to complete a review packet to brush up on magicalculus equations before tomorrow’s lesson. 

Lily really hated magicalculus equations.

Almost two hours later, her hands were stained with ink, there was crumpled parchment at her feet, and she was wondering why, exactly, a Healer needed to know Advanced Arithmancy, anyway.

She leaned back in her desk chair and closed her eyes against the throbbing in her head. She needed a break from staring at these stupid review papers, but she knew if she left her room there was no way she’d finish the assignment tonight. Still, she wished she could’ve had a leisurely meal with the girls, practiced some wizarding chess with Sirius, or just listened to James grovel a bit more in apology for his macho behavior earlier.

And then…maybe they’d see where the night went from there.

 _Ugh_. Lily covered her face with both hands and let out a pitiful moan. What was wrong with her? She’d only agreed to James’ ridiculous suggestion because she hadn’t wanted to be alone with her thoughts, but he’d done his job too well. Now, instead of her mind wandering to Anthony, or her father, or life outside of Hogwarts, it seemed like far too many of her thoughts landed on James.

Not five seconds after this annoying realization, James knocked at Lily’s bedroom door.

She started slightly, then pressed her lips together to hide a smile. By the time she opened the door, she had her eyebrows raised in mock-sternness. “I thought I told you I have to work this evening.”

“You did,” James assured her. He looked extremely pleased with himself. “But you also asked me to apologize with treats, and so—” he made a sweeping bow, then produced a package of sugar quills from behind his back “—your quills, madam.”

In spite of herself, Lily’s face lit up like a sunrise. “Where did you get these?”

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” he said, winking.

“You know that expression is usually for Muggle performers who can’t actually do magic, right?”

James grinned. “Still applies.”

Lily smiled back. “Well, thanks, Potter. This is quite kind of you.”

“I aim to please.” He bowed again. “How’s Arithmancy going?”

“Very poorly.” She sighed and wrinkled her nose. “I hate that class.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

She shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. You’ve brought me treats, that’s more than enough.”

“You suuuure?” James dragged out the word and waggled his eyebrows.

“Yes!” Lily’s cheeks went warm, but she laughed. “We’ve been over this! You’re not meant to distract me from schoolwork.” Her smile faded a bit, and she added, “I appreciate the offer, but honestly, I’ve still got this headache, and I just want to finish this assignment and get in bed.”

“Ah, got it.” James grimaced slightly. “Sorry if I made it worse. The headache, I mean.”

“You didn’t,” Lily replied. She narrowed her eyes and scowled, thinking back to when she’d first noticed the dull pulsing in her forehead. “If anyone did, it was Severus.”

James’ eyes darkened. “What an absolute wanker. I can’t believe—” he tugged on his hair and huffed out a breath, “—never mind. You don’t need me to tell you how horrible he is.”

Lily gave him a pointed nod. “No, I don’t.”

“All right.” James held up his hands in surrender. “I’ll leave you to your formulas, then.”

“Ugh. I—” She stopped herself before the words ‘I wish you wouldn’t’ slipped out of her mouth. Instead, she shook her head rapidly and rolled her eyes, but she followed the gestures with a smile. “Thanks again for the sugar quills.”

He shrugged and smiled, too, his grin lopsided and surprisingly innocent. “Anytime, Evans.”

She shut the door after him, but lingered there for a second, leaning back against it with what she knew was a goofy look on her face. Her fingers traced the package of sugar quills in her hand, and she shook her head. She hoped he hadn’t gone out of his way just because she’d asked for some sweets. She didn’t want him doing anything more for her than he would for any of his other friends.

Except maybe the kissing bits.

Lily sighed heavily. She told herself the drama she put into it was because she was annoyed to get back to Arithmancy, not because she swooning over James’ lips. _You’ve no time to think about kissing_. She returned to her desk and opened her pack of sugar quills, selecting a long one to munch on while she worked. Pushing all thoughts of James aside, she attacked her studies with renewed vigor.

The sugar helped her power through the rest of her homework pretty quickly. It might’ve even helped her headache a bit – she certainly felt better than she had an hour or two ago – but she was still exhausted. After readying herself for bed, Lily slid under her covers and sighed as she relaxed into her pillow. She didn’t think about the day’s difficulties, or tomorrow’s schedule, or even James’ crooked smile – only the comfort of her four-poster bed. She was asleep within minutes.

* * *

In the morning, Professor Dumbledore called Lily to his office for an unexpected meeting. When she arrived, Severus was already sitting in one of the chairs across from the Headmaster’s desk.

“Ms. Evans,” said Dumbledore, inclining his head in her direction. “Have a seat.”

“Of course.” Lily took the seat next to Snape and tried not to look unnerved. “Is everything all right?”

Dumbledore steepled his fingers in front of him as he spoke. “I have an assignment for the two of you, and it will affect your future at Hogwarts. I expect you to put forth your best effort.”

“Yes, Professor.” Snape’s voice was low and silky. It made the hairs on Lily’s neck stand on end.

“What do we have to do?” she asked.

“Together,” Dumbledore said, reaching into his desk drawer and feeling around for something, “I expect you two to care for this baby” –he produced a plastic doll and sat it on the desk— “for twenty-four hours. Then you’ll return him to me and tell me what you’ve learned.”

“What?” Lily demanded. “What are you talking about? Why him? I don't want to work with him, he’s not my partner!”

“Ah, but he is.” The Headmaster nodded towards Severus, who was proudly wearing a Head Boy badge pinned to his robes. “I think you’ll do well together.”

“We’ve always been good together, Lily, you know that.” Snape’s voice was soft, his expression smug.

“We’re not even friends! You don’t really want me in your school!” Lily set her jaw and glared first at Snape, then at Dumbledore. “I don’t understand,” she asked the Headmaster. “What's going on?"

“You needn’t worry about that,” was Dumbledore’s unhelpful and inaccurate answer. “It’s only a test.” He peered at them over his half-moon spectacles, then gave a sharp nod. “All right, that’ll be all.”

Lily was in a fog as she left the Headmaster’s office. The next thing she knew, she and Severus were out on Hogwarts grounds, walking towards the Great Lake. Lily cradled their “baby” while Severus blathered on about end-of-the-year “qualifying exams,” a term Lily had never heard in the Wizarding world before. He was convinced Lily wouldn’t be able to pass.

Oddly, even though she couldn’t recall preparing for them, Severus’ words didn’t make her nervous. He’d always underestimated her.

When they reached the edge of the lake, Severus stripped off his robes and walked right into the water. “Give him to me,” he ordered, turning back to Lily with his arms outstretched. “I’ll teach him.”

It didn’t feel right to let Severus teach their child anything, but Dumbledore had demanded that they work together. Reluctantly, Lily leaned forward and handed the wiggling child – the baby was alive and moving now, grasping at Lily’s face with a tiny hand – over to Snape. Then she shucked out of her own robes to reveal jeans and a t-shirt, and waded into the shallow water, as well.

They splashed around a little, and Severus kept dunking the baby under the water, then lifting him high in the air while he and the baby laughed. It made Lily nervous, but the baby seemed to enjoy it.

After a particularly long dunk, though, Lily moved towards Snape to take the baby back from him. Before she got to them, Snape’s face hardened in a scowl and he began backing away, staring menacingly at something over Lily’s shoulder.

Still drifting towards Snape, Lily glanced behind her and saw James Potter standing on the shore in full Muggle lifeguard gear, blowing a whistle.

“Oi, come back in here!” James yelled at them. “It’s too deep!”

Severus made a disgusted noise and turned away from the shore. Then he tucked the baby under one arm and dove underwater, swimming farther away from Lily.

Dread settled in Lily’s stomach, but, still, she turned to James with her eyebrows raised. “It’s not deep at all, it’s only up to my knees!”

“It’s too deep!” James repeated, and suddenly the ground beneath Lily's feet disappeared, shocking her. She bobbed lower, until the water covered her nose, before she got ahold of herself and began steadily treading water.

About twenty feet away from her, Snape and the baby were now treading water, too. Snape gave Lily and James a smug look as he held the baby out to Lily, almost tauntingly. “Come and get—” he began, but his eyes went wide and he gasped, letting go of the baby as he was yanked beneath the surface of the water.

“Severus!” Lily screamed. “The baby!” She ducked under the water and began swimming as fast as she could towards them. She could just make out the giant squid through the murky water, but there was no sign of Snape or their child. Panicked, Lily surfaced to gulp some air, then dove back under to continue her search.

No matter how hard she swam, she couldn’t seem to get closer to the squid. Her arms were getting so tired, and she couldn’t see Snape or the baby anywhere. She growled, fighting back tears of frustration. _Dumbledore will kick me out of school if I fail this test. I have to save the baby!_

Suddenly, there was a splash behind her. Lily turned to see James flying towards her in a perfect freestyle stroke. He slowed as he approached her and reached for her hand. “Evans, come on!”

Lily yanked her hand away from him and shook her head. “The baby!” she yelled, even as she struggled to stay afloat. “Save the baby!”

James hesitated for a moment, then nodded and took off towards the middle of the lake. Lily followed in his wake, trying to keep up.

She and James spotted the baby at the exact same time. The child was floating, alone and fully submerged, in the water in front of them. James grabbed him and pulled him against his chest, and a feeling of relief flooded through Lily’s body. Somehow, she knew the baby would be all right. She wouldn’t fail.

James cast a glance her way and pointed above his head to the surface of the lake. Lily nodded and turned to follow him when she felt something brush against her foot. She glanced down, and, to her surprise, Severus was right beneath her, the squid still pulling him deeper and deeper underwater. He reached for her as she looked down at him, air bubbling out of his mouth as he tried to speak.

Instinctively, Lily stretched an arm towards him. She hadn’t wanted to partner with him, but she couldn’t watch him drown. But he was too far away. She dove deeper still and reached for him again. _I have to save him, I have to save him, I have to save him_ , she thought, with each stroke.

Her body was tired and her lungs were aching from the effort. Still, she reached for Snape’s hands again, just as he tilted his face towards her.

The face looking up at her was no longer Severus’. It was her father’s.

Lily drew her hands back in fright, then immediately reached out for the figure again.

“Dad!?” she yelled. And her mouth filled with water.

* * *

Lily woke with a gasp. She bolted upright in her bed, then hunched forward, taking great, heaving breaths to replenish the oxygen she was sure she’d lost in the lake.

_What the hell?_

The dream was already foggy, but she remembered enough. _Severus isn’t here, and James saved the baby_ , she thought, nonsensically, _and Da is dead. He didn’t drown, and neither did I. It was just a dream_.

She kept repeating that last thought to herself as she tried to steady her breathing and slow her racing heart. The more she breathed, the clearer her thoughts became. There’d been no meeting with Dumbledore, and there was no baby. She wasn’t partners with Severus, and there was no test. She and everyone she cared about were safe.

Everyone except her father.

Lily sucked in another ragged deep breath. Her dream made no sense. Obviously, it was far too late for her to actually save her dad. And in real life, he’d always been an excellent swimmer, and a fisherman to boot. He was never more comfortable than when he was near the water. The idea of him drowning was absurd.

That didn’t change the fact that he really was gone, though.

Lily pressed her two fingers to each of her temples and began massaging in slow circles. Those memory charms had really done a number on her mind. Not to mention Snape’s callous remarks about her father after class, or the way he’d been staring at her in Transfiguration, like a predator waiting for his prey to show weakness.

 _Ugh_. That’s probably why he’d shown up in her nightmares.

Why the hell had dream Dumbledore made her partner with _Snape_ , of all people in the world? Lily was furious, even knowing it hadn’t really happened.

But she was equally furious with herself for letting Snape get in her head.

“He’s not worth it,” she whispered, repeating what she’d told James earlier in the day. “He’s so not worth it.”

Still, every time she closed her eyes, she was greeted with an image of Snape’s sneering face or her father’s unseeing eyes as he sank in the lake.

She didn’t sleep the rest of the night.

* * *

The next morning, Lily dragged herself out of bed and made it to Herbology only seconds before Professor Sprout began her lecture. She had a lingering headache, bags under her eyes, and her socks didn’t match. James gave her a quizzical look as she trudged to her workstation, but she waved him off with a half-smile. She wasn’t in the mood for his banter just yet.

Not that she was upset with him anymore. It was just that, after yesterday’s argument, the last thing she could tell James was that she’d had a nightmare about Severus, and in it, James had sort of come to her rescue.

The audacity of her subconscious.

“Today we’ll be studying the mucuna puriens,” Professor Sprout was saying, gesturing to a hanging plant with purple, petal-shaped bulbs. “Muggles call them velvet beans because of the texture of the pods.”

“They’re so pretty!” Dorcas exclaimed.

“You think everything’s pretty, Dor,” Marlene teased.

“These are pretty, but in young plants, the pods look different, almost like they’re covered in fur. The leaves, as well. And they’ll cause quite an itch if you’re not careful,” Professor Sprout warned. “So, everyone put on a pair of gloves, and break into groups of four. You’ll be observing some of the younger plants today, and I’ve only got five of them for the lot of you.”

The students did as they’d been told, and Lily joined Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary to inspect one of the plants.

“Okay, fine, so these baby ones are weird. Like furry caterpillars,” Dorcas was saying as she prodded a seed pod with her wand. “But the adult one Sprout showed us was lovely! They remind me of bluebells, but…more intense. Bluebells with an attitude.” She giggled.

“Fantastic, noo ah’m ne’er going tae mind their proper names! Just call ‘em bluebells with attitude, won’t I?” Mary grumbled, and the girls laughed.

Professor Sprout lectured them on what a healthy velvet bean plant should look like and had them identify each of the parts. “Now, select one pod, and open it up,” she instructed. “The beans should be dark brown or black, but some of them might be quite small. These plants aren’t ready for harvest.”

David Obayemi, a Ravenclaw student, tentatively raised his hand. “Professor, my father—well, he’s a Muggle, but he purchases supplements made from these beans.” Even though his skin was a deep brown, Lily had the sense he was blushing. “In Nigeria, they are believed to make a man more fertile.”

A few students snickered, but Professor Sprout gave David a firm nod. “Your father is correct, Mr. Obayemi. In fact, you’ve earned five points to Ravenclaw.” She smiled. “Mucuna puriens can enhance both male and female fertility, if prepared correctly. Of course, Muggles often don’t know the proper preparation.”

“These are sex beans?” Peter exclaimed, and now more students were laughing as Sirius cuffed Peter upside the head.

“Mucuna puriens have dozens of uses, Mr. Pettigrew,” Professor Sprout said. Her voice was stern, but her eyes were twinkling. “But yes, they can be used to enhance fertility _and_ to improve one’s sex drive, among other things.”

“What other things?” Dorcas asked, eyes wide, her tone almost pleading with the teacher to turn the conversation away from sex. “What else are they good for?”

“Well, they can be used to boost someone’s mood or their energy, that’s probably their second most common use. Some say they help you focus. And they can provide relief from mild pain or help settle the stomach when included in certain potions.”

“They’re extraordinary, honestly,” James cut-in excitedly. “My dad told me there are at least thirty-seven separate ways to prepare mucuna puriens, each for a slightly different purpose. One way for someone who’s feeling the blues, another for someone trying to lose weight, and another for someone with digestive troubles. He says there’s no one plant more useful!”

“Right you are, Mr. Potter.” The Professor looked proud. “That’s ten points to Gryffindor.”

Lily glanced up and saw James beaming under the professor’s praise. He caught Lily’s eye, and she gave him a quick smile before she turned away and pretended to be intently studying the velvet beans.

Three years ago, she’d thought he was obnoxious, always showing off the extensive potions knowledge he’d learned from his father. Now she found it adorable.

Her brain was turning to mush.

She needed to find other things to keep her attention, so her brain wouldn’t be filled with Potter all the time. At the end of class, she approached Professor Sprout. “‘Lo, Professor,” she said, “I was wondering—are Mucuna puriens easy to care for?”

“Hmm.” The Professor brushed some dirt off her palms and stroked her chin. “They hate cold climates, that’s for sure. But they thrive in the greenhouse. As long as it’s warm enough and the soil’s soft enough, all’s they really need is sunlight, water every other day, and a place for the vines to climb. They’re hardy. Why do you ask?”

“Well, they’ve so many uses in Healing and Potions,” Lily said, “and seeing as I want to be a Healer, I was wondering if I might have one for my dormitory? I could practice caring for it and learn what it looks like at different stages.”

“Interesting idea. I suppose I can do that, maybe give you the smallest one of this lot and see if you can coax some beans out of it, eh?” Professor Sprout chuckled. “The rest I’ve got to give to Madam Pomfrey and Professor Slughorn.”

“That’d be brilliant, Professor, thank you.”

“All right, then.” Professor Sprout raised an eyebrow. “And I can trust you not to use it for anything illicit, can’t I? No black-market aphrodisiacs for students?”

Lily shook her head quickly. _Not aphrodisiacs for others, but maybe a pain-reducing tonic for myself if these headaches keep up._

“Of course not,” she assured the professor. “I just think learning to care for something so complex will be useful to my career in the future.” She turned on her most winning smile and added, “Not to mention my Herbology grade this term.”

“Ha!” Professor Sprout barked out a loud chuckle and shook her head at Lily’s cheek. “Well, I certainly see no harm in that, Ms. Evans. Come back when you’re finished your lessons today to pick it up.”

“Thanks, Professor!” Lily waved at her as she hurried out the door.

Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, and three of the Marauders were halfway up the hill to the castle when Lily emerged from the greenhouse, but James was waiting for her just outside the door. She stopped short in surprise, then nodded and smiled.

“All right, Evans?” he asked, giving her a crooked little smile of his own.

“I’m all right, Potter. How’re you?”

“I’m fantastic.” He tousled his hair with one hand and reached into the pocket of his robes with the other. He produced an apple and held it out to her. “Hungry? I noticed you weren’t at breakfast.”

“Yeah, I woke up late.” Lily shrugged. “Didn’t sleep well last night.”

There was a glint in James’ hazel eyes. “Too much sugar, perhaps?”

Lily giggled at his tone. “Maybe so, I didn’t consider that. Hmm.” She scrunched up her nose, pretending to think. “I guess that means it’s _your_ fault I didn’t sleep.”

“Oh, no, I was only fulfilling a direct request. I accept no responsibility.” His smile widened. He held out the apple again as they climbed the hill. “Take it. I know you’ve got Arithmancy now, so you won’t make it to lunch for at least another hour-and-a-half.”

She told herself not to be touched that he knew her schedule; they’d exchanged all that information at the first prefect’s meeting. She bit her lip and eyed the apple, then took it with a hesitant smile. “Yeah, all right,” she said. “Thanks, Potter.”

“Not a problem. In fact, maybe that’s my main role in this partnership—bringing you snacks.”

“You do much more than that,” Lily said without thinking.

James’ hand jumped back to his hair, and Lily was certain they were both blushing. He shook his head quickly and grinned at her again.

“Right, that reminds me. We have some Head duties to take care of,” he said. “When do you want to talk to Livia?”

“Ugh,” Lily groaned, “I’d already forgotten about her.” She sighed. “I guess we’d better do it today, right?”

“Might as well get it over with,” James agreed. “Want to meet in the prefect’s office after classes?”

“Good idea,” Lily said, nodding. “But can we meet back here at the greenhouse? Professor Sprout’s letting me keep a mucuna puriens.”

“Oh, really?” James waggled his eyebrows. “Worried about your sex drive, Evans?”

She raised her own eyebrows and lowered her voice in a flirty challenge. “What do you think?”

“Er…” James’ mind seemed to have gone blank. One hand was in his hair, and he’d stopped walking, but his upper body was tilted, bending slowly towards her as if pulled by a string.

Lily stopped walking, too, and her cheeks flushed as she looked back at him. Something in his eyes made her breath catch.

_Why did I say that? What was I thinking? Is he going to kiss me now?_

_Would it be so bad if he did?_

She wasn’t sure, but the possibility felt dangerous. A kiss in the daylight, where any number of people could see, was entirely different than letting James comfort her in the privacy of the Heads’ dorms. If she kissed him now, she might have to start thinking about what she was doing with James Potter in the first place. Right now, she didn’t want to think. She just wanted to enjoy it.

James was still leaning towards her, those full lips parted slightly. Lily swallowed hard. And then, in a moment of evil genius, she reached out and squeezed him just below his ribcage.

He jumped away from her with a squeal. “Oi! You fight dirty!” he proclaimed, wrapping his arms around his middle.

The trance was broken. Lily gave him an impish grin, though inside she was filled with relief. “And never forget it.” She laughed and jogged away from him, then held up the apple as she turned to go inside the castle. “Thanks again, Potter.”

Their eyes met, and her heart stuttered in her chest. His smile was magic.

“Anytime, Evans.”

Walking to Arithmancy and munching on her apple, Lily noticed her head was starting to feel better already. She paused, considering that, then smiled to herself.

If it was going to be more about snacks and less about locking her in a tower for safekeeping, she might not mind having James looking out for her, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like these chapters with tastes of their school time, peppered with bits of denial and confusion and pining. I hope y'all do, too--let me know! Either way, we'll get back to the action soon ;)


	11. In which Lily and James confront a blood-purist and do some flirting

James was glad to see that Lily seemed to be feeling more like herself on Wednesday. She made it to breakfast, and he managed not to accidentally pick a fight with her before the meal was over. She looked peaceful in Charms class, and she, James, and Sirius walked to Potions together without any interference from Snivellus.

At lunch hour, instead of joining their friends, James and Lily went to the prefects’ office to meet Livia Burke. They hadn't been able to find her yesterday after class, so today they had sent her a note over breakfast to let her know they needed to speak to her at 1 o’clock. She hadn’t responded, but when they walked into the office after their Potions lesson, she was waiting for them, sitting on top of a desk with her legs crossed.

“Potter, Evans.” She gave them a shark-like smile. “You wanted to see me?”

Lily’s eyes narrowed for a moment, then she smiled back, professionally distant like a customer service representative at a bank. “Yes, thank you for coming. We’d like to have a chat about your responsibilities as a prefect.”

Livia hmphed and examined her nails. “I was at the first meeting, I know what my duties are.”

“But, do you?” James interjected, brow furrowed and tone falsely contemplative. “Because only yesterday your housemates were threatening a fourth-year with violence, and you just stood there, laughing.”

She looked up from her fingernails with an exaggerated roll of her eyes. “Oh, come on. I wouldn’t have let Avery touch him. He was just taking the piss.”

“And his comments about O’Malley’s blood status?” Lily demanded, her polite smile dropping away.

“What about it?” Livia looked at her nails again, and James was suddenly sure she was making a show of ignoring Lily. “He only stated a fact.”

“C’mon, Burke.” He’d wanted to let Lily take the lead, but he didn’t want to give Livia more time to play this game, to manipulate the conversation with her feigned ignorance and subtle insinuations. “You heard him insult O’Malley’s father, and you know the way he said half-blood was loaded, at best.”

Livia sniffed. “Maybe you’re overly sensitive.”

“And your sister calling me a blood-traitor, am I being overly sensitive about that, too?”

“Look, I’m not prejudiced.” Livia shrugged one shoulder, unconcerned, and continued, “But there’s nothing wrong with my sister and I being proud of our own culture and thinking it’s important to look out for each other. You know, if any group is oppressed right now, it’s pureblood witches and wizards.”

Lily’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you joking? No one’s trying to eliminate purebloods!”

“Aren’t they?” Livia asked, now giving Lily her full attention along with another predatory look. “Encouraging intermarrying, treating near-human creatures as equals, promoting Muggle technology? Even here at Hogwarts, we don’t get a holiday for Gamp’s birthday anymore, and when we’re not in class we’re allowed to wear Muggle clothing. Dumbledore doesn’t give a fig about preserving old traditions or the wizarding way of life.”

“There’s room for both new and old traditions at Hogwarts, you know,” said James. “Dumbledore welcoming new ideas isn’t the same thing as oppressing purebloods.”

“And what’s wrong with marriage between Muggles and wizards?” Lily asked, her eyebrows still high on her forehead. “Why wouldn’t you want the population of magical people to grow?”

Livia’s eyes drifted closed as she shook her head and sighed loudly. “It’s nothing against you personally, Evans, you understand? I just think the kind of magical and non-magical mixing that leads to Muggleborns is dangerous. Next thing you know, Dumbledore will be trying to convince us wizards should mate with centaurs, or house elves.” She shuddered.

James’ eyes narrowed. “That’s absurd and you know it. Muggles are human. Centaurs aren’t.”

“What do you mean, ‘that leads to Muggleborns’?” Lily demanded at the same time.

“Of course Muggles are _human_ , but if you allow one kind of intermixing, why should it stop there? That’s why it’s dangerous.” The Slytherin girl folded her arms over her chest and bounced her crossed leg as if she were annoyed at having to explain something so simple. “But sure, let’s focus on Muggles. When wizards and Muggles mix, they’re more likely to produce a magical child, aren’t they? And if so, that child will have at least one magical parent to teach them, so they’ll be all right, I suppose. They’ll never be as powerful as a pureblood wizard, but at least they’ll learn our ways. But if that child marries a Muggle, the odds of the next generation having magic get lower and lower, don’t you see? It’s like, if you mix water with ink, you don’t get darker ink, do you? Of course not. Intermarriage dilutes our blood. Eventually, we’ll be extinct.”

Lily snorted. “That doesn’t make any sense. Blood status isn't a measure of how much magic a person has.”

“And magic isn’t ink, it doesn’t get diluted,” James added. “Professor McGonagall’s a half-blood, and I’ve never met a more brilliant witch! And Alastor Moody, the Auror? He’s developed protections against Dark magic that no one’s ever seen before, and he’s not a pureblood, either.”

“Moody’s a few gobstones short of a set. But I’ll admit McGonagall’s brilliant. There are exceptions to any rule,” Livia said, waving a hand. “Regardless, we should just keep Muggles and wizards separate. Then we don’t have to worry about any mixing or diluting magical talent, and Muggle families won’t have to worry about mud—Muggleborns that they don’t know how to care for.”

“That’s not how magic works.” Lily’s tone was firm, and James was glad to see that she seemed unperturbed by Livia’s nonsense, including her near-use of a slur against people like Lily. “It's not quantifiable, and it doesn't only operate along bloodlines.”

“Otherwise, there’d be no Muggleborns and no Squibs,” James noted.

“Exactly,” Lily agreed. “And it doesn’t _matter_ that there weren’t any wizards in my family before me, because wizards like Dumbledore know that there needs to be a place where _all_ magical students are welcomed, especially those whose families can’t teach them themselves. That’s what Hogwarts is.”

Livia looked appalled. “But, of course there were wizards in your family at some point, Evans, Muggles don’t just get magic from nowhere. You probably had a great-grandparent who was a wizard in hiding, that happened a lot in those back country villages in the north and west. Don’t you see? That’s why it’s better if we just keep separate.”

“No, I don’t see,” Lily said in a clipped voice. She gave Livia another customer-service smile, but her eyes were cold. “Explain it to me?”

“Just think about it.” Livia had stopped bouncing her leg, and her tone was serious but patient, patronizing, like she was talking to a very slow child. “Your great-grandmother or whomever felt she had to hide her magic to live in whatever backward Muggle town she came from. Then she married a Muggle and probably lived out her days pretending she wasn’t a witch. But some generations later, you come along. And how’d your Muggle family feel when suddenly they found out you could do magic? When Dumbledore came and whisked you away to Hogwarts? They must’ve thought he was crazy.” She shook her head, a look of pity in her eyes. “And they probably think you’re crazy, too. It’s just not something they can understand.”

“My family doesn’t care—” Lily cut herself off abruptly and pressed her lips together. She blinked rapidly, her calm façade cracking slightly, and James’ heart cracked with it. He took a step towards her, but she quickly smoothed her expression over and folded her arms over her chest. He could tell by the tiny furrow in her brow she was still bothered, but she wasn’t going to give Livia the satisfaction of seeing her break.

Only slightly worried that Lily might be annoyed by his interference, James jumped back into the conversation before the shark could smell blood in the water.

“Or maybe most Muggles are more tolerant than you,” he said, giving Livia the most disdainful look he could muster. It wasn’t hard – she was loathsome, and he hated that someone who thought like her had been given a position of power at Hogwarts. “Maybe they know better than to be afraid of everyone who’s different from them.”

“Afraid?” Livia laughed airily. “I’ve nothing to fear from a Muggle. But I do fear losing all my family’s skill, our name, and our people’s traditions simply because some wizards don’t value history!”

“Or maybe if you stopped worrying about your precious history and adapted to the present, you wouldn’t have to fear going ‘extinct’!”

“All right, that’s enough!” Lily snapped, slapping a hand down on the desk next to Livia. She had clearly collected herself, and now she turned to the other girl with narrowed eyes. “Whether you think purebloods should associate with half-bloods or Muggleborns or anyone else, your job, as a prefect at this school, is to treat all of your fellow students with dignity and respect.”

Livia rolled her eyes and smirked. “I always do.”

“And if you see your friends or housemates treating anyone poorly, it’s your job to put a stop to it. I’m serious, Burke,” Lily continued. “Regardless of your personal beliefs, Hogwarts is for everyone with any magical talent. And part of our role is to make sure everyone is safe here. Got it?”

“You’re blowing the whole thing with Avery and that Hufflepuff way out of proportion,” Livia said, flicking her hand as if shooing flies. “That boy bumped into my sister and refused to apologize. His blood status had nothing to do with it. You’re the one who’s hung up on that, not me.”

“We’re trying to be nice here, Burke,” James said, spreading his hands. “But this is a warning. If you allow Avery or anyone else to bully other students, we’ll have to tell Dumbledore you’re not right for this position.”

“Oh, really?” Livia stood up and raised her eyebrows at James in a challenge. “Dumbledore knows who I am, and he chose me for this position. But I guess you think you can use your father’s pull to threaten me? I’d like to see you try. My family’s connected, too, you know.”

James chuckled humorlessly. “And that’s the difference between us, Burke. I may come from so-called purebloods, but there’s a reason I’m not in Slytherin. I’m not willing to use my connections to screw over other people or get benefits I don’t deserve.”

“That’s right,” Lily growled, and James felt a surge of pride at her defense of him. She stood next to him with her back straight and chin jutted out. “Potter earned his position. And if you lose yours, it’ll be your own doing.”

“Whatever,” Livia huffed. She’d already dismissed Lily and was smoothing her robes where they’d bunched while she’d been seated. “Are we done here?”

Lily watched her for a second, a muscle in her jaw twitching as she clenched her teeth, then nodded once. “We are.”

“Brill.” Livia turned and swept from the room.

James and Lily watched her leave, seeming to release a breath in unison when the door shut behind her. James ran a rough hand through his hair, wondering, not for the first time, what had made Dumbledore choose him for this position and still so proud that Lily thought he’d earned it. But Livia was right – Dumbledore had picked her, too, so perhaps his judgment was more flawed than either of them realized.

Lily slid into the chair behind the desk where Livia had been perched and leaned forward, her elbows on the desk’s surface and her head in her hands. She’d looked so determined a moment ago, but now she just looked drained. Forgetting his own worries, James pulled his hand from his hair and rested it gently on Lily’s shoulder.

“You all right, Evans?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She rubbed her forehead and sighed again. James wanted to pull her to her feet and hold her against his chest. He shoved his hands in his pockets instead.

She glanced up at him and shrugged one shoulder. “Didn’t expect to get a full lecture on pureblood supremacy today, but here we are. Never a dull moment.” She tried to smile.

“Yeah,” James agreed, shaking his head. “I shouldn’t have tried to argue with her, I’m sorry. We should’ve just stopped her as soon as she started in on that nonsense.”

“It’s not your fault, I got worked up, too.” She took a deep breath. “But if we ever have to have that conversation with her or any other prefect again, let’s go directly to, ‘Do your duties, or we’ll talk to Dumbledore.’ I hate for them to think we’re a pair of little telltales who can’t handle a spat without running to the Headmaster, but I haven’t the stomach to listen to rants like that one every time I ask one of the prefects to do their job.”

“Of course, you’re right. And we’re not telltales, we’re just trying to do _our_ job.” He squeezed her shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.”

She tilted her head to one side, not quite conceding the point. “I suppose not.”

“There isn’t,” James emphasized. “I’m still sorry you had to hear her spout all that anti-Muggle rubbish.”

Lily shrugged, and her expression turned wry. “I’m not bothered by that ‘diluting magic’ nonsense, that’s ignorant. Trouble is, when she said my family probably thinks I’m crazy, I really wanted to tell her they’re not bothered by my magic at all. But…it’s not quite true, you know?” She sighed. “Mum thought it was sort of neat, I think, but she didn’t like to talk about it because it upset Petunia so much. And you know how _she_ feels about it.”

Her eyelids fluttered in a few rapid blinks, and James realized her eyes had gone glassy with unshed tears. The bittersweet smile on her lips matched her words as she continued, “Dad always loved it, though. Thought it was brilliant, loved to look at the moving photographs I brought home from school or on the cover of the Daily Prophet if I got a copy during holiday.”

Her voice was heavy, and James could feel the weight of her loss in his chest. He squeezed her shoulder again. “He sounds great.”

Lily nodded, the ghost of a smile still lingering on her face. “He was. He said he always knew there had to be more to this world than just us—just Muggles, that is. He said he’d expected it to be extraterrestrials, but it was even better that magic existed right here in his own home.”

This time, James didn’t resist the urge to pull her to her feet. She blinked, and he put a hand on each of her shoulders, his expression sincere. “I’m sorry he’s gone, Evans.”

Lily swallowed hard and looked at the floor. “Thanks,” she said quietly, “me too.”

They stood there in silence for a minute or more. Finally, James asked, “So, you want to grab some lunch before Transfig?” He raised his eyebrows encouragingly and tried to keep his voice light. “We’ve still got about half an hour.”

“I don’t…” Lily trailed off, then shook her head and started over. “Yeah, I should eat. Thanks.”

“Not a problem, Evans.” He stepped forward and wrapped her in a brief hug, then stepped back and flashed her a crooked grin. “Keeping you fed is in my job description, remember?”

She laughed, genuine and bright, and James felt better than if he’d scored the winning goal in a Quidditch match. Lily wiggled her shoulders out from under his hands, but her smile was full of gratitude when she said, “Shut up, Potter.”

* * *

Perhaps, James had subconsciously compared a good moment with Lily to Quidditch because trials were later that evening. Though his concern for Evans didn’t fade, by the end of the day, he was so excited to get out on the pitch he could hardly sit through his last class.

Tryouts were always packed – young Gryffindors, being the courageous and occasionally reckless lot that they were, often went out for the team despite an utter lack of experience. It meant the day of trials lasted _forever_.

James didn’t mind. But, knowing what was coming, he and Sirius arrived early to the training field and took their brooms out to run drills and get some real practice in before the newbies showed up and slowed everything down.

“All right, mate?” Sirius asked in greeting. “How’d it go with Burke today?” He held his broom in one hand and had his Keeper’s helmet tucked under his arm as they made their way to the pitch.

“Well enough, I suppose,” James replied, tilting his head from side to side in a "so-so" gesture. “She knows we’ve got our eyes on her now. She did spout a bunch of blood-purist rubbish, but she said she would’ve stopped Avery before he actually started a fight.” He shrugged. “And she doesn’t seem to be calling for Muggle genocide, so…I guess she’s not the worst of them?”

Sirius whistled. “That’s a low bar, Prongs.”

“I know,” James admitted, slinging his broom across his shoulders and kicking at the dirt as he walked.

“Besides,” Sirius added, “the more ‘moderate’ ones are the ones you have to watch out for. Let me guess—she went on about history, and tradition, and her family’s legacy?”

Sometimes, James forgot that Sirius had been raised to have the same ideologies Livia had, if not worse. He sighed. “Something like that.”

Sirius shook his head. “C’mon, mate, you know as well as I do that’s just code for ‘keep the Muggles and their kin out of Hogwarts.’ Out of the wizarding world entirely. And that’s from the ones who _don’t_ think we should enslave them.”

“Yeah.” James scrubbed a hand through his hair. “It wasn’t even coded, really, she all-but said she thinks Muggleborns don’t belong here. I told her we’ll go to Dumbledore if she doesn’t treat everyone fairly, but she basically laughed in my face.”

“Whatever, let her underestimate Dumbledore if she wants to,” Sirius said with a snort and a roll of his eyes. “But what about Evans, how’d she feel about all that blood-purist tosh?”

“She wasn’t too bothered by it at first,” James said, frowning. “But then, talking about family made her think of her dad.”

“Ouch.” Sirius winced. They paused at the edge of the pitch, and he shook his head. “Poor duckie. She always felt like he was the one person in her family that was okay with her no matter what, whether she was a witch or a Muggle or anyone else.”

James’ eyebrows shot up. “She told you that?”

“Yeah.” Sirius shrugged and glanced at James from the corners of his eyes. “It’s not a big deal. She used to have trouble sleeping, so sometimes we’d talk in the common room all night, you remember?” He shrugged again, then combed his fingers through his hair and pulled it into a short tail, secured with a rubber band. “Family issues were something we had in common.”

James nodded and tried not to be envious of his best friend. He’d known Evans suffered from insomnia before and after her mother’s death, and Sirius could certainly relate. But it felt the tiniest bit unfair that he might know more about her life outside of Hogwarts than James did.

“Ah, right.” James swung the bristled end of his broom around to gently thwack Sirius in the back of the head, mussing his freshly-tied ponytail. “Well, I’m glad she had someone to talk to. And you, too.”

“Yeah, me too,” Sirius said. He swung his Keeper’s helmet to bump James in the thigh. “But you could talk to her about that stuff now, too, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“Prongs.” Sirius rolled his eyes again. “Didn’t we establish she’s been looking at you like she wants to eat you? She fancies you, or at least gets off on your banter. I swear she’s just looking for a reason to talk to you nowadays.”

“What? She doesn’t _get off_ on our banter!” James exclaimed, but he felt his neck heating up. “And she doesn’t need a reason to talk to me, we’re just—we’re friends now, partners.” He tugged on his hair. “I’m just glad she doesn’t hate me anymore.”

“Ha! You know she never did.” Before James could respond, Sirius bumped him with his helmet again. “Now come on, we didn’t come out here early to whine about girls! Race you to the far side of the pitch!”

As expected, about twenty-five students showed up for Gryffindor Quidditch trials. Marlene, James, Sirius and Phil Brooks, a sixth-year beater, were all there as returning members from last year’s squad, along with Sarah Baker, Missy Graham, and Prakash Patel, who had all been reserves. The rest were a mix of third- through sixth-years, some of whom looked like they’d never picked up a quaffle before.

Marlene divided them by position and began running the tryouts. There were only four candidates for Seeker, so they went first. Fifth-year Astraeus Jones beat the other candidates to the snitch in four out of five trials, so he earned the spot.

Keeper trials were next. Marlene and James took turns trying to score on each of the four students trying out for the position. As expected, Sirius was the best of all of them. He made a real show of it, knocking the quaffle the length of the field with ease, head-butting it away from the goal rings on two occasions, and making a great one-handed grab with his left hand on James’ last shot. The other hopefuls, plus the fifteen or so students sitting in the stands, cheered wildly at his antics, and he took an unnecessary victory lap on his broom when he finished, waving at the crowd. A sixth-year named Hugh Crawford followed Sirius and performed nearly as well, though with far less flair. Marlene would likely keep him on as a reserve. None of the other candidates even came close, and one, a third-year, was very clearly scared of the quaffle.

After that unfortunate performance, James was casually circling the three goal hoops on his broom, waiting for Marlene to call the next position, when he noticed a head full of deep red hair seated in the stands. Its owner had a textbook open in her lap, but her eyes were glued to the pitch.

No, not to the pitch. To him.

Lily was staring right at him, looking so pleased and awed and proud and… _everything_ that James nearly crashed his broom.

He dodged the goalpost at the last second. His hand jumped to his hair, then he raised it slightly in an awkward wave. Lily blinked as if startled, her fond expression slipping for a moment before she grinned again and waved back. Dorcas, who James hadn’t noticed before this moment, leaned in to whisper something in Lily’s ear, and Lily lowered her eyes. But James could still see her smile.

The rest of tryouts went brilliantly, with James and Marlene performing as well as they ever had, and Prakash not only earning his spot as the third starting Chaser, but exceeding all expectations and scoring the second-most goals behind James. James cheered loudly for him and Missy and Sarah, who were greatly improved, if still not quite ready for starting positions. So caught up was he in the growing team that he didn’t notice when Lily and Dorcas left the stands and went back to the castle.

The sun had nearly set and everyone was exhausted and sweaty by the time Marlene declared trials finished. James clapped her on the shoulder after most of the others had headed off to the changing rooms. “That was brilliant, Captain.”

“Thanks!” Marlene’s cheeks were ruddy and her long braid was coming undone, with wavy, red-gold strands sticking out like a halo around her head. “You were brilliant, too. You made all six of your shots!”

“I was feeling lucky, I guess,” James said, thinking of auburn hair and a sweet smile.

Several of the new team members stayed in the changing rooms to clean up, but James didn’t join them. Not for the first time, he was grateful he had his own private bath in the Head’s dormitories. He ran back to Gryffindor tower and took the stairs in twos, then closed himself in his room for a long, hot shower.

He had finished showering and was toweling his hair when he heard Sirius’ voice from atop his wardrobe.

“Prongs! Proonnnnngs! I’m hungry! Where are you?”

James grabbed his two-way mirror and stared at his pouting best friend. “I just got out of the shower, Pads. What’s happening?”

“What’s happening is I’m _starving_ , and it’s already eight! You know they’ll close the Great Hall by eight-thirty, and then we’ll have to sneak into the kitchens and bother the house elves!”

“Since when do you care about bothering the house elves?”

“Prongs!”

“All right, I’m coming, I’m coming!”

He opened his door, still pulling his t-shirt over his head, and nearly ran right into Lily.

“Oops! All right, Evans?” He reached out his hands to steady her. She reached back, clutching his forearms, then pulled her hands away as if he’d burned her.

“Oh! Yeah! You look great!” Lily blurted out. Her face went red, and she added, “At trials! You looked great at trials today, the team’s going to be strong this year.”

“Oh, thanks!” All thoughts of Sirius (and dinner) flew from James’ head. He pulled the hem of his t-shirt down then ruffled his wet hair and tried not to look smug. “It was nice of you to come watch.”

“Well, Dorcas wanted to support Marlene.”

“Uh-huh.” James took a step closer to her and grinned. “But not me?”

Lily’s lips twitched. She pressed them together and stuck her chin in the air. “Of course we were supporting you too, Potter. But we came for Marlene.”

“I’m hurt, Evans. We’re partners now. And given what a stellar job I’ve done of feeding you these last couple of days—”

“It’s not your job to feed me!”

“—the least you could do is support me at Quidditch.” He ducked his head and turned his best puppy eyes on her.

“Whatever, Potter.” Lily rolled her eyes, but she was grinning now. “You don’t need my support, you know you’ll make the team. And you certainly don’t need any extra attention, your head’s big enough as it is.”

“You already admitted I looked good out there, there’s no point in trying to walk it back now.”

“See, that’s exactly what I mean!” She raised her eyebrows and poked him in the chest for emphasis. “Big. Head.” Her finger lingered over his heart for a moment before she dropped her hand back to her side.

“Heh.” James’ eyes followed the hand that had just been on his chest. He looked up at Lily with a secretive smile and lowered his voice. “I’m just saying, you didn’t seem to mind paying me a bit of attention when I came out of my room just now.”

Lily made a spluttering sound and stepped back. “Well, what do you expect when you come parading out here without your shirt on? You’d stare, too, if I were walking around topless.”

James froze, then one side of his mouth turned up in a smirk. Lily’s cheeks went pink as she seemed to realize what she’d said, but James just shrugged.

“Can’t argue with you there.”

“No, I just meant—not because you look so _good_ , or because _I_ would look so good—I just—people generally expect other people to wear shirts when they’re in public, is all!”

“Ah, I see.” James raised his eyebrows and nodded innocently. “What’s the matter, Evans, are you hot? Your face is all red.”

She scowled. “I’m fine, Potter.”

“Evans.” He was beaming now, he knew it, but there was no use trying to play it cool any longer. He reached out and squeezed her shoulder. “It’s all right if you like the way I look without a shirt on, you know.”

“Ugh!” She wiggled away from him, but the curve of her lips and the light in her eyes let him know she was enjoying this as much as he was. Maybe Sirius was right about their banter. “Well, if I did I wouldn’t tell you! As we’ve established, if your head were any bigger you’d topple over.”

James winked. “You don’t have to tell me, I already know what you think.”

Lily’s voice came out in murmur, so low James wondered if she was talking to herself. “You’ve no _idea_ what I’m thinking.”

They both froze this time, staring at each other, but whether in challenge or embarrassment or something else entirely, James couldn’t be sure.

“I guess I don’t,” he said finally. He ran a hand down the back of his head and let it rest on his neck. “Are you going to tell me?”

Lily’s cheeks were still red. “Nope.” She popped the “p.”

“All right.” He grinned and shrugged. “Well, don’t let me keep you. Did you come up here for something?”

“What?” She blinked guiltily. “Oh! I need to water my mucuna puriens.”

“Ah, right.” James’ brow furrowed in puzzlement. “Why’d you want to keep that plant, anyway?”

“Oh, you know.” Lily shrugged one shoulder casually. “Professor Sprout said they’re quite hardy, so I thought it might be nice to care for something that’s not likely to leave or die any time soon.”

Her eyes went wide before she finished speaking, and she let out a loud, nearly maniacal, laugh. “Kidding! They’re just dead useful, aren’t they, and they have so many healing properties. I just wanted to learn about them up-close.”

James opened his mouth then closed it again, then reached up and mussed his hair. “Right. They’re great. But are you…listen, I know I said it earlier, but I’m really sorry about your dad, Evans.

“It’s fine,” Lily said quickly. “Or it will be.” She crossed her arms and ran her hands up and down her biceps as if she were cold. “I shouldn’t have said that about the plant, it was a bad joke. My da’s been on my mind more than I expected this week.”

“I think that’s normal, Evans.”

“Maybe.” She shook her head and smiled, but her eyes were sad. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

James nodded. “No, right, of course.” He scanned his brain for a way to redirect the conversation, to get back to the teasing place they’d been a moment ago. Without giving it too much thought, he blurted out, “I can take off my shirt again, if you need something else to think about?”

He immediately cringed, wondering whether she’d find that funny or crass or just plain insensitive. But to his surprise, Lily’s sorrowful expression turned coy almost instantly. She bit her lip, then grinned wickedly. “You know, that’s not a bad idea.”

“It isn’t? You—” James coughed and started over. “I mean, I didn’t think it was a bad idea, obviously, that’s why I suggested it. Right. So, uh...I should? Take off my shirt?” He reached behind his head and grabbed the collar of his t-shirt, eyebrows raised in uncertainty.

“No!” Lily giggled and uncrossed her arms. “I really do have to water my velvet beans, and I told Dorcas I’d join her and Marlene for supper. Have you eaten? You must not have, trials ran so long.”

“No, you’re right. Sirius and I were about to head to the Great Hall.

“Brill, so we can all eat together.” Her eyes darted away, then she met his gaze boldly, a flush reappearing in her cheeks. “And maybe after...we could listen to some more music or something.”

“Oh! All right.” James mussed his hair and grinned. “I’d like that.”

“Great. It’s—I—I’ll see you at dinner. Ten minutes?”

“Right. See you then.”

He watched her enter her room, then jogged down the stairs to the boys’ dormitory to collect Sirius. Maybe he was deluding himself, but in his mind, the sentence Lily had stopped herself from saying was, “It’s a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter :-) if you did too, let me know! Also...because everyone has been so wonderful and supportive of this fic, I'm doing a double update this week! Head on over to chapter 12!


	12. In which Lily unsuccessfully attempts to stop thinking about James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Endless thanks to LittleJeannieBean for making this chapter better, as always!! Love you Jeannie :-)

Lily woke up with a smile on her face. She stretched lazily, savoring her soft sheets, firm pillows, and the sensation of _life_ thrumming through her body.

She and James had snogged for at least an hour last night. She could still feel his hands, calloused from Quidditch but so gentle, slipping underneath her shirt and stroking her lower back or massaging her bum. The way he traced his fingertips over her spine made her shiver just thinking about it. Not to mention, she’d figured out how to run her own hands all over his chest and abs – _Merlin_ , those abs – without provoking any ticklish spasms. They’d kissed until her lips were swollen and her mouth was tired.

He’d asked her to stay the night, and part of her had wanted to. But that was definitely a bad idea. She was already worried that instead of getting over Anthony and being a confident, liberated woman, she was just transferring all of her emotions onto James. That wasn’t the plan.

But kissing him was _so_ good. It was just important to draw some lines, for both of their protection.

She rolled out of bed, grabbing her wand from her bedside table as she rose, and wandered over to her window to check on her mucuna puriens. It seemed to be adapting to her room well enough, so far, with its fuzzy, pointed leaves still a vibrant green and its brown seed pods just as furry as ever. She wanted to stroke them, but she didn’t have gloves. She settled for whispering words of encouragement as she watered the plant with a spray from her wand. “Good work, lovely, you’re doing brilliantly.”

Velvet beans cared for, Lily made her way to her bathroom to get ready for her day. She took a leisurely shower and brushed her teeth, then put _Goodbye Yellow Brick Road_ on her record player as background music while she got dressed. Wearing only her bra and knickers, she danced over to her wardrobe to pick out a fresh shirt for the day, then into the bathroom to paint her face.

She was lip-synching and dancing in her underwear to “Bennie and the Jets,” using her tinted cherry lip-balm as a microphone, when she caught a glimpse of her neck in the mirror. A couple of inches below her left ear, right where her jaw met her throat, was a deep red bruise, almost purple at the center and paler around the edges. It reminded Lily of a rose. A mouth-shaped rose.

A hickey. The bloody fool had given her a hickey.

Lily gasped and leaned closer to the mirror to examine it further. She was struck with sudden panic at the thought of seeing James and, more importantly, having him see _her_ with the evidence of their tryst right there on her neck. She knew he’d smirk, and grin that grin she was coming to fancy, and she wouldn’t be able to look at him without imagining him touching her, kissing her, rubbing against her again. Such thoughts would not help her establish boundaries.

She stepped away from the mirror and paced between the bathroom and her bed, taking deep breaths to calm herself. After a few laps around the room, she felt better. If she could keep her mind focused on the task at hand – rather than his hands on her – this was actually a great opportunity to discuss what they were doing and what lines should and shouldn’t be crossed.

_Rule number one – do not give me any more hickies._

That still left the matter of the current one to deal with.

No way would she be able to face Dorcas and Marlene with this thing on her neck and keep a straight face. She’d have to skip breakfast.

Her stomach immediately growled its protest, and Lily sighed. She hadn’t restocked her emergency crisps, and all she had in her room was the packet of sugar quills James had given her. She shook her head. Typical that just when she’d recognized the need for boundaries, she’d find yet another way that James had woven himself into her life.

She turned to her desk to grab the sugar quills and was rewarded with the sight of half of a pumpkin pasty wrapped in a napkin. She’d grabbed it for an after-dinner snack, then promptly forgotten about it once she and James had gotten back upstairs and hurried off to his room for a different kind of dessert.

Lily giggled even as she blushed at her innuendo-filled thoughts. Rolling her eyes at herself, she sat on her bed and ate the neglected pastry gratefully. Then she returned to her bathroom to see if she could work some magic on the mark on her neck.

Forty minutes later, she was ready to face the world. She’d put layer upon layer of concealer under her ear and along her jawline and had debated between large, chandelier earrings that might provide extra coverage or small gold studs that wouldn’t draw any attention to that region of her face. She’d gone with the studs. She also put on some mascara and plaited her hair in a crown down one side of her head, with the tail draped over her left shoulder to help cover anything out of the ordinary on that side of her neck.

Satisfied she’d hidden James’ handiwork, she took a deep breath and marched into the Herbology classroom with her head held high.

She arrived before many other students, including her friends. David Obayemi and Cassius Carrington were chatting about Ravenclaw’s Quidditch trials, which were scheduled for that afternoon, so Lily stopped by their table to let them know that she had watched Gryffindor’s trials and they were fantastic, so Ravenclaw had better watch out. They were in the midst of some good-natured banter when Lily’s girlfriends walked in, Mary and Dorcas giggling, and Marlene grumbling about “older brothers who need a kick in the arse.”

They greeted Lily as they took their seats, Dorcas giving her a quizzical look before she joined her at their workbench. “We missed you at breakfast, everything all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Lily assured her. She frowned and nodded at Marlene, who was still muttering to herself. “What about you, Marls, everything all right?”

“She’s fine. Daniel sent her a Howler,” said Mary, laughing. “Told her how proud he is that she’s Qudditch captain and said he expects her to beat his record of twenty-two goals in a season.”

“He just likes to embarrass me is all,” Marlene muttered. “And remind me what a good Chaser he was in his day.”

“Yeah, but I think he’s really proud of you!” Dorcas said encouragingly. “He just has his own way of showing it.”

“Whatever,” Marlene said, still glowering. “I’ll get him back.”

Lily smiled a bit wistfully. Marlene's eldest brother did like to take the mickey out of his baby sister, but it was all good-natured ribbing, never cruel. When it came down to it, all of the McKinnons were wildly protective of each other. 

Marlene was lucky.

After another gentle reprimand for Dorcas, Marlene stopped complaining about Daniel's antics. She glanced up as if to ask Lily a question, then blinked as if seeing her for the first time. “Hey, you look nice today.”

“Oh, thanks!” Lily said, blushing slightly. “I had a spot that I really wanted to cover, so I figured I might as well go all out.” She shrugged and hoped it didn’t look as awkward as it felt. She also hoped no one would question the nature of her alleged “spot.”

“Ye should’ve come down, and I’d’ve done yer face for ye,” Mary chided playfully. “Only ye would call a bit of mascara and some lip shine _goin’ all oot_.”

Dorcas grinned. “I think it’s perfect, Lil.”

“Thank you, darling,” Lily said. Her cheeks still felt a bit flushed, but she fluttered her eyelashes and blew Dorcas a playful kiss. The girls giggled.

The Marauders entered the greenhouse together, and James gave Lily a wave as he made his way to his seat. She barely returned the greeting, but she blushed even deeper. The corner of his mouth ticked up in a grin as he produced an apple from the pocket of his robes and shook it in her direction. Her face split into a wide smile, and he winked and tucked the apple back into his pocket and took his seat.

Lily was staring at the back of James’ head, thinking how his thick black hair currently looked vaguely like Paul McCartney’s, if the latter were in desperate need of a haircut, when Dorcas nudged her.

“Oi, what’s that about?” she asked, tipping her head in James’ direction. “The apple?”

“Hmm?” Lily’s eyes snapped to Dorcas’, and she hoped she didn’t look guilty. She had to figure out how not to blush every time she thought about James Potter. She tried to look fondly exasperated as she said, “Oh, he just likes to tease me about skipping breakfast.” Another partial truth, but admitting that James had made it his personal mission to see that she ate every day seemed even more intimate than telling her friends they’d spent the night snogging.

“He’s right, you know,” Dorcas whispered breaking Lily out of her trance again. “It’s the most important meal of the day.”

* * *

Even though she knew the apple was for her, Lily didn’t wait for James after class. Since her face insisted on turning bright red at the mere mention of his name or glimpse of his smile, it would be best to avoid him for a bit.

He caught up to her on the way back to the castle, anyway. As expected, her cheeks went warm when he offered her the fruit, and she felt a tremor in her chest when his fingers brushed hers as he deposited it in her palm. He smiled, full of tenderness for her and pride in himself, but before he had a chance to say anything, Lily mumbled her thanks and offered an excuse about being late to Arithmancy.

She knew she was being silly, and very un-Gryffindor, but she needed more time to plan her speech about boundaries.

James had Defense Against the Dark Arts at one in the afternoon, so she felt safe slipping into the Great Hall for some lunch after Arithmancy. She ate quickly, then disappeared to the prefects’ office to plan (or daydream) without fear that anyone would interrupt her to ask if she had something on her neck.

Her plan was working perfectly until about twenty ‘til three, when James appeared in the doorway of the office, wearing his usual smile. “All right, Evans?”

To her frustration, Lily felt her face flush _again_. “Hullo, Potter.”

“Dorcas and Remus told me you were up here.” He strode over to where she was seated and sat on top of the desk next to hers. “Are there some sort of Head Duties I’ve forgotten to do?”

“No. I just needed some peace and quiet.”

“Hmm.” He reached over and tugged the end of her braid. It annoyed her far less than it should. “If I didn’t know any better,” he said, “I’d swear you’re avoiding me today.”

Lily narrowed her eyes for a moment, then pasted an innocent expression on her face and smiled up at him. “Why would I do that?”

“That’s the question, isn’t it?”

He tugged her braid again, and Lily felt a shiver course through her body. _Stupid body._ She slammed her book closed and huffed out a breath. “Well. If I were ignoring you, which I’m not saying I am, it would be because of this!” She stood from her desk and pulled back her braid, tilting her head away from James to expose her throat.

“What’s this?” he asked, frowning. He stood, too, and peered down at Lily’s neck. “I don’t see anything.”

“Well, that’s because I’ve covered it with make-up, isn’t it? But you’ve given me a bloody hickey!”

James burst into laughter. “Come here, let me see,” he said, gesturing for her to come closer. Her breath caught as she stepped towards him. “Hmm,” he said softly, his lips right next to her ear now, “I think I see it.” He stroked her braid again, letting the end of it slip through his fingers, then traced his knuckles gently along her jaw and down her throat. “Right here?”

The next thing Lily knew, they were kissing. James caressed her lower back, then reached down and grabbed her bum with both hands. She rose up on her toes so he could lift her onto the desk, and he made a satisfied sound as she wrapped a leg around him, pulling him closer to her. She felt him grow hard as she did it. She expected one or both of them to pull back, embarrassed, but instead, the kiss grew deeper.

“You’ve no idea what you do to me,” James whispered after a moment, breaking the kiss and dropping his head back as Lily ran her hands down his chest.

“I think I have _some_ idea,” she murmured, then blushed at her own cheek.

James looked down at her and chuckled, low in his throat. The sound made Lily want to sink her teeth into his neck. She settled for kissing his jaw. He groaned and slid his hands over her body, one coming to rest on her hip, his thumb massaging gently, while the other fumbled with her robes to get a good grip on the thigh around his waist.

“Merlin, Evans, I want these robes gone, I need to feel more of you, right here—”

That caught her attention. Her eyes flew open, and she lowered her leg and pushed him away with enough force that she nearly toppled off the desk. “Wait, wait,” she gasped, struggling to sit up straight, “we can’t do this! We’re in the prefects’ office!”

James stepped back towards her and pulled her to a stable, seated position. Then he dropped his hands to her thighs and grinned mischievously. “Makes it more exciting, don’t you think?”

“But we’ll get caught!” Lily pushed his hands away and gestured at him accusingly, trying to remember what she’d wanted to say boundaries. _New rule number two – no snogging in the prefects’ office._ “Not to mention, this is how I ended up with a hickey in the first place!”

“I’m sorry,” James murmured. He leaned in and nipped her ear, and Lily’s breath caught. “Your skin is so soft and you smell so amazing…” He dragged his lips along her cheek. “I can’t get enough of you.”

“Well, I—” her breath hitched again as he alternated between kissing, sucking, and nibbling her earlobe “—I don’t want you to give me anymore hickeys,” she finished breathily. She leaned back so she could look him in the eyes. “No marks.”

“All right, I'll be more careful this time.” He smirked and leaned towards her, but Lily held up a hand to keep him at bay.

“I’m serious, Potter. No more hickeys. And, also, you can't just maul me every time you see me!”

James ducked his head to peer at her over his glasses. “Hold on, Evans. This is very much a mutual mauling.”

Lily hopped off the desk and began pacing. “Plus, we have to work together. This is—it’s unprofessional.”

“Come, now,” James said, stepping closer to her and taking one of her flailing hands. “Now you’re just making excuses.” He tipped her chin up, and for a moment, she forgot what else she’d wanted to say. His eyes were infinite, amber and green swirled galaxies that begged for deeper exploration.

She shook her head, trying to regain her focus, and jerked her hand away from his. “It’s not an excuse! It can’t just be that every time we’re in the same place, we can’t keep our hands off each other.”

“So you can’t keep your hands off me, eh?” James waggled his eyebrows at her.

“No! _You’re_ the one who—”

“Look, I'm just doing my part to help you get over that other bloke,” he interrupted, and now there was a note of accusation in his voice, too. “And we haven’t done anything you don’t want to do, Evans, I’m following your lead. It’s you who brought us to this point last night and the time before that, and I think it’s gone well both times, don’t you?”

Lily growled, the sound equal parts frustration and desperation, and whirled towards James and threw herself into his arms. He let out an “oof!” of surprise, then responded with vigor, clawing at her robes, trying to push aside the fabric to grip her bum as she smashed her lips against his.

“ _Too_ well, I think,” she whispered between kisses. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“Like what?” James murmured. He lifted her off the ground and set her back on the desk, holding her hips tight against his body while his tongue traced her bottom lip.

She pulled away just long enough to respond, “This, with you,” and then her mouth began working its way down James’ throat. He groaned softly, his fingers squeezing her waist. She ran her hands over his slim-but-muscular shoulders and down his arms. _Merlin. Why would I want to stop doing this?_

She half-purred, half-sighed against his jaw. “It was just supposed to be fun, stress relief for the both of us, right? A distraction.”

“And it is fun,” James whispered. He pressed a kiss to the corner of her eye when she looked up from her task. “And certainly distracting.”

“That’s the problem! You’re not only distracting me from my ex, you’re distracting me from everything,” Lily moaned. She buried her face in his chest as she made another admission: “I’ve spent all day thinking about you.”

James grabbed Lily’s face and kissed her lips again. “Welcome to every day of my life, for nearly three years now.”

Lily’s heart fluttered in her chest as she returned the gentle kiss. But the reminder that he’d been pursuing her – though with varying degrees of sincerity, she was sure – for years was somewhat unnerving.

 _Now he’s gotten what he wants, how long before he bores of me? Like Anthony did?_ She put both hands on his chest and gently pushed him back once more. “Wait. I’m serious, now. Maybe we should slow down.”

“Argh.” James leaned in and kissed the spot he’d marked last night, right below Lily’s left ear. She suppressed a shiver. “Are you sure?”

“Yes!” Lily pushed him again, and James stood up straight and sighed.

“If that’s what you want,” he said, running one hand through his hair and adjusting his trousers with the other. “Never let it be said James Potter pressured a lass into anything.”

“No, no, of course not,” Lily said quickly. “You’ve been a perfect gentleman. I just—I need to think about this, and I can’t do that while you’re here.”

“ _I_ think you think too much.”

“Or maybe you don’t think enough?” she teased. He pulled a face, and she laughed. “I just don’t want our hormones to make us forget what we’re doing here, all right?”

James frowned slightly, a flash of disappointment in his eyes. But then the mischief was back, and he sighed theatrically and gave a resigned nod.

“All right,” he agreed. “But think quickly, yeah? I know I’m the one supposed to be distracting you, but I’m not sure how I’m going to focus on anything else until I get to kiss you again.” He licked his lips slowly and winked.

He certainly was confident in the appeal of his mouth, wasn’t he? Ugh. And Lily couldn’t even pretend she didn’t like it. She grabbed him by the shoulders and physically turned him towards the door before her smile grew too wide. “Good-bye, Potter,” she said pointedly. She gave him a light shove.

“I’m going, I’m going! I’ve got Art in a few minutes, anyway.” He sauntered towards the door, then looked back at her over his shoulder. “I’ll see you upstairs later, I suppose.”

At the mere thought of being near Potter’s bedroom again, a quiver of anticipation rippled through Lily’s body. But she stuck her tongue out at him teasingly and returned his wink from moments ago with all the bravado she could muster. “Not if I see you first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lily in denial is one of my favorite Lilys :-)


	13. In which James reveals more than he ought and Lily reveals more than she'd like

At first, James wasn’t sure that Lily was avoiding him. Sure, she was so engrossed in her conversation with Mary and Dorcas at breakfast that she barely spoke to him at all, but that was all right. And when he passed her a note during Charms, she giggled but then wrote back that she needed to concentrate on the theoretical differences between the three spells they were studying – recupera memoriae, legilimens, and memoriam extractum (a spell to extract memories temporarily for storage or review, such as in a Pensieve). That was all right, too.

But as the day went on, he became more and more certain that any time he tried to speak to Lily, she intentionally disappeared. She was late for class, or would claim to have forgotten a textbook, or would suddenly need the loo. It was making him nervous. He wanted to give her space, she’d said she needed to think. But he hadn’t expected her to treat him like he had Dragon Pox.

He managed to corner her briefly after their Transfiguration lesson. She bolted from the classroom like her pants were on fire, but he caught up with her easily as she and Dorcas began their walk back to Gryffindor Tower.

“All right, Evans?” he asked, nodding a greeting her way. “Meadowes?”

“We’re fine,” Dorcas said, shrugging. “How’re you?”

“I’m fine.” He ran a hand through his hair and racked his brain for something to say. “What’d you think of today’s lesson?”

Not quite the witty opener he would’ve liked, but it would do.

“Small-mammal transfiguration is interesting,” Dorcas replied, “but not my favorite. You know I hate working on living things.” She shuddered.

“I liked it,” Lily offered with a shrug, glancing at him briefly before looking away. “But it was harder than I expected. I guess I thought rabbits would be as easy to do as the mice we practiced on in fourth year.”

“Yeah, but the bigger the mammal, the more complex the transfiguration.” James’ eyes lit up and his face split into a smile as he raved about his favorite subject. “And turning a mammal into another mammal is different than a mouse into a teacup. When you transfigure a small mammal into a cup or some such, the first motion of your wand puts the animal into a sort of stasis, right?”

Dorcas was smirking. “Right, of course. Stasis. Go on.” She and Lily giggled and shook their heads.

“Well, it does. That way you can turn the animal into an inanimate object without damaging it, you know? But with mammal-to-mammal transfiguration, the animal keeps its consciousness the whole time, so you’ve got to be really careful. It’s definitely about intent more than timing and wandwork.”

“You’re such a nerd,” Lily teased. James blushed, but he liked that they were joking around. He was sure she wouldn’t tease him if she never wanted to speak to him again, at least, so this conversation was a good sign.

He shrugged, still smiling broadly. “Transfig theory is fascinating, what can I say?”

“You mean terrifying,” Dorcas corrected. “You’re telling me, if I’m not perfectly focused, I could create a _conscious_ teacup? Or my rabbit could end up with a pig’s snout?” She let out a tiny squeal. “It’s too much responsibility!”

“My rabbit still had a cat’s tail at the end of the lesson,” Lily added ruefully. “McGonagall had to fix him up for me.”

James chuckled. “There’s certainly an art to it,” he said, nudging her gently. “If you ever need help, you know this is my specialty.”

“Yes, I know.” Her eyes held equal levels of wariness and amusement. “I almost want to ask why you know so much about transfiguring living things, but I’m scared to know the answer.”

“It’s nothing so bad as you think.” James grinned and scrubbed his hand down the back of his head.

Those bright green eyes flicked to his hair for a second, then Lily shook her head. “There’s no way you get that good at Transfiguration without tons of practice,” she said, putting one hand on her hip, “and I don’t want to know what—or _who_ —you’ve been practicing on.”

“Fair enough,” James said, spreading his hands. He couldn’t tell her what he’d practiced on, anyway, so he changed the subject. “So, listen, what are you up to tonight? It’s Friday, we can finally let loose.”

Lily’s expression closed off as obviously as if someone had slammed a door. “Not sure yet.”

“Well…” He’d wanted to spend time alone with Lily, but her reaction to his innocent question was less than encouraging. He adjusted his approach accordingly. “I was thinking we could all have a little picnic by the lake. Maybe take our suppers down there and perhaps a bit of firewhiskey we’ve got left from last week’s shindig? Just to celebrate making it through the week.” He smiled a lopsided smile.

“Oh, I’d—” Dorcas began, but Lily interrupted her.

“Thanks, Potter, but we can’t. I think Mary wanted to have a girls’ night, you know.”

Over Lily’s shoulder, James noticed Dorcas’ eyebrows pop up, but she said nothing. He frowned and tugged on his hair.

“Oh, right,” he agreed. “Have fun with the girls. See you around.”

“See you!” Lily replied. She hurried away, Dorcas on her heels.

James sighed. _She just needs time_.

After a moment of standing in the corridor like a lost puppy, an idea came to him in a flash. It really _was_ nice weather, and it would do him some good to get outside these castle walls, where everything reminded him of Evans lately. So, if she was going to have an evening with the girls, he could have an evening with the lads. 

He looked around for Pete, but either the smaller boy was hidden by the crowd or he’d already made his way back to the dormitories. James shrugged and headed in that direction, making sure not to walk fast enough to catch up with Evans and Meadowes.

Sure, they all lived in the same place, but he didn’t want Lily to think he was stalking her or anything.

After a leisurely stroll through the castle, he entered Gryffindor Tower and climbed the stairs to the boys’ dorms.

"All right, lads?" he greeted them as he walked into their room.

“All right, Prongs,” Remus replied. “What’re you up to?”

“Nothing,” James said. He kicked off his shoes, then took a running leap onto Sirius’ bed.

Remus smirked. “Your old bed is still in here, you know. You don’t have to share.”

James furrowed his brow. “What fun is that?” He picked up one of Sirius’ pillows and punched it a few times to fluff it, then flopped on his stomach, cradling the pillow to his chest. “He’ll be back from Wizard Lit in a bit, anyway, and honestly, he’d be offended if I didn’t make myself at home in his bed. And once he gets here, I can tell you all my plan!”

“Doesn’t Pads want to be a tinker, or something?” Peter asked. “What’s he taking a literature class for?”

“No, what he wants to be is a Muggle mechanic—”

“—who uses magic on Muggle inventions, though—”

“—but he told McGonagall he wants to be a tinker because it involves a lot of Transfiguration. Brown-noser.” Wizard tinkers were sort of like blacksmiths, metallurgists, and engineers blended into one profession. It required a lot of skill, and Sirius would be quite good at it. But all he really wanted to do was work on his motorbike.

James shrugged. “Anyway, he’s taking Wizard Lit because he likes history.”

“Ah, right,” Peter said knowingly, “and he couldn’t stomach another year of Binns.”

“No, I could not!” Sirius announced, bursting into the room and tossing his rucksack at James’ head. James caught it with ease and scooted over so Sirius could join him. He leapt onto his bed and threw his arms around his best friend’s neck.

“Prongs!” he cried. “To what do we owe this pleasure? You’ve descended from on high to grace our lowly quarters, humbly sharing your affection with mere peasants such as—” he burst into laughter when James whacked him in the face with a pillow. “Sorry, sorry,” he said after he stopped laughing. “It’s just been a bit since you’ve been down here, hasn’t it? You spend all your time in your special dorm now. With Evans.”

James rolled his eyes, but he felt his neck get hot. “I do not. I was down here just three nights ago.”

“Feels like longer.” Sirius rolled onto his back, taking James’ pillow with him. “So, what are we plotting?”

“How’d you know I’m plotting something?”

“I don’t know, something about your face,” Sirius said, shrugging. Then his eyes lit up. “Ooh, are we going to shrink Snivellus’ pants now?”

“No! I told you, I can’t do that. It’ll piss off Evans, and as Head Boy I can’t get caught pranking the Slytherins. Especially not after we just told Burke she has to treat everyone fairly.”

“Blech. I wish we could shrink _her_ pants,” Sirius grumbled. “But fine, no shrinking of anyone’s pants. What’s your idea?”

James ruffled the back of his hair. “I was just thinking, we haven't been in the woods yet this year. We should check it out before the first moon, don't you think?

“Whoo-hoo!” Peter yelled.

“Ah, brilliant, Prongs! Maybe you do love us, after all.”

“Oh, fuck off,” James said, laughing.

Sirius let out a loud laugh, too, and raised an eyebrow in challenge. “Whatever. Are you sure this plan of yours isn’t too risky for the Head Boy?”

“It should be,” Remus noted.

“It probably should,” James agreed. “But who knows how many more warm evenings we’ll get this year, and I could use an adventure. We just won’t stay out too late.

“Boo. Staying out all night is the most fun part!”

“It’ll still be fun,” Remus said, warming up to the idea. “We’ll go after sunset and explore for a few hours, see if there’s anything new we should be aware of before the next moon. But we’ll stay away from the Shack tonight, all right?”

“The Shack _is_ a bit of a downer,” Pete said.

“Agreed.” James clapped his hands. “So, let’s gather some provisions, and we’ll head to the Forbidden Forest separately, after sunset. We’ll meet by the Great Pine.”

“Brilliant!” Sirius crowed, throwing his arm over James’ shoulder. “Get ready for some good old-fashioned marauding, lads!”

* * *

James used his invisibility cloak to exit the castle around eight that night. Sirius had the Map, so he’d figure out which secret passages were available, and Remus had always been naturally inconspicuous, plus he was excellent at Disillusionment charms. Pete would just adopt his animagus form and scurry out of whatever exit or crevice he pleased.

Becoming animagi was, of course, how James and his friends had developed their extensive Transfiguration skills. But no one else could be let in on that secret.

The four boys met in the Forbidden Forest, at the Great Pine, as planned. Peter transformed back into a person, twitching slightly as he did so. 

“Whew,” he said, tilting his head to one side and shaking it as if he had water in his ear. He straightened and rubbed his hands together. “All right, where shall we go tonight?”

“I was thinking we could explore over by the shore of the Lake. The center of the forest is so ancient, nothing really changes. If there are going to be any new discoveries, they’ll be on the edges.”

“Right.” Remus nodded. “How about you and Wormtail head that way through the woods—” he pointed in one direction “—and Sirius and I will head this way.” He gestured over his shoulder. “When we reach the Lake, we’ll head north and you’ll head south ‘til we meet in the middle.”

“Perfect!” Sirius clapped once, loudly, and they parted ways.

“It’s good to be out again, isn’t it?” Peter asked, as he and James tromped through the forest in a north-westerly direction. “I miss this place.”

“Too right,” James agreed. “Feels like coming home.”

After walking for about twenty minutes, James and Peter reached one edge of the Forbidden Forest and began heading south. They found a Murtlap colony near the shore at the northernmost corner of the woods, where the lake curved east and marked the edge of the Hogwarts grounds. They steered clear – murtlaps weren’t aggressive towards people, naturally, but they would bite if they felt threatened. As they continued their trek back towards Remus and Sirius, James and Peter spotted a new growth of foxglove (potentially poisonous), noticed some pixies playing tag in the treetops, and heard several owls hooting in the night. 

On the whole, the forest felt much like it always did. Big, dark, and mysterious. Full of warmth, full of life, full of memories.

James breathed the forest air, savoring the freedom and the connection to Hogwarts, to his friends. He’d miss this place next year. With a bit of concentration and a wave of his wand, he transformed into his animagus form, a stag approaching maturity, his antlers longer and broader than they had been the last time they’d run through these woods. He threw his head back joyfully, then took off galloping along the shoreline.

He slowed when he scented Sirius and Remus approaching. Instinctively, he stilled, hidden among the trees. He heard a rustling over fallen leaves and broken twigs and knew Pete had transformed into a rat and was hurrying to catch up with him. He pawed the ground excitedly – he'd forgotten the rush he got from being out with his friends. 

_A lad's night._ He transformed back into himself and jogged to meet Remus and Sirius. He felt Pete scurry up the outside of his pants leg at one point, and he scooped up the rat and put him in the pocket of his shirt to secure him as he ran to join his friends. They flopped down next to the lake, laughing and talking over one another. Pete transformed back and Remus pulled a bottle of fire whiskey from his robes, and they began sharing stories of the small ways the forest had changed in the three months of summer.

And, for the first time he could ever recall, James was glad Lily Evans had turned him down tonight. 

* * *

On Saturday morning, it became clear that James should _not_ have gone “marauding” the night before the first Quidditch practice of the year. They’d stayed out later than intended, of course, and he and Sirius had wrestled in animagus form, and Remus had multiplied the bit of firewhiskey into a _lot_ of firewhiskey. They’d had a blast.

But _Merlin_ , was he feeling it now.

It didn’t help that Marlene glared at him throughout practice, either. He wondered if Lily had said something bad about him at their girls’ night. He’d ended up staying in the boys’ dorm last night, and he wondered if Lily had noticed his absence from their private floor.

He wondered whether she would’ve cared if she had.

The more James worried about Lily, the more mistakes he made during Quidditch. He went the wrong way during a basic warm-up drill, dropped the quaffle twice, and missed an easy open goal during their scrimmage. He also kept calling their new Beater, Donald Robertson, Robert, or Donaldson, or any other combination of those syllables that did not, in fact, add up to his name. He even managed to call him “Robald” once, which wasn’t a name at all. Late in the scrimmage, Robertson hit him with a bludger, and James wasn’t sure it was an accident. Even if not, he deserved it – as much for messing up the bloke’s name as for being off his game enough to get hit by a bludger in the first place.

Actually, when he thought about it, James was pretty sure that Marlene’s disgusted looks at the end of the day were more about his poor play than about anything Lily could have had said.

He was sitting in the changing room long after the rest of the team had left, trying to clear his head, when Sirius barged in.

“What’s going on with you?”

“What? Nothing.” James shook his head. “Just tired and hungover, I guess.”

“Bullshit,” Sirius scoffed. “We didn’t drink that much, and we both had a potion this morning. You shouldn’t be _that_ hungover. You got hit by a bludger, for Helga’s sake! And Robertson’s not even that good of a Beater.”

“Robertson! That’s the one.” James shook his head and offered a half-hearted, “He’s not so bad.”

“He’s not so good, either,” said Sirius. “Prongs, I haven’t seen you play this poorly since Pumpkin died.” 

It was true – Pumpkin had been the Potter family cat for seventeen good years, and her death had destroyed James for a solid week. He sighed, but Sirius just crossed his arms over his chest and looked at his friend expectantly.

And James folded like clean laundry. “Evans!” he blurted. "Remember when I borrowed that record the other night? And we just—she let me—and then again two nights ago, and—” He sighed and his hand flew to his hair, a dreamy look coming over his face. “It was brilliant.”

Sirius’ grey eyes widened in shock. "Wait, you shagged Evans?"

"Merlin, no!” James said quickly. “I think she'd hex me if I tried. We just snogged a bit.”

“Oh. Well, well done, Prongs! Guess that Fleetwood Mac record was a good call.” Sirius looked smug, even though the record hadn’t been his idea. He sat next to James on the bench and eyed him knowingly. “Was it everything you ever hoped for?”

“It was amazing. She’s amazing. I—” James hesitated. “You can’t tell anyone, right, Pads?”

“I solemnly swear.” Sirius winked.

James sighed. “I guess that’ll do.” He fidgeted, then said, “She’s perfect, honestly. She’s so fucking beautiful. And soft. And her arse…most perfect arse I’ve ever been allowed to touch, I swear.”

“She does have a cute little shape,” Sirius said nonchalantly.

Sirius wasn’t sexually attracted to anyone, and he really only appreciated well-formed bodies the way one might appreciate a nice piece of art. But James could tell he was trying to be supportive.

Besides, at this point, he’d say anything to keep James talking. _Nosy git_.

James huffed out a breath and shook his head. “Not just cute. Perfect,” he repeated. “But I’m trying to take it slow, follow her lead, even though I really want to snog her senseless and touch her as much as she’ll let me and then hold her ‘til we fall asleep.”

“ _Merlin_ , you’re cheesy. But cuddling is nice,” Sirius conceded. “So, that’s what’s got your head all messed up?”

“Yeah. Well, sort of.” James mussed his hair. “We’ve only snogged twice—or three times, I guess—but after the last time she said she needed time to think.”

“And you think she’s looking for a way to tell you she doesn’t like the snogging as much as you do?”

“No!” James rolled his eyes and gave Sirius a gentle shove. “She definitely likes it, too.” His face went warm as he remembered the way Lily had hooked her leg around his waist, the way she rubbed her hands over his chest, the little panting breaths she took when he grazed his teeth over her neck. He crossed his legs and adjusted his Quidditch robes, a smirk tugging at his lips.

“So, what’s the problem?” 

Sirius’ sharp question brought James back from his fantasy. “Hmm? Oh.” He shook his head. “After she said she needed to think, I told her I’d see her later. And she said, ‘Not if I see you first.’”

“Prongs.” Sirius snorted. “That’s a very corny joke. She didn’t mean it.”

“But what if she did!” James stood and paced the length of the changing room. “She said that to me on Thursday, and I swear to you, Pads, she’s been avoiding me ever since!”

“It's been one day, mate.”

"Two." James grumbled.

“Two,” Sirius acknowledged. “I still don’t think you need to have your pants all in a twist. I keep telling you, she looks at you like you’re her favorite dessert. But she’s always been a thinker, our Evans. I doubt she’s trying to ditch you, she’s probably just trying to slow down because she knows no matter how much she wants some sugar, too much, too fast, is a good way to give yourself a stomachache. And no one wants that.” He nodded wisely.

James lowered himself to the bench and put his elbows on his knees, then his head in his hands. “I don’t like this analogy.”

“Why not? It’s brilliant.” When James didn’t say anything, Sirius sighed. “Prongs, look,” he said, “Evans isn’t the type of girl to get off with just anyone, you know. She’s barely dated anyone since we’ve been at Hogwarts, and I’ve never heard of her fooling around with any of the blokes here, either.”

“She was dating some Muggle until recently,” James said, scowling at the reminder.

“Right, and now she isn’t, and she’s letting _you_ touch her bum.” He gave his friend a pointed look. “It’s probably a big deal to her.”

“You’re right.” James sighed. “I’m being an arsehole.”

“Nah. But…maybe be patient with her?” Sirius blinked hard and shook his head. “Wait, did I just suggest patience? I don’t even recognize myself right now. Ick.”

James laughed. “No, you’re right,” he repeated. “I have to be patient. I just feel like I was so close to perfection, it was right there in my hands—literally, in my hands—and now it’s slipping away.” He clenched his fists in front of him and then dropped them to his sides, his shoulders slumping forward.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “So dramatic. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get to put your hands on Evans’ perfect bum again very soon.”

“If I can survive that long,” James muttered.

“Ohhh, is that what this is about? You’ve got some pent-up frustration after just two days with no Evans?” Sirius cackled loudly. “C’mon, mate. You’ve been wanking to her for at least three years now. You won’t die if you have to do it again for a few more nights.”

“Arsehole.” James shoved Sirius off the changing room bench, but Sirius just laughed more.

“All right, then, Prongs, good talk,” he said, clapping James on the shoulder. “Don’t worry so much about Evans. It’ll work out. And try not to get hit with any more bludgers, all right? People will notice.”

James snorted. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” Sirius nodded pompously, then turned to leave. “You coming?”

“No, I think I’ll shower down here,” James said, sighing. “I don’t even want to take the stink of that horrendous practice upstairs with me.”

“Fair. Plus, better to wank to Lily where you can be sure she won’t hear you.” Sirius dodged as James chucked a shoe at him on his way out the door.

* * *

Lily was lying on her bed on her stomach, deep into _Anne of Green Gables_ , when she was disturbed by the chime that meant someone was seeking entrance to the Heads’ quarters. Her brow creased in a frown as she left her bedroom, wondering who her unexpected visitor might be.

"You took our advice!" Marlene cried, as soon as Lily opened the door. She bounced on her toes, causing her long blonde braid to swing back and forth behind her. “Oh, Lily! I’m so happy for you!”

Lily blinked. "Whose advice? What are you on about?"

"You snogged Jamie!" Marlene clasped her hands under her chin and widened her eyes. "More than snogged, sounds like.”

"What!?" Lily grabbed Marlene's arm and dragged the taller girl across the lounge and into her bedroom. "He told you that?"

“No, he doesn’t know I know,” Marlene said quickly, sitting down on Lily’s bed as Lily shut the door behind them. “Quidditch practice went horribly, so I went to check on him in the boys’ changing room. But then I overheard him talking to Sirius.”

“He told Sirius?” Lily yelped.

“Well, Sirius dragged it out of him—he could tell something was wrong at practice and he wasn’t buying any of Jamie’s excuses. But James made him promise not to tell.”

Lily began to pace. “Oh, my God! I knew this was a bad idea! I feel like an absolute fool. All these years he’s been trying to add me to some list of his, and now he’s finally done it, and he can’t wait to tell the world!”

“Oh, no, it’s not like that, Lils. He’d be _mortified_ that I overheard.” Marlene’s reassuring tone was belied by her mischievous grin. “I had to leave before they caught me listening in, but from what I heard, it sounds like he can’t get you out of his head!”

Now it was Lily’s turn to be mortified. “And what did you hear, exactly?”

“No details, don’t worry,” Marlene said dismissively. “He thinks you’re perfect, everything was amazing, you’ve got the best arse he’s ever seen, things like that.”

“Oh, my God! You can’t tell anyone, Marley, please. I can’t believe this!”

Marlene laughed. “Don’t be silly! I won’t tell, but you _do_ have a great bum. And if you didn’t know Jamie thought so by now, well, you haven’t been paying attention.”

“Maybe,” Lily said softly. She sat down next to Marlene then looked away, embarrassed. “He’s always had something cheeky to say, you know? But when we were kissing, the things he said, the way he touched me…he seemed so sincere.” Her cheeks went pink, and she covered her face with both hands.

“Well, yeah,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes. “I told you, he really likes you. Has for ages.”

Lily shook her head, her face still in her hands. “Doesn’t matter. I’m not going to fool around with him anymore.”

“Why not? Was it so terrible?”

“No, nothing like that! After everything with You-Know-Who, I'm just not ready to be…intimate with someone new. Just because I’m feeling lonely and he likes my arse and kisses like his lips were made for that one purpose doesn’t mean I should play this game, fall into some pattern, pursue this falsehood, with him.”

Marlene frowned. “You did tell him, right? That you just need a distraction with a nice boy?”

“Yes! But...” Lily squirmed and sat up straight. “It was really nice, Marls. I could get used to something like that.”

“Well, would that be such a bad thing? Sounds like he could get used to it, too.” Comprehension dawned over Marlene’s face. “Wait, is _that_ why you skipped breakfast on Thursday? Because you were up all night snogging Jamie?”

“No! Well, sort of.” Lily blushed some more. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m still trying to figure it out myself.”

“Figure out what?”

“I don't know,” Lily muttered. “Lately I just feel _lost_. I don’t know if I can trust my own judgment.”

She hated dwelling on the traumas of her past, but something about Marlene’s inquiries made her want to explain why she would agree to this stupid idea in the first place. She took a deep breath.

“Honestly, the past few years have been tough. My mum’s been gone, and you never get used to that, you know? Every time something happens, I get high marks or get chucked by a stupid _boy_ —” Lily’s voice caught, and she exhaled loudly “—I want to tell her first, and I can’t. And then my sister, she’s hated me for so long that my da’s really been my only family for years. And now I’ve lost him, too.” Lily wrapped her arms around her stomach and rocked forward, hiding her face between her knees now.

“It is a lot,” Marlene said, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. She reached out and awkwardly patted Lily’s back.

Without lifting her head from her lap, Lily said softly, “Add Anthony to that list, and I’m starting to feel like…maybe it’s just better to be alone. Not to mention Severus.”

“What about him?” Marlene asked, and Lily did not miss the shift in her friend’s tone of voice.

“I don’t know, he was my friend not that long ago. My best friend, I thought,” she mumbled. “And I’ve lost him, too. Everyone I get close to leaves me.” She hated that wobble in her voice, hated that Severus’ betrayal still hurt, hated that she’d even mentioned a snake like him in the same category as her beloved parents. 

But she had thought he was her family once, too.

Marlene grasped Lily’s shoulders and pulled her upright. “Snape’s an insecure, bigoted, complete and total tosser, and there’s nothing you could’ve done to make him a better person. He never deserved your friendship to begin with. I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. Your _real_ friends, you’ll never lose them. Me, Dorcas, Mary—even Evelyn, Godric bless her—we’re not going anywhere.”

“I know,” Lily said, without conviction. She blinked against the pressure growing behind her eyes.

“I’m serious, Lil,” Marlene said with a sigh. She patted Lily’s back again and added, “And Jamie would be a part of that, too, if you’d let him.”

“I don’t know,” Lily said, for what felt like the millionth time. She bit her lip, her brow furrowed in concern. “I do think we make a good team as Head Boy and Head Girl. But maybe we should just leave it at that.”

“You could, or you could also enjoy his company and his friendship, even outside of your Head’s duties. He’d be chuffed for you to call him a friend.” She nudged Lily and grinned. “Even without the sexy bits.”

Lily let out a choked laugh and swiped at her eyes with one hand. “Don’t tell, but I think I like the sexy bits.”

Marlene laughed, too. “‘Atta girl.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m going to keep snogging him!”

“Well, it sounds as if you want to. But either way,” Marlene said firmly, “I promise, if you want his friendship, it’s yours, no strings attached. He’s not like that.”

Looking at her friend’s sincere expression, Lily nodded and tried to smile. 

She only wished she felt as sure as Marlene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're still enjoying this as much as I am! Let me know what you think :-)


	14. In which Lily and James reach a new agreement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love to my betas, LittleJeannieBean and Midnightelite, as always <3

On Sunday morning, James rose with the sun and went for a run to clear his head. Still embarrassed about his horrible performance at Quidditch, he figured some solid athletic exercise would do him some good. Plus, it was an easy way to kill some time before Lily woke up.

He was anxious to speak with her, but, unlike James, Lily was absolutely not a morning person. If she made it to breakfast at all, she was usually bleary-eyed and a bit grumpy until she had some strongly-brewed tea and perhaps some toast. More than once, James had been on the receiving end of her wickedly sharp tongue for such heinous crimes as laughing too loudly or asking questions before she’d had her first cup.

Now that he knew she didn’t actually hate him, he found it quite endearing.

Nonetheless, regardless of the time of day, right now he was trying to give her space, to be patient like Sirius – _Sirius, of all people!_ – had suggested. But it wasn’t easy. It didn’t make any sense that just when they were starting to get comfortable with one another, just when it was becoming clear that they were great together in more ways than one, Lily would try to slow things down. He’d been waiting for years to kiss her, and it had been even better than he could’ve imagined. The last thing he wanted to do was slow down now.

James’ run took him all over Hogwarts grounds – to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, back past the hut where the groundskeeper, Hagrid, lived, around the castle, through the Quidditch pitch, behind the greenhouses, and down to the shore of the lake. It was a cool, dewy morning, and the barely-risen sun made everything look even more magical than usual. He loved being out while the rest of the world was still waking up.

He returned to the castle tired but invigorated, his legs aching in a good way, and climbed the stairs to the Heads’ dormitories. He entered their common room just as Lily was exiting her bedroom, her hair in plaits and a book tucked under one arm.

She looked shocked to see him, her forehead crinkling in confusion as he approached, but even her wary expression couldn’t prevent James from lighting up at the sight of her. He came to a stop right in front of her and grinned. “All right, Evans?”

She stepped backwards so quickly she nearly stumbled, and only then did it occur to James that he was dripping with sweat and possibly smelly. He self-consciously ruffled his hair. The bits that weren’t plastered to his forehead and neck were still damp and felt wilder than usual. He cringed.

In contrast to the messy figure he presented, Lily looked beautiful. As always. She hadn’t dressed for the day yet and was wearing loose fitting pajama bottoms and a plain white t-shirt that highlighted every curve. Her creamy white skin was bare, but the pale red shine on her lips let him know that if he were to kiss her right now, she’d taste like cherry fizzy drink. He bit his own lip in anticipation.

“Potter,” she said, sticking her chin in the air. Her red lips protruded in the slightest pout. “If you haven’t already, I would appreciate your not telling anyone else about our…activities from the other night.”

“What? Of course,” he said quickly, his eyes jumping from her mouth to meet her fierce gaze. Then he frowned. “Wait, ‘anyone _else’_? How’d you know I told Sirius?”

“Marlene overheard you in the changing room.”

James covered his face with one hand and groaned. “Merlin, that’s embarrassing.”

“I completely agree,” she said coolly, and James had the _tiniest_ inkling that he’d just been insulted. “So, you can’t tell anyone else,” Lily continued. “And, anyroad, we probably shouldn’t do it again. I’ve thought about it, and I’m quite sure I’m over Anthony.”

“Is that his name? And what are you talking about? Is this because Marlene found out?” His tone turned softer, more fervent, with a note of apology. “I’m truly sorry about that, but she won’t tell anyone, I know she won’t. You needn’t suppress your desires on her account, all right?” He grinned what he thought was a charming grin.

Lily did not seem to agree. “It’s not on her account! And it’s not about _suppressing my desires_ —you offered to distract me from Anthony, and I’m telling you I’m no longer concerned about him. So, what are we doing?”

James waggled his eyebrows and moved closer to where she stood. “Having fun, remember?”

“Right.” Her tone was flat, and when she looked him up and down, he didn’t see the hunger he hoped for in her eyes. “Fun. It’s just something casual.”

There was something in Lily’s expression that James couldn’t quite read, but it made him feel like he was failing a test. He backtracked, hoping to recover. “Well, I wouldn’t say _casual_ ,” he began, running his hand through his hair again. “But if we’re enjoying ourselves, why should we need to stop? You’re overthinking it.”

Her expression changed instantly, her eyebrows rising in anger, and James no longer wondered whether he was failing a test – he was certain. Lily backed away from him, her hands raised and palms out in an almost defensive gesture. “Overthinking it? Wow.” She flung her arms out dramatically, her voice rising as she snarled at him: “ _Forgive me_ for trying to think rationally about this stupid thing I’ve agreed to do! Forgive me for wondering what happens when it ends, and we’ve still got to share this stupid dormitory! Forgive me—” 

“Bollocks. Evans, that’s not—” James reached for one of her hands, but she snatched it away.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’m _overthinking it_. Ugh!” Lily crossed her arms and turned on her heel. “Just forget it, Potter. I’ll see you later.” She swept out of their shared common room, slamming the door behind her and leaving a very bewildered Head Boy in her wake.

* * *

“Marley, you busy?” James asked, tapping his wand on the library table where Marlene and Dorcas were seated. Marlene was writing notes out of her Potions book, and Dorcas was tracing her finger along a page and muttering to herself. She looked up from her work and scowled at James.

“Stop tapping. I’m working on a mnemonic for my Ancient Runes quiz, and you’re messing up my rhythm.”

“Sorry.” He tucked his wand under his arm and tried not to jiggle his leg. “Marley?”

Marlene looked up from her notes. “What’s wrong, Jamie?”

“Nothing. Can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure.” Marlene glanced at Dorcas, who was still glaring at James. “I’ll be right back, Dor, all right?”

“Brilliant. Don’t bring him with you.”

She flashed Dorcas a grin and ushered James away from their table.

“Sorry,” she said, guiding him into one of the small rooms meant for group revision sessions, “It’s her first Runes quiz of the term, and she’s acting like it’s her Auror entrance exam.”

“It’s all right.” He strode to one side of the study room and leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest. “I know how she is about her studies, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Marlene raised her eyebrows and smirked. “Didn’t you?”

James laughed and dipped his chin in acknowledgement. “Right, well I meant to interrupt _you_. Meadowes’ wrath is something else altogether.”

“Too right.” She looked at him expectantly, so James took a deep breath and jumped right in.

“Did Evans say anything about me the other night?”

His friend’s open expression instantly became more guarded. “Like what?”

“Argh.” He pushed away from the wall and mussed the back of his hair. “Look, I know you heard me telling Sirius about me and Evans, and I know you told her. It’s fine,” he added quickly, as Marlene looked down guiltily. “But...was she very upset?”

“That you told Sirius? Maybe a little, at first,” Marlene said, tilting her head to one side as she considered the question. “She was embarrassed. But that’s not her biggest concern.”

“Then what is?”

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “I’m not sure I should say.”

James widened his eyes and poked out his lower lip. “Please, Marley? We had a bit of a row, and she won’t talk to me.” He imagined he sounded pitiful, and his neck and cheeks heated up as he spoke. He looked away, finding it easier to lay himself bare if he didn’t have to look Marlene in the eye. “I thought things were good between us. More than good. I don’t know what happened.”

“You had a row?” Marlene sounded surprised. She walked over and put a comforting hand on James’ shoulder. “I’m sorry, love. She’s dealing with a lot right now. I don’t think it’s really about you.”

“Is it still about Anthony?” James said his name like it tasted foul. “She said she was over him, but I’m not so sure.”

“She might be.” Marlene shrugged. “But it’s not quite about him, either, is it? He’s only one of the reasons she has a hard time trusting people.” She shook her head and added, “If you want to know what’s going on, you should just talk to her, Jamie. Really talk to her. She’d appreciate that.”

“She didn’t appreciate it an hour ago.”

Marlene gave him a knowing look, very similar to the one her mother used to give the both of them when they were eight years old and doing something like throwing a quaffle in the house.

“What?” James snapped. His voice came out higher-pitched than he intended.

“Were you trying to really talk to her, or were you taking the piss?”

“I wasn’t taking the piss, I was trying to ask her what was wrong, and—well, I may have teased her a little, but no more than usual! That’s how Evans and I always are with each other, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Marlene rolled her eyes and laughed. “But maybe she needs to know you’re taking her seriously for once.”

He folded his arms again and frowned. “I always take her seriously.” But even as he said it, he heard the echo of Lily’s cold voice in his head muttering, _Right. It’s just something casual._ He glanced up at Marlene with guilt in his eyes. “Even when it doesn’t seem like I am.”

“Well, tell her that. She might need to hear it.” Marlene patted his shoulder again. “I’ve said enough, I think.”

“Then how come I’m just as confused as I was ten minutes ago?”

Marlene let out a cackle as she stepped away from him. “Hmm. Maybe your head would be clearer if you hadn’t gotten hit by that bludger yesterday. Just something to consider.”

James gasped indignantly and clutched his chest with both hands. “You wound me, Marley.”

“No, that was Robertson.” She opened the door to the study room, throwing a wink at him over her shoulder as she returned to her table with Dorcas.

He glared after her for a beat, then walked out of the library muttering to himself, “I need more sympathetic friends.”

* * *

Although his friends were unquestionably too cheeky by half, as the day went on, James realized their advice was sound. He needed to talk to Lily, openly and without jokes. She needed to know he was serious about her, that she was so much more than a distraction to him. And then he’d follow her lead from there.

Now he just needed to find her.

His fruitless efforts made him wonder whether she had an invisibility cloak of her own. She didn’t seem to be anywhere in Gryffindor Tower – not in the Common Room, not in the girls’ dorms, and not in the shared Heads’ space – and if she was in her own room, she was deliberately ignoring his knocking. He also didn’t find her in the library, he couldn’t seem to catch her in the Great Hall for meals, and he found no trace of her by the greenhouses or studying by the lake. She’d disappeared.

She reappeared the next morning at breakfast, but, despite several attempts, James didn’t get to speak to her until the end of the day, when he went to the prefects’ office to wait for her before rounds.

She strolled into the office just before nine. Her eyebrows flew up her forehead at the sight of James sitting on a desk, playing with his Snitch. “Potter,” she said tersely, “what are you doing here?”

“Switched shifts with Bones for rounds tonight.” He tucked the Snitch in his pocket and gave his hair a good rub. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed. She motioned for him to exit the prefects’ office, then she shut the door behind them and turned to him with a dubious frown. “You live barely twenty feet away from me. You could talk to me any time.”

“Not any time.” James tried not to sound like he was sulking. “You weren’t in your room most of yesterday, and I didn’t see you this morning before class, either. And you didn’t walk with me to Potions.”

He winced. Okay. He was definitely sulking.

She huffed out a short laugh. “I didn’t realize we had to walk together every day.”

“We don’t, but I just figured—since we’re going to the same place—and we’re friends, aren’t we?”

She turned left out of the office and began walking down the long corridor, and James followed. Without turning to look at him, she asked, “Is that what we are?”

James froze in surprise for half a second before he resumed his stride next to her. “Of course! Why wouldn’t we be?”

“I don’t know.” Lily shrugged and glanced at him over her shoulder. “We weren’t really friends last term, were we? We’ve never spent time together without everyone else.”

“Well, no, but that doesn’t mean we weren’t friends,” he countered. “We all hung out together, didn't we, and I got you a birthday gift. And I helped you revise Transfig after you caught that stomach bug!” He couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice. “I consider you a friend now, and I considered you a friend last year, Evans. I guess the feeling’s not mutual.”

Lily puffed out her cheeks and exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—I consider you a friend now, too, I guess. But will you at least admit we’ve never been close before this year?”

“Hmm.” James twitched his nose and adjusted his glasses. After years of watching her every move, trying to figure out how to impress her, he’d certainly felt close to Lily for a while now. But she was right – before they’d become Co-Heads, they didn’t have inside jokes, they hadn’t shared secrets, and they’d never so much as had a meal together without the rest of their friends acting as buffers. “I suppose that’s fair.”

“And,” she went on, “we only became close because we started snogging.”

James was shaking his head before she finished her sentence. “No, not only that. You’ve said it yourself, we’re Head Boy and Head Girl. We’re a team.”

“So we’re friends because we work together?”

He threw up his hands. “No, we’re friends because we’re _friends_ , Evans. Because we get on well. Because you’re clever and funny and I like spending time with you. That’s what friendship is!”

Lily sighed and shook her head, a rueful smile on her face. After a moment she said, “I...like spending time with you, too, Potter.”

One side of James’ mouth curved in a grin. “I know.”

“Big head!”

“Ah, you like it,” he said, glad to hear the playfulness behind her quick retort. Teasing each other was still where they were most comfortable. Without realizing it, he drifted towards her. Their hands brushed as they walked, and he felt a spark at her touch.

She may have rolled her eyes. “I don’t know if I’d go that far.”

That’s what she _said_ , but the quirk of her lips told another story. Plus, she’d already acknowledged she liked spending time with him, and James wasn’t going to let her take it back so easily. He raised his eyebrows and stepped closer still, nudging her towards one side of the corridor. She let him guide her, looking puzzled at first, but her eyes widened in anticipation when her back hit the corridor wall. He leaned in so his lips were next to her ear. “Admit it,” he whispered. “You like me, big head and all.”

Her lips parted, and that was all it took. With a chuckle of satisfaction, James covered her mouth with his.

She let out a soft sigh and returned the kiss. Her hands clutched his robes and his cupped her face, stroking her cheeks and threading through the hair at the nape of her neck.

But after a moment, she broke their connection with a gasp. Her pupils were so huge he could barely see the vivid green of her irises. “Wait, Potter, I need to think.”

James closed his eyes and breathed in deeply and released it slowly, trying to find focus.

“That’s what you said on Thursday,” he said, one hand braced against the wall and the other still in her hair. He leaned forward so his lips brushed her hairline. “And yesterday.”

She pulled back as much as the wall would let her. “Well, it’s still true!”

“All right.” He pushed off the wall and stepped away from her, running a hand through his own hair. “So, what is it? What do you need to think about?”

Lily bit her lip. “Well, like you said. We’re friends now.”

He tried not to sound impatient. “Yes, we’ve established that.”

“So, what if I don’t want anything to mess that up?”

“It won’t.” He stepped close again and let one hand slip through her hair to caress her neck. “We won’t let it.”

She shivered at his touch, and her voice came out breathy. “You can’t know that.”

James dipped his head, inhaling her scent, letting her feel the whisper of his breath against her ear, enjoying the sweep of her eyelashes against his cheek. “What could mess this up? We’re perfect together.” Lily stiffened, and James straightened to see her face. “We make a great team, remember? You’re the sensible one, and I push the boundaries.”

Her body relaxed slightly, but her eyes looked worried. “But what if we stop snogging? Would we still be a great team, then?”

James’ heart dropped to his stomach. _Sure,_ w _e would, but we should definitely keep snogging. Lots of snogging_. _Snogging every day._ Out loud, he said: “Even if you never want to kiss me again, Evans, we’re still partners. I’ll still be professional. Or at least, as professional as I’ve ever been.” He tried to smirk. “On Godric’s honor.”

Lily ignored his cheeky promise. “All right, but what if _you_ stopped wanting to snog _me_?”

A loud laugh burst from James’ lips, stopping abruptly when he caught Lily’s frown. “You’re serious? Why would I stop wanting to snog you?”

She folded her arms over her chest. “It could happen.”

 _No, it couldn’t_.

“I doubt it,” he said, but his forehead crinkled as he realized what she was driving at. “Wait, do you think I wouldn't be friends with you if we stopped snogging? Do you think that’s the only reason I like spending time with you?”

He couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice. Of course, they had become closer since they’d started fooling around – which had been entirely her choice to make, mind you – but she couldn’t possibly think that was all he wanted from her. Kissing her was a dream come true, but that dream was built not only on her beauty, but on her strength, her quick tongue, her competitive streak. The way she was kind to Remus from day one, when others had worried his “illness” might be contagious, and the way she made a new pennant for every Gryffindor Quidditch match, and the way she always bought two baskets of chips at the Three Broomsticks so she could share with friends and still have a large portion for herself. How loyal she was, how loudly she laughed, how firmly she held her convictions.

There were a million reasons James Potter wanted to be close to Lily Evans, and snogging her might not even make the top ten. But Marlene’s words from yesterday came back to him: _She has a hard time trusting people_. He took a deep breath, willing himself to be patient.

Lily was shaking her head. “I don’t think that, I just—I don’t know what to think, Potter. There’s a lot going on in my head right now, and I just need—”

“Time to think,” he finished. He closed his eyes and breathed out a quiet sigh. “I know.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“I know,” he repeated. He shook his head and gave her a half-smile. “Look, I’m not trying to pressure you into anything at all, and I’m sorry if it seems like I’m not taking this—taking you—seriously. I am. You should take all the thinking time you need. I promise, it won’t change how I feel about you.”

Her eyes widened and she blinked, and James quickly added, “About our friendship.”

“Oh. Okay.” Lily’s surprised expression faded, and she nodded. “Thanks, Potter.”

“You’re welcome.” He nudged her gently with his elbow. “And if you ever want to talk about whatever’s going on in that head of yours, I’m here.”

She nodded again and gave him a cautious smile. James hoped she’d start spilling her guts right then, but she did not. Instead, she remained silent as they resumed their rounds, winding their way through the castle towards the kitchens and the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room, then through the Great Hall to end up at the staircase to the dungeons. James prattled on about Transfiguration, Quidditch, and, finally, Marlene’s upcoming eighteenth birthday at the end of the month before Lily started to participate equally in the conversation. Internally, James sighed with relief.

Yet, as if compelled by Dark forces, after they’d established a rhythm and were chatting comfortably, James decided to broach the topic of their relationship once again.

“Look, Evans, I never want you to think our friendship depends on you kissing me, you know?” he blurted out. “I mean, obviously I planned to distract you from that idiot you dated during the summer, and I had a particular idea of what that looked like. And I think you did, too," he added pointedly, in response to Lily’s raised eyebrows. “But it doesn't have to be like that. I think we can spend time together, as friends, and if there are other things on your mind besides your ex, we can talk about them, or I can distract you from those, too! Without snogging! Whatever you’d like. Honestly.” He punctuated his rant with a tug on his hair, a hopeful look in his eyes.

Evans looked skeptical. “Without snogging?”

“I mean, yeah. Can’t pretend I won’t miss it, of course, but like I said, that’s not the only reason I enjoy your company.”

“Hmm. Okay,” she said slowly, then she repeated it more confidently. “Okay. So, then, let’s spend time together, as friends, without snogging. Is that all right?”

There was a challenge in her voice, like she didn’t believe he could do it. He shook his head and smiled to cover his frustration – and his still-hurt feelings. “Of course it’s all right, Evans.”

“Brill.” She smiled back, and he almost thought she meant it.

“Indeed.” An idea came to him, and he perked up, snapping his fingers and spinning around so he was walking backwards, facing her. “In fact, for our first non-snogging, non-work adventure, how about I take you out on my broom? Being in the air always helps me clear my head.”

(Look – even if he was fine with not snogging her, it didn’t mean he didn’t want her as physically close as possible. So sue him.)

“Oh, I don’t think so.” Lily looked slightly alarmed. “I haven’t flown since first year. I can clear my head with my feet on the ground, thank you.”

“Ah, come on, Evans. I’ll steer, so all you’ll have to do is hold on tight and enjoy the wind on your face. Think of whatever you want, or don’t think at all. Just let go a little.”

“Thirty feet in the air, ‘ _letting go’_ sounds like a terrible idea.”

“I don’t mean it _literally_ , Evans, geez.” James rolled his eyes at her snarky tone. “I’m just saying, relax.”

She put a fist against her hip. “And how, exactly, do you expect me to do that whilst on a broom?”

James raised his eyebrows and flashed her the smallest smirk. “Ohh, you’re afraid! I didn’t realize you were _afraid_ , I’m sorry. Let’s forget about it.”

Lily hmphed. “I’m not _afraid_ , I just don’t like flying.”

“Right,” he said, nodding in understanding, “because you’re afraid of it.”

“I’m not! Humans are just meant to stay on the ground, is all!”

James’ laugh echoed through the corridor. “Evans, do you trust me?”

She eyed him for a moment, and he realized he may have set himself up for more hurt feelings. He held his breath.

But Lily just shook her head. “I do, Merlin help me,” she muttered, almost to herself. “When did that happen?”

“Brilliant.” James exhaled, relieved, and beamed at her. “If we hurry up and finish rounds, we can go out for a bit tonight. It’ll be fun! I promise, you’ll love it.”

She hesitated, her eyes searching his for the barest second before her expression relaxed and she nodded firmly. “All right. Let’s do it.”

“Whoo-hoo!”

Half an hour later, James and Lily exited the castle and walked towards the Quidditch pitch. She chewed on her lower lip as he removed his broom from the shed, eyeing it like she expected it to grow fangs and bite her at any moment. James tried not to smile.

Once they reached the field, James held the broom out at waist height and began giving instructions. “Listen, we won’t go too high at first, just so you can get the feel of it, all right? You’ll just sit right behind me and hold on, and I’ll take us in a circle around the pitch.”

“A slow circle,” Lily emphasized.

He couldn’t hide his smile any longer. “Absolutely, Evans. You ready?” He straddled the broom with both of his feet still on the ground, then motioned for her to climb on behind him. She did so reluctantly, placing her hands gingerly on his waist once she was in position.

“Perfect,” he said. “You can hold on as tight as you need to, or wrap your arms around my waist if you want, whatever feels comfortable. If you don’t want to be right against me, just be sure to follow my body as a guide, let your shoulders flow in the same direction as mine. As long as you do that, you’ll be fine.”

“All right.” She nodded, and her grip on his waist tightened a little. “I’m ready. Just go slow.”

“All right, Evans,” James said. “Here we go.”

He kicked off the ground with less force than usual, just enough to get them about ten feet into the air. Lily gasped as they rose and slid her arms all the way around his waist, her body tense against his. He chuckled and leaned forward just a bit, picking up a little speed as they moved towards the goal posts.

“All right, Evans?” he called over his shoulder.

“Mmhmm!” she said, her voice thinner than normal. “I’m okay!”

“You’re doing great! Just keep holding on.”

He felt her cheek against his back when she nodded, and he smiled.

They reached the goal posts at one end of the pitch, and James guided them easily around them. But once they came back in front of the hoops, with the full length of the field in front of them, he forgot his pledge to go slowly. Instinct and adrenaline kicked in, and he leaned lower over his broom, urging it forward. The wind whipped against his face, carrying the scents of the forest, and he let out a whoop of joy.

The unexpected sound startled Lily, and she let out a little “Eep!”

Conscious of Lily’s nerves, James sat up a bit straighter to slow their forward motion and glanced over his shoulder, still grinning. “How’re you doing back there?”

To his surprise, she was grinning, too. “This is amazing!” she shouted over the wind. “Can we do that again?”

“Oh, absolutely.” He eased them into a turn so they were pointed back the way they came, climbing a little higher as he did so, and asked, “Ready?”

“Ready!” Lily crowed.

With Lily’s permission and her face pressed against his robes, James bent over his broom and took off like a rocket. They sped back and forth the length of the field several more times, laughing and cheering. When James tired of that, he flew them over to Hagrid’s hut to circle the groundskeeper’s overgrown pumpkin patch. He offered to take her out over the Black Lake, but her cry of “Don’t you _dare_!” nixed that plan immediately. Instead, James made a lazy circle from Hagrid’s hut around the back of the castle, then returned to the Quidditch shed.

They glided to the grass for a gentle landing. Lily didn’t release her hold on him until they were firmly back on the ground, and even then, James didn’t think he imagined her reluctance to pull away. He turned to look at her, taking in her bright eyes, ruddy cheeks, and windswept hair, along with the most... _unburdened_ expression he’d seen on her face since they’d been back at school.

He beamed. _I did that_.

As if she heard his thoughts, she tilted her head in a conciliatory sort of way. “Thanks, Potter,” she said, as he locked his broom back in the shed, “You were right. That was just what I needed.”

“Well, I was glad to do it, Evans.” James ruffled his own windswept hair and gave her a pointed look. “What are friends for?”

She snorted, but the look of delight on her face only grew. “You’re right,” she said. “We _are_ friends. I’m sorry I said we weren’t, or we couldn’t be, or wouldn’t, or whatever rubbish it was I said.” She stepped forward and slowly, cautiously, she slid her arms around his waist in a hug. She said it again, as if sealing a deal. “We are friends.”

“Of course we are, Evans.” James’ arms encircled her smaller body, and he inhaled the sweet smell of her hair mixed with the familiar odors of the outdoors. “I hope you never doubt it again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The kids are all right :) Let's enjoy it for a bit.


	15. In which Lily and James are just friends, she swears it

They’d been doing this “friendship” thing for almost two weeks, and Lily had to admit that Marlene was right. Potter was a really good friend. He’d taken her flying three more times since that first night, and he hadn’t brought up snogging at all. He still brought her apples when she missed breakfast, and he was helping her and Dorcas with Transfig, since they were still struggling with animal transformation. Some nights she and the girls would join him and the Marauders for a few rounds of Exploding Snap in the Common Room, and she and Dorcas had started regularly attending Quidditch practices to support Marlene _and_ James.

“You lot looked great today,” Lily said after one such practice, as she and Dorcas walked with Marlene, Sirius, and James back to Gryffindor Tower. “The team’s really coming together.”

“And the new play you’ve developed is brilliant, Marley,” Dorcas added eagerly. “What do you call it?”

“Black Star!” Sirius crowed, and James burst out laughing.

“No!” Marlene snapped, in a tone usually reserved for naughty puppies. “We’re not naming it after you, I told you that. You’re not even a part of it.”

“I don’t see why that matters,” Sirius grumbled. Marlene rolled her eyes.

“It’s called the Golden Arrow,” James said, ignoring Sirius’ whining. “Because of the way we form up, with the three Chasers in a triangle up front, flanked by the Beaters. Makes it easy to pass the quaffle between us, and then whoever has the open shot can take it.”

“‘Whoever has the open shot,’” Lily echoed, giggling. “Funny how that happened to be you every time.”

James grinned and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Not every time, Evans. Marlene scored, too.”

“And it was a beautiful shot,” Dorcas chimed in, linking her arm through Marlene’s and giving her friend a squeeze.

Marlene beamed. “Thanks, Dor.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Lily said. She nudged Marlene and grinned. “Good job, Marls. Someone’s got to remind this one he’s not the only Chaser on the field.”

“I don’t need reminding, I know Marley is brilliant! And Prakash is solid, too.”

Lily pressed her lips together to hide her smile. “You had the quaffle so much, I completely forgot Prakash was on the team.”

James gasped. “I am not a quaffle-hog!”

Sirius snorted. “Lies are unbecoming of a gentleman, Prongs.”

“I’m not lying, and I am a gentleman.” James slung an arm around Lily’s shoulders and leaned in close. In a carrying whisper he said, “He’s only saying that because he’s still angry we didn’t name the play after him.”

“I’m just saying, it could be a star instead of an arrow,” Sirius declared. “Five players—five points makes a star. It makes sense!”

“He’s got a point,” Lily said. She shrugged out from under James’ shoulder and shuffled a few steps away from him. “You’re all sweaty,” she said, pulling a face.

“You like it,” he shot back, grinning.

Lily hmphed and turned away from him, skipping a few steps ahead and moving around to occupy the space on Dorcas’ left. She linked her arm through the shorter girl’s, then peeked over her shoulder to stick her tongue out at James. He winked.

Marlene was still dealing with Sirius. “You make up a play, and you can name it whatever you want, Black.”

Sirius perked up. “You solemnly swear?”

“Yep.” She grinned. “Can’t promise we’ll run it, but you can call it whatever you’d like.”

Everyone but Sirius burst into laughter, and the group continued to banter the rest of the way back to the dormitories.

So, yes. It was easy being friends with James.

There was only one little problem, and it was really quite small. Although she made it a point to do things like shove James away when he was sweating on her or to tease him about his big head, she couldn’t pretend she didn’t like the way he looked right after Quidditch, his bronze skin glowing and his damp t-shirt clinging to his chest. And then there were the times when he was dressed in school robes and not the least bit sweaty, but she’d see him playing with the Snitch and she’d think about how those strong fingers felt gripping her hip, and then she’d be blushing. Or he’d come up behind her at breakfast and rest a hand on her shoulder in greeting, and she could barely suppress a shiver at the casual touch.

Just minor inconveniences, really. But now that they were friends, real friends, not losing that relationship was more important than any physical attraction she felt.

She kept reminding herself of that fact when she and James were doing rounds one Tuesday evening. She had scheduled them for rounds in a fit of madness, when she’d been feeling good about their new equilibrium and confident that she could walk down dark corridors with him without snogging him (even though she’d never managed it to date).

They were nearing the end of their tour, with only the dungeons left unchecked. James led the way down the spiraling stone staircase that led to the Potions classroom, Slughorn’s office, and the Slytherin dormitories. Lily followed him, her eyes glued to his broad shoulders and her lips twitching with a smile as he took the stairs two at a time and then stopped at the bottom, sweeping his arms as if welcoming her into the dark space. She hopped off the bottom step to join him, and, after giving his hair a quick rub, he shoved his hands in his pockets and began a lazy stroll down the corridor.

They chatted about the next day’s Potions practical, and James shared stories about an ongoing prank war between Peter and Sirius. He sounded wistful.

Lily nudged him with her elbow. “You miss living with them, don’t you?”

“Sometimes.” He grinned fondly. “Sirius and I used to stay up all night making elaborate plans for mischief. Only about a quarter of those ever saw the light of day, but that didn’t matter. The fun was in the plotting, you know?”

“You could still plot with them, couldn’t you?”

“Nah. If we planned something grand and they pulled it off, even without my help, I wouldn’t be able to hide how excited I was. And then you’d be upset with me for not taking my Head Boy duties seriously or some such.” He shrugged and shook his head, still with that fond smile on his face. “Sadly, it’s not worth it.”

Lily’s face felt warm. “Well, I think you’ve taken your duties very seriously so far,” she assured him.

James’ smile widened, one corner of his mouth hitching higher than the other. “Thanks, Evans. It’s not always easy. I mean, look at what I’ve given up!” He launched into another tale about Peter’s latest prank against Sirius, involving a Frost Salamander and the boys’ toilet.

The story was funny, but Lily wasn’t paying close attention. She watched James’ facial expressions, hand gestures – every movement, really – out of the corner of her eyes as they walked. He was still in his school uniform, minus his robes, but his tie was loose and his shirt sleeves were rolled up. And there was something captivating about the way he moved, both precise and casual at the same time. He had the same cocksure swagger she’d first noticed in fifth year, but now she realized she _enjoyed_ watching him strut down the corridor like he owned the place. He looked…like a _man_.

 _Oh, dear._ These were not appropriate, _friendly_ thoughts. She shook her head to get rid of them.

James seemed to feel her eyes on him. He trailed off in his story and cocked his head questioningly in Lily’s direction. But before he could ask her anything, there was a loud bang ahead of them in the corridor. Lily jumped, and she and James simultaneously drew their wands. James raised his eyebrows and tilted his head the direction of the sound.

“Let’s investigate,” he mouthed.

“What?” Lily whispered back. She couldn’t read lips.

“This way,” James hissed, nodding again towards the end of the corridor. Lily’s eyes widened in comprehension, and she nodded back. In unison, they prowled forward – lions on the hunt.

Braced for action, the two Gryffindors slowly made their way down the dim hallway. James pushed gently on each door they passed, but none budged. They approached the end of the corridor and turned a corner, and found themselves in a tiny nook with a single door labeled “Supply.” Lily reached out a hand to try the knob, but before she could turn it, they heard a scuffling sound, followed by a quiet moan.

Lily’s eyebrows shot up. With their unsuspecting prey cornered, James pointed his wand at the cupboard door and flicked his wrist. “What have we here,” he murmured.

The door flew open with a crash, and Lily and James were greeted with the sight of a pair of slim legs hooked around the waist of a boy with his trousers around his ankles, his pasty white bum exposed to the world. The girl shrieked as the door banged open, and the boy whipped his head around to stare at the interlopers.

“Evening, Rookwood, Arnold,” James said casually.

“For Merlin’s sake, cover yourselves!” Lily demanded, as Peggy Arnold scrambled to unwrap her legs from around Augustus Rookwood’s body. “That’s fifteen points from Slytherin, and another fifteen from Ravenclaw.”

“Fifteen!?” Peggy squawked, scrambling up from the stack of boxes she’d been perched upon and smoothing her skirt. “Narcissa and Aloysius only ever took five points for snogging in a broom cupboard!”

“That looked like a bit more than snogging, no?” James said, raising his eyebrows. “In any event, Ms. Black and Mr. Abbot aren’t here. We’re Head Boy and Girl now, and we say fifteen.”

Peggy sniffed indignantly, and Augustus grunted in disgust. “Come on, Peggy,” he said roughly, buckling his trousers. “This blood traitor and his mudblood bint are probably just jealous—oi!” He yelled in alarm, clutching his eyes.

Rookwood’s casual use of the slur hit Lily like a slap in the face, so a moment passed before she realized anything else was wrong. But Peggy gasped in horror, and then both girls looked from Augustus to James. Augustus removed his hand from his face and tried to glare at the Head students, and Lily could see that his eyes were aggressively pink and beginning to crust over.

“Ow!” he yelled, blinking hard. “What’d you do to me?”

“Is that a conjunctivitis curse?” Peggy shrieked. “You can’t curse students! Look at him! He’ll have to go to the infirmary!”

Lily inhaled sharply and turned her glare on James, who raised his hands innocently, his mouth open in exaggerated shock. “Why, I’m just as surprised as you are!” he declared. “Rookwood, do you need help making your way to the Hospital Wing?”

“Don’t you touch me,” Rookwood growled. “I’m going back to my dorm. I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll help you,” Peggy said, glaring at James.

“Lovely.” James smiled icily. “So if you’re going to get him sorted—and then head _directly_ to Ravenclaw tower, I’m sure—I suppose there’s no need for anyone to mention any of this to the professors. I know I’d certainly hate to have to tell the heads of your Houses about the compromising position we just found you in, or any horrible things that may have been said…”

The chastised students hurried out of the little nook and began walking towards the Slytherin common room, muttering that no one would report anything. James turned back to Lily, and his smile was less the cold expression it had been a moment ago and more the lopsided grin she was used to.

The fact that he could look so carefree after doing such a thing drove Lily mad. She stomped her foot. “Potter! Weren’t _just_ discussing how you can’t do things like that anymore? You’re Head Boy! We’re supposed to set an example.”

“I am setting an example. Rookwood needed to see that there are consequences for his actions.”

“Consequences, yes,” Lily said, crossing her arms. “You can take points from him for mouthing off, but you can’t just hex everyone who says something you don’t like. Even if they deserve it.”

“Oh, I don’t know, seems that I can,” James said mildly. He started to walk out of the corner where they’d found the supply closet, but Lily grabbed his arm.

“This isn’t a joke! I thought you’d grown past this sort of thing.”

James whirled to face her, yanking his arm from her grasp. She wobbled, and he instinctively reached out to steady her before pulling his hand back from her shoulder and pointing a stern finger at her instead. “Evans. I won’t let anyone call you that in my presence. _I_. _Won’t_.”

“We’ve been over this.” Lily narrowed her eyes and raised her chin. “I don’t need you to be my savior. I can take care of myself.”

He gave his hair a frustrated tug. “This isn’t about that, and you know it.”

“It’s just a word,” she said. She shrugged as though it didn’t burn like a branding iron. “Dumbledore would say it only has the power we give it, right?”

“And he’d be wrong.” James’ voice was firm. “Besides,” he added, dipping his chin to peer at her over his glasses, “how’s it any different than when you punched Avery for saying the same to Mary?”

“What Avery said was worse,” she argued, frowning. “He did more than call her mudblood, he called her mother every derogatory name you can think of. And the things he threatened to do to her, were just—” she shuddered “—foul.”

Something in James’ expression softened. “I believe it,” he said. “Still, if you’re able to defend your friends, I don’t see why I can’t do the same.”

Lily huffed out an angry sigh. “Fine, maybe I shouldn’t have done it, either. And neither of us should do it now.” She hesitated before playing her strongest card: “You know there are already people who don’t think you deserve to be Head Boy. We shouldn’t give them any ammunition.”

“I know.” His expression darkened for a moment, but it passed quickly. He shrugged. “But I can’t make any promises.” Lily opened her mouth to object, but James held up a hand. “I’m not going to tolerate these Death Eater fuckwits using that slur, Evans. Not about you or anyone else.”

She stared at him, but his jaw was set and the amber flecks in his eyes looked like small fires, flames flickering with pent-up frustration. Her lips parted, and she let out another soft sigh. She was still annoyed with James, certainly, but she found herself wishing she could ease some of the tension in his face. She shook her head. “Fine,” she repeated after a moment. “Let’s just finish rounds and be done with it.”

James nodded curtly. They left the dungeons and were quiet on the walk back to Gryffindor tower. But when they made it to their shared dormitory, Lily grabbed James’ wrist.

“Potter, we really have to be more careful.” She looked deep into his eyes, her expression earnest. “I don’t want you getting in trouble, especially not on my account.”

He rotated his wrist in her grasp gently, so that his hand was gripping her forearm, too. “You’re—” He paused, then shook his head and started over, “Friends are the best possible reason to get in trouble, Evans.”

They held each other’s gazes for a few seconds, then James gave her a half-smile and dropped his hand from hers. Lily swallowed hard.

“Right,” she agreed softly. “Good night, Potter.”

“‘Night, Evans.”

* * *

Lily didn’t sleep well that night. She couldn’t quite remember the details of her dreams once she awoke, but she knew they’d been about Hogwarts, and they left her feeling anxious. Perhaps James could sense her frayed nerves – or maybe her distress was just that obvious – but he gave her a quizzical look when she dropped onto the bench at the Gryffindor breakfast table in the morning. She smiled weakly and shook her head. His brow furrowed, but he nodded and turned back to his conversation with Sirius. Lily was grateful. She didn’t want him fussing over her like a mother hen. Or something more.

She ate her breakfast in relative silence while Dorcas and Remus chatted about Runes to her left and James, Sirius, and Mary argued about Quidditch on her right. Lily’s mind was elsewhere. She wished she didn’t share her next class, Charms, with the Slytherins. She didn’t know whether Rookwood had told his housemates that she’d docked them fifteen points or that James had hexed him for his bigoted taunts, but it would be in her interest to keep an eye out for possible revenge plots today, and she wasn’t sure she had the energy.

Indeed, between her lack of sleep and her concerns about retaliation, Lily hardly paid attention to the day’s lesson. When Flitwick asked her what’s the most important thing a wizard using the Obliviate spell can do to ensure they only erase particular memories rather than a person’s entire lifetime, she slid down low in her chair and mumbled something about the three C’s of mind magic. Dorcas jumped in to note that, specifically, wizards must be _certain_ in their purpose and goals in order to prevent unintended memory loss. Flitwick nodded and gave five points to Gryffindor, and Lily shot her friend a grateful smile.

She spent the rest of class trying to be inconspicuous. Still, that didn’t stop Snape from staring at her from across the room as she gathered her things at the end of the lesson. She glared at him, and suddenly an image of his housemate with his pants down flashed in front of her eyes. She could almost hear the way Rookwood had growled _mudblood_ , nearly the same way Snape had snarled it at her more than a year ago. Cringing, she pulled her gaze away from her ex-friend’s.

 _Ugh, Slytherins_. She wished she could just forget the lot of them.

After Charms, the day seemed to drag on forever. Her lack of sleep left Lily cranky, and her head was starting to ache. The Potions practical exam she’d discussed with James last night seemed more difficult than it should have been, but in the end, Lily prepared an acceptable Draught of Living Death. She hurried through a surprise quiz in Transfiguration and was pleased to find that, thanks to James’ help, she had no trouble demonstrating the correct wand movements for rabbit-to-ferret transfiguration as compared with those for rabbit-to-teapot. Unfortunately, in Earth Magic, Professor Terra was displeased with not only Lily’s slipshod work for the day but with nearly everyone’s, so much so that he made them spend the last half of lesson summoning different types of stone from the sediment at the bottom of the lake.

“Until you have the finesse to summon only the _granite_ pebbles or only the bits of _limestone_ or _clay_ or whatever else I’ve asked for, I can’t teach you how to manipulate boulders, much less stop a rockslide. Now, try again. Only lavastones, this time.”

When she finally fell into bed that evening, Lily whispered a pitiful “thank you” to whatever powers controlled her life for the end of the day. But, to her dismay, she once again struggled to fall asleep. She had a bit of a headache, but not enough to warrant going to Madam Pomfrey for a tonic. She wished she’d thought to bring some Muggle aspirin with her from home, but she purposefully left most Muggle things behind each year when she returned to Hogwarts. The separation was good for her.

After tossing and turning for over an hour, she climbed out of bed and stomped over to her bookshelf. She selected the most boring novel she could find, planning to read until she fell asleep. But before she could settle back into bed with her book, she had another idea – a better idea – of how to entertain herself in the wee hours of the morning. She pulled on a pair of fuzzy socks and grabbed a cardigan off the back of the chair at her desk, then padded out of the dormitory and down the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room.

As she’d hoped, when she got downstairs she found Sirius sprawled on the couch in front of the fireplace, though no fire was burning.

He sat up as he heard her approach. “What are you doing down here, duckie?” he asked, managing to look both delighted and concerned.

Lily giggled. “You’re never going to stop calling me that, are you?”

“Are you ever going to stop wearing your duck trousers?” he countered.

She rolled her eyes and smiled. “No.”

“Then, there’s your answer,” Sirius said, holding out one hand as though he were offering her something on a platter. Then his perfect eyebrows drew together in a frown. “But honestly, love, is something wrong? I haven’t seen you at this time of night for ages.”

Lily shrugged. “Oh, I dunno. Just couldn’t sleep.” She frowned and added, “Plus I’ve got a wee headache.”

“Did you take something for it?”

“No, I’ll pick something up from Madam Pomfrey in the morning, if I need it. For now, I’m hoping to take my mind off it.”

Sirius beamed. “And you came to me!”

“Well, this time of night, it’s either you or _her_ ,” she teased, wiggling the book she was holding.

He took it from her and squinted at the cover. “ _Ayn Rand_ ,” he read. “I thought you didn’t care for this one?”

“I don’t,” Lily said, taking the book back from him and folding herself into an oversized armchair, “that’s why I thought it might help me sleep.”

Sirius barked out a laugh. “Point taken. Up for a game of chess, instead?”

They played for over an hour. After he had beaten Lily three games to one, Sirius shoved the board to the side. “Enough of that, Evans. You should go upstairs, you’re obviously knackered.”

“I’m all right,” she said, slapping a hand over her mouth to cover a poorly-timed yawn. “Let’s just sit and talk for a bit more, yeah?”

He grinned. “Whatever you’d like.”

Lily laughed humorlessly. “What I’d like is a draught for a dreamless sleep, if you’ve got it.”

“Aw, duckie,” he said. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing, really.” She picked up her book, just to have something to do with her hands, then set it back on the table in front of the sofa. “Did Potter tell you about rounds last night?”

“Yeah.” Sirius shrugged and flopped over on the sofa, as he’d been when Lily first found him. “I think he let Rookwood off easy.”

“You would,” Lily said, rolling her eyes. She shook her head and curled her knees up into the armchair, tucking her feet underneath her. “I can’t pretend that word doesn’t bother me,” she conceded. “But it’s just a word. I’m not sure the Board of Governors would think it warrants a physical response.”

“Bugger the Board. The pain may be different, but words can hurt just as much as a hex,” Sirius said bitterly. “Trust me.”

She tilted her head in acknowledgment. “I know.”

They were quiet for a moment, and Lily wondered if Sirius was thinking about the times his mother had made cruel remarks about his sexuality because he refused to date any of the pre-approved, aristocratic witches she shoved in his direction, or the times she’d literally cursed his name for daring to associate with people like Lily.

Words could hurt, indeed.

The similarity between what Sirius was saying and James' response to Dumbledore’s platitudes that Lily had offered last night was not lost on her. She knew James would defend Sirius against taunts just as fiercely as he’d defended Lily from Rookwood’s slurs. And while she may not care for his methods, James was highly principled and relentlessly loyal. There really was nothing he wouldn’t do for his friends.

All the more reason Lily had to stay in that category. Now, if only her stupid hormones would agree.

Without preamble, before she could think about it too much, she blurted out, “I know you know I snogged James.”

She was cringing before the words had fully left her lips. She halfway hoped Sirius would laugh, or scold her, or pretend to retch, and then assure her she was right not to do it again. If anyone would understand the importance of securing James’ friendship, it would be Sirius Black.

Instead of scolding Lily, he just tipped his head to one side, his grey eyes unreadable. “Yeah, I know. I also know you’re not snogging him anymore.”

“Yeah.” Lily focused on tracing one of the ducks on her pajama bottoms with a finger. “It’s complicated.”

“Seems like it’s finally uncomplicated, Evans,” Sirius said, and without looking up she could picture his piercing gaze and arched eyebrow. “After all this time, you finally fancy him back.”

“I don’t!” she exclaimed. She chanced a peek at Sirius, and saw exactly the shrewd look she’d expected on his face. “I mean, I like him,” she continued. “I like spending time with him, but I don’t know if I’d say I _fancy_ him.”

“You’re obviously attracted to him,” he said, shaking his head so his silky locks flew around his face. He dragged a hand through his hair, tousling it gently, the smooth gesture similar and yet so different from the twitchy way James did the same thing.

Lily blinked hard, her face turning red. “Never mind. I don’t want to talk about this.”

Sirius snorted. “Then why’d you bring it up?” He slung one arm over the back of the sofa and crossed his legs, looking at her expectantly.

“I don’t know.” She buried her face in her hands. “Okay, maybe you’re right. I enjoy his company, and I’m attracted to him.”

“There, now. That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Sirius chuckled. “So, back to the original question. What’s so complicated?”

“I don’t _know_ ,” Lily repeated. She shrugged one shoulder and sighed. “Things like that never end well, do they?”

“Like what, fancying someone who fancies you back?” Sirius gave her a quizzical look. “Who says it has to end?”

Lily shook her head firmly. “Flings, affairs—whatever you want to call them—always do. Most relationships don’t last forever, Sirius. And James and I are finally friends, real friends.”

“I know, thank Merlin.” He rolled his eyes. “It only took you idiots six years.”

“Oh, shove it. But, you’re right—it took me forever, and I should’ve been friends with him sooner, and I’m an idiot. But that’s the reason I shouldn’t do anything that might ruin it, isn’t it?”

“You can’t ruin it. Some friendships do last forever, you know. Look at Effie and Marlene’s gran.” James’ mother, Euphemia Potter, and Marlene’s grandmother, Eliza McKinnon, had been friends since their school days, and had formed some sort of “liberated witches” organization upon graduation. Their close friendship was the reason Marlene and James had grown up practically as cousins.

“And Prongs is just like his mum that way,” Sirius continued. “You’ll never meet a more-loyal bloke, I promise you that. Once he’s your mate, you’re mates for life.” He smiled affectionately.

“Maybe,” Lily conceded, since she’d been thinking something similar only a few minutes before. She bit her lip and studied her duck trousers some more. “But the type of friendships that last forever usually don’t involve snogging, I think. At least, not for people our age.”

“And you think snogging might ruin your relationship with Prongs?” Sirius burst into laughter.

Her head snapped up, and she scowled at him. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, it’s just—I’m always worried _not_ snogging will ruin my relationships,” he said, still snickering. He flicked his wrist dismissively and added, “Future relationships, that is. If I ever have one.”

“Ah.” Lily’s righteous indignation faded, and she poked his shin. “You will.”

“Maybe.” Sirius shrugged and grinned wryly. “Funny thing is, right now, you and James have the sort of relationship I’d like, I think. All those feelings, but none of the kissy bits. Only difference is, you both _want_ to snog each other’s brains out.”

“Didn’t I tell you to shove it?” Lily shot back with mock-glare. “I haven’t admitted to any _feelings_ beyond friendship and physical attraction.”

“Sure, Evans.” Sirius rolled his eyes and chuckled. His expression turned serious. “Listen, I’m the last person who’s going to tell anyone they ought to be snogging, you know? You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Thank you,” Lily said primly. “I know.”

“But if you _do_ want to,” Sirius went on, before pausing thoughtfully. Then he shook his head. “I don’t know. Seems like you’re only hurting yourself by denying it. And hurting James, too.”

“No, you’ve got it all wrong,” Lily argued. “I’m doing this so no-one gets hurt!”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “So no-one gets hurt, or so _you_ don’t get hurt?”

The gentle jab hit its mark, and Lily sucked in a short breath. “That’s not fair,” she said. “I don’t want James to get hurt, either.”

“I believe you,” Sirius said reassuringly, but his mouth curved in a sly smile. “Just try to remember that the next time you’re undressing him with your eyes.”

“Oh, for Godric’s sake, Sirius! I said shove it!”

He cackled with glee, and, despite her attempt to look appalled, Lily could feel her lips twitching with a smile.

Internally, though, she worried about what Sirius had said. The last thing she wanted to do when James was being so respectful of her request for boundaries was to send him mixed signals. If she wanted this to work, she’d have to stop even _thinking_ about snogging him.

Her smile drooped, and she sighed. Maybe being friends with Potter was more difficult than she’d thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Lily :)


	16. In which James talks to Dumbledore and is a good friend to Lily

James didn’t _think_ Lily was angry with him for hexing Rookwood, but she’d been behaving oddly the past few days. She was treating him more formally, with less teasing and no doe-eyes when she asked him for snacks. They still studied together, and she still came to Quidditch practices with Dorcas. But she seemed even more intent on creating a line between them than she had when she first asked for it, and James couldn’t figure out why.

One thing was obvious, though, and James wondered if it in any way accounted for Lily’s changed behavior – despite her attempts to brush it off as no big deal, blood-purity rhetoric was gaining traction around the castle. Maybe the feeling of being surrounded by people who considered her “an abomination” was getting to her.

Case in point – on the way to Quidditch practice one afternoon, James bumped into Livia Burke outside the Great Hall, putting up flyers for the Legacy Club. The notice, printed on green parchment with silver trim, read, _Gloriam Traditionem Magicae_ at the top, and _To preserve Wizarding history_ under that. James paused to study it, then turned to Livia with raised eyebrows.

“New club?” he asked.

“Old club, actually,” Burke corrected with a haughty smile. “My mother was part of the Legacy Club when she was at Hogwarts. It’s time we had a place to talk about the preservation of Wizarding traditions again.”

“There are plenty of classes here that focus on the history of magic, you know,” James said. “If you’re so interested in our wizard ancestors, you could take those. I hear Nineteenth Century Wizard Literature is fascinating.”

Livia sniffed disdainfully. “I’m talking about so much more than literature, Potter.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. I’m talking about how young witches and wizards are introduced to society. Groomed for leadership.” She pursed her lips. “We need a place where wizards and witches from all the old families can connect and focus on protecting our culture.”

James rolled his eyes. “Right,” he said, cutting her off before she could pick up steam on the Pureblood Express, “and I’m sure you’ve gone through all the proper channels to form this club?”

“Professor Slughorn gave me permission.”

Even though James had referred to “proper channels” (it sounded more imposing that way), permission from your head of house was all that was required for a student to start a club at Hogwarts. Which meant Livia was perfectly within her right to put up her flyers.

“Fine,” he grumped. “And you know it’s got to be open to students, regardless of blood status?”

“Of course,” Livia said in a sickly-sweet voice. She pointed to a line at the bottom of the notice that read, _Open to all who wish to strengthen the legacy of British Wizardkind!_ “I’m not sure a Muggleborn would have much to contribute, but everyone is welcome to come and learn.”

She was walking a fine line, and, if her smug smile was any indication, she knew it. He opened his mouth to dock points from Slytherin, then closed it again with a grunt.

Unfortunately, there were no rules against being a condescending snob with bigoted tendencies.

“You know, you should come to a meeting, Potter,” Livia went on, still in that saccharine tone. “Your family has had members on the Wizengamot, you must at least somewhat recognize the importance of maintaining the power of Wizarding institutions.”

“You should check your history, Burke,” James snapped. “My grandfather wanted wizards to use our power to aid Muggles in times of war and such. He wasn’t an isolationist.”

“Hmm. I suppose that explains where you get your liberal views.” She shrugged one shoulder. “You’d still be welcome in the Legacy Club, you know. And I wouldn’t mind a spirited debate about the value of isolationism and separation versus intervention and mixing with the Muggle world.” There was something almost playful in her deep brown eyes when she added, “I don’t think you’ll win, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be fun.”

James snorted. “I’ll pass, thanks.” He wasn’t interested in treating Muggle rights – in treating Lily’s _existence_ – as an academic exercise, up for debate. He shook his head and stepped around Livia. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Burke, I’m late for Quidditch.”

“Of course.” She smirked as he walked past her. “If you change your mind, we’ll be meeting on Monday at eight.”

His lip curled in a sneer, and James kept walking without giving Livia another glance. He wouldn’t change his mind.

Unless…

His steps slowed as he considered the idea that had just come to him. With a bit of Polyjuice potion, he could disguise himself as a younger Ravenclaw or someone, a student Livia and the others wouldn’t know well but wouldn’t automatically suspect shouldn’t be there. He could see which other students attended the meetings and how receptive they were to claims of Muggle inferiority. And he could make sure the Legacy Club wasn’t just an open recruiting ground for future Death Eaters.

Maybe no one else in the castle was taking this threat seriously, but James would. Hogwarts was the rare place, the _only_ place, where some of the people he cared most for in the entire world felt they _belonged_.

No one would take that from them. Not on his watch.

* * *

Much to James’ disappointment, Lily wasn’t at breakfast the next morning. It seemed to be becoming a habit of hers, and he hoped she was feeling all right. He knew she’d seen the Legacy Club flyers last night because when he saw her in the Common Room, she’d drily commented that at least the club’s membership list would help her know who to avoid at parties in the future. James had managed to chuckle, but he wondered if the sarcasm was a shield – just a tool to blunt the impact of the harshest blows.

He'd wanted to tell her about his Polyjuice idea then, but he was worried she would tell him not to do it or, worse, decide they should do it together. He felt a little guilty about keeping his plan from her – they were a team, after all, and she’d be angry if she thought he was excluding her for her own protection. But whether she agreed with him or not, James strongly believed Lily shouldn’t have to subject herself to hours of anti-Muggle and Muggleborn prejudice every week. Of course, she wasn’t the type to cower in the face of bullies and ignoramuses. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t get her feelings hurt.

On the other hand, if her absence from the breakfast table wasn’t about the junior Death Eaters league at all, James hoped she wasn’t skipping meals to avoid _him_. She certainly seemed to be trying to put some emotional distance between them, if nothing else. But he didn’t think that distance extended to breakfast with their housemates. Besides, new boundaries or not, she still attended most meals. And when she didn’t, he suspected she enjoyed having him bring her apples more than she’d ever admit.

Sure enough, when he walked into the greenhouse and flashed the apple he had stowed in the pocket of his robes, her face split into a wide smile. He tossed it to her and she caught it with a whispered, “Thanks, Potter!”

He grinned and nodded, but she had already turned away to chat with Mary.

That was fine. He turned to the front of the room and focused his attention on Professor Sprout’s lecture for the next hour and a half, telling himself he could always talk to Lily later.

She stayed late after the lesson to chat with the professor, so James lingered outside the greenhouse until she was finished. When she came out, she seemed surprised to see him. He greeted her with a smile.

“All right, Evans?”

“I’m all right, Potter. You?” She began walking towards the castle.

“I’m well,” James said, matching her stride. He bumped her gently with his forearm and teased, “Were you asking Sprout if you can keep a Venus Fly Trap this time? How many plants do you need, Evans?”

“No!” Lily laughed and nudged him back. “I was just updating her on my _one_ plant, my velvet beans. They’re really flourishing.”

“Ah, okay.” James’s grin was cheeky. “Not as interesting as a Venus Fly Trap, but based on what we saw today, I don’t think they’d make good houseplants, anyway.”

“Agreed.” She gave him a quick smile, then went silent.

James ruffled his hair. “So, listen. It’s my week to make the prefects’ schedule, but I just wanted to check with you—you and Meadowes are planning something for Marlene’s birthday, right?”

Lily’s eyes darted from side-to-side, checking to see if any students were within listening distance. “Shh!” she hissed. “You can’t tell Marls, Dorcas really wants it to be a surprise.”

“I won’t tell her, I solemnly swear.” James touched a hand to his chest. “I was just asking because I want to make sure neither of us is scheduled for rounds that evening. Next Saturday.”

“Oh, that’s brilliant. Thanks, Potter,” she said with a sigh. She glanced around them again, a small smirk on her lips, and lowered her voice. “While you’re at it, you might want to make sure whoever _does_ have rounds isn’t likely to check the Room of Requirement.”

“What’s this? Is Lily Evans plotting against her own prefects?” James asked with an exaggerated gasp.

“Not against them!” Her eyes twinkled as she grinned up at him. “I just think Saturday might be a good night for someone who’s more... _lax_ in their duties to be on the job.”

“Hmm. Normally, I’d suggest a Slytherin,” James said, tapping his lips. “That lot is always trying to do the least work possible, and I know they cut their rounds short, I just know it.” He clasped one hand around his other closed fist and gave them a frustrated shake. “But it’s too risky—since they _do_ like shortcuts so much, I’m sure some of those sneaky bastards know about the Come-and-Go-Room.”

“Good point,” Lily agreed. Her brow furrowed. “Wait, do you really think they don’t do proper rounds?”

James let out a loud laugh. “This is one of the things I love about you, Evans,” he said, unclenching his hands and putting an arm around her shoulders. “You really do believe the best in everyone.”

“Well, yeah, until they give me a reason not to,” Lily said, blushing. She drew herself up taller and crossed her arms, shrugging James’ arm off her shoulders in the process. “I’m not naïve, I know half of them are bigots and bullies, but that’s separate from a prefect not completing their duties.” She shook her head. “We should make a general announcement at the next meeting.”

“I didn't mean to get you all worked up, Evans.” James ran a hand through his hair and flashed a crooked grin. “I haven’t heard anything about anyone shirking their responsibilities on rounds. Just, the same way you assume the best of them, I assume the worst. At least when it comes to that lot.”

“Hmm. All right.” Her eyes were still narrowed, but she relaxed her shoulders. “We’ll still make an announcement. But who shall we tap for Saturday, then? Maybe Belby?”

“No, I think Belby has...secrets,” James replied, making his most mysterious face and feeling pleased when Lily giggled. “People with secrets find the Room. How about O’Malley? And, say, Carolyn Price?”

“Hmm, I dunno. I think they fancy each other.”

He waggled his eyebrows. “All the more reason to give them some alone time, eh?”

Lily smiled and rolled her eyes. “I might agree, but if they’re _too_ interested in some _alone time_ , it could lead them exactly where we don’t want them.”

“Ah.” James nodded wisely. “The Room _would_ be an ideal spot for a bloke to steal a few kisses from a willing young lady.”

“Better than a broom cupboard,” Lily quipped. Her face immediately turned as red as a tomato.

James wondered if it was his mention of a “willing young lady” that had caused Lily to blush or if she was simply remembering Peggy and Augustus and their closet tryst. He tried _not_ to wonder if she was imagining herself and James tangled up in a broom closet, or the Room of Requirement, or a bed, or...anywhere, really. He wouldn't be picky.

But that wasn’t the kind of relationship they had anymore, and he was okay with that. He’d fancied her for years, and there’d been moments during that time when she wouldn’t have offered to pee on him if he’d been on fire. So, to have her friendship now was no small thing. Even if he still longed for more sometimes.

Besides, friendship didn't mean he couldn’t notice how cute her red cheeks were. Or the way she bit her bottom lip when she was nervous, or thinking something naughty, or both. And he did notice those things, and a million other tiny details about Lily Evans’ face. But only for a second.

This was one of the few prolonged conversations he’d managed to have with Evans this week. He didn’t want to ruin it by gawking at her.

He cleared his throat. “Right, so not O’Malley and Price,” he said. “O’Malley and Hodges, maybe?”

“Oh, that should work,” Lily said, nodding. They came to a stop outside the Arithmancy classroom, and she blinked at him as if surprised. “You didn’t have to walk me all the way.”

James shrugged and shoved his hands in the pockets of his robes. “You had class, and I wanted to talk to you. Only made sense for me to join you.”

“Right.” She bit her lip again. “Well, thanks. See you later, Potter.”

“Sure,” he started to reply, but Lily turned and ducked into the Arithmancy classroom before the word had fully left his mouth.

With a sigh, he reached up and roughly tugged his hair. “See ya,” he said, as the classroom door shut behind her.

* * *

It was becoming clearer to James that Lily’s odd behavior _was_ about him, somehow, and not about Slytherin blood supremacists. Still, the blood supremacists were easier to deal with at the moment. He couldn’t shut down Livia and the Legacy Club by hexing her or destroying her notices, not when she’d gotten proper permission to start the club. And despite his willingness to infiltrate the club himself, he’d realized his Polyjuice plan was too risky – he was Head Boy, and, in addition to Lily’s inevitable wrath, the consequences for getting caught were just too high. Using Polyjuice potion to secretly steal someone’s identity was against school rules, not to mention illegal. Plus, the potion took a solid month to brew. The Legacy Club could start all sorts of trouble before he was even ready to begin his investigation.

That meant James was going to have to do the only other thing he could think of to put a stop to this wizard-supremacy madness. He was going to talk to Dumbledore.

He’d always preferred to handle things without involving authority figures, but now that he _was_ an authority figure, he supposed he had standards to uphold. The thought made him sigh. He wished he could talk it over with Remus first to see if they could come up with a solution that fell somewhere between “identity theft” and “running to the Headmaster” on the mischief scale. Unfortunately, Remus, Sirius, and Peter were together at lunch right now, and he knew Sirius would give him terrible advice that he’d be inclined to take, like “Fill their meeting room with dungbombs.” It was better to avoid temptation and leave them out of it.

So, after leaving Lily at Arithmancy, James went straight to the Headmaster’s office. He hadn’t scheduled this meeting, and he had no idea what the day’s password was. But it was usually something candy-related, so James just began reciting every sweet he could think of available at Honeydukes until the entrance to the spiral staircase rotated open. (For the record, the password was “Chocolate Frogs”).

He climbed the stairs, then took a deep breath and knocked on the door to Dumbledore’s private office.

“Enter!” he heard the headmaster call from within.

He pushed open the door and entered the circular room. Dumbledore was seated at his desk with his fingers steepled, eyeing James patiently, as if he’d been expecting him. James swallowed hard, and Dumbledore gestured to the chair across from his desk.

“Don’t be shy, have a seat,” he said.

James sat and tried not to fidget. “I’m sorry to barge in like this, Professor,” he said. “Thank you for seeing me.”

“Well, I’m not otherwise engaged at the moment, and you took the time to figure out my password,” Dumbledore said, a small smile on his lips, “so I thought I might hear what you have to say.”

“Right. Thank you,” James said again. “I wanted to talk to you about—” he hesitated “–Livia Burke.”

“Ah.” Dumbledore nodded. “I thought you might.”

“Right.” James forced himself not to tousle his hair. “Did you know she’s bringing back the Legacy Club?”

“Yes, Professor Slughorn mentioned it.”

“And you’re all right with that?”

Dumbledore sighed. “I’d prefer she didn’t. I think it sows division among our students. But it’s not up to me to censor students’ activities, as long as they are not harming others.”

“But the stuff she’s saying _is_ harmful!” James exclaimed. “She thinks Muggles and wizards shouldn’t mix and that Hogwarts is trying to eliminate purebloods, so they’ve got to rally together to protect themselves. It’s just Death Eater talk in a prettier package!”

“I’m aware of what’s going on in my school, James. I know which students are the most extreme in their views.”

“And you don’t think Livia’s among them?”

“I do not.”

James shook his head. “I’m just not sure about her, sir. I don’t think someone who holds the opinions she does should have been made a prefect.”

“Hmm.” Dumbledore tilted his head, eyeing James over the rims of his half-moon spectacles. “A lot of students aren’t sure about my choice of you as Head Boy, either, Mr. Potter.”

James sat up straighter and folded his arms over his chest. “Maybe not, but I’m not a blood-purist bully!”

“Is Ms. Burke bullying other students?”

James slouched back down in his chair. “Not exactly.”

“Well, then. I have no reason to strip her of her duties as prefect at this time.”

“But, sir, she hates Muggleborns.”

“I think she has much to learn.” Dumbledore sighed and gave James a cryptic look. “James, have you ever wondered why Livia Burke and those like her are so sure you bought your way into your position? Oh yes, I’ve heard the rumors,” he said, nodding as the heat rose up in James’ cheeks. “It’s because it’s what they would try to do. One thing most Slytherins have in common is a willingness to use any means to achieve their goals.”

James bristled. “Well, I’m not like that, sir.”

“I know. And Ms. Burke should, too. She should also know that no matter how much I respect your father, or how much money he donates to the school, I wouldn’t make you Head Boy if I didn’t think you were the right man for the job.” Dumbledore’s tone was light, but James was suddenly sure that the headmaster was reassuring him just as much as he was addressing a hypothetical Livia.

“Thank you, sir,” he said, still blushing. He subconsciously mussed his hair, then blurted out, “Why _did_ you make me Head Boy, though? What made you think I was the right man for the job?”

“Hmm.” Dumbledore’s blue eyes studied James intently. “You’ve always been a leader, James, and you command the utmost respect and loyalty from your friends and many others, as well. But I’ve watched you grow from a talented but overly-confident and at times thoughtless boy into a young man who is measured in his words, honorable in his actions” —here, Dumbledore’s lips twitched, just slightly— “and believes that those with power should protect those who are vulnerable. It’s clear to me that you made a choice to find the best in yourself and have decided that’s the man you wanted to be.”

That almost-smirk made James wonder if Dumbledore was somehow aware of his recent encounter with Rookwood in the dungeons and was being facetious in calling James’ actions honorable. Or perhaps he was aware of the encounter and thought James had handled it perfectly. One could never be sure, with Dumbledore.

Whichever it was, James was humbled by Dumbledore’s speech. He swallowed hard. “Thank you, sir,” he repeated. “I’m just trying to be a decent person.”

Dumbledore nodded. “You’re succeeding. And that’s why I made you Head Boy.”

He returned the headmaster’s nod, meeting his eyes boldly. “And Livia, sir? Why’d you make her a prefect?”

"That choice isn’t mine alone,” Dumbledore said enigmatically. “But after discussing it with her Head of House and others who know her well, far better than you or I, I agreed that she is suited to the position.” Almost as an afterthought he added, “I’m also aware that she desperately wants to be Head Girl one day, as her mother was.”

“What?” James’ shock propelled him to his feet. “You won’t let her, will you, sir?”

Dumbledore gave James a stern look. “I cannot predict the future. But if you were still the boy you’d been at fifteen, I never would’ve given you the position you have now. The same is true for Ms. Burke. The girl she is now would not make a good Head Student. But that may change yet.” His expression was even, but his eyes were calculating. “As I said, a common trait of Slytherin students is boundless ambition. Ms. Burke’s ambition to be Head Girl causes her to toe the line. She wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.”

James scoffed. “I don’t know about that. I watched her stand by while Avery threatened Liam O’Malley, Jacob’s brother? Avery was picking on him because he’s a half-blood.”

“Ms. Burke knows that if she treats students poorly because of their blood status or allows her housemates to terrorize others, she’ll never achieve the rank she desires. I’d wager, the more time she spends with someone like Avery, the less likely he is to engage in some of the crueler behaviors he’s engaged in in years past.”

“Not if she doesn’t stop him!”

“She may not have intervened over simple taunts, but I believe she would’ve before she let them come to blows.”

James barely refrained from snorting. “Simple” was certainly one way to describe those prejudiced wankers. Simple-minded, at least.

The level of skepticisim seeping into James' voice probably bordered on disrespect. “I hope you’re right, sir.”

“I usually am,” Dumbledore said with a dismissive smile. He cocked an eyebrow at James. “Aside from Ms. Burke, how are things going so far in your new role?”

The issue of Livia didn’t seem like something that should just be pushed aside, but James could tell Dumbledore didn’t intend to discuss it further. He nodded grudgingly and said, “Very well, I think, sir.”

“Good.” The headmaster looked pleased. “And you’re getting along with the Head Girl?”

James’ hand jumped to his hair. He thought first of Lily’s flushed skin and her leg hooked around his waist in the prefects’ office, and then of her more recent refusal to maintain eye contact with him for more than two seconds at a time.

He shrugged and cleared his throat. “Yep,” he said with a firm nod. “We’re getting on brilliantly.”

* * *

All right, so maybe he and Lily weren’t getting on brilliantly anymore, but James was determined to fix that.

Step one – he had to find her.

His conversation with Dumbledore had been impulsive on his part, but step two towards re-affirming their friendship would be for him to tell her about it. He didn’t want her to read anything into the fact that he’d met with the headmaster without her. They’d promised to be a team, and James intended to stick to that.

Besides – if she knew he’d decided to go to Dumbledore rather than brew a forbidden potion, impersonate another student, and engage in some light espionage against a properly formed club, she might even be proud of him.

With that in mind, after his last class of the day, James returned to the Gryffindor Common Room, hoping Lily would be there and willing to talk. But she wasn’t, and she wasn’t in the Heads’ shared dormitory or the Great Hall, either. Just when he was beginning to wonder again if she had her own invisibility cloak, he located her in the back corner of the library, head bent over her Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook.

"All right, Evans?" he asked as he approached her table.

She looked up quickly, her green eyes wide in her pale face. She slammed her textbook closed. "Potter."

James resisted the urge to sweep his thumb across her brow and smooth away the crease there. He slid into the seat across from her. "Hey, are you all right?" he asked more sincerely.

"It's silly,” she said, after a moment’s hesitation. “I'm fine."

"You sure?" He nudged her knee with his. "You can tell me anything."

She bit her lip, considering the offer. “All right,” she finally said. Reluctantly, she reopened her Defense text and removed a sheet of lined, loose-leaf paper that had been stuck between the pages. She grimaced as she spread it flat on the table in front of her. "I got a letter from Anthony."

James stiffened. "Your ex-boyfriend?"

"Yep," Lily said dryly. "Apparently he misses me tremendously. The girls in France are terribly stuck-up and wouldn’t recognize ‘superior conversation’ if it fell in their soup.”

James snorted. “Surely he didn’t say that.”

“Oh, he did,” Lily said. She thrust the letter at James.

He hesitated as he took it, torn between wanting to know more about this stupid man who’d chosen to break up with Lily Evans and wanting to rip the letter to shreds in a fit of jealousy. But she was sharing it as a friend. Talking about exes was normal friend behavior. He cleared his throat and looked down at the lined paper in his hand.

“ _Dearest Lilypad_ ,” he began, then coughed to cover a laugh. “He calls you Lilypad?”

“Yes,” Lily said, burying her face in her hands. “He thinks it’s cute.”

“And you don’t?”

“I did at first,” she hedged. She looked up at him and shrugged one shoulder. “It’s more creative than Lily Flower, at least. And I do like green.”

“Well, yes,” James conceded, smirking, “but that doesn’t make it a good nickname.”

Lily giggled. “As if you’d recognize a good nickname, _Prongs._ ”

James reached up and ruffled his hair. “Hold on, that’s—that’s just something between me and the lads. It’d make sense if you knew the story.”

(The story being: James’ animagus form is a stag, but _Antlers_ is an even worse nickname than Prongs.)

She folded her hands in front of her on the table and offered a cheeky smile. “I’ve got time.”

“We’re not talking about my nickname, we’re talking about yours, Lilypad.”

Her eyes flicked to the ceiling. “Ugh, don’t call me that.”

“I wouldn’t,” James assured her, grinning. He stroked his chin. “If I were going to give you a nickname, it would be—" he paused, considering some weak puns, considering her best features, considering _her_ , before he landed on the perfect choice, “—Tiger.”

“Tiger?”

“Yep,” he said, nodding thoughtfully. “Tiger Lilies are beautiful flowers, have you ever seen them?"

Lily shook her head, and James’ eyes lit up. “They’re not native to the British Isles, but I’ll find you a photograph. My dad had a business associate from Japan, she grew all sorts of unique magical and Muggle plants. Handa Sensei, I called her.” He smiled at the memory. “Anyway, she came to visit once and she brought these gorgeous flowers for my mum. They’re these huge, bright orange lilies with black spots all over them. Fantastic.”

“Ah,” Lily said, with a knowing nod. “So, my name is Lily and I’ve got red hair, and there’s an orange lily out there, so it seemed like a perfect fit?”

“No, no, it’s more than that, Evans.” He pushed his glasses up his nose and leaned forward in his chair. “In addition to being beautiful and sort of a red-orange, tigers—the animal, not the flower this time—are smart and fierce. And strong! People call lions the king of the jungle, but did you know tigers are actually stronger?” He nodded in confirmation and offered her a proud grin. “Tiger.”

Lily blushed. “Tiger,” she repeated, grinning back. “Far better than Lilypad, that’s for sure.”

“Right.” James chuckled and looked down at the paper in his hand. He’d forgotten they’d been talking about Anthony. “So, let’s see,” he said, scanning the page, “ah, yes French girls...full of themselves...won’t give him the time of day...” He glanced up at Lily, brow furrowed. “What’s he telling you this for?”

She sighed. “Somewhere in there it says he misses me and he wants us to just go back to how we were before.”

James was certain his heart stopped beating for a second. “Ah,” he said, trying to sound casual, “And is that something you want, too?” He held his breath.

“No,” she said quietly, and James exhaled with relief. “The day he ditched me was awful, you know? He was really important to me, and I couldn’t believe he was just...done with me. Like I was nothing.” She scrunched up her face, remembering, then relaxed with a sigh. “But over the last few weeks, I’ve thought about it more, and I’m not sure we were ever quite right together.”

James agreed, though that was for his own selfish reasons. In his role as just-a-friend he asked, “Why’s that?”

“He was older, and he’s so smart—"

“Can’t be that smart, if he let you go.”

Lily’s face softened. “Flatterer.”

“It’s true.” He shrugged.

“Well, he _seemed_ so smart, and we would talk about politics and world events. It was nice. And I barely follow Muggle politics anymore, so I really liked having that connection.”

“Mmhmm. But...?” James prompted.

“But he didn’t really listen to me, I don’t think,” she said, her eyebrows drawing together as she frowned. “He loved to tell me about things, but he didn’t always want to hear my thoughts on them, too. I think I didn’t notice it at first because he _did_ know so much more about those things than I did, so it made sense for him to do most of the talking, you know? But then he never wanted to talk about the things I brought up, like football or the newest discoveries in modern medicine.”

James thought this Anthony character sounded like a jerk in addition to a moron. Who wouldn’t want to listen to Lily Evans?

He tried to keep his tone light. “Merlin, what’d you do, Evans, spend your holiday reading Muggle medical journals? And you call me a nerd.”

“Well, I want to be a Healer! Sometimes Muggle advances are ahead of wizard ones, you know, and sometimes there’s a problem the Muggles can’t solve that I’m sure could be addressed with magic. I’d like to bridge that gap.”

“Oh. That’s sort of brilliant.” He flashed her a mischievous grin. “Nerd.”

“Shove it. And thank you.” She looked up at him and her cheeks flushed again. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to listen to all this. I just wasn’t expecting to hear from him ever again.” She reached out and took the letter from his hands and folded it into quarters.

He shrugged, hoping it looked more casual than it felt. “It’s all right, I don’t mind listening.”

“Thanks,” she said again. She chewed her lip for a moment. “I’m really glad we’re friends.”

There was something in her expression that made James want to ask if she was sure, if everything was all right between them, if he’d done something to make her run hot and cold these past few days. But all he said was, “Me, too.”

“Good,” she said softly. She smiled and pushed her chair back from the table. “Anyroad, I think I’m done in here. Do you have work to do?”

“Oh, no.” James scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I was just looking for you, actually.”

“Oh. Well, you found me.” Lily raised her eyebrows and grinned playfully. “So, you can tell me _why_ you were looking for me on the way back to the dormitory. Is that all right?”

“Absolutely,” James replied.

She paused, thinking. “Or maybe we should go to the Great Hall first. It’s nearly time for supper, and I’m famished.”

“Hmm,” he said, pointedly. “Maybe you shouldn’t skip breakfast.”

“I had an apple, thank you very much.”

“I know.” The corner of James’ mouth kicked up in a grin that he couldn't have suppressed if he'd tried. “So, what do you want now, Evans? Back to the dorms, or to supper?” He gave a sweeping bow as he escorted her out of the library. “You lead, I’ll follow.”

_Anywhere. Always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I think there's some important stuff in here, and I promise the pace will pick up next chapter! Smut is on the way! XD


	17. In which the girls throw Marlene an epic birthday party

On Saturday morning, while Marlene was at Quidditch practice, Lily and the other seventh-year Gryffindor girls finalized the details for her birthday party that evening.

“So you’ll invite us all upstairs to listen to the Cannons match—” Dorcas said

“And when we get up there, the entire Gryffindor Squad will be waiting—"

“With a cake, aye?” Mary clutched her hands together in excitement.

“A fruit tart,” Dorcas corrected. “That’s her favorite, so that’s what I asked Pete to make.”

“Well, I asked the house elves for four dozen ginger biscuits and some pumpkin ice cream,” Evelyn said. “So we’ll certainly have enough sweets.”

“Fantastic!”

Unable to come up with a plan that would convince Marlene to pop into the Room of Requirement on her birthday without spoiling the surprise, Dorcas and Lily had scrapped that idea and were now throwing her a party in the lounge for the Head dormitories. They’d wished her a happy birthday and exchange small gifts this morning, so she likely wasn’t expecting anything more. But after Quidditch, they’d have music and snacks, and they’d toast with elf-made wine and some elderflower liqueur Sirius had dredged up from Merlin-knows-where. Mary, with her artist’s eye, had decorated the space with streamers and baubles in shades of red and gold, and Dorcas had hung a large banner reading “Many Happy Returns!” over the fireplace. It wouldn’t be as grand as the bash they’d imagined in the Room of Requirement, but this more intimate gathering was more Marlene’s style, anyway.

While they waited for Quidditch practice to end, Mary doodled, Lily and Dorcas built a card tower using an Exploding Snap deck, and Evelyn regaled them with every excruciating detail of her latest interaction with Sturgis Podmore.

“—and he smiled when I handed it to him,” she was saying. “And he’s got those dimples! Deep enough to bathe in, aren’t they?”

“Um, ew?” Dorcas said.

Evelyn ignored her. “And then, after class, he asked if he could walk me to Ancient Runes. Even though his next lesson was in the other direction!”

“Aww,” the girls chorused.

“And while we were walking, his hand kept brushing against mine, but I don’t know if it was on purpose or not.” Evelyn sighed. There were stars in her eyes. “I guess I’ll have to see how he behaves on Monday. Maybe he'll ask to walk me again. Or maybe he only did it to be kind because I loaned him some parchment.”

“Dinnae fash yerself, pet,” Mary said, looking up from her drawing. “I think he fancies ye.”

“Based on what, Mare?” Evelyn cried, throwing herself backwards on the bed. “You don’t even know him!”

Mary shrugged. “Nae, but he’d be an idiot not to fancy ye, wouldn’t he? Ye’re bloody gorgeous and damn clever.”

“You’re biased, you’re my best mate.”

“But she’s not wrong,” Dorcas noted.

“Aw, you girls are so good to me,” Evie said, blowing everyone kisses.

The conversation moved on, and Lily smiled. Mary’s simple explanation for why Sturgis should fancy Eve reminded Lily of how confidently James had called Anthony stupid for breaking up with her. He was probably biased, too. But it was a really sweet thing to say.

In fact, James was really sweet in general. He brought her apples, of course, and he often walked with her from Charms to Potions, since they shared those classes. But he’d taken to walking her from Herbology to Arithmancy fairly regularly, as well, and they’d chat about their lessons or head student responsibilities while they walked. If she didn’t come to watch Quidditch practice, he’d knock on her door when he got back upstairs and ask her how her revising was going and remind her to eat something. And then, last week, he’d listened to her complain about Anthony.

That was, possibly, the most friend-like encounter they’d had to date, but it had only added fuel to the very not-friendly torch Lily had to admit she was carrying. Just when she was getting better about not blushing every time his hand brushed hers or he put his arm around her shoulders, he had to go and be so absolutely lovely that she wished she could curl up against his chest and bury her face in the crook of his neck like she belonged there. A conversation about her _ex-boyfriend_ , of all fucking things, should’ve been a neon road sign showing them clearly which way their relationship was heading. Yet, the better friends they became, and the sweeter he was, the more Lily longed to feel his body against hers, his lips on her face, his—

“Lil? Hello?” Dorcas said, waving a hand in front of Lily’s face. “Where’d you go?”

“Hmm? Nowhere.” Her cheeks pinked and she shook her head rapidly. “What’d you say, Dor?”

“I need you to help me decide what to wear tonight,” she said, apparently repeating herself.

“Oh, of course!” She eyed her friend quizzically. “We’re just having a small do at mine, though, no need to dress your best, is there?”

Dorcas scowled stubbornly. “It’s Marley’s birthday, I want to look nice.”

“Aye, might as well!” Mary agreed. “I’ll do yer face up, love.”

Evelyn’s eyes lit up. “Ooh, this’ll be fun! I’ve got a new dress I want to wear!”

“Wait, no, we can’t do too much!” Dorcas said quickly. “She’ll absolutely suspect something if we invite her to watch Quidditch and we’re all up here peacocking.”

“I don’t see why you should be the only one who gets to look smart,” Evelyn said, pouting.

“I didn’t say that, I’m just not sure this is the right place to debut your new dress!”

“Maybe she’s right, Eve. Your new dress ought to be seen by more than just us, don’t you think?” Lily said, diplomatically. It was clearly important to Dorcas to look nice for the evening’s event, while Lily suspected Evelyn was more excited about the _idea_ of her new dress than about wearing it to Marlene’s party in particular.

Sure enough, Evelyn grinned and twirled a golden curl around her finger. “That’s true, it does deserve a proper audience,” she said. “Maybe I’ll save it for Hogsmeade.”

Dorcas shot Lily a grateful smile, and Lily grinned in return. Clothing debate sorted, the girls resumed chatting and playing cards until it was time to get dressed for the party. They had just finished, with Mary sweeping a final brush of sparkling green shadow over Dorcas’ wide brown eyes, when Marlene returned from Quidditch.

She flopped on the bed, hair still wet from her shower in the changing room. “Sarah Baker’ll be the death of me, I swear,” she grumbled, even though she was grinning. “I’ve half a mind to put a permanent sticking charm on her hands.”

“That’s certainly one way to stop her dropping the quaffle,” Mary said, laughing.

The other girls giggled, too. “Madam Hooch would disqualify the whole team, and you know it,” Dorcas said. “Besides, Sarah's getting better! She’s improved loads since last year.”

“I wouldn’t say _loads_ ,” the Quidditch captain said, still smirking. “Let’s just hope Prakash, Jamie and I don’t break any bones this year, all right?”

“For Godric’s sake, Marls! We’d hope that, anyway.” Lily rolled her eyes and smiled. “Now, come on, we’ve been waiting on you! I had an idea we might listen to the Cannons match upstairs in my dorm. I’ve got a bit of elf-wine I nicked from Potter, so we can have a proper celebration if they manage a win. How about it, yeah?”

“Ooh, that sounds brilliant, Lil,” said Marlene, sitting up and clapping her hands together once. “Let’s go!”

“The elf-wine dinnae hinge on the Cannons winning, though, dae it? I was hopin’ to have a tipple sometime this century.”

“Hey! The Cannons are all right this year!” Marlene exclaimed.

“And the Wasps are hardly championship material,” Dorcas added defensively.

“All right, lassies, we’ll see aboot that,” Mary said cheerfully, shaking out the sleeves of her peasant top as she put her hands on her hips. “Now are we goin’ upstairs or nae?”

The girls filed out of the room and up the stairs to the Head dormitories. At the top, Lily murmured the day’s password and stepped inside, grinning at the sight that awaited her. Someone had conjured a table, and Peter’s fruit tart sat in the center, surrounded by biscuits and pasties. On a smaller end table, someone had put together a plate of cheese and crackers and some fresh fruit, for those who might want more to munch than sweets. A box on the floor, next to the sofa, held several bottles of wine and cordials. And lined up in front of the sofa were Sirius, Remus, Peter, and James, along with the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

Dorcas maneuvered the girls so that Marlene entered the room right behind Lily. She strode into the room casually, laughing and saying something to the other girls over her shoulder. But as soon as she crossed the threshold, the crowd by the sofa roared, “SURPRISE!”

“Helga’s tits!” Marlene cried, jumping backwards and knocking into Dorcas and Evelyn. Her hands flew to her mouth as she gasped, looking around wide-eyed at all of her friends. “Oh!”

“Happy birthday!” Dorcas said, beaming. She grabbed Marlene by the elbow and gently pulled one of her hands away from her face. Then she looped her arm through Marlene’s and grinned up at the taller girl, her face glowing with excitement. “Surprise!”

More shouts of “Happy birthday” echoed through the lounge, and Marlene’s expression gradually transformed from utterly shocked to sweetly delighted. She walked deeper into the room, taking in all the sights – the treats, the spirits, and nearly half of Gryffindor House. She nodded some hellos, her smile growing with every step she took. Suddenly, she spun back to face her girlfriends with a look of wonder in her eyes.

“You did all this for me?” she cried. “Quidditch and a fruit tart with all my best mates?”

“We were gonna throw ye some sort of posh to-do, but we thought ye might prefer this,” Mary teased. “Cannae have ye missin’ the Cannons match.”

“Too right. But this whole thing was really Dorcas’ idea,” added Lily, grinning at her friend. She nudged Dorcas forward to receive her praise.

“Well, erm, I suppose,” Dorcas allowed. Her brown skin was flushed, and she waved a hand helplessly in Lily’s direction. “But it wasn’t just me, the girls helped a ton, and Pete made the tart...”

“Yeah, but you planned it, Dor,” Evelyn piped in, kindly. “You deserve the credit.”

“Dor!” Marlene bounded over to Dorcas and bent low enough to slide her arms around her friend’s waist. With a joyful giggle, she picked her and spun in a circle. Dorcas squealed in surprise.

“This is brilliant!” Marlene crowed. “ _You’re_ brilliant!”

Dorcas looked up at Marlene, still blushing, her eyes wide and hopeful. “Well, I think _you’re_ brilliant. And I wanted today to be special.”

“It is,” Marlene said, smiling. “It’s perfect.”

She still had her hands on Dorcas’ waist, and, cautiously, Dorcas lifted hers to rest on Marlene’s shoulders. They were a study in contrasts – Dorcas short, curvy and brown-skinned, wearing a flowy, floral-print dress, and Marlene tall, athletic, fair-skinned and blonde, wearing a Harpies t-shirt and trackies. They looked sort of silly.

They looked sort of perfect.

And right now, they were looking at each other like there was no one else in the room. Lily sensed a shift in the atmosphere, and suddenly, she felt like she was intruding on a private moment.

Then Dorcas took a deep breath. “Marley,” she began, and there was a slight wobble in her voice, “you’re the most fabulous, out-of-this-world girl I’ve ever met. You’re my best mate. You’re more than that, you’re—”

“You’re more than my best mate, too, Dor,” Marlene interrupted, her eyes shining. “And I hope I’m not reading this wrong, but will you go out with me?”

A handful of whispers and gasps fluttered through the crowd, and Dorcas blinked in surprise. “You’re asking me out?”

“I am. I’ve been thinking about it all year.” Marlene’s smile was so tender. “I just never thought you were interested before now.”

“You never thought _I_ was interested?” Dorcas squawked, still blinking.

“Well, you never bloody said anything, did you?”

Before Dorcas could offer her delighted, indignant reply, the Marauders burst into a loud cheer, led by Sirius. “Well done, you two,” he said, stepping forward clapping a hand on each of their shoulders. “Now we’ve two things to celebrate!”

“Hear, hear!” Remus called.

“Aye!” Mary agreed. “Let’s get this party going!”

Marlene and Dorcas turned to look at the party guests wearing matching expressions of unbridled happiness. The other seventh-year girls rushed over to coo at them and exchange hugs, while the remaining guests scattered around the small sitting room, some heading to the table for sweets, others going directly for the drinks, and still others gathering around the wireless radio to catch the start of the Cannons match. When the girls finally released the new couple, James walked over to offer his congratulations and give them each a hug. He whispered something to Marlene that made her burst into laughter and swat his shoulder. Then she grabbed Dorcas by the hand and dragged her towards the group seated by the radio. The other students spread out to make room for the guest of honor, and Marlene plopped down with her back against the sofa and pulled Dorcas into her lap. Dorcas turned beet red, but her smile was enough to light up the room.

Lily was beaming, too. She’d suspected Dorcas had a crush on Marlene since they’d returned to Hogwarts, but she hadn’t known whether she should broach the subject. Marlene was harder to read, and the last thing Lily wanted was to create tension among their close-knit friend group.

She needn’t have worried, obviously. Now that she thought about it, she should’ve seen that Marlene and Dorcas fit together like a hand in glove. Different, but the same in all the ways that mattered.

Even so, Lily thought they were so brave to open up like that. On more levels than one.

* * *

The party was a massive success. By some miracle, the Cannons won, and between that and her new relationship, Marlene was on cloud nine for the rest of the evening. There were plenty of snacks to go around, and, after the Quidditch match, Evelyn put on the latest Hobgoblins record and the guests danced ‘til their legs gave out. Pete didn’t have all the necessary ingredients to make his Potent Party Punch, but he made a concoction with pumpkin juice and elderflower liqueur that really snuck up on you. More than one student stumbled out of the Head dorms at the end of the night. Lily was glad she had stuck to elf wine.

So had James, apparently, but that didn’t mean he was sober. He was seated on the sofa with his eyes half-closed, passing a wine bottle back and forth between his hands and humming to himself. As Lily approached him after all their guests were gone, she realized she recognized the song.

“Is that Fleetwood Mac?”

“Hmm?” James’ eyes flew open, and he pushed his glasses up his nose and blinked a few times. “Evans,” he said with a sleepy smile. “Sure is.” He tilted the wine bottle to one side and mimed strumming it like a guitar, whisper-yelling, “You can go your own wayyyyyy! Go your own way!”

Lily’s cheeks felt warm remembering the time they listened to that record together. She smiled and turned slightly away from James, busying herself with collecting some of the rubbish left over from the party. “Have you been listening to them a lot, then?”

“Only sometimes,” James mumbled. “S’good.”

“One of my favorites,” Lily agreed. She vanished some empty plates and cracker crumbs from the end table next to the sofa, then took a seat next to him. "Wow. What a party, right?”

“Right-o. Happy birthday, Marley, darling! And cheers to the happy couple.” James raised his bottle in the air before taking a swig.

“Yeah,” Lily agreed, grinning. “I didn’t expect that. It’s wonderful, isn’t it?”

“Sure thing, Evans. Brilliant for them. They’re good together. A great team.” He chuckled and took another drink of wine.

There was a playful smirk on his lips, but something in his tone was…off. Lily cocked her head to one side, puzzled, and held out a hand. “Maybe we’ve had enough wine, all right, Potter?”

He shrugged and passed her the bottle without a fuss. “Whatever you say, Evans.” He tipped his head back so he was staring at the ceiling. “Whatever you say, whatever you want. Take the wine, take my friendship, take my dignity. You want space, I’ll give you space. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.” He raised his arms above his head, index fingers extended, and alternated bending one elbow and then the other in some sort of odd dance set to the rhythm of his sentences.

Lily had been moving to set the wine bottle on the end table, but she froze mid-reach and stared at him. He wasn’t looking at her, he was still watching his fingers as they took turns pointing at the ceiling. He didn’t seem to think he’d said anything odd at all, but to her, his words felt as rough as sandpaper against her bare skin. She set down the bottle and cleared her throat.

“You shouldn’t feel like you have to do whatever I say, you know,” she said, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice. “And I hope you don’t feel like I’m taking your dignity or your friendship, at least not without giving you friendship in return. We’re partners, right?”

“‘Course we are, Evans, just ignore me.” James waved his hands in the air some more. “I’m bladdered.”

She was tempted to accept the excuse, but she shook her head and grabbed one of his flailing hands. “No, this is important, Potter. You shouldn’t feel like you’re taking orders from me, that’s not friendship. That’s not what I want.”

“S’not a problem, Evans.” He squeezed her hand and rolled his eyes towards her, then back to the ceiling. “I like taking orders from you. You’re bossy and brilliant and that’s all groovy. I’d give you my dignity willingly, you should know that by now.” He flashed a lopsided grin. “I just don’t want to give you another a reason to rethink our friendship, is all.”

“Hold on.” Lily pulled her hand from his, a worried frown creasing her forehead. “You worry if you don’t do exactly as I say, I won’t be your friend?”

“A bit, maybe. Sometimes. No, that’s not it.” James ruffled his hair. “I just like it when we get along, when we chat and banter and all that. Last week, you were as elusive as a leprechaun, you know. I miss you when you’re not around.”

Lily’s face flushed pink. “What do you mean? I’m always around.”

“No, you aren’t,” he said accusingly. He sat up straight and frowned at her, the set of his brow suddenly quite intense. “I had to stalk you in the library to get you to have a proper conversation with me!”

“You didn’t have to stalk me, we talk all the time!”

“Not all the time. Sometimes, you avoid me like I’ve got Dragon Pox.” He leapt up from the sofa, the movement so sudden and frantic that Lily also shot to her feet in surprise. James put a hand on each of her shoulders, the serious expression returning as he gently held her in place and stared into her eyes. “First you decided you don’t want to snog anymore, and that was fine with me, so fine, Evans, I love being your friend,” he said, the words low and urgent. “But then it seems like you decided you didn’t want to be friends anymore, either—at least, not close friends. And that’s not fine with me, not at all. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I don’t want to lose you.”

“Oh, James,” Lily whispered. She sucked in a short breath as she heard how intimate his proper name sounded from her own lips. “I’m so sorry, I never wanted you to feel like I didn’t want to be friends anymore! I just didn’t want you to think I was sending mixed signals, you know? One day I don’t think we should mess around, the next day I’m looking at you like I want to eat you.” She blushed as she echoed Sirius. “I said I wanted to be friends, and I meant it. I love being friends with you, too. If it seemed like I was pushing you away, it was only so I could keep my end of the bargain. I’m sorry.”

“S’okay, Evans.” His face relaxed, and he reached out and touched her cheek before letting his hand drop to his side. “You love being my friend?”

“I do,” she whispered. She could feel her cheeks warming up again, so she pulled away from him slightly and spoke in a rush of words. “You remember, in the library, how I said I didn’t notice at first that He-Who—I mean, erm, Anthony, didn’t really care about my opinions?”

“Argh, I don’t want to talk about bloody _Anthony_ ,” James moaned, throwing his hands in the air again and falling gracelessly back to the sofa.

“Just listen,” Lily said, lowering herself onto the cushion next to him. He stuck out his lower lip in a pout, and she fought back a smile. Nudging his shoulder she asked, “So, do you remember, in the library, when I said that?”

He nodded grumpily. “Yes.”

“Well,” she continued, “part of what made me realize that he _didn’t_ listen to me is because I have friends like you who _do._ You’ve always listened to me. When we were snogging, you let me set the pace, and you stopped when I wanted to, and you made me feel like the most important person in the world.” She was full-on blushing now, but she forged ahead. “And now, even when I’ve said we can’t snog anymore, you still listen to me and share things with me. You still treat me like I’m someone important. Even if sometimes you’re too damned noble for your own good, I've realized it’s never because you don’t respect me.”

James bolted upright, his eyes wide behind his glasses. “Of course you’re important, Evans! I respect you so much. So, so much.”

“I know.”

He reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear, then dropped his hand with a sigh. “And you’re not sending me mixed signals.” Under his breath he added, “It would just be easier if you weren’t so fucking beautiful, you know?”

Lily blinked, then smiled at how annoyed he sounded. “Thanks, Potter.” She nudged him again. “You’re not too bad-looking, yourself.”

He squinted at her as if he hadn’t expected that, then something wicked flashed in his eyes. He gave her a sly grin and a casual shrug. “I know you think so, rumor has it you’ve been looking at me like you want to eat me.”

“Ugh,” Lily moaned, slapping a hand to her forehead, “Even whilst drunk your head is as big as the moon.”

James chuckled. “S’your fault for saying nice things.”

She shook her head and sighed fondly. “I suppose it is. I’ll deny it in the daylight, though.”

“That’s all right.” He traced one finger along her arm and removed her hand from her face. “I’ll tell you a secret,” he said, absently playing with her fingers. “I already knew you liked to watch me sometimes, because _I_ can’t keep my eyes off you. Means I catch you looking every now and then.” His lips tilted in a crooked smile. “You know, you’re all I think about, Evans. And I’ll be your friend ‘til the end of time, if that’s what you want, but _Merlin_ , sometimes I want to kiss you so bad I think I’ll die.” He pushed her hand away and stood up abruptly. “Ah, shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Lily hesitated for a moment. “Is it not true?”

“‘Course it’s true, I just don’t want to pressure you.” James tugged on his hair. “This is coming out wrong. I really do want to be your friend.”

"You haven’t said anything wrong, Potter. I know you want to be my friend.” She chewed on her lower lip as she thought about what to say next. She took a deep, fortifying breath and looked James in the eyes. “You said once before that you’d never let anything ruin that. But how can you be sure? I can’t imagine Anthony and I will ever be friends again at this point. How do you know that won’t happen to us?”

“Weren’t you just telling me how I’m nothing like bloody Anthony?” James muttered. “That wanker ruins everything.”

“You’re right, you’re not like him, I just meant—we were close, once, at least I thought so, but now I hope some French girl gives him a venereal disease.” She grinned, and James snorted. “No, I don’t want that, either. But you see what I mean?”

“Evans, I’d wager you and bloody Anthony weren’t—”

Lily interrupted him with a laugh. “You’re just going to keep calling him that?”

“I am, thank you,” James said in a formal tone. He returned to his seat on the sofa. “Ahem. You and _bloody Anthony_ probably weren’t great friends before you started dating. He’s not some lad you grew up with, is he?”

“No,” Lily admitted. “We met at a party, and we exchanged letters for a few months.”

“See! You didn’t have a friendship to build on. It’s not the same thing as you and I.”

She shrugged one shoulder and looked up at him with concern in her eyes. “Maybe. But doesn’t snogging change everything?”

“It doesn’t have to,” he said softly. “Look at Dorcas and Marley. Could you imagine them ever not being friends? Just because they’re dating now doesn’t mean they’ll lose their friendship. You know they’d never want that.”

“That’s true,” Lily admitted cautiously. She bit her lip again and studied the greens and browns and golds swirling in the Head Boy’s eyes. Were the beautiful patterns she saw there an effect of the alcohol she’d consumed or just the magic of James Potter? She couldn’t be sure.

James reached out and touched her cheek again, and a shiver rippled through Lily’s body, answering the unasked question. “Listen, I’m not trying to convince you to do anything you don’t want to do, Evans.” He was still speaking in that low voice, and his thumb traced her jawline. “And I admit, my feelings might get hurt if we started snogging again and then you decided you didn’t want to anymore. But that doesn’t mean I’d stop being your friend.” He shrugged and gave her a crooked smile. “I survived it once already, didn’t I?”

Lily’s heart clenched in her chest. She had that urge again, to curl up against James and feel his heartbeat, smell his skin. She inhaled shakily and pulled away from him just a little. “You should get some rest, Potter. Anything else we need to say, we can say tomorrow.”

James sighed. “All right,” he agreed.

Lily stood up, but James settled deeper into the sofa, stretching out his legs. She furrowed her brow. “Don’t you want to sleep in your bed?” she asked gently. “You’ll be far more comfortable.”

“I will. Jus’ not yet,” he mumbled.

She shook her head. “All right. Good night, Potter.”

“‘Night, Evans,” he mumbled, burrowing into the cushions. “I’ll miss you.”

Those words again. Lily looked down at James, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open, his glasses crooked on his face. She gently removed them and set them on the side table. He didn’t move at all.

“I’m right here, James,” she whispered.

“Mm,” he murmured. He sighed contentedly and rolled over without another word.

There was a quilt folded over the back of the sofa. Lily picked it up and spread it over his long body, then turned and walked to her room. She shut the door behind her and leaned against it, exhaling heavily.

She’d acted like he was being absurd, earlier, when he’d said he missed her, and maybe he was. After all, she hadn’t gone anywhere, at least not physically. And tonight they’d bridged not only physical but emotional distance with their alcohol-induced confessions on the sofa. 

He was still right there, asleep on that sofa in their shared common area. But now, somehow, his words made sense. Even though he was barely twenty feet away, Lily was sure she missed him, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised y'all some smut this week, but I realized it didn't fit in this chapter. So...double update! Head on over to chapter 18 if you're ready for things to get hot! xo


	18. In which Lily and James take their friendship to the next level (for real this time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've got a bit of smut ahead!! If that is not your jam, you may want to skip this chapter.

The next morning, Lily awoke to a knock on her bedroom door a few minutes after nine. She was still in her pajamas and hadn’t even risen to brush her teeth yet, but she climbed out of bed and shuffled to the door, cracking it open with a yawn.

“All right, Evans? Did I wake you?” James' hand flew to his hair, and he gave her a half-smile. “Sorry, I thought even you’d be up by now.”

“I was up,” she said, lifting a hand to her face to cover another yawn. She’d put her hair in plaits before bed, and she could see out of the corner of her eye that they were uneven and frizzy now. She tried to nonchalantly smooth some of the wilder hairs around her face. “Everything all right?”

James’ eyes flicked to her hair, to the bed, then back to her, and his neck reddened a bit. “Er, brilliant,” he said, his gaze fixed somewhere over her shoulder. “I was just dropping by to say I’m sorry if I was out of line last night. I tend to get emotional when I have too much elf wine.” His eyes met hers briefly as he grimaced with his apology.

“No, you were fine,” she assured him. She shrugged one shoulder and looked up at him earnestly. “I think...everything that was said needed to be said. Don’t you?”

“Oh. Maybe so.” He ruffled his hair again, his gaze once again traveling over everything in the room but her face. “So, we’re all right?"

“We are.” Lily reached out and poked him in the chest, forcing him to look at her. “We are,” she repeated.

“All right.” James sounded relieved. He offered Lily a cautious smile. “I’ll see you later, then?”

“Of course,” she said, nodding. “Actually, I was thinking maybe we could go flying today? I haven’t been out since last week, and I miss it.”

“Sure!” James’ expression brightened. “How soon would you like to go? Mornings are my favorite.”

“Oh! I haven’t been out in the morning yet, I suppose.” She hadn’t expected him to drop everything and take her right now, but now that he’d offered, she saw no reason not to go for it. She glanced down at her duck-printed trousers. “I need to change first, obviously.”

“Of course!” said James, with a loud clap of his hands. “Let’s get dressed and grab some breakfast, then we’ll head out to the pitch, yeah?”

Lily smiled. “Sounds perfect.”

Forty minutes later, they were soaring over Hogwarts grounds on James’ Cleansweep Three. Lily had grown much more comfortable riding the wind, and it  _ was _ nice to be out in the morning, with the air so cool and fresh-smelling and the grass and flowers still dewy. She pressed her cheek against James’ back as she watched the sun glint off the lake, making the greens and browns of the forest around them glow brighter than she’d ever seen.

There was nothing more freeing than whipping and curving through the air, seeing the world grow smaller below her. Especially with someone as skilled as James as her guide.

After a couple of turns around the Quidditch pitch, a jaunt along the shore of the Black Lake, and then a long flight over the Forbidden Forest, James brought them to a gentle landing near Hagrid’s hut. Lily straightened from where her cheek had been pressed between his shoulder blades and climbed off the broom.

Given how much of the grounds they’d covered, they’d probably been flying for nearly an hour. To Lily, it felt like mere minutes. “Are we done already?” she asked, disappointed.

“No, not if you don’t want to be,” James replied, holding the broom out to her and grinning. “I could stay out here all day. But I was thinking, maybe you’d like to try steering for once.”

Lily shrank back from his outstretched hand. “Oh, no. Is that a good idea?”

James waggled his eyebrows. “Sure, it is. You’re a quick learner, and you move with me like you're comfortable up there now. I’ll still be on the broom with you, just right behind you this time.”

“Can you guide me from that position?”

“Absolutely. Think of me as your safety instructor. I can take control of the situation if necessary, but until then, I’ll let you take the lead.”

"All right," she agreed reluctantly, taking the broom. It suddenly seemed much more powerful, vibrating with energy in a way that she hadn’t noticed when she had James to hold onto. She gathered her courage and swung one leg over the handle, adjusting the broom between her thighs until it felt natural.

Just as she started to feel comfortable, James mounted behind her and rested his hands on her hips. Her breath hitched.

“You all right, Evans?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said hoarsely. She cleared her throat. “Ready?”

He grinned. “Whenever you are.”

She nodded and kicked off the ground gently, giving them just enough force to hover about six feet in the air. One of James’ arms was wrapped loosely around her waist and his other hand rested gently on her biceps. “Good,” he murmured. “Now lean forward to pick up speed, and then drop your shoulder just the tiniest bit--I’ll tell you when--to make a turn. All right?”

“Mmhmm,” Lily mumbled. She eased them forward, away from Hagrid’s and back towards the Quidditch pitch. The open space called out to her, and she found herself smiling as they picked up speed, riding the wind as easily as an owl.

“That’s it,” James said encouragingly. “Now, instead of going straight here, lean a little to the left—that’s it, now straighten” –he chuckled as Lily jerked upright, bringing them almost to a dead stop— “Not that much, Evans, still lean forward a bit, I just meant ease out of the turn. There you go.” He sounded pleased. “Just like that.”

“Okay,” Lily said. He was such a patient and giving instructor, it was easy to feel like she could accomplish anything with him at her back. She leaned forward to increase their momentum. “I’m doing it, aren’t I?” she called, tilting the broom handle up to allow them to climb a bit higher. “It’s not so scary!”

“Not at all, I think you’ve got the hang of it,” James said. He pointed towards the nearest goal posts, about thirty feet from where their broom hovered above the playing field. “Now go ‘round that hoop, and then you’ll take us straight to the other end of the pitch, as fast as you feel like going, all right?”

“All right.” Lily guided them towards the goal hoops and then into an easy turn around them, then straightened slightly, looking out at the whole field ahead of them. She felt a heightened awareness of the wind whipping her hair around, James’ chest against her back, and the uncontrollable grin spreading across her face. Adrenaline pumping, she narrowed her eyes and leaned forward with a whisper of, “Let’s go!”

They rocketed forward, or at least that’s how it felt to Lily. She let out a cheer, and she felt as well as heard James laugh. She cast a quick glance at him over her shoulder and could just make out the edge of his boyish smile. His joy added to hers, and she laughed and leaned farther forward, urging the broom to go faster. He leaned forward as well, keeping them aerodynamic, and Lily felt surrounded by the warmth of his body.

She sighed and involuntarily wiggled against him, adjusting her body to the curve of his. As she did, she realized, through the thin cotton of their trousers, that James was somewhat...aroused. The realization surprised and then excited her. With the broomstick gripped tightly between her legs, she arched her back slightly, intentionally this time, pressing her bum harder into James' crotch. With his body fully draped across her back, Lily felt him inhale sharply. She grinned and leaned forward again, picking up speed and causing James to tighten his grip on her waist. She closed her eyes and sighed at his touch, and – 

"Evans, watch out!" With his right arm wrapped tightly around her, James jerked the broomstick to the side and dropped his left shoulder, causing them to roll over in the air. 

Lily screamed as they flipped upside down, but James held her tightly and neither of them fell from the broom. But in his efforts to avoid a nosedive into some shrubbery on the far side of the pitch, he swung the tail of the broomstick into a tree, changing their trajectory and sending them spinning to the ground.

James tucked his body and rolled into the grass, but Lily’s landing was somewhat less elegant.

“Oof!” she cried, as she skidded on her back into the bushes lining the end of the Quidditch pitch.

“Are you all right?” James asked, rushing over and kneeling next to her. “Are you hurt? Don’t move!”

“I’m fine.” She blushed and stared up at him, and he brushed some stray hairs back from her forehead to better see her face. Lily noticed a change in his expression as he did so, his worried frown melting away and his eyes darkening as he stared at her. She smiled and added, “Nothing hurts but my pride.”

“Not at all,” James said, blinking rapidly as if to force his attention back to the moment. “This was your first time guiding the broom, and you did all right ‘til the end.” He grinned a crooked grin. “Got going a little too fast there, eh?”

“Something like that,” Lily mumbled. She placed a hand on her chest, still trying to catch her breath, unwilling to admit she’d closed her eyes when she’d felt him harden against her back.

The primal, sensual feelings James Potter inspired in her weren't going away, no matter how many times she told herself their friendship was more important than any snog.

Besides, what he’d said to her last night rang true – snogging didn’t have to be incompatible with friendship. A relationship built on a firm foundation, like Dorcas and Marlene’s, might even become stronger when additional layers were added to it. Deep roots helped things not only flourish in the sunlight but weather the stormy days better, too. Right?

Lily wasn’t sure whether she and James had more light or darkness ahead of them, but she wanted –  _ needed _ – to believe that either way, their roots were deep enough to hold them through it. Her cheeks were hot and she could feel her heartbeat pulsing throughout her body as she sat up a bit and propped herself up on her elbows.

“Potter,” she asked slowly, “did you mean everything you said last night? About wanting to be my friend whether we snog or not?”

“What?" James seemed startled by the change in subject. "Of course I did, Evans.”

“And snogging could never ruin our friendship?”

He sighed and tousled his hair. “Evans, how many times are you going to ask me this question?”

“I know, I’m sorry,” she said. Her teeth tugged her bottom lip. “I just need to hear it whilst you’re sober.”

“Fine,” James huffed. But he looked deep into Lily’s eyes, his expression as sincere as she’d ever seen it, and said, “Nothing will ruin our friendship, Evans, not even snogging. There will never be a day when I don’t want you in my life, whether as a friend or as something more.”

Lily sucked in a sharp breath.  _ Something more _ sounded sort of intimidating.  _ But this is Potter _ , she reminded herself.  _ He’s earned my trust, hasn’t he? _

She nodded slowly, and her lips curved in a hesitant smile. “All right,” she said. “I believe you.”

“It’s about time.” James’ eyebrows twitched and his mouth turned down in a slight frown. “But why do you keep asking?”

“Because,” she said, taking a deep breath, “I’ve been thinking about it, and I really want to kiss you right now.”

James’ hand leapt to his hair, his fingers burying themselves deep in the coarse strands. “What?”

Lily sat up straighter but didn’t quite meet James’ eyes. “I’d like to kiss you,” she said again. “I like snogging you, and you like snogging me, and I can’t pretend it’s nothing. And I like hanging out with you. We have fun together. Our friendship is real.” She paused for a beat, then raised her gaze to his. “So if you’re sure nothing can ruin that, I want to kiss you. Right now.”

"Bloody hell, Evans.” James’ smile went from incredulous to awed to downright jubilant in the span of two seconds. “Absolutely!"

"Good," Lily murmured, smirking. She crawled towards him on the grass, then slowly leaned forward and took his mouth with hers.

“Hmm,” James sighed, and he reached under Lily’s arms to grab her hips and pull her to him. She fell gracelessly on top of him, and they rolled in the grass, giggling and petting each other. “Merlin, Evans,” he said, stroking a hand over her hair as he planted kisses on her cheeks, nose, and lips. “What am I going to do with you?”

“More of this, maybe?” Lily said breathily, smiling against his lips. Her next kiss landed on his teeth, as he smiled, too, before they settled back into a perfect rhythm of give and take, their kisses and nibbles punctuated by little sighs of pleasure.

Thunder rumbled in the distance, but neither of them noticed. That is, until the clouds above burst like a thousand overfull water balloons. Then they leapt up from the ground and raced back to the castle, laughing like children.

As soon as they entered the Heads’ shared common area, James stripped off his t-shirt with a shudder. “That rain is freezing!” he announced, teeth chattering. “And we got completely drenched.” He pulled his wand from the pocket of his trousers and pointed it at the hearth. “Incendio!”

A small fire roared to life in the fireplace, and Lily tore her eyes away from James broad back long enough to run over and warm her hands in front of it. “I know, and it was such a nice morning! I didn’t expect a storm at all,” she said, glancing up at him again. The firelight flickered off his bare chest, and she turned away before she started drooling. “I’m soaked.”

James glanced at Lily and his eyes went dark. Hungry, just like hers were, probably. He licked his lips. “Indeed,” he murmured.

The look in his eyes made Lily feel shy and sexy at the same time. Her body quivered with pent-up desire, and it took every bit of willpower she had not to pounce on him right there. “I should go change,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. She took a few steps towards her bedroom, but James grabbed her hand, pulling her closer to him.

“Uh-uh.” His voice was raspy as he spun her around to face him. Her breath caught, and she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks as she released a shaky sigh. One side of James’ mouth lifted in a grin. Without another word, he pressed his lips to hers.

Lily moaned into his mouth and hooked her arms around his neck. He flinched slightly as her wet t-shirt pressed against his bare skin, and she pulled back with a sheepish grin.

“I told you, I’m soaked,” she said, smiling and batting his hands away. “You’ve got to let me get out of these wet clothes.”

“Mm.” The sound came from low in James’ throat. “Maybe I could help?”

She froze in place as he reached forward and gently hooked his thumbs into the waistband of her joggers, then tilted his head, a question in his eyes. Lily blushed again, but she nodded without hesitation. Slowly, deliberately, James pushed the rain-soaked trousers over her hips and arse and down her legs. 

She shivered at his touch. His lips twitched with a half-smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll warm you up.”

Lily snorted out a laugh at the cheesy line, but her giggles faded as he grabbed the hem of her t-shirt and, with equal deliberation, pulled it over her head. Then he stepped back in awe, his eyes scanning her body, darting from her breasts to her stomach to her thighs like he couldn’t decide which part he liked best.

His appreciation emboldened Lily. With a quirked eyebrow of her own, she leaned towards him and put her hands on the waistband of his athletic shorts. James tensed in surprise, then nodded so vigorously his glasses slipped off his nose. He pushed them back into place as Lily dragged the shorts off his body.

They stood there in their underpants for a moment, staring at each other. Then James stepped forward and put his hands gently on Lily’s bare waist.

“All right, Evans?” he asked softly.

All she could do was nod.

“Good,” he breathed, as he lowered his head and brushed his lips across hers.

Lily’s hands slid up James’ chest, one coming to rest over his heart and the other climbing until she could bury her fingers in the curls at the nape of his neck. Their kiss deepened, and he pushed her towards the couch in front of the fire, their mouths never breaking contact as he guided them down and positioned himself over her.

She felt a rush of excitement, at the heat of his body and the firmness of his hands on her hips, and she bent one knee and spread her legs just a little, creating room for him on top of her. He settled into place, then raised his head for a moment so she could see his mischievous smirk. “Warmer yet?”

“Getting there,” Lily replied, using the hand still wrapped around the back of his neck to pull his face back to hers.

He growled in the back of his throat and slid one hand from her waist up her torso and along her rib cage, stopping just underneath her bra, while he used his other arm to keep his weight off her.

Well, most of his weight. But his pelvis was pressed against her, and she felt him harden, the same way she’d felt him against her bum while they were flying. Instinctively, she rolled her hips up to meet his. She pulled away just as quickly, and James froze in place.

“Sorry,” he murmured, contorting his body so his erection wasn’t pressed against her any longer. “Maybe we should sit up?”

Lily bit her lip, fighting the part of her that demanded his weight on top of her. “All right,” she agreed, inching out from underneath him. She sat up and folded her legs, her back against the arm of the couch, and looked at him, unsure what to do next.

Before things could get uncomfortable, his mouth curved into a mischievous smile and he prowled towards her like a jungle cat. “Come here,” he said, pulling her onto his lap and giving her a kiss. He was still semi-hard under her thigh, but he seemed to be ignoring it, so she did, too. He took her face in both of his hands and kissed her gently, open-mouthed and teasing.

She arched against him, rubbing her soft chest against his firm one. James groaned and pressed a hand against her back, holding her body to his. He ducked his head and began pressing kisses from her ear to her shoulder, his hands gently caressing her back and waist. “Fuck, Evans,” he whispered. “I could kiss you all day.”

“Me too,” Lily whispered back, proving the point by brushing a kiss across his lowered forehead and then one to his ear. “And I—” her breath hitched as James pressed an open-mouthed kiss to her collarbone “—I like when you touch me.”

“I’ll touch you wherever you want, however you want, whenever you want, Evans.”

“Could you—” she felt her cheeks get hot, and she buried her face in his neck “—touch my breasts?”

James tensed, and she lifted her face to look in his eyes. They were almost perfectly round, blinking at her like owl eyes from behind his glasses. 

“Really?” he asked. “You want me to?”

“Yeah.” Lily nodded. “I mean, if you want.”

“Well yeah, I want, but only if you want, I mean, I guess you did just ask, but—”

“Yeah,” she said again. Her face was still burning hot. “Just...I like it if you touch them a little while we kiss.”

James’ handsome face was alight with wonder. “All right, Evans,” he murmured, grinning. But to her surprise, he didn’t immediately plant his hands on her chest. Instead, he resumed rubbing small circles on her back and running his fingers along her spine as he leaned in for a soft kiss. Gradually, they picked up steam again, and then James’ hands moved around her body to trace her ribcage. His thumbs brushed the underside of her breasts, and she arched her back slightly, pushing her breasts more firmly towards him. He cupped them gently, framing them like a picture with his hands, then let his thumbs sweep up and across her nipples.

Lily hummed with pleasure. "Oh, your hands feel so good."

“Good.” He slid those hands down her back and down to her bum, giving it a squeeze. One hand moved back up to her breast, massaging it, while he used the other to pull her even closer, closer than she thought possible. Suddenly, it wasn’t enough to be seated sideways on his lap – she needed as much of her body to be touching as much of his as possible as soon as possible. With two quick movements, she twisted so she was straddling him, immediately feeling the heat of his hardness pressing against her damp knickers. She shifted slightly as she continued kissing him, wiggling her hips until his length was rubbing against her in exactly the right way to make her whole body tingle.

James groaned into her mouth and his hands slid back to her hips, holding her still. “Evans,” he murmured.

“Yeah?” Lily whispered, she sucked his bottom lip between hers and tried to rock her hips again.

He took control of the kiss, coaxing her mouth open and letting his tongue slide against hers. “Let me touch you,” he murmured between kisses, the note of urgency in his voice close to begging. “I want—you said you like when I touch you, let me touch you.”

“I like this, too,” Lily said, shimmying on top of him, her head dropping back as he kissed her neck.

“Fuck, me too,” James moaned against her skin. She could feel his breath, hot and fast against the hollow of her neck. “But I want to touch you, and if you keep doing that” —he made an almost pained sound, somewhere between a hiss and a groan— “I’m going to—I won’t be able to do anything. I want to do this for you.”

Lily’s skin felt flushed and her breath was coming in pants. She sat up straighter, and his erection rubbed against that perfect spot again. She dropped her head back again and let out a quiet whine of pleasure.

James took advantage of the moment to pick her up, her legs still on either side of his hips, and to flip her onto her back on the couch. He hovered over her again, but instead of pressing his hips against her, he slid a hand between their bodies, his fingers tracing the waistband of her knickers. “Let me touch you,” he whispered again. “Is that all right?

“Yeah, okay,” she said softly. With him staring down at her, begging like she was doing him a favor, she suddenly felt shy.

He breathed a sigh of relief and maneuvered onto his side, wedging himself between her body and the back of the sofa. He bent one elbow and propped his head up in his hand while the other hand continued to glide up and down her body, fingers tweaking her nipples then skimming down to her waist and the top of her underpants. Her stomach tensed as his fingers brushed right below her navel, and he paused what he was doing.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No.” Lily shook her head. “It just tickled a little.”

“All right,” he said. “But if you want me to stop, just tell me.”

“I will.”

He leaned down to kiss her, and his hand began its lazy movements again. This time, it dipped lower, his fingertips sweeping underneath the waistband of her knickers.

“Is that all right?”

“Mmhmm. You don’t have to stop,” she whispered, angling her face to kiss his jaw.

That was all the encouragement he needed. James kissed her hard, his tongue thrusting into her mouth, and slipped his whole hand into her knickers to cup her mound. She whimpered softly. James stroked his fingers through the hair there, then gently spread her lower lips.

“Tell me what to do,” he whispered, bending to kiss her neck.

“That’s good,” she murmured in reply. “If you just rub me” —she gasped as his fingers found her clit— “right there.” She sighed.

He smiled, his lips still pressed to her throat. “Like that, then?” he asked softly.

“Oh, God, yes,” she said, her hoarse voice barely more than a whisper. James lifted his mouth from her neck and stared at her.

“Dear Merlin,” he muttered, and Lily hazily wondered how she looked, squirming underneath him with her skin flushed, eyes half-closed and mouth half-open. She _felt_ amazing.

James let out a low growl, the kind that meant he felt amazing, too, and his fingers began moving faster inside her pants. “Lily,” he whispered. She moaned at the sound of her name. “Lily, I wanna feel you come.”

Lily’s response came from deep in her throat, like the purr of a cat. “ _ Mmhmm _ .” James buried his face in her neck again, still rubbing the sensitive bud at her center. Barely able to think straight, she reached down and covered his hand with hers, guiding it lower and lower, until he was perfectly positioned to slip a finger inside her. “Just —l ike this,” she whispered.

“Fuck,” James said, and he slid one long finger deep inside her vagina. She immediately shuddered and her inner walls clenched around him, and he cursed again. Vaguely, she could feel his erection pressing against her thigh. She reached for him, the motion causing her lower abdominal muscles to contract and the angle pressing the heel of his hand firmly against her clit.

Her eyes rolled back, and she forgot that she’d been reaching for the large bulge she’d noticed in James’ shorts. She bucked against him as he pumped his finger in and out. “Yes,” she whined, “right there.”

James seemed to be attuned to her every sensation. When she sighed, he adjusted his hand so his palm would continue massaging her clitoris. He curled the finger inside her, just slightly, and Lily cried out, her legs shaking with pleasure. He repeated the motion and began stroking her at a faster pace, and Lily’s hips jerked up to meet his rhythm.

“Oh, yes. There! Just,  _ oh _ —keep going, yes,  _ yes _ —” Her voice broke as she reached her peak, and her words turned to whimpers as her orgasm tore through her body like a small earthquake, leaving her breathless and trembling. “Yes,” she panted, as he continued to stroke her softly. Her body spasmed again. “Oh, my God, yes.”

“ _ Merlin _ ,” James said, awestruck. He swirled his finger gently inside her one more time, and she shivered as he withdrew his hand. His damp fingers coasted along her ribs and squeezed her breast again as he claimed her mouth with a fierce kiss.

Lily giggled and blushed, although she wasn’t sure her face could actually get any redder. She hummed in satisfaction as she kissed him back. One of her legs snaked up and wrapped around his waist, but before she could pull his full weight down on top of her, he pulled away with a kiss to each of her cheeks and one to her forehead.

“I think, if I don’t let you get up right this second, I’m going to keep you here all day,” he said. He grabbed her hands and pulled her forward, but instead of stopping when she was seated, he kept pulling until he was the one on his back, and she was laying on his chest. They were still in their underclothes, and James’ fingers were skating gently over her back.

“Wouldn’t be the worst thing,” Lily said, without thinking.

His chuckle reverberated through her body. “It certainly wouldn’t,” he conceded. “But I’m hungry.”

She giggled again, and James kissed the top of her hair. “Besides,” he added, “there’s no need to rush things now, Evans, remember? We agreed.”

Lily lifted her head from his chest and frowned at him, confused. “Agreed to what?”

“Nothing’s going to ruin this,” he said, tenderly. “So we’ve got all the time in the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised y'all some goodies, and I hope I didn't disappoint! Thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing and generally squealing about these kids with me!


	19. In which James and Lily define their relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to LittleJeannieBean and Midnightelite, as always! And thanks to everyone for reading, it's such an honor to have you all join me on this journey :-)

James took the stairs to the boys’ dormitory two at a time, then paused outside their door to take a moment to compose himself. He was grinning too widely, bouncing too much – even for someone as high-energy as he usually was. And while he was  _ extremely _ proud of what he’d just done with Lily, he wasn’t going to just walk into the room crowing like a cock at sunrise.

He smirked to himself. Too bad he couldn’t share that particular pun with Sirius just yet.

Satisfied that he’d gotten himself under control, James casually pushed open the door with an, “All right, lads?”

He was greeted by silence. The room was empty.

James huffed out a sigh of equal parts annoyance and relief. They seemed to have gone to lunch without him. When they’d lived together, they’d hardly ever eaten a meal apart. But now he was out of sight, out of mind, he supposed.

He hurried to the Great Hall and, as suspected, found the other Marauders at the Gryffindor table, along with Dorcas and Marlene.

“Oi, thanks for waiting for me,” James said, giving Sirius a gentle shove as he sat down. “I like lunch, too, you know.”

“Don’t blame me, I tried to reach you through the mirror!” Sirius said, looking offended. “I guess you were too busy to answer.”

“Oh.” James’ face flushed at the memory of what exactly he’d been busy with. “I took Evans flying after breakfast, and we got caught in the rain. I forgot to grab my mirror when I got back upstairs.”

Marlene laughed. “Oh no, poor Lily! Just when she’d started to like flying!”

James reached for the saag aloo that had appeared on the table only moments after he sat down, silently thanking Merlin for the house elves’ peculiar brand of magic. “She still had a good time,” he said, and he couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face. “I even let her steer for a bit, right before the storm started. She loved it.”

Remus’ eyes snapped to James’. James blinked, startled by the intensity of Remus’ gaze, then nonchalantly began spooning the white rice onto his plate with his delicious spinach-and-potatoes dish. He thought he saw Remus smirk out of the corner of his eye.

“Wow! A few weeks ago, she was terrified of it!” Dorcas was saying, unaware of James and Remus’ silent exchange. “But I know she’s been loving it, she’s even got me wanting to try flying again.”

“I’ll take you, Dor,” Marlene said, tilting her head to rest briefly on top of her girlfriend’s fluffy hair.

Dorcas smiled. “Thanks, babe.”

“Look at you two,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes affectionately. “Makes me wish I was into Prongs, dating your best friend looks fun.”

“You mean you two aren’t dating already?” Peter quipped, and Remus and the girls giggled.

“Maybe once upon a time,” Sirius said dramatically, “but he’s ditched me for Evans. Can’t even find this lad for lunch these days, he’s always busy with  _ Head Boy _ duties and such.” He snickered.

“Fuck off,” James said lightly, but his face felt warm. “I’m here now, aren’t I?”

"In body if not in spirit.” Sirius winked. “So, shall we do something fun this afternoon?” He raised an eyebrow and looked around the table at his friends.

James fought the goofy smile that threatened to take over his face as he wondered if his afternoon would include more time on the sofa with Lily. But he’d just told her they didn’t have to rush, so perhaps he’d leave her alone for at least a few hours. Plus, he should spend some time with the Marauders, since they were giving him so much guff about it.

Play it cool with Evans. Hang out with the lads. He could do that.

He shrugged. “I haven’t got plans.”

He thought he caught Remus looking at him knowingly again, but the other boy only said, “Great. Shall we play some cards, then?”

“Snap or poker?” Sirius asked. “Or Matching Magic?”

Peter shook his head, disappointment in his eyes. “I can’t, I’ve got to study the growth stages of Fwoopers before Care of Magical Creatures tomorrow,” he said. “Thought I might head to the library.”

“Oh, we’ll join you, Pete,” Dorcas said, “I’ve got Runes homework, and I’m sure Marley has the same Creature Care assignment as you do.”

“I wanted to go hang out in our room,” Marley said with a slight pout. “I know enough about Fwoopers already. Baby Fwoopers—adorable, blind, harmless. Adult Fwoopers—still adorable but quite literally will drive you mad with their singing.”

Dorcas giggled. “There’s probably a bit in between that, yeah? I imagine Kettleburn is looking for specifics.” 

“Right, like what about their color?” Peter asked anxiously. “Doesn’t it change over time? They’re born sort of pale before they get to one of the four main colors, aren’t they? And exactly when does the singing start to drive you mad?”

“Argh, Pete,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes. “You’re going to convince my girlfriend I’ve got to study, aren’t you?”

It was sweet, the way Dorcas beamed at the label. She shot Marlene an adoring look as she said, "I didn't need convincing." Marlene pouted some more.

"Oh, I mean, I don't know!" Peter squeaked. "Marlene's ace at Creatures, I just know I've got to get to the library. That's all."

Marlene sighed. "No, you're probably right, Pete. I should crack a book for this one."

“I mean, it is for your career!” Dorcas exclaimed. “Anyway, we spent all morning hanging out upstairs, we’ve got to do  _ some _ work today. It’s Sunday.”

“All right, all right.”

Dorcas stood from her seat, and Marlene followed, still grumbling good-naturedly. Dorcas smiled. “What about you, Remus? Have you already done the Runes assignment?”

“Yep, finished it this morning,” Remus said. “If you want to go over it later, though, come find me.”

“Brilliant. Cheers, lads.” She, Marlene, and Peter left the Great Hall, presumably heading for the library.

“So, up for some cards, Prongs?” Remus asked again.

“Sure,” James said, shrugging. “Just let me finish my lunch.”

“Of course.” Remus nodded and leaned forward casually, folding his hands loosely on the table. “Sounds like you and Lily had a good time earlier.” 

James almost choked on a potato. “What? I mean, yeah, she really likes flying now,” he said, his hand jumping to his hair.

Sirius laughed. “Yeah, all right, flying. She ‘ _ really likes _ ’ anything involving you.”

“Well, maybe.” James blushed and tousled his hair again, and that goofy smile started to spread across his face. “Things are good between us.”

“I’m glad,” Remus said. “I wasn’t sure she’d ever pull her head out of her arse and accept the inevitable.”

James wanted to agree whole-heartedly, but suddenly he realized he and Lily hadn’t precisely defined what they were to each other now. His smile faltered, and he looked down at his plate. What inevitability was Remus talking about? The same one James imagined, which, come to think of it, Lily  _ hadn’t  _ necessarily accepted?

Maybe he shouldn’t have told her they had all the time in the world. That sounded an awful lot like he was talking about forever, and while he was, sort of, Lily was still skittish. What if she pulled away from him again?

He plastered on a smile, though it felt a bit false to him now. “Of course,” he said, aiming for charmingly arrogant with his tone. “It’s impossible not to be friends with me.”

Remus narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. Sirius let out another loud laugh.

“Evans held out pretty well though, didn’t she?”

“She did, but we’re good now,” James said, still projecting confidence.

He just hoped that confidence wasn’t misplaced.

* * *

After a few hours of bantering with his friends and playing every card game Remus had suggested (Matching Magic was a memory-testing game using Chocolate Frog cards), James went back upstairs, using the excuse that he had a Potions essay to finish. It was true, but he could write that essay in his sleep – it was about Polyjuice Potion, and he knew far more about that potion than he should. So instead of heading to his desk to write, when he got up to the Head dormitories, James went and knocked on Lily’s bedroom door.

She didn’t answer. She may have been in the library, or perhaps she’d gone to find a late lunch. He thought about going to look for her but decided against it. He was playing it cool. He’d see her at supper time, or later that evening.

Unfortunately, when he joined the other Marauders for supper, Lily, Marlene, and the other girls were already at the Gryffindor table finishing up their meal.

“Hey, there,” James said, greeting the table with a round of nods. He sat down across from Lily and couldn’t help smiling as he asked her, “All right, Evans?”

A soft pink blush spread over her pale cheeks. “I’m all right, Potter. How are you?”

“Fantastic,” James replied. “Busy day?”

Remus coughed, and James felt his neck heating up, wondering what the other boy kept insinuating. Lily didn’t seem to notice. She gave him a shrug and a smile as she pushed her plate, empty except for a bit of Cornish pasty crust, away from her and rested her elbows on the table.

“Yeah,” she said, nodding. “I did a bit of Charms, and that Potions essay took me forever.”

“I could’ve helped,” James said. “I know a lot about Polyjuice Potion.”

Lily raised her eyebrows and grinned, her eyes twinkling. “As usual, I’m sure I don’t want to know why.”

“You don’t!” Sirius said cheerfully. “But don’t worry, Duckie, we haven’t broken any laws.”

“Yet,” Remus quipped.

Everyone laughed, and Lily shook her head. The other girls were pushing their plates away, as well, and then Dorcas and Marlene stood up. “Well, we’re heading back upstairs. Are you girls coming?”

“Aye, I’ve got a bit of Charms to finish myself, but first I’ve got to read the new issue of Mates magazine.”

“I don’t know about your priorities, Mare,” Dorcas said, giggling.

“Ooh, that’s the one with ABBA on the cover, isn’t it? I want to read it!” Evelyn said. “You know how much I love Muggle magazines.”

“Call it research, aye?” Mary said. “For when you apply to the  _ Prophet  _ as the correspondent for Muggle affairs.”

“ _ Or _ you could do your actual Muggle Studies homework,” Dorcas chided, but she was still smirking, and Evelyn cheerfully waved her off with a flick of her wrist.

“ABBA’s going to release an album this year, aren’t they?” asked Lily. “I bet it’ll be fab.”

“Totally! So, the three of us will look at Mates and listen to ABBA’s  _ last _ record while those two—” Evelyn gestured at Marlene and Dorcas “—do their schoolwork or something.”

“We’ve done our work already, we went to the library earlier,” Marlene said, giving her a silly, self-satisfied look. “You oughta give it a try.”

“It’s so  _ quiet _ in the library,” Mary said, shuddering. “Makes me nervous.”

“And we can’t talk about ABBA in there,” Lily teased, the corners of her eyes crinkling with her smile.

“Fine, not the library!” Marlene said. “Go wherever you’d like, just stay out of the room for an hour or so, eh?” She grinned, and the boys and Mary laughed. Dorcas blushed.

“Don’t act like you can’t snog in bed just ‘cause we’re in the room,” Evelyn said, arching a blonde eyebrow. “Didn’t stop you last night, did it?”

“Oi!” Marlene cried, and the boys laughed some more.

“All right, Dorcas!” James said, waggling his eyebrows.

“Oh, for the love of Godric,” Dorcas muttered, covering her face with her hands. “Someone Vanish me, please.”

“It’s fine, Dorcas, we dinnae mind,” Mary said soothingly, and Evelyn giggled. Mary stood from the table. “So, we’re all heading upstairs, then, aye? No need to sit here bickering when we could be listening to ABBA.”

The other girls stood and gathered the few things they’d brought to supper, then left as a group, Marlene holding one of Dorcas’ hands while Dorcas kept the other pressed to her face. She turned and waved goodbye to the boys, the other girls following suit as they left the Great Hall. James thought Lily gave him a little extra smile before she turned to follow. He imagined tucking it in the pocket of his robes for safekeeping.

After supper, he thought about knocking on Lily’s door again, but he didn’t. He hoped she’d come knock on his, but she didn’t, either.

His sleep was restless.

In the morning, he decided he’d had enough of playing it cool. Up early, as usual, he waited in the Heads’ lounge until Lily appeared from her room on her way to breakfast.

She looked surprised to see him, but she smiled. “Morning, Potter.”

“All right, Evans?” His hand leapt to his hair. “Listen, I forgot to ask you something yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah?” Her brow furrowed. “What’s that?”

“Will you go out with me?”

Lily’s face turned fully scarlet. “Potter!”

“What?” James reached up and gave his hair another rub. “I just thought we might make it official, you know. Yesterday was perfect. And then later I realized I didn’t know if you wanted to do it again as much as I do, or what we even are now, or if I could say anything to the lads about us.”

“Dear Merlin.” Lily bit her bottom lip, thinking. “I—don’t know. I suppose you can, yeah.”

“Say something to the lads?” James grinned, knowing she’d answered the most shallow of his three questions. “And what exactly can I tell them?”

Lily stopped chewing her lip and smiled impishly. “Oh, I dunno. That I snogged your brains out on the sofa yesterday?” she drawled, holding a smug expression for a beat before bursting into laughter. “No, no, don’t say that.” She took a deep breath. “But you can tell them…that we’re going together.”

James let out a cheer and pumped his fist. “Brilliant!”

But Lily held up a hand. “But let’s not tell the whole school, all right?”

James deflated a bit. “What? Why not?”

“I don’t know.” She squirmed. “I’m not sure if it’s proper, for the Head Boy and Head Girl to be dating. It’s sort of unprofessional, isn’t it?”

“Evans, I thought that was just an excuse you were using to stop snogging me before! As long as we don’t shag in the prefects’ office—” he felt his face heat, and he tousled his hair “—I don’t think there’s anything unprofessional about us dating.”

“It could distract us from our duties!”

“Then we won’t do rounds together anymore, if that’s what you want,” James said with an exasperated smile. “We’ll keep our Head duties entirely separate from our relationship, all right?”

Lily paused, thinking. “All right,” she said, after a moment, “but we still shouldn’t tell anyone, at least not for a while.”

James cocked his head to one side and studied her. Her lower lip looked red and full where her teeth were pressed into it, and her forehead was creased with worry. He stepped forward and bent his knees, slouching so he could slide his arms around her waist. Holding her there, he leaned back a bit to look into her eyes. “What’s the matter, Evans? Do you not want to date me?”

“No, it’s not that! I want to. I’m just…scared.” She whispered the last word.

“Scared of what, the prefects finding out? I really don’t think it would be that big of a deal. And I promise I’ll be professional in public, I won’t embarrass you.” He gave her a lopsided smile.

But she shook her head. “It’s not that,” she repeated softly. “Not just the prefects, but there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t want us together, you know? You’re a pureblood wizard, and your family is still very well-respected, even if you don’t believe any of that blood-supremacy rubbish. And I’m” –her breath hitched, and she swallowed hard— “a Muggle-born girl with no parents.”

“Aw, Evans.” James straightened up and pulled her more tightly into a hug, brushing a kiss along her hairline as he did so. “You know I don’t give a toss about blood purity or the fact that you’re Muggle-born. You’ve always been fucking brilliant, and you know I think so.” He pressed another kiss to her forehead. “But I’m so, so, sorry about your parents, love. I can’t even imagine how you feel.”

She sighed and leaned against his shoulder, her face in the crook of his neck. “Alone, mostly,” she whispered. “And like—like I’ve got to figure out how to make it on my own now. I’ve no family to rely on. I don’t belong to the Muggle world anymore, but I don’t know if I belong here, either.”

“Of course you do,” James said fiercely. “You’re a witch. And we’re your family. Your girlfriends, the Marauders. You’re not alone.”

“You say that now.” She stood and pulled away from him. “But you know a lot of people won’t accept me outside of Hogwarts. It’s getting harder and harder for Muggle-borns to find work. Once we leave school, I may have to go back to the Muggle world and leave you all behind just to survive. ‘Cause if I stay here and you try to help me, I’d just be making us both into targets.”

“I’m not scared of Death Eaters or anyone else, Evans. Not when it comes to being with you.” He reached out and took her hand. “I want to be with you,” he said, “and I expect I always will.”

Lily’s green eyes were glassy, and so, so worried. “I want to be with you, too,” she said. “I just don’t want us to put ourselves in danger. So, promise me you’ll keep it a secret from everyone but our friends, all right? At least for now. I just couldn’t bear it if someone attacked you because of me.”

“All right,” James agreed, reluctantly. “We’ll keep it a secret, for now.”

“Thank you,” Lily said. She put her arms around his neck and her head on his shoulder again, and James felt her body relax.

It felt so natural, like she’d been made to fit exactly in that spot. But knowing that she wasn’t sure she fit anywhere, at all, made it hard for James to be as excited as he wanted to be that Lily Evans was his girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you all so much for reading my story, and welcome to all my new readers! I'm so touched that so many people are so invested in this. As you may know, I usually post on Saturdays, but I wasn't able to do so this week because I'm dealing with a family matter. Everything and everyone is fine, but I won't be able to write or post on a regular schedule for a bit. But I'm not abandoning this story! I love it too much, and I promise to come back and finish it. Hope to see you all soon xo


	20. In which James struggles with the "secret" part of his relationship, and everyone is talking about Death Eaters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! I'm back, hopefully semi-regularly! Can't promise weekly updates like we had, but I don't expect to go months without posting again. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all my lovely, supportive fandom friends, and everyone who has been so patient while Real Life had to take priority :-) This chapter is for y'all. Hope you enjoy it! :D

For the second time in twenty-four hours, James did his level best to look nonchalant when he entered the boys’ dorm Sunday afternoon. Really, he did. He shoved his hands in his pockets and strolled – rather than bounded – into the room, and he kept his lips pressed together so his smile couldn’t get but so big.

Alas, his efforts were wasted. The boys were there, this time, and as soon as James crossed the threshold and called out a greeting, a slow, smug grin spread across Remus’ face.

“Congratulations, Prongs! It’s about bloody time.”

James faltered in his casual gait, then frowned and reached up to muss his hair. “What’s that?”

Remus shrugged. “You and Lily, right?”

Sirius looked absolutely thrilled, while Peter looked up from the deck of Snap cards he’d been shuffling with a bewildered expression, his eyes swiveling from James to Remus and then back to James.

“Wait, wha-what?” James stuttered. He shook his head incredulously. “How do you _do_ that? I haven’t even said anything!”

“Your face says everything,” Remus replied, gesturing loosely in James’ direction. “I actually thought it happened yesterday when you two went flying, but then when I mentioned her finally accepting the inevitable, I could tell you were still feeling…off about something. Whereas today, you look like you just got picked up as starting Chaser for the Bludgeons.”

“You really do, mate.” Sirius grinned and hopped up to clap a hand on James’ shoulder, and James tried not to be disappointed that his poker face was apparently terrible, at least when it came to these lads. “Well done,” Sirius continued, “I’m glad you two are sorted. Evans has been torturing herself for weeks.”

Peter’s brow was still furrowed in confusion. “Wait, what happened with Lily? I hate when everyone knows what’s going on but me!”

“I still don’t know how Remus knows anything—”

“Prongs, I’ve known you and Lily would start dating ever since you borrowed that Fleetwood Mac record the first week of school. I’m only surprised it took this long.”

“You’ve got a date with Lily?” Peter exclaimed. He pumped the fist holding the Exploding Snap deck and a puff of smoke escaped from between his fingers. “All right, Prongs!”

“Well, yeah,” James said, a smile lighting up his face. “Sort of. Not an actual date yet, I suppose, but we’re…she’s my girlfriend.”

“That’s brilliant!”

“Yeah.” James’ hand was still buried in his hair. “You can’t tell anyone, though. She wants to keep it a secret.”

Now Sirius frowned. “Why’s that?”

James flopped on Sirius’ bed with a loud sigh. “She’s worried the junior Death Eaters will target us if they know we’re together.”

“But she’s already a target, isn’t she? I’d think she’d want everyone to know she’s dating a pureblood, it might offer her some protection,” Peter said, shrugging, and James popped up to a seated position to join Remus and Sirius in sending death-glares Peter’s way. “What?” he yelped. “That’s what I’d do, no one’s going to mess with you or your family, James! It’s just common sense.”

“You don’t think they’d target me for dating a Muggleborn?” James snorted derisively. “You’re mental. But I don’t care whether they come after me—”

“Might even be fun,” Sirius offered.

“—but Evans would feel responsible, even though there’s no one to blame but those tossers themselves,” James continued. “And if they attacked _her_ because of _me_ —”

“Then Prongs and I might end up in Azkaban for murder!” Sirius said cheerfully.

Peter huffed out a sigh and folded his arms over his chest, the pose half-resigned and half-defiant. “As if Remus and I would let you fight them without us. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, yeah?” He shuddered. “I’m not built for Azkaban.”

“No one’s built for Azkaban, Pete, that’s sort of the thrust of it,” Remus noted wryly.

“Fair point.” Peter’s blue eyes darted nervously between his three friends before settling on James. “I still don’t think they’d dare target you, though. Pureblood, Head Boy, and your father’s so well-connected—they want you on their side! And you’d never join them if they attacked you.” He paused and added, “Or your girlfriend, even if she is Muggle-born.”

“As if I’d ever join them, anyway!” James yelled, nearly in unison with Sirius and Remus’ shouts of, “He’d never join them, anyway!”

Remus’ face was scrunched-up as though he had just smelled something awful. “What’s the matter with you, Pete?”

“Nothing! I know you’d never join the Death Eaters, that’s not what I meant!” Peter squealed, holding up his hands defensively. “I just meant if they still want to recruit you, they wouldn’t attack you, right?”

“I think they’ve about given up on me joining their ranks,” James said, but his mind flashed unbidden to a memory of Livia inviting him to the Legacy Club. He pushed that thought aside. “According to Lyssa Burke, I’m a blood traitor, remember?”

“And to that lot, a blood traitor is the biggest threat there is,” Sirius added, a bitter note in his voice. “What could be more dangerous than a person of supposedly _equal stature_ who you think ought to be on your side, but isn’t?”

“Yeah, I suppose that’s true,” Peter agreed slowly. He turned to James and with a look of genuine concern. “You know I don’t think you’d ever join You-Know-Who, right? I just thought, if _you_ aren’t safe from him, there’s no hope for the rest of us, is there?”

A deep crease had appeared between Peter’s eyebrows, and the look in his eyes was desperate, pleading. James’ indignation began to fade. “It’s all right, Pete, I’m not upset. But with that lot, you’re either with them or against them, you know? And they know I’m against them.”

“Right,” Remus agreed. “We’re not talking Quidditch rivalries, here, mate. Can’t walk up to a Death Eater at the end of the day and say, ‘I know you think my girlfriend shouldn’t exist—'”

“—and my best mate’s sub-human, let’s not forget—” Sirius interjected.

Remus’ eyes narrowed and he shrugged one shoulder, acknowledging Sirius’ point before he continued, “—‘but let’s let bygones be bygones,’ now, can we?”

“Exactly.” James pounded one fist into the other hand for emphasis. “I may not be their first target, but people I care about are, and I won’t pretend that’s all right with me. So, no, I’m not safe from them, either.” He took a deep breath. “Which brings me back to my original point—Evans and I just think it would be best if we don’t draw any extra attention to ourselves right now, all right? So, please, just act like nothing’s changed between us.”

The boys nodded, murmuring their agreement. Peter still looked serious, but Remus raised an eyebrow and nearly cackled with glee.

“So, act like the raw, sexual energy between the two of you is so hot it’s bound to boil over any second?” he asked, his smile wide and his amber eyes crinkled at the corners. “Got it.”

Any lingering tension in the room broke as Peter and Sirius fell into giggles beside Remus.

James huffed and fought a smile. It was a mark of their closeness that his friends could have a sobering conversation about politics and human rights one minute and revert to taking the piss out of him for being a besotted fool in the next.

They were growing up, and things were changing in the world around them. But in that moment, James had the youthful optimism to believe that things between the four of them, at least, never would.

* * *

When his friends finished teasing him and James returned to the Heads’ dormitories, he was greeted with an unusual sight – Lily’s bedroom door was wide open. She’d never done that before, and James grinned at the thought that she’d left it open as an invitation to him, in honor of their new relationship. He walked over and peeked inside.

His _girlfriend_ – he’d probably always smile at that label – was seated at her desk with a Charms textbook open in front of her, but she appeared to be doodling absently on a piece of parchment, chewing her lip and staring into the distance with unfocused eyes. James grinned. He certainly recognized a ‘bored with schoolwork’ face when he saw one, so leaned against the doorframe and rapped his knuckles twice on the open door. “All right, Evans?”

She started slightly, then looked up from her desk and beamed at him, her green eyes twinkling. “Hey, you.” She bit her lower lip again and her eyes flicked around the room before she said, “Come on in.

James’ smile widened. He walked over to where she was seated and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her lips. She released a contented sigh and her cheeks pinked beautifully, and James wanted to pull her up out of her chair and kiss more of those sounds out of her. Instead, he straightened and mussed his hair. “So, how'd it go with the girls?”

“Fine.” She shrugged, a half-smile still on her lips. “Mary couldn’t resist taking the piss, just a bit, but they're all so happy for us.” 

“The lads, too,” James said with a smile of his own. “And they’ve agreed not to tell anyone for now.”

To his surprise, Lily’s smile drooped. James ran a hand through his hair again. “That’s what you wanted, right?”

“It is,” she acknowledged hesitantly, “but Marley called me a coward.”

“What? Because you don’t want to be give these Death Eater arseholes another target? That’s ridiculous!” James said indignantly. Marlene had always been blunt, but she wasn’t mean. Stinging barbs and snide remarks were not her style, so to hear she’d thrown such a cutting insult Lily’s way was shocking. His protective instincts flared immediately. “I’ll have a word with her. There’s a difference between cowardice and caution, Evans, you know that. You’re Gryffindor through and through—not a cowardly bone in your body!”

Lily flashed him an affectionate smile as thanks for his enthusiastic defense, but then she wrinkled her nose and sighed. “Don’t you dare say anything to her, Potter. I can stand up for myself, if it comes to that. Anyroad, everyone agrees the girls in the so-called Legacy Club would hex me bald—or worse—if they knew I was dating a pureblood prince.”

“You think I’m a prince, eh?”

“Hardly.” She pulled a face before grinning at him. “But you know what I mean.”

“I do. I’m quite the catch.” James nodded pompously and pretended to smooth his collar and straighten an imaginary tie, and Lily giggled. He grinned back. “So, if the girls understand about the Death Eaters, what’s Marley on about?”

“Oh.” Lily looked down, scratching at the corner of her parchment with her quill and refusing to meet James’ eyes. “She said I’m scared to admit…how much I like you.”

“Oh,” James echoed. His face felt warm, and he was suddenly nervous. “Why’d she say that, did you tell them this” –he gestured between them—“was no big deal?” Pompous manner forgotten, he shoved his hands in his pockets and hoped the question sounded casual instead of life-threatening.

“No, of course not!” Lily exclaimed, shooting up out of her chair. She took his hand in hers and squeezed. “I think—given everything that’s happened between us, _this_ ” —and now she gestured between them with a cheeky smile— “is more than a big deal, isn’t it?”

“Well, yeah. I certainly think so,” James said softly, and the feeling of relief that filled his chest was sweeter than oxygen. He tugged his girlfriend a little closer. “But I’m still not understanding what Marlene meant by calling you a coward, then.”

“She thinks I’m embarrassed to be dating you.” Lily frowned and snaked her arms around James’ neck as he slipped his around her waist. “Like I want to save face, or something, because I made such a fuss about not fancying you back in fifth year.” She looked up at him with worried eyes. “But that’s not it, I’m not embarrassed at all. You know that, right?”

“I do.” James lowered his forehead to rest against hers. “You’ve been wonderfully supportive of me this year, Evans, did you know that?”

“Me!?” Lily was so startled she backed out of James’ arms. “I’ve been an indecisive mess, while _you’ve_ been so kind and supportive to _me._ ”

“You’re not a mess.” He chuckled and reached for her again, pulling her back into his chest. “And let’s agree we’ve supported each other, all right?”

“I think that’s debatable on both counts.”

“And I think it isn’t,” James said firmly. “You’re brilliant, and you’ve stood up for me in front of the prefects time and again. You told me we were a team, and you really meant it, even when I’ve acted like a dolt.” The corner of his mouth curved up. “Plus, you always come cheer me on at Quidditch, even though you think my head’s already as big as the moon.”

Lily snorted quietly. “It is. But, fine,” she conceded. “I guess we’ve been there for each other. That is what friends do.”

“Exactly. And we’re a bit more than friends now.” James gave her an exaggerated wink and an impish grin. “So what say we spend some time, er, _being there for each other_ right now?” He pulled her tighter against his body and ducked his head to kiss her low on her cheek, near her ear.

Lily shivered and blushed, but she still managed to roll her eyes. “Merlin, you’re cheesy!” she declared, but she sounded delighted about it. She tilted her head up to kiss his jaw, then closed her eyes and sighed. “Unfortunately, I’m scheduled for rounds tonight, and I’ve got to finish this Charms chapter.”

“Ah, that’s right,” said James, disappointed. “You and Bones, is it?”

“Yep.”

“And I suppose it would be wrong for me to try to trade shifts with him so I could join you?”

She attempted to look stern, but the smile lines around her bright eyes gave her away. “ _Yes_ , that would be wrong. We said we wouldn’t patrol together, didn’t we?”

“I suppose we did.” James sighed. “All right. Duty before pleasure and all that.”

“Words I never thought I’d hear from you,” Lily teased. She curled her fingers in the hair at his nape and looked up at him with a coy expression. “But…If you let me finish my Charms assignment now, maybe I could stop by your room after rounds.”

James’ eyebrows shot up, then his smile turned wicked as he leaned in to press another kiss to Lily’s ear. “Brilliant. I’ll be waiting.”

* * *

As promised, Lily had come to see James after she finished rounds last night, and they’d kissed and petted each other for hours. It had been a little tamer than their exploits on the sofa the other day – everyone stayed fully clothed, this time – but it had been extremely satisfying for the both of them, nonetheless.

His only disappointment was that Lily had refused to spend the night in his room. It felt like she was still holding a part of herself back from him, and he didn’t know why. But she sat next to him when she arrived – late – to breakfast in the morning, and she smiled and only turned a little bit pink when he squeezed her knee under the table. Then they walked together to Charms – with several of their other friends, sure, but Lily gave him a friendly shoulder-bump before they entered the classroom. That was probably the most affection she’d be willing to show in public, for now, and he understood that.

In class, he took a seat closer to Lily than usual, although he didn’t go so far as to claim the desk right next to hers. Such an obvious shift would’ve drawn too much attention, and that was the last thing Lily wanted. Besides, it was easier to look at her without getting caught when she was still a bit in front of him.

And look at her he did.

He didn’t think he’d ever get over how beautiful she was. He could only see her profile, but her chin was raised and her gorgeous eyes, framed by dark lashes, were focused on Professor Flitwick. She tucked her long, auburn hair behind her ear, giving James a clear view of her soft, full cheeks and graceful neck.

He really liked her neck. It looked so delicate, and so pale it was nearly a pearly white. She’d been smart to forbid him from putting any more marks on her, because he really enjoyed nibbling and sucking on that gorgeous patch of skin just beneath her jawline. Her hair smelled amazing and she made the _best_ sounds when his teeth grazed that sensitive spot.

James sucked in a sharp breath and forced himself to look away from Lily’s neck before he got an embarrassingly ironic hard-on in the middle of a lecture about spells to help a wizard keep his thoughts and emotions hidden from others.

As he turned away from his girlfriend, James noticed Snape on the far side of the room. He was staring at Lily, too, but with his eyes narrowed and his lips pressed together so tightly they were nearly invisible. It was a look of quiet fury.

A wave of possessiveness engulfed James immediately. He took a deep breath and tried to quash that feeling – after all, only a month ago he’d been the one telling Snape that Evans was nobody’s trophy. And she wasn’t, even if he felt like champion of the world every time she smiled at him. He would never think he had the right to throw her over his shoulder whilst screaming, “MINE!” at anyone who dared look in her direction, but James couldn’t help wanting to at least reach over and squeeze her shoulder, or even stand up and block her from Snape’s view.

Despite that desire, he thought it would be a real shame for his girlfriend to murder him in their first twenty-four hours together. He stayed put.

But James’ desire to be near Lily—hold her, kiss her, brush her hair out of her face, make her laugh—only got stronger as the day went on. He wanted to shout from the rooftops about this beautiful, brilliant girl who’d come to care about him nearly as much as he did for her, he was almost sure of it. But he could hardly do that when she didn’t even want people to know they were together. She talked to him about Head duties and may have smiled at him a little more than usual, but she was very clearly avoiding even the barest public displays of affection.

It was a little frustrating, but he understood.

Or so he kept telling himself.

During Potions, however, he came up with an idea that would allow him to spend extra time with Lily in public without arousing suspicion. If they were careful, it could almost be like a _date_.

He nearly hopped out of his seat in excitement as his plan came together. Lily noticed him fidgeting and shot him an amused glance, and he winked at her. She shook her head and lowered her gaze to her Potions text, but James could still see the small smile gracing her lips.

After class, he told her to go ahead to lunch without him. She looked surprised, but covered it quickly with a, “Sure, we’ll see you there.” James waved to her and Marlene as they left the room, then set his shoulders and approached Professor Slughorn.

“Ah, Mr. Potter!” the Professor said, looking up from the papers he had stacked neatly on his desk. “To what do I owe this dubious pleasure?”

“Well, sir, I heard that you’re hosting a Slug Club dinner this Friday, and I was hoping I might attend.” James infused as much sincerity and respect into his voice as he could. He didn’t care much for the Slug Club, and had in fact gotten himself banned after an incident in fourth year. But Lily always attended Slughorn’s parties. For a chance to get dressed up and have a fancy meal with her, like a real grown-up date, James could stomach an evening of snobs and social-climbers.

Slughorn narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips for a moment, sizing James up. “I am,” he said finally. He gestured for James to sit. “But you’ve shown no interest in my little gatherings to date, and the one time you _did_ attend you and Mr. Black were only there to create chaos.”

James bit the inside of his cheek and tried to look appropriately contrite, even though, the truth was, he still found the incident hilarious. He lowered himself carefully into the chair opposite Slughorn’s desk and spoke in a solemn tone. “Right, I’m sorry, sir. We meant no harm—we just thought that one woman was a banshee. Laughing potion disarms them, you know. We only meant to be helpful.”

“Helpful! Hmph. You know she wasn’t a banshee, she was merely a very elderly witch, and the Ambassador to Bulgaria on top of it!”

“I know that _now_ , sir.” He widened his eyes innocently. “But we were young and ignorant then.”

“And you didn’t add the potion to her drink alone, you put some in every bottle of mulled wine that was served that evening! Ignorant indeed!” Slughorn said with a snort. “You gravely insulted one guest and made several others laugh so hard they nearly wet themselves! It was an absolute disaster!”

James winced. “It was, sir, and Sirius and I served a month of detentions for it. Plus, you took sixty points from Gryffindor. My housemates wanted to pummel me.”

Professor Slughorn snorted again. “Indeed. So, after all of that, why, in the name of Merlin, would I invite you to attend this Friday’s event?”

James’ brow furrowed as he considered what to say. _Because Pete’s right – I’m a pureblood, and people like you think that makes me important. Because I’m smart and talented, and you’d love to be able to say you played a part in my success, whatever I do next_. _Because you’ve always wanted to cozy up to my father_.

Fleamont Potter’s potioneering talents were legendary – and extremely profitable – but he hadn’t been interested when Slughorn approached him years ago with a business opportunity to mass-produce some popular but potentially dangerous potions for market, including Amortentia, Beautification Potions, and Felix Felicis. Rumor had it that the professor had never gotten over the perceived slight. 

But James had meant it when he told Dumbledore he wouldn’t trade on his father’s name to get favors he didn’t deserve. Instead, he’d rely on the skills that had made him one of the most popular students in school – he’d turn up the charm and heap so much flattery on Slughorn the man might suffocate under its weight.

With that in mind, James sighed and glanced at the floor, pretending he’d been humbled by Slughorn’s censure. “I’ve no right to expect anything from you, sir, I know that. But you’ve seen how much I’ve changed since then, haven’t you? I’ve made excellent marks in your class and haven’t pulled a stunt like that again. And Dumbledore named me Head Boy! That’s got to count for something.”

“Yes, that is true,” the Professor conceded reluctantly. “You’ve always made excellent marks, and by all accounts you’re a very good Head Boy.”

“Well, you’re an excellent teacher, sir. And so well-connected!” James flashed Slughorn a grin. “That’s really why I’m hoping to attend this Friday’s dinner, you see. It’s my seventh year, after all, and I’ll be looking for work soon. I’m hoping you could introduce me to some of your friends from the Ministry of Magic.”

“Bah, you hardly need me for that. You’re Fleamont Potter’s son! You’ll work anywhere you wish.”

“I don’t want someone to hire me simply because of who my father is, sir,” James said, offering his first completely honest statement since his initial request to attend the party. “Besides,” he continued, and now he was stretching the truth again, “he has far fewer friends in the government than you do. I don’t want to be locked away in a laboratory, making potions or other inventions—no offense meant to those who follow that path, sir—I just think I’m better suited to a job that would put my innate charisma and leadership skills to good use.”

James offered the professor his most winning smile and was pleased when Slughorn chuckled. “I’d really like to establish a career of my own,” James went on, speaking as earnestly as he knew how. “Perhaps in the Ministry—and I know your word carries weight there, sir. A recommendation from you would go a long way.”

“Hmm.” Slughorn seemed torn between his mistrust of James and his own ego. He stood a bit taller, his chest puffed out as he stroked his chin, but his eyes were wary as he considered James’ request.

“All right,” he said at last. “Political tides _are_ changing, and if you’re truly interested in working for the Ministry, it is important that you rub elbows with the right people while you’re still at school. Many at the Ministry, not to mention the elders of the old families, fear that our youth don’t value our wizarding institutions anymore. They’ll be pleased to meet a young man who is so interested in pursuing a career in government.” He nodded proudly. “You may attend.”

Inwardly, James rolled his eyes at Slughorn’s talk of “wizarding institutions” and “old families.” No wonder he was the head of Slytherin House. He sounded as snobbish as Livia.

Nonetheless, James tried to look grateful. “Thank you, sir! I truly appreciate your generosity of spirit.”

Slughorn frowned and shook a thick finger in James’ face. “But if I catch so much as a whiff of trouble—not to mention laughing potion!—on Godric’s honor, you’ll serve detention for the rest of the term, Mr. Potter. Do I make myself clear?”

James pressed his hands over his heart and nodded solemnly. “Yes, sir. There will be no trouble, I swear.”

“All right.” Slughorn shook his head in amusement. “Be on your way, then.”

James hurried to lunch with a grin on his face. Lily seemed to sense his presence when he arrived in the Great Hall, because she looked up suddenly, her face lighting up when her eyes landed on him. Her look of pleasure at seeing him made his heart turn a cartwheel in his chest. He gave her a small wave, and she wiggled her fingers at him in return.

There was no seat next to her, so he sat a few seats down on the other side of the table, next to Sirius. Lily raised her eyebrows in curiosity as he lowered himself to the bench, but he just shook his head, still smiling. _Later_ , he mouthed with a wink.

She rolled her eyes, looking fondly exasperated, but then she shrugged and nodded. _Okay_ , she mouthed back.

James barely resisted the urge to blow her a kiss.

After lunch, he waited until they were clear of the Great Hall and their friends had gotten a few steps ahead of them before he grabbed Lily’s hand.

“Hey, Evans,” he said, grinning. “Walk with me for a minute?” She glanced back at him and then down at their clasped hands. To his surprise, she didn’t pull away immediately. Instead, she gave him a coy smile and squeezed his hand tightly for a second before releasing it and bumping him with her shoulder to put a little distance between them.

“Sure,” she said, that impish smile still on her face. “All right, Potter?”

James laughed, sure he could still feel the warmth of her hand in his from that little squeeze. “Sure, I’m all right, Evans. But listen—I finagled an invite to the Slug Club this Friday.” He beamed, but Lily stiffened. He continued, “I’m hoping you’ll go with me.”

Her eyes darted around wildly. “Potter!” she growled. “Not here.” She turned as though she were heading towards the girls’ toilets, but before she made it there she ducked into a supply cupboard off the main corridor and pulled James in with her. She reached around him to yank the door shut behind them, catching it at just the last second to stop it from slamming closed. "Colloportus!" she whispered, and the lock slid into place.

She was glaring at him in the semi-darkness, but the close quarters made James’ mischievous grin grow wider. “Ooh, this is perfect,” he said, grabbing her by the hips and spinning her around so her back was to the cupboard door. He pressed her up against it and heard her breath catch. “Good thinking, Evans.”

“This isn’t why I brought you in here, you know,” Lily said, her tone stern despite her now half-closed eyes and the mere handful of centimeters separating their lips.

“Oh, it isn’t?” Instead of kissing her, James let his lips brush past her cheek and land next to her ear. “Then why did you?”

She growled again and rose up on her toes to nip at his neck. The graze of her teeth sent a shudder through James’ body, and his trousers tightened. “Fuck. Trying to live up to the Tiger nickname, aren’t you?”

“Shut up and come here, already,” she muttered, tangling her fingers in the coarse hair at his nape and pulling his head down until his lips were pressed against hers.

James’ satisfied chuckle turned into a quiet moan as Lily’s tongue tangled with his. His hands moved from her hips, one shifting to her lower back to hold her in place while the other snaked up her torso. His palm skimmed over her breast and she sighed and arched into him, but he kept his hand moving northward until his fingers brushed her cheek. He stroked his thumb along her jawline, his long fingers framing her face, tilting her chin back to better explore her mouth with his own.

“Fuck, Evans,” he murmured, as she pressed the length of her body against him. One hand left her face so he could grab a handful of her luscious bum, and she responded by scraping her fingernails against his scalp and humming with pleasure.

The bite of her hand in his hair and the sweetness of the sound she made shot straight to James’ groin. With the way Lily was pressed against him, he knew she could feel his hardness between them. But instead of backing away, she lifted one leg and hooked it around his calf, bringing their lower halves into even closer contact. James swallowed a groan. “Fuck, Evans,” he repeated.

He felt more than heard her giggle, but after a moment she pulled away slightly, breaking the kiss even as her foot kept teasing his ankle. “We should stop, we’re going to be late to Transfig.”

He bent to kiss her again. “Who cares?” he whispered as their lips touched. She returned the kiss, then tilted her head back again.

“I do! We’re going to be late, and we haven’t even discussed the reason I dragged you in here in the first place.” She pressed her cheek to his shoulder, avoiding his eyes. “James, I’d love to be your date to the Slug Club, but I can’t. You know that.”

“Why not?” He wanted to be irritated, but it was difficult when she was in his arms. The fingers of one of his hands were stroking her spine, apparently of their own volition. He stilled them with great effort. “We could say we’re going as friends. We are friends, after all.”

“Of course we are, but this is different, and you know it.”

“Not that different! As far as anyone will see, we’ll just be two friends sitting next to each other at a dinner party,” he argued, spreading his hands. “Can’t promise my hands won’t roam below the table, but to everyone else, we’ll just appear to be thoroughly enjoying our delicious meal.” His mischievous grin earned him a whack on the shoulder.

“There will definitely be none of that!” Lily exclaimed. “This is why we can’t even go as friends. It’s too risky. I’ll feel your fingers on my thigh under the table, and then—”

“You’ll be dragging me off to a broom cupboard again?”

She shoved his shoulder this time. “No! Unlike some people, I have self-control.”

“Do you, now?” James murmured. “Then what’s the problem?” He slid his hands back around her waist kissed her ear again, and he felt her shiver.

“I do,” she said primly, jerking her head away from him. “And the problem is, you know there will be a bunch of Death Eater hopefuls there. Seems like half of Slytherin falls in that camp these days, and you know Slughorn favors his house.”

“Ugh, I was just thinking that earlier.”

“See? If you know that lot is going to be present, why would you want to risk showing up together?”

“First of all, I wasn’t thinking about that lot, I was just thinking that Sluggy is a Slytherin to his core,” James said, shaking his head. “Ambitious, snooty, and only interested in people who can do something for him.”

“Then why do you want to spend time with him, anyway?”

“I don’t want to spend time with him, I want to spend time with you!” James threw up his hands, then dragged one through his hair with a sigh. “I was only having a laugh before, with the bit about feeling you up under the table. I just thought it would be neat to dress smart and have a drink together, like adults. Even if we’re the only ones there who know we’re _together_ together.”

“I’m not saying we can’t speak to each other at the party, but I don’t think we should arrive together or spend much time chatting with each other. Who knows who may be watching.”

“Just because you enjoy watching me doesn’t mean everyone else does, Evans,” James teased. “I’m hardly that interesting.” He slipped his arms around her body once more and touched his forehead to hers. “I’d just like to be by your side, with you laughing at my brilliant jokes, maybe sharing a bit of eye contact when someone says something particularly absurd. Things like that.”

Lily didn’t crack a smile. She chewed her bottom lip, thinking, then shook her head. “It’s just too risky, James.”

He sighed heavily. “I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing you say my name,” he said softly, and her lips did curve gently upwards at that admission. “But I wish I could change your mind on this. It could be fun.”

She shook her head. “It would be reckless.”

“Fine.” He stepped back and pushed his glasses up his nose, trying to hide his frustration. “Sorry I suggested it.”

Lily softened. “Don’t be. It’s sweet.” She reached up and touched his cheek. “Look, I don’t think you’ll change my mind, but we can talk about this more later. We’ve got to get to class.”

James nodded. He reached around her to open the closet door, his hand brushing her waist as he did so. She grabbed his hand as skimmed past her, giving it a brief squeeze.

“I’ll leave first,” she said quickly. “Since you don’t mind being late, give me a two-minute head start.”

“Alright, Evans.”

They unlocked the door and opened it just a crack so they could peek out. Seeing no one in the corridor immediately in front of them, Lily slipped out of the cupboard and began walking towards the main thoroughfare. Anyone who saw her would assume she’d come from the loo; no one would suspect the Head Girl had been snogging in a supply closet.

Despite his disappointment, that thought made James smile.

About three minutes after Lily had gone, he snuck out of the broom cupboard, too. He decided to cut across the courtyard and catch the moving staircase to the third floor – even though he’d said he didn’t care if he was late, he hated to disappoint Minnie.

Just as he was about to jog across the courtyard, however, he noticed something – or someone – that made him slow his stride.

Severus Snape was lurking behind the large fountain in the shadiest corner of the square. His dark eyes were darting around suspiciously, and James skirted behind a pillar to avoid being spotted. After a few seconds, he peeked out from his hiding spot and crept towards the Slytherin prefect, intent on finding out why he looked even more devious than usual.

As he got closer to the fountain, James realized Snivellus was not alone. Regulus Black was with him. Regulus’ back was to James, but something about his graceful hand movements was so similar to Sirius that James suppressed a shudder. Rather than let himself get too disturbed by this warped version of his best friend, he pulled his mind away from Regulus’ appearance and focused on the two boys’ conversation.

“…received word that there will be a meeting in Hogsmeade on Friday,” Snape was saying in a low voice, “where we can learn more about the proposed restrictions on Muggleborns working in government and how we can do our part to further the cause.”

Regulus rolled his wrist impatiently, and James could picture the haughty eye-roll that went with it. “I know that already, Severus. You really should join the Legacy Club, the Burkes have all the inside information.”

Snape’s face was mask-like. “I’m not sure I’d be welcomed.”

“Of course you would,” Regulus said dismissively. “There are loads of half-bloods. The club isn’t about blood purity anyway, not exactly. It’s about protecting magic and wizarding ideals. Anyone who recognizes the natural social order, with the most powerful wizards on top, is welcome.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re a Black. Handsome, talented, and heir to a fortune, ever since your disgrace of a brother got disowned for his…lifestyle choices.”

There was a pause, and James wondered if Regulus would come to Sirius’ defense. But after a moment, the younger boy shrugged one shoulder. “Actually, my idiot brother and Potter have been invited to the Legacy Club because they’re purebloods, but if they started sharing their beliefs about ‘Muggle equality,’ they’d be shunned by all the people who matter.” He took a deep breath and waved a hand as if he’d wasted enough time talking about his brother. “But a half-blood like you, someone who recognizes wizard superiority, would fit in just fine.”

“Perhaps.” Snape sounded unsure, but he fixed his face into a sneer and folded his thin arms over his equally thin chest. “Regardless, Lucius contacts me directly, so I don’t need the Burkes and their so-called ‘ _inside information_.’”

Regulus shook his head and clapped a patronizing hand onto Snape’s shoulder. “You can never have too many friends, Severus.”

“I suppose not,” Snape agreed in a clipped tone, shrugging Reg’s hand off his shoulder. Regulus chuckled.

“Just think about it,” he said. He tilted his head in acknowledgement and stepped away from the other boy. “I’ll see you at Borgin & Burke’s on Friday.”

James ducked safely back behind the pillar before he could get caught by the plotting Slytherins. He wasn’t sure how Regulus would react, but Snape would try to make him pay in blood if he realized that they’d been spied on, and by whom.

Once he was sure that they were walking in the other direction, James snuck out of his hiding place and slipped back into the castle. He buried a hand in his hair as he half-jogged to the Transfiguration classroom. _A meeting for Voldemort supporters on Friday_ , he thought. _We need to find out what they’re up to_.

His steps slowed to a reluctant walk. The “we” he was thinking of was himself and Lily, but that was a terrible idea. She had been more than clear about not wanting to make herself or James a target for the soon-to-be Death Eaters, and nothing would draw their attention faster than if the Head Students started asking questions about Voldemort’s plans.

In fact, Lily probably wouldn't even consider investigating them herself, would she? She would most likely tell James they ought to go to Dumbledore and let him handle it.

James furrowed his brow. He probably _should_ tell Dumbledore. The man was one of Voldemort’s most vocal opponents, and surely he’d want to know if students were being recruited to the Dark side.

But Dumbledore would definitely tell James not to leave the castle on Friday, and, despite his penchant for rule-breaking, James did hate to disobey a direct order. Especially now that he was Head Boy.

He shook his head. It was important that someone see what the Death Eaters were up to, and there was no guarantee Dumbledore would treat this upcoming meeting with the urgency it deserved. Snape and Regulus hadn’t said Voldemort’s name, after all. They hadn’t even mentioned Death Eaters. Dumbledore already had shown a lack of concern about the Legacy Club and Livia’s bigotry when James confronted him weeks ago. Without clear proof that Snape and Regulus were doing more than celebrating “wizard ideals,” Dumbledore might ignore them, too.

James took a deep breath. That settled it. He knew what he had to do.

 _Ask forgiveness, not permission_ , he thought as he resumed his trot to McGonagall’s classroom.

The only question left was whether the forgiveness he would need to seek later would be from Dumbledore alone, or from his girlfriend, as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it was worth the wait! I struggled with this chapter, but I ended up really liking it. Let me know what you think :) Smut and Drama on the way...


	21. In which Lily & James Are Feeling a Disconnect...Except in Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and James are still trying to navigate their secret relationship. Angst and Smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is smutty. If you don't like smut...this is probably not the story for you? I kid, I kid - it's not all smut! But it you don't like that part, stop reading at the third page-break/dividing line (after the word "groovy"). You'll still understand where things are enough to follow the next chapter.
> 
> Thank you, as ever, to LittleJeannieBean and midnightelite for being such wonderful beta readers, and to all the others who are so kind and supportive and motivate me to keep writing!

In their shared lounge on Monday evening, Lily and James discussed the Slug Club party again. They sat facing each other on the sofa in the Heads’ lounge, holding hands. Lily’s expression was weary; James’ was hopeful. She had a bit of a headache and didn’t really feel like rehashing this issue, but she knew she owed it to her boyfriend to hear him out.

“We’re friends, Evans,” he said, squeezing her hands. “Separate from our relationship.”

“I know that, James.”

“So, friends walking into a social gathering together, and talking to each other during said social gathering, is not out of the ordinary. There is no risk we’ll get ‘caught’ or whatever it is you’re worried about.”

Lily huffed out a frustrated sigh. “That’s exactly what I’m worried about! Do you really think we’d be able to walk in together, sit next to each other, talk all evening, and _not_ act like we’re dating? Because according to our friends, even before we were together, we were doing a terrible job of hiding our feelings.”

His lips quirked in a familiar, lopsided grin, one that made Lily want to smile, too. “It’s not my fault you’re so attracted to me. You really should work on your self-control,” he said gravely. Lily rolled her eyes, and he beamed. “But that’s all the more reason we can go in together. It’ll be no different than it’s been for the past month.”

Her expression tightened. The past month, during which Rookwood had called her a mudblood and many people had called James a blood traitor. When pureblood students had started a club quietly promoting wizard supremacy, and when they were bullying other students because of who their parents were. Lily could think of any number of students who thought she needed to be knocked down a peg; she could imagine James dueling Slytherins in the corridors and losing his Head Boy badge defending her honor. She pictured Burke’s sneer and Avery’s cold stare; she imagined Severus using Dark Magic against James – because of her.

She shook her head.

“We can’t,” she said softly. “The more they see us together, the more they’ll target us and try to undermine us. The Slytherins barely have any respect for me as Head Girl as it is; can’t you see that this will only make things harder on us?”

Annoyingly, Sirius’ voice echoed through Lily’s head. _Are you doing this so no-one gets hurt, or so_ you _don’t get hurt?_

But this was different. This really was for James’ safety as much as her own – and not just theirs. Hiding their relationship would protect James’ family, their friends. It would help maintain order and stability among _all_ the students of Hogwarts. He had to understand that.

Maybe he did, because he sighed in resignation. “All right, Evans. We won’t attend the Slug Club party together.” He buried a hand in his thick hair. “I won’t mention it again.”

Lily nodded in relief. Still, there was something odd in his tone, something she couldn’t place. Almost…a warning?

What he might be warning her about, she had no idea.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. James had been nothing but kind and generous towards her all year. In fact, being with him was nothing short of magic. She trusted him not to endanger or embarrass her.

With a small smile, Lily leaned forward to gently kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”

He smiled back, but the light in his eyes looked dimmer than usual.

* * *

Whatever Lily may or may not have seen in his eyes Monday evening, by morning Tuesday, James seemed fine. He sat across from Lily at breakfast and pointedly ignored her, except for the occasional wink, all the while teasing her ankles with the toes of his shoes under the table and making her blush. On the way to Herbology, once they were outside of the castle, James left Lily’s side to race Sirius to the greenhouse using some sort of Springing Spell that allowed them each to take great, bounding leaps and cover meters with every step. The other seventh-year Gryffindors just cheered them on. When he walked Lily to Arithmancy, as he had taken to doing even before they’d started dating, he relived his race against Sirius (“I should’ve secured my glasses before we started”) and chatted aimlessly about Head duties. The smile he gave her when she squeezed his hand in goodbye could have lit up a room.

All was well. She felt fine, James felt fine, and everything was fine between them. They didn’t need to flaunt their relationship.

While Lily was in Arithmancy, James had Defense of Dark Arts. After that, she had DADA while he had Art class. They often passed each other in the corridors in the thirty minutes between those lessons, and they’d usually stop for some light banter before heading their separate ways. As she approached the DADA classroom today, however, James was nowhere to be found.

It was a bit disappointing – seeing his smile could make a bad day seem good and a good day even better. But she’d seen him barely two hours ago, and she knew she would see him later, so it didn’t much matter.

She had almost reached the classroom door when, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a dark blur to her left. When she glanced over, James and Sirius had appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, deep in conversation. Neither boy noticed her right away.

“…Christmas crackers, in case we need a diversion,” Sirius was saying.

“Good idea,” James said, nodding approvingly.

Lily side-stepped in front of them and waved a hand in their faces. “‘Lo! A diversion for what?” she asked, glancing around. “And where did you come from?”

The boys started in surprise. Sirius recovered first. “Evans!” he exclaimed, wearing his most charming smile. “How do, love?”

James looked slightly guilty, his hand jumping to his hair and his eyes not quite meeting hers. Lily ignored them both for a moment, her own gaze fixed on a large tapestry hanging to her left depicting two angry centaurs reared back on their hind legs. She glanced at the boys again, then, on a hunch, walked over and peeked around the edge of the huge wall hanging.

Sure enough, it concealed a nook about the size of a cupboard, an indentation barely eight feet tall and three feet deep in the stone wall. Perfect place for a couple of mischievous students to scheme away from prying eyes. Add a simple muffling charm and a bit of a disillusionment charm, and a person could walk up to admire the tapestry without ever noticing anyone was hiding right behind it.

Lily folded her arms over her chest. “What are you two up to?”

“Nothing,” said James, offering her quick shake of his head and a crooked smile. “All right, Evans?”

“I’m all right. You?”

“Just cracking, thanks!” Sirius said. He slung an arm around her shoulder. “Glad that lesson’s over, honestly. _Reading_ about poisons and how they’re categorized is dead boring, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but it’s not like we can do a practical lesson on poison,” James said reasonably. “Professor Pearl can’t very well poison a student to demonstrate the effects or how long you have to administer the antidote.”

“Too bad. I’d volunteer Mulciber for the experiment.”

Lily snickered, but she was not so easily distracted. She gestured at the wall art. “Still doesn’t explain why you two were hiding over there, or why you might need a diversion.”

“We weren’t, and we don’t,” said Sirius brightly. Lily glared at him, and he chuckled. “Duckie, it’s best you don’t know, as Head Girl. Plausible deniability, and all.”

“Then James shouldn’t be involved either, should he?”

James looked alarmed, but Sirius barked out a laugh. “It’s nothing so bad. I’m planning something for Pete. We’ve got a prank war going, you know.”

“Oh, yes, I’ve heard.” Lily shook her head, concerns somewhat assuaged. “It’s not dangerous, is it?”

“‘Course not! I don’t want to hurt the little fellow, just scare the pants off him.” He grinned wickedly.

“All right. I suppose he’s earned it, after the thing with the Frost Salamander.” Lily rolled her eyes and smiled. “I’ve got to get to class, I’ll see you later. Try to stay out of trouble?”

“Who, me?” Sirius dropped his arm from around her shoulder and winked at her before strolling away.

She shook her head and turned to James. Oddly, he still looked nervous. She put a hand on his arm and smiled. “You probably shouldn’t be involved in Sirius and Peter’s prank war, but it’s not that big of a deal. I trust you won’t let him do anything too terrible.”

“Right, of course,” James said hastily. He offered her an awkward smile. “Well, I’ll see you later, Evans.” He leaned towards her as if to kiss her cheek but stopped abruptly. Instead, he gave her a half-hearted wave over his shoulder as he turned and followed Sirius down the corridor.

“Bye,” Lily mumbled.

She tried not to pout over his failure to give her a parting hug. He was only doing what she’d asked. What was best for the both of them.

She just hadn’t expected it to feel so unsatisfying.

* * *

That sense of unsatisfaction lingered through supper that evening, where James shot Lily a quick smile when she sat down but didn’t engage her in conversation. Granted, he, Marlene, and Sirius were deep into a discussion about Hufflepuff’s chances against Slytherin this coming weekend, and Lily and Mary soon began talking about whether suede fringed jackets were still fashionable. But when she asked him to pass her the pumpkin juice and he did it without even turning in her direction, Lily couldn’t help wondering if maybe he was trying to punish her just a bit for demanding secrecy.

When they returned to their dormitory after supper, she followed him to his bedroom. “Is everything all right, James?”

James blinked and mussed the back of his hair. “Of course, Evans.”

“You seemed quiet at dinner.”

He shrugged. “I’m just trying to navigate this course you’ve set for us, you know? Trying not to touch you goes against my every instinct.” The corner of his mouth curved upward in amusement. “Sorry if I’ve overcorrected, I’m certainly not trying to ignore you.”

“No, I didn’t think you were,” Lily said quickly, even though she sort of had. “And I’m the one who’s sorry, I know I’m making things difficult.”

A look of annoyance flitted across James’ face. Then he plastered on a fake smile and asked, in a politely neutral tone, “Then why are you doing it?”

Lily bristled. “I’ve already told you why!”

“You don’t want us to make ourselves an easy target, but who cares if they target us? We’re already targets!”

“Not as much as we would be if we walked the halls holding hands! I don’t want us to have to fight them, James. I thought you understood that!” she snapped. “I want us to be safe, I want to enjoy our time together without looking over my shoulder, or—”

“You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry,” James interrupted, waving his hands. “I said I wouldn’t mention it again.” He shook his head and smiled resignedly. “I can’t say I love not being able to greet you with a kiss between classes, but I don’t want to argue with you, Evans. Let’s just enjoy the time we have, like you said.”

He was still smiling, but the light in his eyes had dimmed, just like yesterday. She was frustrated, too, but she could see no alternative. She’d fight every Death Eater in England if it came to that, but there was no reason to seek out trouble now.

She sighed. “You’re right. I don’t want to fight, either.” Because she was sincere, she resisted the urge to fold her arms stubbornly across her chest. Instead, she glanced around the room, her gaze eventually settling on James’ Victrola. She smiled fondly at the old record player, then turned back to James with an apology in her eyes. “Shall we listen to some music?” she asked.

She hadn’t meant it as a euphemism, but between the two of them, listening to music had only ever led to one thing. James grinned.

“Sure, Evans. What’d you have in mind?”

The sight of that crooked grin lifted a weight from Lily’s chest. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around James’ waist, sighing with contentment when he returned the hug. “I’m not sure,” she said, with her cheek still pressed to her boyfriend’s chest. “But maybe I’ll run to my room and grab a record or two and my pajamas? Does that sound all right?”

“Yeah.” James held her even tighter. “That sounds groovy.”

* * *

In her room, Lily sighed. She felt like she and James weren’t understanding each other, for some reason, but at least they’d agreed not to argue anymore tonight.

She flipped through her record collection, not sure what she was in the mood for, or what would improve the mood between her and James. The first stack of records included two albums by the Hollies, who she had loved when she was a bit younger, Elton John’s _Yellow Brick Road_ , and an Olivia Newton-John record she must have taken from Petunia by mistake. The second stack held the Beatles’ classic _Abbey Road_ , followed by Paul McCartney’s latest record with the Wings. The next two records were Cat Stevens and Simon and Garfunkel, and Lily realized that she must have brought some albums from her dad’s collection.

To her surprise, it was sort of nice to have those records, reminders of the things her father enjoyed. She continued to poke through the stack, pausing when she landed on a Stevie Wonder album. Her dad had loved Stevie Wonder, called him a musical genius. He’d really enjoyed his most recent work, especially the song “Isn’t She Lovely?”, which had been covered by a British artist to great acclaim (“No-one’s voice is as pure as Stevie’s, though,” Mr. Evans had said). But his all-time favorite was an album from several years ago, which included the song, “You Are the Sunshine of My Life.” He said it reminded him of Lily’s mum.

That was the album Lily had here at school. She hadn’t listened to it since her father had died, and she wondered if she was ready to do it now.

She probably wasn’t ready. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be “ready.” But she was sure, suddenly, that she wanted to share this little piece of her father with James.

Lily changed into her duck pajamas, then picked up the record and returned to James’ room.

He smiled when she entered. “What have you got for us?”

She held out the record hesitantly. “Stevie Wonder, do you know him?”

James shook his head and took the album from her hand. “ _Talking Book_ ,” he read, shrugging. “All right, shall we give it a go?” He stood and walked over to the old record player and turned it on.

Lily sat cross-legged on his bed. “He was one of my da’s favorites,” she said softly. “I really like him, too, but I don’t know if listening to it is going to make me smile, or cry, or what. I just want to hear it. Okay?”

“Of course, Evans.” James set the needle on the record and returned to the bed. He put an arm around Lily’s shoulders as the first song, her dad’s favorite song, began to play.

She took a deep breath and pulled her knees up to her chest, then curled her body against her boyfriend’s firm torso. The opening notes of the song brought a smile to her lips, and it didn’t leave, even as the singer promised to always be there for his love. The line “Forever you’ll stay in my heart,” felt like a message especially for her, something her father would have wanted her to hear. By the time Wonder reached the second verse, there were tears in Lily’s eyes. But she didn’t feel that searing pain or shocking emptiness, like someone had ripped her insides out. Instead, her heart felt full.

“I see why he liked it,” James said as the song ended. “It’s lovely.”

Lily nodded. “Play it again?” she whispered, wiping tears from her cheeks.

When the song ended for the second time, Lily sighed and sank into the comfort of James’ arms, her body finally relaxing. She felt…safe.

“I’m lucky to have you,” she said quietly, her head resting against James’ shoulder. He squeezed her tighter. With a sad smile, she tilted her face up towards his and softly kissed his cheek, then a bit lower on his jaw. He turned to meet her next kiss, and they continued giving each other gentle kisses, some long, some short, and nibbling each other’s lips for the next several minutes.

James pulled his mouth from hers long enough to brush his lips across her forehead. With his eyes focused intently on hers, he stroked his thumb back and forth over her cheek. “All right, Evans?”

Lily nodded.

A softer version of his usual tilted grin appeared on his lips. “Good,” he murmured, as he leaned in for another kiss.

With a bit of effort, he maneuvered them both so they were laying down. One of his hands was still on her cheek, but the other roamed up and down her body, caressing her stomach under her jumper and skimming the underside of her breasts. He slid his hand down to the waistband of her pajamas, and she lifted her hips so he could slide them off.

Duck trousers removed, James slipped his hand inside Lily’s pants and began gently stroking the vee of hair where her thighs met. She spread her legs wider, pulling his face down to hers for a hungry kiss when his fingers dipped between her folds. He groaned against her lips. Soon, he was expertly working two long fingers inside of her while his thumb circled her clit. She climaxed with a sigh, his name on her tongue.

James was looking at her with that mix of awe and pride he always had on his face after making her come. Physically sated and yet wanting more of him, somehow, Lily pushed his shoulders until he was on his back and crawled on top of him. She pressed her chest to his as she kissed him, her tongue flicking at the corners of his mouth and then sliding against his when he opened to her. He returned the kisses with equal passion, his tongue teasing and twisting with hers only to be withdrawn as he sucked on her lower lip. Instinctively, they began grinding their hips together, seeking that sweet friction in all the right places.

She was in her knickers and a jumper, but James still had his t-shirt and trousers on. Lily could feel the ridge of his erection clearly through the rough fabric, and she could feel herself climbing towards a second orgasm. She sighed into his mouth as she wriggled against him, and he clutched her bum and groaned. And then, suddenly, his whole body stiffened beneath her and he let out a long, low, “Fuuuuuuck.”

Lily hadn’t stopped rolling her hips against his, but she froze in place as he swore. He sat up quickly and lifted her from his lap, dumping her on the bed beside him.

“Sorry, shit, sorry, Evans,” he said, breathing heavily. She gave him a quizzical look – and that’s when she noticed the wet spot on the front of his trousers.

“Oh!” She wasn’t sure what to say, and James’ cheeks were flushed red. “Did I—did you—”

“Yes,” he moaned. He fell back to the bed and covered his face with his arms. “I came in my trousers.”

He was so adorable, Lily wanted to giggle. She managed not to, though, and simply said, “James, it’s all right. It’s quite flattering, honestly.”

He moaned again, and this time Lily did giggle. She climbed back on top of him, unconcerned about the stickiness of his trousers, and removed his folded arms from his face. “It’s all right,” she repeated, and leaned in for a kiss to prove it. She nuzzled against his neck and murmured, “I like that you’re hot for me.”

“How could I not be?” James sat up again and flipped her over, kissing her through her giggles. He ran his hands down her body and squeezed her bare thighs. Soon, they were snogging again. And soon after that, James made sure Lily got her second orgasm.

She went to sleep in his bed with a smile on her face.

* * *

At breakfast the next morning, Lily could hardly look at James without blushing and smiling to herself. It was brilliant to know that he reacted to her body as strongly as she did to his. She felt proud. Powerful. Staring at his dazed expression last night, his parted lips and heaving chest after he finished, she understood why he enjoyed pleasuring her so much. All she could do when she looked at him was imagine doing that for him again.

She must not have been subtle in her daydreaming, because at one point, Sirius threw a piece of toast at her from across the table. When she glared at him, he smirked. “Sorry, thought you might be hungry. The way you were looking at Prongs, and all.”

James had shoved him playfully and their friends had just chuckled. But Lily resolved to be more aware of herself in the future. It wouldn’t always be their friends who were watching.

Fortunately for her, James was seated at an angle behind her in Charms class, so she didn’t have to worry about staring at him. And without his face to distract her, she actually had a chance to pay attention to what Professor Flitwick was saying.

“Today, we’re going to learn about Legilimency,” Flitwick announced as the students settled into their seats. “You all should have already read the chapter, earlier in the term, but today we’re going to delve a bit more into this spell and why it’s so dangerous.”

“Sounds like fun,” Sirius murmured from the back of the room.

“It’s not meant to be fun, Mr. Black,” Flitwick squeaked sternly. “Now, Muggles would describe this spell as mind reading, but that terminology is not accurate. What Legilimency allows is for the caster to see things that have been stored in the subject’s memory and how the subject organizes his or her thoughts, which objects or ideas are closely associated in the subject’s mind. This is not the same as knowing precisely what someone is thinking, but with practice and skill, a talented Legilimens may be able to piece together a subject’s concerns, plans or ideas based on what he finds inside the subject’s mind.”

The tiny professor peered at them from atop his stool, his eyes conveying the sincerity of his words. “This is a very powerful spell, and very dangerous if misused. You’re not to use this to take a peek into the mind of a young lady to find out if she fancies you back or to prove your roommate nicked your last chocolate frog. This spell is only to be used by those who are of age under controlled circumstances. What are the three C’s of mind magic?”

“Consent, Certainty, and Caution,” the students chorused.

“Very good.” Flitwick nodded. “There are very, _very_ few circumstances that authorize the use of Legilimency without consent. In fact, because the temptation for misuse is so strong, I won’t even be teaching you how to perform the spell in this class.”

A disgruntled murmur swept through the room.

“It’s important that you understand the theory, if for no other reasons than to help you recognize it should it be employed against you,” Flitwick continued. “And if any of you go into careers in Magical Law Enforcement it will be helpful for you to have this basic knowledge. But you’re not to attempt this spell on anyone whilst at school.”

Dorcas frowned. “You make it sound like Dark magic, sir.”

“Outside of the Unforgiveable Curses, very few spells are inherently Dark,” Flitwick said, his high-pitched voice solemn. “But many spells can be put to Dark uses. Legilimency is no different.”

Snape raised his hand, a shrewd expression on his face. “Professor Dumbledore is an accomplished Legilimens, isn’t he, sir?”

“Indeed,” Flitwick said, nodding. “In his position as Headmaster, he is authorized to use the spell when he deems it necessary.”

“Oh? What happened to consent?” Vanity Parkinson called, eyebrows raised.

“Law enforcement figures and certain other authorities are permitted to use this spell without consent under certain circumstances. But they are highly trained professionals, fully aware of their ethical obligations.”

Lily felt something poke her in the shoulder. She turned around and found James leaning forward, grinning at her.

“Good thing no one’s using this spell on you, Evans,” he whispered. “Then they’d find out how much of your time you spend thinking about me.”

She pulled a face, hoping it hid her growing smile. She only wished she could deny it.

* * *

Lily didn’t get to satisfy her hunger for James that evening. They snogged a bit, but due to an emergency with the prefects and Lily’s need to revise Arithmancy, they didn’t have the time to explore each other as fully as she would have liked. On Thursday, Quidditch practice ran late, and James still had homework to do when he got back to the dorm. Lily stayed in his bed again, but she’d been asleep before he joined her.

By Friday, she was so randy she worried she might spontaneously combust.

Somehow, she survived the day. When Transfiguration ended, she was nearly giddy with the thought of going back to their rooms and peeling James’ clothes off. But when she asked him to walk with her and Dorcas back to the dorms, he shook his head.

“I told Sirius I’d meet him when he gets out of Wizard Lit,” he said with an apologetic half-smile. “But I’ll see you later, Evans?”

“Of course!” Lily tried not to look disappointed. She raised her eyebrows, remembering the ongoing prank war. “Just, please, don’t hurt yourselves, or anyone else.”

“We won’t.” He winked before he turned and jogged away, calling over his shoulder, “I solemnly swear!”

“You know, that’s never as comforting as you think it is!” she yelled after him, but he only laughed and waved good-bye.

Upon Dorcas’ request, Lily spent the next hour or so in the girls’ dormitory, poring over magazines and listening to Evelyn wax poetic about Sturgis Podmore. When she finally couldn’t take it anymore, she begged off, telling the girls she needed a nap before Slughorn’s party.

“James keeping you up all night?” Evelyn asked with an impish smile.

“No,” Lily said, blushing. _I wish_. Dorcas looked at her curiously, but Lily shook her head and smiled. “I’ll see you girls tomorrow.”

James still wasn’t upstairs when she arrived. She sat in her room, sucking on a sugar quill and trying to read to pass the time. It didn’t work. She jumped at every sound and kept checking the clock, impatient for his return.

No one had ever affected her this way before, driven her absolutely mad with lust. It was sort of unnerving.

But it was also completely all right, in a way – because it was James. In the intimate moments they shared, James treated her body like it was an intricate puzzle he had all night to solve. He reacted to every whisper, whimper, or sigh, every clenched muscle and every twitch of her legs. His intense hazel eyes tracked her every motion, and his strong, sure hands moved as if to memorize her body. She couldn’t help wanting more, and wanting him to feel as important and admired as she did.

When she finally heard the door to the Heads’ Common Room open just after five, she ran out of her room and greeted her boyfriend with a long, heated kiss.

James kissed her back with just as much enthusiasm. When they broke apart, he looked down at her with a smile. “All right, Evans?”

She offered a smile of her own. “Yeah, I’m all right. Just missed you.”

“Missed me?” James’ eyes were sparkling. “We’ve been apart for two hours.”

“Felt longer,” she said, running her hands down his chest. “Did you have fun with Sirius?”

His gaze flicked around the room before he answered. “Yeah, it was all right.”

“Hmm.” She pursed her lips in mock-sternness and put a hand on her hip. “I won’t ask you for details.”

He grinned. “Good.”

She laughed and shook her head. “Well, are you busy now?”

“Erm…not ‘til the Slug Club, I suppose.”

“Brilliant.” She grabbed him by both hands and began pulling him towards his room. “You’re mine ‘til then.”

James tensed slightly. Lily turned to look at him. His crooked smile was still in place, but there was disappointment in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine, really.” They made it to his room, and he sat down on the bed and laced his fingers through hers. “So, what did you want to do for the next couple of hours?”

“Well…” Lily stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her lower back. She buried her fingers in his thick hair and tipped his head back, then pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He hummed softly, his hands drifting to her bum. Her lips moved slowly over his, then low on his cheek, then to his jaw. And then she whispered, “I want to make you come.”

James lifted his head so quickly his glasses slipped off and knocked Lily in the face. She flinched. “Sorry!” He reached up to adjust them, then put his hands on Lily’s hips. “But Evans, you can’t just say things like that!”

Her giggle was playful. “Why not? You’re always so focused on pleasuring me. I want to do the same for you.”

“I get tons of pleasure out of touching you.”

“You know what I mean.” Her eyebrows drew together in her concern. “Do you not want me to?”

“It’s not that.” James pulled her closer and pressed his face into her chest. Despite her concern, she giggled again. In a voice muffled by her breasts he said, “If you actually touch me, I don’t think I’ll last very long. You saw what happened the other day!”

“There’s nothing wrong with that! Maybe I’d feel differently if—” _we were having sex_ , she thought, and blushed. She started over. “I don’t care if you finish quickly. I like that I make you hot.”

“Too hot! I’ve been trying to—” now James was blushing “—build up a sort of tolerance, you know? Get used to seeing and touching your body so I don’t come the very second you get undressed.” He buried his face in her breasts again and groaned.

“James! It’s really all right. I don’t care how long it lasts, as long as it’s good for you.” She bit her bottom lip to hide a smile. “I thought it might be nice, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You’re not.” He raised his eyes to meet hers. “And it would be nice, more than nice, I’m sure.”

“So…can I touch you then? With my hands? And you’ll show me what feels best?”

James nodded slowly.

“Good.” She smiled. “But first, can I kiss you?”

“Any time you want to, Evans.”

In the back of her mind, she noted the hint of irony in his words, but she ignored it as she leaned in and kissed him slowly, kissing away their nerves and building up to the passion they always felt when they were together. Small kisses, nibbling at each other’s lips, flicking their tongues out for little tastes. As they kissed, Lily hiked up her skirt and crawled onto James’ lap.

He quickly pulled away and stood up, picking her up with him. She squealed and wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. With a smirk, he spun around so that her back was to the bed and then gently laid her down on it, with his body over hers. “If you really want to touch me, you can’t sit on me like that right now.”

“All right.” She smiled as they resumed kissing. They were practically glued together from chest to pelvis, and she was certain she could feel the searing heat between their bodies. She felt James grow hard, his erection pressing against her mound.

She had kept her hands tangled in James’ hair to this point, but now she reached between them and gently squeezed the bulge she could feel pressing into her. He hummed against her mouth, his hips jerking as she began caressing him through his trousers. Soon, she brought her other hand between their bodies to fiddle with the buttons on his fly. He stopped moving his hips, and she paused and looked up at him; his pupils were wide, darkening his hazel eyes, and his expression was desperate and tense as he struggled to maintain control.

Lily smiled, hoping he saw as much longing and adoration in her eyes as she did in his. She finished opening his trousers and pushed them down below his bum, then reached through the opening in his boxer shorts to grab his erection. He sucked in a sharp breath, his hips rocking forward again. She squeezed, enjoying the feel of his thickness in her hand, the silky-smooth skin covering the stiff length. James groaned with pleasure and rolled onto his back. Lily propped herself up on her side, her head resting in one hand while the other continued exploring. He watched her intently, his eyes flickering between her half-closed eyes, her parted lips, and her hand moving beneath his pants.

She suddenly felt shy. Silly to be shy now, maybe, with his manhood in her hands, but she hadn’t touched him this way before. And he was staring like he’d never seen anything so amazing. She wanted him to keep looking like that. She didn’t want this experience to be disappointing.

As if he understood, James reached over and ran one hand over the curve of her hip, then gave her bum a gentle, reassuring squeeze. He kissed her, open-mouthed and hungrily. Then he placed his hand over hers and began guiding it up and down in a slow, smooth motion. As she picked up a rhythm he liked, he let his hand fall away, and she continued stroking him on her own.

“You can squeeze harder,” he murmured, so she did. He moaned, thrusting hard into her hand. He grabbed her hand again and moved it higher, until her palm covered the tip of his erection. When she slid it back down his shaft, it was sticky with pre-come. James moaned again.

“That’s it, Lil. Do that again.”

She did, working him with long, firm strokes from the base to the head. When she swiped her thumb over the head while working the shaft, James’ hips bucked wildly.

“ _Fuck, Lil_ ,” he panted. “Lick your hand for me?”

Lily withdrew her hand from his shorts and then slowly, teasingly licked her palm. She tasted the slight saltiness of his pre-come and could smell his scent on her hands. Her core clenched in response.

James whimpered, his own hand delving into his boxers to pump his erection as he watched her. “Do that again?”

She did. He hissed and grabbed her wrist, pulling her hand away from her mouth and back to his pants. She gripped him without hesitation and began working her now-slick hand up and down his length in hard, fast strokes.

James’ breathing was harsh, and Lily could see every muscle in his neck, chest, and stomach tightening as he approached his peak. “Fuck, Lil,” he choked out. “Fuck. I’m going to come.”

Lily could feel her own pulse throbbing between her legs. She kept stroking James, tightening her grip on his erection just a bit more, and he exploded with an impassioned cry. She felt the slick, warm evidence of his climax cover her hand and saw the wet spot on his boxer shorts. His hips thrust upward a couple more times before he relaxed on the bed with a sigh. Lily gave him a final squeeze before withdrawing her hand.

“That was brilliant,” James said in an awed whisper, leaning over to plant a firm kiss on Lily’s lips. He rolled away to grab his wand off the nightstand and cast a quick cleaning spell over her hand and himself, then pulled her towards him. “And _now_ you can safely be on top of me.”

She almost sighed in relief. Instead, she giggled, as much at her own desperation as anything else, and clambered on top of him.

Straddling his pelvis, she crossed her arms and gripped the hem of her shirt to pull it over her head. James made an appreciative sound and placed his hands on her hips. Lily bent to kiss him, whispering against his ear, “Take off my bra.”

His fingers skated up her spine until they reached the clasp on her bra. He managed to release it on his second attempt, and Lily sat up again to let the straps slide down her arms and the cups fall away from her body. Her nipples were tight and so rosy they were nearly red. James skimmed his thumbs across them and smiled when Lily sighed and arched her back in response.

He sat up quickly, his hands still on her back, holding her body against his. He began kissing her again, trailing kisses down her neck and to her chest, before finally taking one of her breasts in his mouth.

Lily moaned as the new sensation sent ripples of pleasure coursing through her. She inhaled sharply, then bit her lip to suppress any further sounds. She hadn’t meant to moan so loudly, but she hadn’t expected his mouth to feel so good. The way he usually rubbed and caressed her breasts with his hands felt amazing and turned her on like little else, but this gentle sucking was pushing her close to orgasm.

She began to rock her hips against his and felt him harden beneath her. Her head fell back as he continued to tease one breast with his mouth and the other with his hand. The pressure was building inside her, her inner muscles clenching as if grabbing for the hardness she could feel through the layers of their pants. As she continued to grind against him, James swept his tongue across the stiff peak of her nipples, first one and then the other. Clutching his head to her chest, she shook and whimpered as her orgasm ripped through her like an earthquake.

They stayed there for a moment, James’ head buried between Lily’s breasts, his hands holding her arse. She was breathing heavily, her nipples still sensitive and her core fluttering as she rode out the aftershocks of her climax.

“Oh, my God,” she mumbled, when she felt she could speak again. “That was amazing.”

“You’re telling me.” James leaned back on the bed, pulling her down with him. They kissed lazily for a few moments, then Lily lay her head on his chest and just listened to his heartbeat.

It felt so…right. This was where she belonged.

After several minutes, with much reluctance, she sat up. “What time is it?”

James grabbed his watch from the nightstand and glanced at it. “Quarter to seven.”

“Argh.” She ran her hands down his chest then climbed off of him. “We have to get ready for the party,” she said, reaching for her shirt.

With a smirk, James snatched the shirt away from her and ran his hands over her naked chest. His gentle touch and the rough calluses on his palms made her shiver. “Or we could skip it and do more of this.” He sat up and pulled her to him, pressing a kiss right below her ear.

Lily’s breath hitched. “We—we can’t skip it, not after all the trouble you went to to get an invitation,” she said, even as she leaned into his touch. “Besides, I might really need Slughorn’s connections next year.”

“You’re brilliant. You’ll ace the Healer’s exam, and St. Mungo’s would be stupid not to hire you.” James punctuated each declaration with a kiss. “You’re not going to need his dubious connections.”

The naivete of the words he spoke with such certainty shocked Lily out of her lusty haze. “You don’t know that,” she said, suddenly testy. “Muggleborns have had harder times finding jobs in these past two years than at any point since Grindelwald’s imprisonment. I need every advantage I can get.”

James looked surprised, but he conceded easily. “All right, all right,” he said, raising his hands in surrender. “Forgive me for wanting to stay here with these.” He placed a kiss on top of each of her breasts and flashed a mischievous grin.

Lily laughed, her body relaxing again. “I want that, too, I promise. But we need to go to this party. And, anyroad,” she added, running her hands over James’ firm shoulders, “spending a couple hours apart, where all we can do is make eye-contact from across the room, will make it that much hotter when we get back up here, don’t you think? I’ll be ready to tear your pants off.”

James chuckled, too, but the playfulness was gone from his manner. “Right,” he said, lowering his eyes. He handed her the shirt he had grabbed from her and offered a rueful smile. “Until later, then, Evans.”

Lily hesitated. She could tell they were still not quite on the same page about something, and it bothered her. But she knew James respected her boundaries, even if he didn’t fully understand them. The rest could be sorted another day.

She pulled her shirt over her head and grabbed her bra from the bed. Before she turned to leave, she gave her boyfriend a sweet, slow kiss – a promise of more to come. “See you later, James.”


	22. In which James ponders things worth fighting for

James weaved through the crowd in Professor Slughorn's office with a butterbeer in one hand, feeling confident and relaxed. Supper had gone well. Before the meal even started, Slughorn had boasted to Tiberius Ogden, the youngest member of the Wizengamot, about James' academic accomplishments and promising future. Over the main course of roast duck, James had made polite conversation with a young woman who had been a Hufflepuff in the class two years ahead of his; she was now an opera singer. During dessert, he had everyone around him chuckling or cooing in sympathy with an anecdote about five-year-old James being apoplectic that there was in fact a magical creature called a Griffin and yet, somehow, it was not the mascot for his father's beloved Gryffindor House.

In short, he'd been brilliant and charming, as anticipated. Excellent impression made, he could turn down the performance a bit and try to enjoy himself. It might not be easy, surrounded by so many fake smiles and so much back-scratching, but he knew for a fact there were at least a few people here genuinely worth talking to.

He moved through the party casually, but with purpose, his mouth splitting into a grin when he spotted the most worthy of them all.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked as he approached her. To be fair, he wasn't approaching just Lily – she was in conversation with Ravenclaw Hestia Jones, and a tall, slender witch, in formal blue robes – but James didn't much care who she was talking to. The fact that she wasn't alone made this the perfect opportunity for him to spend some time with her without drawing unwanted attention. He slipped into the space between Lily and Hestia and nodded his hellos.

Hestia, a small girl with big blue eyes and dark, feathered hair, paused mid-sentence and offered James a shy smile. "Not at all," she said.

The tall witch also smiled and nodded graciously, but Lily fixed him with a pointed stare before allowing her pursed lips to relax into something almost friendly. "Potter," she said, before turning her full attention back to Hestia.

James clenched his jaw and fought not to roll his eyes. It hadn't been a surprise that Lily had greeted him with a polite nod when she first entered Slughorn's office, some ten minutes after James did. Nor was it a surprise that she chose a seat between Diana Hodges and Damocles Belby for supper, rather than the empty one next to James, or even that she'd ignored him for most of the meal. But the look of suspicion she was giving him now, for the crime of deigning to join her conversation, was almost more than he could take.

He was debating throwing an arm around her shoulder and offering a cheeky, "All right, Evans?", when the witch in blue robes interrupted his thoughts.

"James Potter, I take it?"

James blinked in surprise and turned away from Lily. "Indeed. I'm sorry, have we met?"

"No, but I've worked with your father before. I can see the resemblance." Her smile widened and she extended her hand. "Valerie Baptiste. I'm the Deputy Director of Magical Imports at the Ministry. Part of the Department of International Magical Cooperation."

"Ah, that's brilliant." James shook her hand and grinned. "So, my dad has to get approval from you before he imports any of his foreign flora, is that it?"

Ms. Baptiste let out a hearty laugh. "Exactly right. In fact, last we talked, he had just returned from Argentina and was seeking permission to begin cultivating a certain type of cactus in his greenhouse."

"Yes, that sounds just like him," James said fondly. "I think I'd hoped to join him on that trip, I've never been to the Americas. But he scheduled it for September—two years ago, I think it was? And I was already back at Hogwarts."

"Ah, well. Perhaps his next excursion," Ms. Baptiste said. She gestured to Hestia and added, "Speaking of travels, Ms. Jones was just telling us about her summer holiday in Greece."

"Oh, yes." Hestia blushed, seemingly surprised to have been acknowledged. "They have so many ancient magical sites, you know."

"Sounds fabulous. I'd love to go, one day," Lily said, smiling encouragingly at Hestia.

Ms. Baptiste turned to Lily with interest. "Did you travel during your summer holiday, Ms. Evans?"

"No." Lily shook her head, and James was sure he was the only one who noticed the flicker of sadness in her eyes. She offered her companions a half-smile. "I've never left the U.K., actually. Maybe once I've finished school."

"Well, there are many opportunities at the Ministry that allow for international travel," Ms. Baptiste said. "You should consider applying. If you're a favorite of Horace's, I'm sure we'd be lucky to have you."

Lily nodded, her lips still curved in a weak smile. "Thank you, Deputy Director. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to fetch something to drink. Does anyone need anything?"

Watching her face, James wondered if it was thinking about summer that had brought on her melancholy. She looked like she could use a hug, even though he knew she wouldn't accept one from him here. Still, he opened his mouth to say he'd join her for a drink just as she narrowed her eyes and gave him a curt shake of her head. He bit back a sigh.

"No, thank you, I'm fine, dear," Deputy Director Baptiste said, not noticing the odd interaction. "It was lovely to meet you."

"You, as well." Lily nodded a quick goodbye to James and Hestia and disappeared into the crowd.

The next forty minutes went much the same. James was a butterfly, flitting about the room, stopping to greet people he knew or introduce himself to those he didn't. Seeing that his supposed girlfriend made it a point to disappear every time he came within two meters of her, eventually, he decided to ignore her, for his own sanity. Instead, he made the most of this opportunity he'd begged for, taking time to chat with an internationally-known dragon tamer about the quirks of the Chinese Fireball and letting Professor Slughorn introduce him to a terribly boring wizard from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement who droned on and on about the rising number of improper use of magic incidents over the past three years.

After that lecture ( _there were forty-six reports of wizards using magic in front of Muggles last summer alone!_ ) James excused himself to get some more hors d'oeuvres. As he surveyed the spread, he caught a glimpse of Lily out of the corner of his eye, her gorgeous eyes wide with something like disbelief as she and Damocles Belby listened to Braxton Biggety tell crass jokes at a volume usually reserved for sporting events or rock concerts.

"…borrow her berry jammer?'" he was saying, his cheeks rosy and his eyes watery, "And I said, 'Jam her? I barely even know her!'"

He and Belby erupted into raucous laughter, although James thought Belby looked sort of nervous. Lily looked like she was fighting hard not to roll her eyes.

James felt his lips twist in an involuntary smirk. Biggety was a top Medicinal Potioneer for St. Mungo's – a job that Lily was strongly considering, as it combined her love of both healing and potions. Unfortunately, Biggety was also a cad, a braggart, and a blustering fool.

But even as he watched Lily grimace when Biggety placed an overly-familiar hand on her shoulder, James couldn't quite feel sorry for her. If she'd only been willing to talk to him, he could've steered her away from that arsehole, or at least made sure she didn't get trapped in conversation. But she had made it more than clear that she didn't want anything to do with James this evening. It was only right she now fend for herself.

He fought to keep a scowl off his face as he remembered the moment in the dormitory earlier when Lily had come to him and declared he was hers until the Slug Club event started.

Because he couldn't be hers here, of course.

 _Frustrating witch_. Opening herself so completely to him in one moment, then closing herself off at the mere suggestion they interact in public. It reminded him of the weeks before they'd started dating, when she'd been so confused by their relationship that for every good moment they shared, there'd be two more where she treated him like he had Dragon Pox.

Only, the problem back then had been that she wasn't sure if they were truly friends. Her worry over that had clouded everything else. But they'd cleared that up, established that they were friends – good friends, and now more – and so he just couldn't understand why she couldn't at least be his friend in public, even if she thought it was dangerous to tell the world they were an item.

James huffed out a breath through his nose. Yet, despite his annoyance, he found himself mildly grateful for her hot-and-cold behavior as he slipped out of the party just before nine under the guise of going to the toilet, knowing he had no intention of returning. Given how hard Lily was working to avoid him, it would probably be a half an hour before she even realized he was gone.

Another wave of irritation washed over him. He gritted his teeth against it and swept his invisibility cloak over his head. As he hurried through the castle, he tried to focus on the part of the evening ahead of him, not the one behind. Lily would probably be upset that he'd left the party without so much as a good-bye, but he couldn't very well seek her out to say good-bye when she didn't want him to talk to her at all, could he? Of course not.

He wasn't the one who should feel guilty.

He spotted Flich in a corridor on the second floor and resisted the urge to shoot confetti out of his wand from under his cloak, just to annoy the caretaker. It wasn't worth the risk of getting caught, and, anyway, it wasn't Filch's fault he was in a foul mood. James crept past the man unnoticed and continued on his way.

When he finally reached Professor Binns' classroom, he strode over to the large plaque commemorating the defeat of Highland Giants in the Great Winter War. He placed his hand flat against the tarnished surface and whispered, "Show me the portal." The plaque glowed brightly and began to expand, growing until it was the size of your average front door. When it stopped growing, James knocked on it twice and said, "Libertas."

The door swung open to reveal a narrow tunnel, in which Sirius was already waiting, casually posed against one wall with his arms crossed and a rucksack at his feet.

"You made it. Fab," Sirius said. "I was worried you'd back out."

"Why would I do that?"

"Eh, you know." Sirius shrugged. "Evans."

James' brow furrowed. "She'll be fine. What we're doing is important." His jaw tightened and his brows dipped further as he added, "Besides, she didn't want me at the party, anyway."

Sirius chuckled. "Well, I doubt that's true."

"No, you're right." James chuckled, too, but with no trace of humor. "She didn't mind my being there, so long as I was willing to pretend we've never met."

"Wait," Sirius said, the faint look of amusement gone from his features, "she acted like she didn't know you?"

"Practically." James dragged a hand through his hair. "I knew she didn't want Mulciber's lot to know we're dating, but apparently she doesn't want anyone to even know we're friends."

"I'm sorry, mate." Sirius shook his head and clapped a hand on James' shoulder. "I'm sure she'll come around. She's never been a big risk-taker, but she's not afraid of the likes of Mulciber. She'll work it out soon."

"Yeah, maybe." James shrugged, then waved a hand as if shooing flies. "We need to focus."

Sirius dropped the subject easily. "Right." He pointed to the pack at his feet. "Do you want to change clothes?"

James shrugged out of his dress robes, revealing a button-down shirt and smart black trousers, then shook his head. "No time, I think. We've got to hurry if we're going to make it to Hogsmeade and then Apparate to London in time to catch them."

He stuffed his invisibility cloak and his dress robes into Sirius' pack, which already held the Marauders' Map, a muggle torch, some sweets, two dung bombs and a dozen enchanted party crackers. As Sirius had mentioned when they'd begun planning this excursion earlier this week – one never knows when one might need a diversion.

The boys took off down the passageway. Half an hour later, they appeared in an alley behind Sprintwitches Sporting Needs, Hogsmeade's only destination for sporting goods.

They'd stumbled upon this particular passage two years ago, completely accidentally, while surveying the alley as part of a poorly-hatched plan to break into Sprintwitches to test – not steal, just test – a new racing broom. As they snuck around, peeking in windows and looking for access points, Peter had noticed what appeared to be a trapdoor partially hidden by a large commercial skip bin behind the store. They'd pried the door open and, being fourteen and fearless, climbed into the tunnel it revealed.

They had initially been disappointed to find out the tunnel ended back at Hogwarts, but later they decided having multiple known exits from the school would only benefit them.

Indeed, James thanked Merlin for it tonight. It would've been far too risky to use their favorite passageway into the cellar of Honeydukes, because the tell-tale cracking sound when they Apparated out would likely wake up the owners. Conversely, no one lived above Sprintwitches, and no one was likely to be lurking in the alley after nine o'clock in the evening. If any other residents of the village heard any odd sounds coming from the bin behind the store, they would probably attribute them to stray cats or an owl on the hunt. No one would pay them any mind.

From Sprintwitches, it took the boys three jumps to make it to Diagon Alley – Hogsmeade to Edinburgh, Edinburgh to Leeds, and, finally, Leeds to London – with only a few minutes rest between movements. Neither was skilled enough at Apparition to make a longer trip than that without splinching himself, but James was anxious by the time they landed behind the Leaky Cauldron around quarter 'til ten. He hoped they weren't too late.

They stood in silence under James' invisibility cloak for several long seconds. The empty courtyard where they'd landed was partially visible from the main street, and the boys watched people stroll by, chatting and dipping in and out of the nearby shops. None paid any attention to the area behind the pub. Just as James was about to declare them safe, a bearded wizard in well-worn robes stumbled out of the back door of the Leaky Cauldron and nearly walked right into them. The wizard glanced around him with narrowed eyes, then turned quickly away from the two boys and began to relieve himself against a wall.

Sirius snickered under his breath, but, as much as he enjoyed a bit of risk in his life, James couldn't find any humor in the situation. The way the man had hesitated, as though he sensed someone was nearby, right before turning his back to them reminded James uncomfortably of Lily's recent behavior.

The man finished urinating and wiped his hands on his dingy robes without casting a single cleansing charm, much to Sirius and James' disgust. He pulled the door open and re-entered the pub without so much as a glance around the alley behind him.

James exhaled heavily, pushing thoughts of both Lily and the shabby wizard out of his mind. "Coast is clear?" he asked, twisting to look over his right shoulder while Sirius surveyed the area to their left.

"All clear," Sirius confirmed. With a nod, James pulled the invisibility cloak from over their heads and tucked it under his arm, and the boys followed the path behind the old pub into Knockturn Alley.

Knockturn Alley was…sullen. James hadn't known a street could convey so much emotion, especially emotions like brooding and petulance, but this one certainly did. He wasn't sure what it was usually like on a Friday evening, but Diagon Alley had been well-lit, bustling with shoppers and pub-goers and young wizards and witches enjoying the warm evening. Knockturn Alley was shrouded in shadows and nearly silent, aside from a muted wailing sound in the distance. Only a few wizards were scurrying from the darkened stores lining the street, most of them in hooded cloaks or with their faces lowered to avoid recognition.

Sirius pulled two large hats out of his rucksack to better hide their faces and help them blend with the other occupants of the shadowed street. Heads covered, they began walking toward Borgin & Burke's, their eyes sweeping from side to side from under the brims of their caps.

As they walked, James pointed his wand at his feet and muttered a Muffling Charm, then did the same to Sirius' feet. "You're sure the meeting will have just started?" he asked.

"The shop is open 'til half-nine, so they wouldn't want to gather before then," Sirius said confidently. He motioned to a gap between The Coffin House (a favorite among necromancers) and Dystyl Phaelanges (seller of every kind of bone imaginable), and he and James ducked through the opening and emerged on a narrow bit of pavement behind the alley's shops. Being the better of the two of them at Disillusionment Charms, he paused to cast one over himself and James before continuing, "They'll have waited 'til the customers have gone. It's one thing to be suspected of trafficking in Dark objects, but it's entirely another to openly host Death Eaters."

James ruffled his hair. "What if they closed the shop early because of the meeting?"

Sirius shook his head, the movement visible to James only as a hazy disturbance in the air. "Nah. Burke is a greedy bugger. Can't imagine he'd ever close up early, even for his beloved nieces."

"All right." Now that they were here, about to spy on a room full of Death Eaters, James wondered if their plan was incomplete and poorly conceived.

Nothing for it but to make it work. They'd always enjoyed improvising, anyway.

The shortcut they'd taken between buildings was perfect, as Borgin & Burke's was right next to Dystyl Phaelanges. From the back, the old antiques shop looked like any other huge, dark stone building, with one heavy-looking wooden door in the center of the back wall. On this door, however, there were eight runes carved just above the handle, each giving off a faint green light.

"There's no window back here," James said, his shoulders sagging as he blew out a heavy breath. "And there's almost certainly wards on that door."

"Certainly," Sirius agreed. "I wouldn't want to go inside, anyway. I'd rather not be outnumbered in a tight space."

James bobbed his head. "Too right."

They studied the building a bit longer, James getting more and more impatient as the minutes ticked by without a solution coming to mind. Creeping up to the shop's front windows was an absolute last resort, but now it was looking like the most viable option.

"Look up there, near the roof," Sirius said suddenly, the air blurring in front of James as he pointed upward. "That stained-glass window must have a view into the shop, right?"

James followed Sirius' finger, his eyes narrowed in thought. "Maybe. It's quite small, isn't it? It might only lead to an attic."

"Only one way to find out."

"Yeah." James frowned at the window in question, a flower-shaped design nestled into the stone wall right below the point of the roof. "How do you reckon we get up there, though?"

"Too bad we didn't bring our brooms," Sirius said, sighing. "I think I could levitate you up there, and then you could do the same for me? Or more likely, you could pull me up with a binding spell or something of the sort. Your precision with a levitation charm is inconsistent at best."

James snorted. "Even your levitation charm isn't good enough to set me quietly on the roof. The Death Eaters will surely notice if I land up there sounding like a hippogriff."

"That's what the muffling charm is for, right? I'll be careful."

"Hmm." James thought for a moment, then pointed at Dystyl Phaelanges, forgetting that Sirius likely couldn't see his arm. "All right. Levitate me onto that one. It's a bit lower, and the Death Eaters are less likely to hear me if I land badly."

"Which one?"

"Dystyl Phaelanges."

"Ah, brilliant," Sirius said approvingly. "They look to be connected, we can climb onto Burke's roof from there."

"Right." James took a deep breath. "Let's do it."

For good measure, he renewed the muffling charms on their feet, and then Sirius murmured the words to lift James onto the flat roof of the building they'd selected. James then used a binding spell, as Sirius had suggested, to pull his friend up to join him, casting a levitation charm only as Sirius reached roof level to gentle his landing. Together, the boys cautiously stepped over the edge of Dystyl's and onto the gently sloped roof of Borgin & Burkes.

They crawled as quietly as they could to the peak of the roof, each clinging to one angled edge. James pulled out his invisibility cloak and tossed it over both of them as best he could, hoping that between the cloak and the Disillusionment charm, they were entirely hidden from view. Camouflaged as best they could, they leaned nearly simultaneously over the edge of the roof until they could peek inside the window below.

It was strange viewing everything through the blue, green, and orange glass, not to mention from this upside-down position. After taking a moment to adjust, James determined they had a direct line of sight into the back room of Borgin & Burke's. Rumor had it that Burke kept all sorts of illegal Dark artifacts back there, but no Aurors had found anything during two prior investigations of the store. Tonight, that room was being used as a meeting space.

James quickly took stock of the faces gathered below – not an army's worth, but plenty enough to make him uncomfortable. Two Death Eaters in hooded robes stood at the front of the room, and twelve students – all sixth- and seventh-years, apart from Livia – sat facing them. In addition to the Burkes, Snape, and Regulus Black, James saw Avery, Warrington, Rosier, Mulciber, and Augustus Rookwood and his younger brother Truman, along with a couple of surprises in the form of Ravenclaws Peggy Arnold and William Woodward.

Arnold was dating – or at least, shagging – Rookwood, so James supposed he shouldn't be surprised she was sympathetic to the Death Eaters' cause. Woodward had always come over snobbish, in James' opinion, but there was a lot of daylight between snob and Death Eater. At least, he hoped there was.

He took small comfort in the fact that the only two prefects present were Snape and the younger Burke. At least most of the students charged with the well-being of their Hogwarts classmates weren't interested in following Voldemort.

Sirius hissed out a breath. "Bloody moron," he muttered through clenched teeth, and James knew he'd spotted his younger brother.

One of the hooded Death Eaters was speaking, but James couldn't really hear him through the glass. He pointed his wand at his own ear and murmured "Magna susurro," smiling grimly when it worked to amplify the voices in the room. Surprisingly, the dark wizards hadn't cast an Imperturbable Charm over the entire building.

Sirius made a sound of approval and cast the same Eavesdropping Spell. Now, both boys could hear the speaker loudly – but not clearly. That was the problem with an Eavesdropping Spell – it increased the volume of what was being said, but it also tended to muddle the words a bit, almost as if it didn't want to make it too easy for the user to listen in where he wasn't wanted. Nonetheless, James followed the Death Eaters' conversation as best he could.

"…we ask of you, as long as you're at Hogwarts, is that you . . . others who believe in the sanctity of blood," the hooded man said.

Sirius nudged James. "I think that's Lorcan Nott. The Notts are obsessed with 'the sanctity of blood.'" His voice dripped with derision as he said those last words, and James could picture his sneer.

He snorted in reply. "Don't I know it." The Notts had never been quiet about their opinion that the Potter line had likely been "tainted" by Muggles at some point in the past.

Nott continued: "And just as we need . . who share our ideals, the Dark Lord also seeks any information . . . plans to oppose him."

"Argh," James whispered. "I'm not catching everything. Did he say they're to report back on any plans to oppose Voldemort?"

"Not just any plans," Sirius whispered back. " _Dumbledore's_ plans."

James' breath caught. "Shite," he mumbled. The Death Eaters were ordering students to spy on Dumbledore? Dumbledore, who only wanted to teach and guide them to use magic responsibly? Who wanted them to learn and grow, not only from him, but from each other? Dumbledore, who always thought – and expected – the best of them?

"We can't let them do this," he muttered, but Sirius shushed him.

"Dammit, Prongs, I missed what Nott just said!"

"Sorry," James mumbled. He turned back to the conversation below just in time to see Livia Burke raise her hand.

"The Dark Lord has no plan to murder Muggles and Muggleborns, right?" she asked, and to his surprise, James heard not her usual haughty tone, but the slightest bit of hesitation in her voice. "We just want them separate, not dead." Her sister and the two Ravenclaws nodded their tentative agreement.

"Of course," the other Death Eater said smoothly, and James recognized the voice of Lucius Malfoy. "The Dark Lord is very practical. If we killed all the Muggleborns and others of lesser stature, we'd have no one to complete some of the more menial tasks a society needs in order to function. We don't wish to exclude them from those opportunities. We simply believe governance should be left to those with the most magical heritage, skill, and power." Livia and the others nodded, their expressions satisfied.

"Quite right," Nott said. "The proposed measure simply requires that those wishing to seek higher elected office must prove their magical heritage going back two generations—that is, they must be able to prove that they had four magical grandparents—or demonstrate that they have two magical parents and at least one ancestor from one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight Families."

A low grumble swept through the room. James thought he noticed Snape glowering at Nott from his seat in the back of the shop. The legislation the Death Eaters were proposing would prevent wizards like Snape, whose mother was a witch but whose father was a Muggle, from holding elected office in Great Britain. James wondered how Voldemort could expect to garner enough support for measures like these when the majority of the Wizarding population was "half-blood" or less.

His mind wandered to Lily again. Voldemort's plan was specifically designed to keep people like her from having any power in the Wizarding world. And, lately, what she didn't seem to realize was that she was conceding her power willingly. Her demand that James keep their relationship hidden, her decision to mold her life around their prejudices rather than forcing them to accept her existence, felt – to James, at least – like a tacit admission that she wasn't sure she belonged in the Wizarding world, either.

Like she wasn't sure she belonged with him.

James realized he was grinding his teeth together. He forcibly unclenched his jaw and refocused his attention on the Death Eaters.

"…and if this legislation passes," Malfoy was saying, "the Dark Lord plans to propose more restrictive measures—"

"Barring Muggleborns from Hogwarts, for example."

"—to slowly corral the Muggle-born and Muggles so that we might confine them to their proper place in our society—"

"—for the continued security and strength of Wizardkind," Nott finished.

Lucius tilted his head in a brief acknowledgment. "Quite."

"Fuck," Sirius breathed.

James agreed. He had known these extremists existed, but he hadn't expected to encounter a group of them, openly advocating Muggle-born exclusion, in this day and age.

"Will Avery, Mulciber, Rosier, and Snape please come forward."

The four named Slytherins rose from their seats and walked to the front of the room. They stood in a line in front of Malfoy, their backs to James and Sirius.

Malfoy spoke in a low voice. "The Dark Lord believes that you four are prepared to take..."

A hawk landed on the roof next to Sirius with a clatter, the scratch of her feet on the tile roof loud enough to both scare James and Sirius nearly out of their pants and prevent them from hearing the rest of Lucius' sentence.

"Bloody hell!" Sirius gasped, flinching away from the bird. James cursed and instinctively sat up, as well. He quickly dropped back to his stomach and pulled the cloak back in place over their heads, hoping the bird hadn't blown their cover. He marshalled his courage to lean forward for another peek inside the shop.

Several of the dark witches and wizards present were looking right at the stained-glass window. James barely managed not to startle at the sight of so many eyes trained on the spot where he was hidden. He held his breath.

The hawk hopped along the edge of the roof towards James and Sirius, then puffed out its chest and flapped its wings threateningly. Somehow, James and Sirius managed not to flinch this time. Bored or satisfied, the bird cawed once and took flight, swooping past the window before disappearing into the night.

There was a smattering of chuckles along with some grumbling from those in the meeting room. "It's just some bloody bird," Avery sneered.

But Snape and Lucius continued to stare at the small window.

James assured himself he was invisible. He held still, even when Snape's beady black eyes narrowed in contempt. It was only a coincidence.

Still, if he'd been asked, he would've sworn Snape and Lucius were looking right at him.

After a seemingly never-ending moment, Malfoy cleared his throat. "We shouldn't dally. Each of you, please present your left arm."

James and Sirius exhaled in unison. The four boys pushed up the billowing sleeves of their robes and held their left forearms out, palm up.

"Good. Now repeat after me." Lucius touched his wand to Avery's forearm and recited something in a low voice. James couldn't hear the words, but it sounded rhythmic and poetic, almost like a song or an ancient spell. As Lucius spoke, the tip of his wand emitted a smoke-like substance. When it was Avery's turn to sing it back to him, those tendrils of smoke began to wrap around the boy's forearm. The smoke dissipated with the last words of the chant.

"Do you recognize that spell?" James muttered to Sirius as Lucius moved on to perform the incantation over Mulciber's arm.

"No." Sirius went silent for a moment, perhaps racking his memories for spells and curses learned at his mother's feet. Then he sighed. "Whatever it is, I have a feeling I should be grateful Reg isn't up there with those four."

"Yeah," James agreed. "It can't be anything good." They watched the strange ceremony for a moment more, then James quietly rose to a seated position. "They're nearly finished, we should go."

"We don't know what other orders Malfoy and Nott may give," Sirius countered. "Let's wait."

"This lot is bad news," James said, shaking his head. "We don't want to run into them when the meeting lets out."

"I do," Sirius said stubbornly. "I've got to talk to Regulus."

James huffed out a breath. "I don't think he'd be too pleased to see you right now, mate. Doesn't look like he's here against his will. What exactly do you plan to say to him?"

"I don't know," Sirius grumbled. James could see a distortion in the air where his friend scrubbed a hand over his face. "Maybe I could knock some sense into him, at least."

"Do you think you could change his mind?"

"I don't know." Sirius' Disillusionment charm faltered, and his shoulders slumped. His grey eyes were wistful when he looked over at James. "He used to beg me not to disobey our parents when we were younger, did I ever tell you that? It started with him not wanting them to hurt me, but by the end, I think he just plain agreed with them. He really believed in that twisted, Black, pureblood ideology." He shrugged sadly. "Can't imagine that's changed since I left."

"Doesn't look like it, anyway," James said quietly. He nudged Sirius. "All the more reason we should leave before he sees us, right?"

Sirius' voice was gloomy. "Right."

The two Gryffindors renewed their Disillusionment charms and the muffling spells on their shoes, then made their way back onto the roof of Dystyl Phalanges and climbed down a drainpipe until they could safely and quietly drop to the pavement. As soon as they landed, James threw his invisibility cloak over both of their heads, and Sirius cast a fog charm behind them to further obscure their departure. They rushed back to Diagon Alley, where they could Apparate out of London without being heard.

Some twenty minutes later, they landed in the alley behind Sprintwitches with a thud. James glanced around them; the alley was empty, but for a pair of rats underneath the skip bin, fighting over a pastry crust or something similar. He took a deep breath, his whole body sagging with relief as he exhaled.

"All right, mate?" he asked Sirius, who was standing next to him, looking similarly weary.

Sirius nodded tightly. He pointed his wand at the rats and muttered, "Ventus Minimus." A small, spiraling wind burst from his wand, sending the rats tumbling out from under the bin to scurry away into the darkness. Without another word, he lifted the trapdoor and gestured for James to climb into the tunnel. He did, and Sirius followed. He summoned the bin, dragging it closer so that it partially covered the tunnel's opening, then quietly shut the trapdoor.

They each cast lumos to light their way as they walked through the tunnel, James mostly silent and Sirius cursing quietly and muttering about Regulus' poor choices.

James ignored Sirius and thought back on the meeting. He hadn't expected the Death Eaters to be so organized, nor had he thought they'd have such far-reaching plans for pureblood domination. He suddenly felt woozy, like he'd taken a bludger to the head. The very idea that Voldemort had people in the Ministry prepared to propose anti-Muggleborn legislation rattled his brain.

It had to be some sort of stunt, a ploy to bolster Voldemort's image among his followers. Surely such a measure couldn't pass. Surely the majority of wizards in the U.K. would oppose this type of legalized discrimination.

Wouldn't they?

The woozy feeling only increased when he thought of Lily. He knew how much she loved being a witch, and how strongly she felt about Hogwarts. Despite what he'd thought earlier, about her behaving as though she didn't belong in the Wizarding world, he had no doubt she would always fight to keep the school open to children like her, should it come to that.

But maybe she wasn't willing to fight to keep _him._

The bludger dropped from his head to the pit of his stomach. He was suddenly very, very tired.

Sirius, on the other hand, was very obviously wound-up. Instead of his usual easy stride, he was practically stomping through the tunnel, still muttering about hexing his brother "into the sun, if that's what it takes" and "Merlin-cursed Death Eater recruiting boards" as they approached the portal back to Binns' classroom.

His words caught James' attention. Sirius wasn't being particularly reflective – he was clearly ranting – but the weight of what he was saying joined the bludger in the depths of James' stomach, anyway. He'd been so focused on Lily, he'd almost forgotten the purpose of tonight's adventure.

He took a deep breath and grabbed Sirius' arm.

Sirius stopped and faced him, one eyebrow raised in that imperious way he had, as though he already knew whatever you were about to say wasn't worth his time. But that look had never scared James like it had some others; he knew Sirius cared what he thought, even when he pretended he didn't. He squared his shoulders and met his best friend's gaze with certainty.

"Pads, I've got to tell Dumbledore about that meeting."

Sirius was shaking his head before James finished speaking. "No. You can't, Prongs. I won't be the reason Reg gets kicked out of school."

"Dumbledore's not going to kick him out," James argued. "But the Death Eaters are recruiting at Hogwarts. And they're planning on spying on Dumbledore to report back to Voldemort! He needs to know about this."

"Well, tell him you overheard Snivellus talking to Burke or something, then." Sirius leaned forward with his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes dark. "He doesn't need to know about the meeting."

James ran a hand roughly through his hair. "That's not enough. He needs to know that twelve Hogwarts students are working for the Death Eaters!"

"Not when one of them's my brother, he doesn't!"

They had moved closer and closer together as they argued, and now their faces were only inches apart. James blinked and took a step backward, then drew in a deep breath. "Look," he said, hands spread wide, "I don't want Regulus to get in trouble, either. But this is Voldemort we're talking about. You said it yourself, you have no reason to think Reg doesn't agree with his plans. And if Death Eaters take over Hogwarts—" James broke off, not even sure how to finish that sentence. He just hoped Sirius would understand.

With a growl, Sirius pulled his wand and spun around. "Defodio!" he snarled, pointing at a spot on the wall across from James. The spell cut into the brick lining the tunnel and gouged out a small chip. "Defodio!" he yelled again, and another bit of brick exploded from the wall.

"Oi! What are you doing?" James cried, holding up a hand to deflect bits of flying rock.

Sirius turned to glare at him. "Well, I can't very well hex you, can I?" he snapped. "Defodio!"

"Right, but don't destroy the tunnel, either, mate! We might need it again."

"ARGH!" Sirius screamed, his fists clenched at his sides. He cocked back and hurled his wand at the wall, then kicked it when it bounced to the floor. "Why is he so _stupid_?"

James' heart was thumping aggressively in his chest, but he forced himself to speak calmly. "Your parents have been brainwashing him for years. Not to absolve him of any of his actions, but he doesn't know anything different, does he?"

"That just makes it worse," Sirius muttered, bending to snatch his wand from the ground. "I should've been there to protect him. Or at least remind him that their way is wrong."

James had never heard Sirius doubt his decision to leave his parents' house, had never even considered that he might. The Blacks embraced the most extreme version of pureblood supremacy, one that viewed Muggles as equal to beasts of burden, like mules and oxen. And when Sirius had challenged those views, he'd faced severe punishments, ranging from being denied meals to having his back sliced open with any number of Dark hexes. It was no wonder Regulus had wanted him to just quietly obey their parents.

"All you'd have to show for that is more scars." James put a light hand on Sirius' arm. "I expect that's not what Regulus wanted, either. That's part of why he tried to get you to toe the line, right?"

Sirius looked haunted. "You've got to let me talk to him, Prongs. Before you go to Dumbledore. I won't tell him we spied on the meeting, just—let me try to convince him these people are dangerous."

"It won't do any good, Sirius! You said it yourself—he agrees with your parents' views. He agrees with Voldemort!"

"We don't know that, not for sure! But even if so, I've got to try." Sirius' voice was steel, but James saw the plea in his eyes. "I've got to tell him it's okay to change his mind."

James sighed and tugged on his hair. "All right. Three days. You've got three days to try to talk some sense into him, Padfoot. If you haven't got through to him by Monday evening, I'm going to Dumbledore first thing Tuesday. Agreed?"

"Yeah." Sirius sighed heavily. "Thanks, mate."

"Yeah," was all James could manage. He sighed again, then gestured towards Sirius' rucksack. "Have you got the map? We should head back to Gryffindor."

"Here you go," Sirius said, pulling the slightly worn parchment out of his bag. He tapped it with his wand and murmured, "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good," before handing it to James.

James watched the detailed drawing of the castle come to life on the page, most dots (each representing a single person) safely in their dormitories and a few wandering the grounds, breaking curfew just like James and Sirius. He located Filch on the map and began plotting the best route out of Binns' classroom and back to their dorm.

As his eyes drifted over his chosen course, James noticed one lonely dot, at the top of Gryffindor tower. Not in a bedroom, but in the shared lounge of the Head's dormitory.

He sucked in a sharp breath. "Shite." He turned to Sirius. "I won't tell Dumbledore for three days, Pads, like I said. But unless she goes to bed in the next ten minutes, I think I'm going to have to tell Lily tonight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Hope you're still enjoying it :-)


	23. In which James Can't Keep Silent Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this story, it was supposed to be a fluffy vehicle for smut. L&J would hook up, discover they liked each other, Lily would be nervous but eventually admit it, the end. And now it's this lol.
> 
> I struggle with angst, and I would have a hard time reading this if it were someone else's story -- I just want my kids to be happy! But I'm really proud of this chapter and I really love this story overall, so I hope you can stick with me.
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who looked at this chapter beforehand and helped me workshop it and convinced me to let the characters feel what they feel! xo

The Slug Club event ended around ten o’clock. Lily noticed shortly after nine that James was missing, but she stayed ‘til the end of the party, mingling with various big wigs and foolishly hoping she’d catch a glimpse of her boyfriend’s wild black hair amidst the crowd.

It never happened.

She had seen the disappointment in his eyes when she'd indicated that he shouldn't follow her to get a drink during the party, but the rebuff was necessary. He had been looking at her with barely-masked tenderness, probably realizing that the talk of summer holidays had made her think of her father, and she knew if they walked off together she wouldn't be able to resist accepting any comfort he offered. It was easier to avoid him altogether.

Still, she couldn’t help keeping an eye on him as he moved around Slughorn’s office, easily charming everyone he met. He’d always been a natural flirt – it was part of why Lily had been skeptical of his attentions, years ago – but now that she knew him better, she also knew that he genuinely liked people, loved the energy of a group and the companionship that comes with shared stories. The James she’d gotten to know was as good of a listener as he was a talker, and she loved that about him. And at the party, he was in his element – even though, in an ideal world, he’d have spent the night by her side instead of rubbing elbows with Professor Slughorn's associates.

So, _of course_ she’d noticed when he disappeared. At first, she assumed that he’d gone to use the toilet, but she’d become confused when he failed to return. Her confusion soon turned to annoyance – after begging Slughorn for an invite, he’d left the event early without so much as a word to anyone? That was just plain rude.

 _Or maybe it was only without a word to me_ , Lily thought later, as she walked back to the dormitories. Perhaps he had already informed their host that he couldn’t stay ‘til the end. Perhaps he’d exchanged pleasantries with several of the other people in the room before departing.

She suddenly had that uncomfortable feeling again, like James was punishing her for not allowing him to take her out in public.

Her cheeks flushed and she cringed, just slightly, knowing that framing wasn’t totally fair. She _had_ very nearly shooed him away from her when he joined her and Hestia in talking to Madame Baptiste, so it was silly for her to be surprised that he hadn’t sought her out to say goodbye. She wished he better understood why she wanted – needed – to be cautious, but maybe he wasn’t punishing her for that caution so much as trying to do as she asked. He may have _overcorrected_ , as he’d said before, but if so, could she really blame him?

They both knew she wouldn’t have sent him off with a smile and a warm farewell had he approached her before he left. The best she might’ve offered under the circumstances would have been _distantly polite_ , and the part of that James would have felt the most would be the distance.

Lily picked up her pace as she approached the Gryffindor portrait hole, the urge to talk to her boyfriend suddenly overwhelming. It was too early in their story for them to be on such different pages. And while she wasn’t ready to announce to the entire school that she was dating James Potter, she didn’t want to completely ignore him in public, either. She didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t even say goodbye to her if he had to leave an event before she did. There had to be a middle ground.

Her plan to tell him all this was thwarted by his absence from the Heads’ dormitories. She fretted for a moment that he was locked in his room, ignoring her increasingly loud knocking on his door, but she quickly set that worry aside. James wouldn’t ignore her. He was the one who always sought her out, even before they were together, whenever she’d engaged in one of her anxiety-and-hormone-driven plans to avoid complicating things between them. He had never been one to hide from their problems.

So, where was he now?

Puzzled, she walked back down to the landing to where the staircase split for the boys’ and girls’ dormitories. Heading to the boys’ side, she approached the seventh years’ room and knocked on the door.

“It’s open!” Remus called from inside.

Lily hesitated as she opened the door, then poked her head into the room and glanced around. Remus was laying in his bed with his arms folded behind his head, and Peter was sitting cross-legged on Sirius’ bed, facing Remus and holding a textbook. Neither James nor Sirius was anywhere in sight. Lily’s frown deepened.

Remus glanced towards the doors, his eyebrows popping up in surprise – _or was it alarm?_ – before his face relaxed into a smile. “Hey, Lil. What’s shakin’?”

“Not much. Have you seen James?”

Peter audibly gulped. Lily’s eyes swung to him. He held his hands up in a clear “leave me out of this” gesture, and when he spoke, his words were rushed. “Don’t ask me!”

She tried not to roll her eyes as she turned back to Remus, who sighed. “He and Sirius had to go take care of something.” At her look of surprise, Remus shook his head. “You’ll have to ask him about it.”

 _Why does that sound so ominous?_ “Or you could tell me.”

Remus gave her a pointed look, and she huffed out a sigh. “Sorry. I don’t mean to put you in the middle. He’s not going to get into trouble, is he?”

“Nah, they’ll be fine.” Remus offered a half-smile and an awkward shrug. “You want to wait for him here?”

Lily pursed her lips, thinking. From what Remus had said, it sounded like James leaving without telling her was less about her avoiding him during the party and more about sneaking off with Sirius to do Merlin-knows-what. The thought made her feel a bit better – some of her guilt faded, and some of her righteous indignation returned. _Did he leave the party to go pull a prank?_

She shook her head. “No, if you’re sure he’s fine, I’ll go back upstairs,” she told Remus. “I need to talk to him privately, anyway.”

Peter emitted a squeaky sound of agreement, nodding his head so vigorously she worried his neck would be sore later. Remus shot him an exasperated look before turning to Lily. “They’ll be fine. Really,” he assured her. Then his serious tone shifted, and his amber eyes twinkled. “And if he comes here first, I’ll send him straight to you for a talking-to. Don’t worry.”

Lily laughed. “All right,” she agreed. “Thanks, Remus.”

He and Peter nodded their good-byes. Lily went back upstairs and sat down on the sofa in the Heads’ lounge. There was nothing to do but wait.

It was nearly midnight when James gently pushed the door to the lounge open. He didn't look surprised to see Lily still awake. If anything, he looked resigned. He sat down next to her with a sigh.

There was a certain tightness in his expression, in the flat line of his full lips and the strain around his usually merry eyes, and Lily felt anxiety coil within her body, as well. He rested his elbows on his knees and folded his hands, his shoulders slumped forward as he faced her.

“All right, Evans?”

She bristled at the casual greeting. “I’m honestly not sure, Potter. Where’ve you been?”

He stared at her for a moment, hazel eyes wary behind his glasses. “The Death Eaters had a meeting tonight,” he said finally. He shook his head, then reached up to ruffle the back of his hair. “Sirius and I went to see what they’re up to.”

All thoughts of Slughorn’s party flew from Lily’s head, and her eyes widened in shock. “What? How did you find out about it? And why didn’t you tell me?”

James closed his eyes and rolled his neck from side to side, sighing, but his body remained visibly tense. “I overheard Snape and Regulus talking about it earlier this week,” he said slowly. “I told Sirius, and we decided to investigate.”

Her eyebrows drew together with her frown. “You told Sirius, but not me.”

“I told Sirius because it was his brother I overheard. And then I wasn’t sure _what_ to do, you know, whether I should tell Dumbledore immediately or find out more about what they were planning first.” James shrugged, his expression somehow both defiant and sheepish all at once. “I was going to tell you,” he began, “but once I decided someone needed to go see what they’re up to, I decided not to. You’d have tried to stop me.”

“I might not’ve,” Lily snapped, her tone made harsher by her frustration with James’ explanation. He cocked his head at her, his lips pursed in doubt, and she raised her eyebrows in challenge. “But either way, you should’ve told me.”

James narrowed his eyes, his gaze hot with some emotion she couldn’t quite place. Through clenched teeth and a smirk more grimace than smile, he ground out, “As much as I enjoy your company, I am allowed to go places without you, you know. I’m not required to tell you my every move.”

“Oh, for the love of Merlin.” He was being a real prat, smirking and acting as though their relationship didn’t warrant any more communication than he might give to any other witch in the castle. Lily folded her arms over her chest. “Every move, no,” she conceded. “But spying on Death Eaters, James? That’s really serious! You should’ve at least told me as your co-Head student.”

“Look, I wasn’t thinking of this as Head’s responsibilities when I planned to go,” James growled. “It was a bit of a lark. I didn’t know whether it was going to be a big deal or just a bunch of pricks wanking to Voldemort’s photo. Who knows, with that lot?”

Lily folded her hands in her lap with forced calmness and stared at him blankly. “You didn’t think a _Death Eater_ meeting was a big deal?”

He sighed. “That’s not what I meant. Of course I knew it was a big deal, that’s why I wanted to investigate! But they—their plans—they were more organized than I realized, is all.” He was scowling now, but there was real worry in his eyes. “They’re trying to pass a law to make people prove their magical heritage before they can work for the Ministry. A blood purity test, Evans! No one has tried anything like that since Grindelwald! They must be mad.”

Even though it was no more than she’d expected, a chill rippled through Lily’s body at his words. The rumors, the quiet concerns, her own nightmares – they were starting to bear fruit. And somehow, James was surprised. As if he only just now saw these extremists for who they really were.

Her hands balled into fists. “If they’re mad, about a third of Wizarding Britain is mad, too, then, right?” she spat. “The Death Eaters aren’t the only ones who believe that wizards are superior to Muggles, James. Lots of people believe it! They’re just quieter about it.”

“I don’t believe a third of the Wizarding population believes that rubbish,” he replied, his tone as sharp as hers. “At this meeting tonight, there were twelve students—”

“Twelve!”

“Yeah. And, obviously, that’s terrible. But they’re trying to recruit more, they know they don’t have the numbers to accomplish that madness yet,” his words came out in a rush, and he pounded his right fist into his left hand. “We’ve got to make sure they never do.”

Lily bit back a sarcastic response. “Absolutely,” she said instead, her tone even. She was still irritated he hadn’t told her about this in advance, still irritated that he would describe a Death Eater meeting as a lark, but at least he seemed to recognize the danger they posed now. “We need to go to Dumbledore, first thing in the morning.”

But James sucked in a short breath through his teeth and shook his head. “We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I promised Sirius I’d give him a few days to try to talk some sense into Reg first.”

“So, let me get this straight.” Lily’s fingers curled into claws against her thighs. “You found out the Death Eaters were having a meeting, and instead of telling me, you and Sirius decided to spy on that meeting. At that meeting, you found out those Death Eaters want to keep people like _me_ from working for the Wizarding government. And they want to recruit more people to their side. Is that right?” She stared at him, eyebrows high on her forehead, but didn’t wait for an answer. “But you promised _Sirius_ you wouldn’t tell Dumbledore right away. Doesn’t matter that you’re Head Boy, doesn’t matter that it’s me they hate. Doesn’t matter what I think at all, does it?”

“Of course it matters what you think. But it’s just three days.” James dragged a hand through his hair. “It’s his brother, Evans.”

“His brother who wants to join people who think I shouldn’t exist!”

“We don’t know that, we don’t know that Reg believes that. Sirius isn’t sure.”

“Whether he personally believes it or not, he’s joining people who do.”

“Malfoy said they’re not trying to eliminate Muggles or Muggleborns. They’re just trying to make sure purebloods run the government.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s just old families grasping for power.”

“Lucius Malfoy was there? And you believe him? You think he’s a trustworthy source, now?”

“I’m not saying he’s trustworthy, Evans, but it was a meeting for Voldemort’s supporters. He thought he was among friends. Why would he lie?”

“It was a recruiting meeting, sounds like. So, he lies to make it sound reasonable, make it something people can get on board with.” She shrugged. “Maybe he even believes it himself. But it won’t stop with excluding Muggleborns from the government. It never does.”

“It does if we stop them.”

“Exactly!” She spread her hands in front of her. “That’s why we’ve got to tell Dumbledore! Immediately!”

James shook his head slowly. “I can’t do that to Sirius. I promised him time to talk to Reg.”

Lily opened her mouth to object, but he held up a hand and bobbed his once head in a grudging concession. “But, fine. Maybe three days is too long to wait.”

She snorted. “You think?”

“Don’t get tetchy with me, I’m just trying to do the right thing!”

“I’m not getting _tetchy_! I know you think you’re doing the right thing, helping Sirius. But you should’ve told me, James, and we should’ve dealt with it together.” Her voice was rising in both pitch and volume. “This affects me, too, and that’s what we agreed! We’d deal with these blood-supremacist tossers together. _I’m_ the one they want gone.”

“I know that,” he muttered. “I know this is your fight more than anyone’s. I didn’t plan to keep it from you forever, I just wanted to get more information first.”

She had the sense he was holding something back from her. “But why not just invite me along?”

“I already told you, I didn’t want you to try and stop me,” James said through clenched teeth. “And sneaking off to Knockturn Alley on a Friday night is much more Sirius’ bag than yours, anyway, so—”

Lily’s jaw dropped. “You went to _London_? Tonight?”

James’ hand jumped to his hair, and a sliver of guilt shone through his defiant mask. “Shite. Did I not mention that?”

“You know you didn’t! What were you thinking? That’s so dangerous!”

“We were careful. We thought about every detail, practiced all our concealment charms, planned for a diversion if necessary—”

“Wait,” Lily interrupted. “Is this what you and Sirius were doing that day you were talking about Christmas crackers? You told me it was for a prank on Peter!”

“I didn’t tell you anything. Sirius is the one who said we were planning a prank. And,” he added, “we did plan a prank on Pete. It just wasn’t the only thing we were planning.”

“Sirius said it, but you confirmed it! You lied to me.”

“No, I didn’t,” he corrected, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. “An omission is not a lie.”

“It is when it’s something like this!” She couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice. “We’re supposed to be partners, James.”

Something inside James exploded and burst out of his mouth in a humorless laugh. “Partners. Ha!” His expression was fierce. “So, is that it, then, Evans? We’re partners when it’s convenient for you, but if I want to _talk_ to you at a blasted dinner party, you get to act like you don’t know me from Merlin? Not much of a partnership, is it?”

“Oh, for the love of Godric,” Lily cried, standing up with her hands on her hips. “I _knew_ it! When I first noticed you were gone, I wondered if you left without telling me because you were angry with me. And I’d almost convinced myself that wasn’t it, just now, but it was, wasn’t it? You’re angry I wouldn’t talk to you at Slughorn’s party, so you sneaked off without telling me!”

James jumped to his feet, too. “How many times do I have to tell you: I didn’t tell you about the meeting because I thought you’d stop me from going!”

“Yeah, I probably would’ve, seeing as you had to go to bloody Knockturn Alley! And now you’re not even going to tell Dumbledore about it!”

“I _am_ going to tell Dumbledore! I’m just giving Sirius a chance to talk to Reg first, and then I’ll tell Dumbledore everything.” He shook his head. “Look, you can say it was dangerous or a bad idea all you want to, Evans. But don’t feed me this shite about us being partners when I can hardly get you to speak to me.”

“What are you on about? We talk all the time! I tell you everything.”

“In private. And then in public, you pretend we’ve never met.”

“Oh, come off it, I didn’t act like we’ve never met,” she snapped. “I just don’t want the whole school—not to mention a roomful of strangers—to know we’re dating.”

“Well, you needn’t worry. After tonight, no one in the world would suspect you have any interest in me at all!”

“Well, good!” Lily yelled. “Because I’d look like an absolute _moron_ for being interested in someone who didn’t take the _Death Eaters_ seriously before he saw them with his own eyes! Never mind I’ve been telling you for weeks that they don’t want me in the Wizarding world, and I may not be able to find work here after Hogwarts! I suppose you just figured I was making it all up!”

“I never thought you were making things up! I was there for that conversation with Livia Burke, you know. I’ve seen the rise of these amateur dark wizards here at Hogwarts since we’ve been here. I’ve never doubted that pureblood supremacists exist, and I’ve seen them long before tonight.”

“So then why can’t you understand why I want to keep us a secret?”

He threw his hands in the air. “Evans, they’re pushing their anti-Muggleborn agenda whether they know we’re together or not. We both know that. And you’ve said it yourself, you want to fight them. You _just_ said that,” he repeated. “So why are we hiding?”

“I’ll fight them because I’ve got to. That’s not the same as going looking for a fight.”

“You don’t have to go looking for it, the fight’s on our doorstep.” James sighed. “I know you’ll always stand up for yourself. For your right to be here.”

“Of course I will!”

“So, why won’t you stand up for your right to date whomever you please? That’s just a bridge too far?” He snorted and shook his head. “Maybe it would be easier if you just found some half-blood bloke to be your boyfriend. Then you probably wouldn’t attract any attention from the Death Eaters at all.”

“Oh, my God!” Lily gasped. The remaining air wooshed out of her lungs as though she’d been kicked in the chest. She inhaled raggedly. “I can’t believe you said that.”

“Well, what do you want me to say, Evans? For months we’ve done whatever _you_ wanted, whatever _you_ needed, whatever _you_ were feeling on any given day of the week." His brow was furrowed, and he jabbed a finger at her in time with his words. "And I was all right with it, you know why? Because I care about you, and I figured you cared about me, too, you were just trying to figure things out.”

“I was! And I do care about you!”

“Do you care about _me_ , or do you care about having someone to distract you from all your problems?”

Lily blinked. She was still breathing heavily, and her heart was racing. “Wow.”

He barked out another angry laugh. “Or maybe you just like having someone to get you off whenever you’d like.”

“Fuck you, James!”

“You wish, Evans.” He turned towards the door. “I’m going to stay with the lads tonight. See you around.”

“No! We’re not done here!”

He paused with his hand on the doorknob. Lily held her breath. After a moment, he sighed heavily and reached up to ruffle the back of his hair.

“I think we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch :(


	24. In which James Thinks It's Lily's Turn To Talk

James threw open the door to the seventh-year boys’ dormitory, annoyed that it had been charmed not to bang into walls. The charm wouldn’t allow it to slam properly, either. Unfortunate, really. The loud sound would’ve been satisfying.

His eyes settled on his three friends, all seated on Sirius’ bed, staring at him expectantly. He grunted in greeting.

“All right, lads?”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Well, none of us had to go tell our girlfriends we snuck out of school to go spy on Death Eaters tonight, so...” He shrugged. “Yeah, we’re all right. Better than you, at least.”

James stopped short. “How do you know it went badly? I didn’t do anything wrong, you know.”

“I’m not saying you did,” Remus said calmly. “But Sirius told us you were going to talk to her, and now, forty-five minutes later, you come in looking like someone’s just told you Crumple-Horned Snorkacks don’t exist.”

“Fuck off,” James muttered, flopping onto his former bed with a dramatic sigh. He rolled his eyes in Sirius’ direction. “Let’s just say, I hope your conversation with Regulus goes better than mine did with Lily.”

Sirius hmphed. “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

They sat in gloomy silence for a moment, then Peter cleared his throat. “So, she’s really angry, then?” he asked tentatively. “I thought, maybe, once she saw you were all right…”

“Ha!” James popped to his feet like a puppet whose strings had been yanked, arms flailing. “She wasn’t worried about _me_. Only that I didn’t tell her what we were up to.” He buried a hand in his hair and began pacing. “She wouldn’t shut up about how we’re supposed to be partners, you know? It was ‘partners this,’ and ‘partners that’ as if _she’s_ not the one who pretends she doesn’t know me in public! Like I’m just supposed to wait around, tell her everything, do whatever _she_ wants all the time, but then if I want _one_ thing, if I just want to sit next to her at a bloody dinner party, that means I’m not taking her seriously, or not taking the Death Eaters seriously?”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down,” Remus said, holding his hands up, palms out. “She said you’re not taking them seriously? And what’s this about the party?”

“Yes! Can you believe that? As if I didn’t go out to investigate them _because_ I think it’s important t! As if I’m not the one who told Dumbledore about Livia before!”

“So, what’s she talking about, then?”

James huffed out a breath. “She’s upset I didn’t tell her about the meeting before we went and that we didn’t go straight to Dumbledore after, but it’s like—she’s the only one who has any say in how we deal with them, you know? If I leave her out of it, she’s angry, but if I want us to face them together, she thinks I’m going looking for a fight. But that’s not it, I just don’t think we should hide from them! She acts like they’re everywhere, but they’re not! There’s not that many of them. And they’re the ones who are wrong, not us! What’ve we got to be ashamed of?”

“Nothing!” Sirius declared. “They’re the ones who ought to be ashamed. Along with anyone who wants to join them.” The last sentence came out in a mutter.

“Exactly!” James said. “But she’s so worried about provoking them or something, and apparently that includes even talking to me in a public place. I said we could go to Sluggy’s as friends, you know, and she said it was too risky. But she thinks everything’s too risky! So, _I_ said I haven’t got to tell her my every move, especially if it’s so risky for us to talk anyway, and then she said I was just trying to get back at her because I didn’t get my way about the party!”

“Because she wouldn’t let you take her?” Peter asked.

“Yeah.” James snorted. “Only, she didn’t just not let me take her, she ignored me the entire time we were there. Treated me like vomit-flavored Bertie Botts, I swear.”

“Surely it wasn’t that bad,” Remus said, frowning.

“Oh, it was.” James fell back on his bed again, then promptly bounced back to a seated position. Electricity was coursing through his veins, keeping him charged up and unable to remain still. “I thought she _wanted_ to be my girlfriend, you know? I believed her when she said the only reason she didn’t want to tell people we were dating right away was because she didn’t want to make us a target. But that’s not it.”

“What do you mean?”

“If it were about them, she’d still be able to be my friend, just like we were before. Now, she barely wants to be my friend, and if she thinks this is what being a girlfriend looks like, she’s mental.” He shook his head. “She doesn’t want to be my girlfriend. She wants us to be co-Heads, and then she wants someone around to distract her from her problems when she needs it and just disappear like smoke in the wind when she’s done.” He swept his hands in front of his face, fluttering his fingers mysteriously, and scowled. “Guess she figured I’m already around, so it might as well be me. But it’s not real to her. I should’ve realized that as soon as she said she’s not sure she belongs in the Wizarding world. She never meant for this to be a real relationship.”

Remus was shaking his head. “I don’t think that’s true,” he said firmly. “I don’t think she wants you to disappear, and I think she does want a real relationship. And you know she wants to stay in the Wizarding world. It’s just a scary time to be Muggleborn.”

"I know that—but that’s all the more reason she shouldn't want to go it alone, isn't it? Why won't she let me be there for her?” James mussed his hair. “I _know_ she wants to stay here, I just wish she’d act like it. Hiding’s not the way.”

“ _I_ always thought you should tell people she’s your girlfriend, Prongs,” Peter said loyally. “The Potter name is protection all its own.”

“That’s not what I meant,” James growled. “I just mean—she has friends here, people who care about her. I’ve _told_ her this. She’s got you lads, and Marley and Dorcas. And she’s got me.” He spread his hands imploringly, then jabbed a finger at his own chest. “I’m not just her boyfriend, or whatever it is we’re doing, I’m her friend. She said our friendship was important to her. She said no matter what happened, she didn’t want to lose that.”

“She said the same to me,” Sirius said. “About you, I mean.”

“Right.” James sagged back down onto his bed. “So then why won’t she let me be her friend?”

The boys were silent for a moment, then Sirius shrugged half-heartedly. “I dunno, mate,” he said. “Who knows what’s going on in that head of hers? I told her ages ago she had to stop jerking you around. I thought she’d listened.”

“She’s not trying to jerk him around, she’s just scared!” Remus said sharply. “Even though we don’t care she’s Muggleborn, and we don’t care who she dates, you know that’s not true of everyone. You know there are people who’d want to hurt her just for existing—and that’s saying nothing of if they knew she was dating a pureblood wizard!” He glared at his friends. “Didn’t you just say Lorcan Nott was at that meeting, waxing poetic about the sanctity of bloodlines? Wasn’t that just three hours ago that you heard that?”

“Sure, but—”

“But what? She should throw herself in the path of people like him?”

“Of course not! No one’s saying she has to throw herself into their path,” James argued. “But treating me like a friend, at least, instead of like a bloody house elf sent to do her bidding, that would be nice. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I can’t see how that would draw the Death Eaters’ attention. We’ve been friends all year, haven’t we?”

“I agree.” Sirius rose to his feet and began to pace. “She needs to make a choice. Either she wants to go out with you, or she doesn’t. Either she’s your friend, or she isn’t. She can’t have it both ways. She can’t keep up this tap-dance along some imaginary line, trying not to draw their attention.”

“That’s all I want. She said we should face them together, she said that long before she agreed to go out with me—”

“Exactly! So, what’s she waiting for now?” There was a storm raging behind Sirius’ grey eyes. “She knows she’ll have to fight them. We all will, if we stand for anything at all! She belongs here, and it’s _cowardly_ for her to just sit quietly while these wankers try to tell her otherwise! Is that the kind of wizard she wants to be?”

“I agree, mostly,” James said, sliding a hand under his glasses to rub his eyes. “But I wouldn’t call her a _coward_.” He frowned, unsure why he was defending her right now. “Selfish maybe, but not a coward.”

“Well, she’s acting like one!” Sirius retorted, and this time, James didn’t argue. Still, Sirius wasn’t finished. “She’s acting like she doesn’t want to fight at all, like the decision’s already been made for her, and she has no choice but to follow this path, and—”

“Pads,” Remus said, his tone quietly scolding, and Sirius broke off abruptly. “What’s going on with…your brother, and what Prongs is going through with Lily, they’re not the same.”

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and turned to look out the window. “I didn’t say they are,” he muttered.

“No, but all this stuff about which path to follow and not being a coward…”

“Fine, I was wrong to call Evans a coward.” He rolled his eyes as he turned to face his friends again. “But _she’s_ wrong for acting like she and Prongs can’t even be _friends_ anymore because of these tossers. She’s angry he didn’t tell her about the meeting, says he can’t fight them without her, but she’s also not willing to face them together? It’s madness.”

“Yeah!” James’ righteous indignation returned full-force, and he slapped his hands onto the covers next to his thighs. “None of it makes any sense!”

Remus quirked an eyebrow. “After that meeting, you still say it makes no sense that she’d want to make herself invisible to them?”

“Well, no.” James sighed. “I get that part, I think. But does she plan to only fight them in secret, too? Because that’s not how she acted when we had to talk to Burke, or when we found out Avery was taking Muggle Studies. That’s why it feels like whatever she’s doing right now, the secrecy—it isn’t about the Death Eaters, not really. I know she wants to face them. So it must be about me. Us.”

He fell backward onto his pillows. He hadn’t acknowledged that fear until now, not even to himself. He had expected being with Lily Evans to feel like flying his broom on a warm, sunny day. Instead, he felt a chill surrounding their relationship, like the sun was hidden behind clouds, leaving him shrouded in darkness and doubt. How did Lily go from begging him to promise that nothing would ruin their friendship to treating him like the only thing he was good for was what he could give her behind closed doors?

James rubbed his eyes again. He suddenly felt so tired. “I can’t only be her friend when it’s convenient to her. That’s not what friendship is, and it’s certainly not what a boyfriend is. We should support each other. She should let me support her, and not only when she’s feeling lonely and randy.”

“Gross,” Sirius muttered. He was still staring out the window with his arms folded tightly, jaw clenched.

Peter’s eyes were wide. “Did you tell her that?”

“More or less.” James sat up with a shrug. “She acted totally shocked, like she had no idea what I was talking about. And then she told me to fuck off, and I just…left.”

Remus cringed. “You just walked away? You told her you think she’s using you, and then you just left?”

“Yeah, I did.” He pinned Remus with a challenging stare. “What else should I have done? Promise I’ll never go anywhere without telling her, as long as I live? Tell her I’ll just wait over there in the corner until she needs me again?”

“You know that’s not what she wants.”

“I don’t know what she wants, and I’m not sure she does, either.”

“And if she’s not sure what she wants, she should leave you out of it,” Sirius said. “I know she’s scared, but she’s not being fair. You’re the last person who would put her in danger, and she knows it. Why’s she acting like she can’t trust you?”

Remus glared at Sirius and started to respond, but James held up a hand. “Let it go, Moony. He’s right, whether you want to admit it or not. I swear, she trusts me less now than she did before we started dating.” He shook his head. “But I’ll tell you the same as I told her—I don’t want to talk about this anymore tonight.”

“All right, I’m sorry. It’s just—never mind.” Remus sighed and massaged his temples with one hand. “You’ll talk to her tomorrow, though, right?”

James shrugged. “I don’t know yet. Probably.” He paused, thinking. Some of his anger had faded, leaving him just plain hurt. But if he went to talk to her and she said one more thing about them being partners, or accused him again of not taking the Death Eaters seriously, well…

“Ah, shite.” He buried his face in his hands, then lifted his head with a groan. “She wants to tell Dumbledore about the meeting first thing tomorrow.”

“What!? She can’t!” Sirius whirled to face James. “I’ve got to talk to Reg first.”

“I know, I know.” James scrubbed his hands down his face, knocking his glasses askew. He righted them, then continued, “It’s part of her whole bit about how I’m not treating Voldemort like a real threat. In her mind, if I give you time to find Regulus, it means I don’t care about Muggleborns. It’s absurd.”

“I can’t believe her!” Sirius exclaimed. “Of all people, I’d expect her to understand why I’ve got to talk to him.”

“You’d think. She’s just so damn stubborn!” James exhaled heavily. “But she’s angry with me, not you. I’ll remind her of that in the morning.”

“Might be best to let me do it, eh?” Remus offered, his eyes sympathetic. “I can send up a note asking her not to go to Dumbledore until we’ve had a chance to chat. She’ll listen, I think.”

“Remus did calm her down earlier!” Peter piped in. “She came looking for you after the party, but when Remus told her you were fine, she believed him. Barely even looked angry!”

“Right. I suppose since she’s not dating him, she still trusts him as a friend,” James muttered.

“Thanks, Moony,” Sirius said. “I’ll try to find Reg as early as I can tomorrow. Just keep Evans away from Dumbledore as long as you can.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Remus promised. “But like James said, she is stubborn.”

“But more with him than with anyone else, don’t you think?”

There was a forced lightness to Sirius’ tone, but his words held too much truth for James’ liking.

James made a vague sound, leaving his friends to interpret it however they wanted, as long as that interpretation ended the conversation. It was half-two in the morning, and he was completely exhausted, physically and emotionally. He pulled out his wand and murmured an incantation to transform his trousers and shirtsleeves into pajamas. “Good night, lads.”

“Good night, Prongs!” Peter said, clambering from Sirius’ bed.

“Night,” Remus and Sirius said, nearly in unison. James didn’t wait to see if they planned to sit up for a while. With another wave of his wand, he shut the curtains around his four-poster bed. He set a Silencing charm and pulled his covers up to his ears.

He didn’t want to hear another word before sunrise, and possibly longer than that.

* * *

Despite not falling asleep until close to three, James rose before seven in the morning. Part of him itched to confront Lily, see if she was ready to acknowledge that despite her claims to the contrary, she hadn’t been treating him like a partner or even a friend. But another, more stubborn, part of him felt that he’d said all he needed to say already, and if they were going to continue this conversation, it would be on her to seek him out. Besides, he had already agreed to let Remus try to talk her out of going to Dumbledore, and it wouldn’t do anyone any good for James to get her worked into a tizzy before Remus tried to reason with her. It would be best for him to stay away from her for a little bit.

Having convinced himself of that, he considered what to do with these early morning hours. He thought about sneaking up to his room to shower and change clothes but decided against it. Lily wasn’t likely to be up this early, so he wasn’t worried he’d run into her. But if he went up there, the urge to knock on her door might overwhelm him.

After another moment of thought, he transfigured his clothes once again, this time into a plain white t-shirt and joggers. He used a finger to scrub some toothpaste over his teeth and splashed some water on his cheeks, then ruffled his sleep-flattened hair and headed to the Great Hall for an early breakfast.

None of the other Gryffindor seventh years were at the table when he arrived. Unsurprisingly, the other Marauders had all been asleep when he left their dormitory – it had been a late night, after all. Marlene and Dorcas had taken to staying in bed a bit longer on the weekends, now that they were dating, and Mary and Evelyn had never been early risers.

It occurred to James that Lily may have gone to them for comforting after last night’s argument, much like he’d gone to his friends. He scowled briefly at the thought. She shouldn’t need any comforting. During every moment of their brief dalliance, he had tried to be understanding and supportive, even when she was pushing him away. And now she had the gall to try to turn it around and say that _he_ was going places without her to punish her? She was ridiculous. All he’d done is point out her hypocritical behavior over the past week.

But Remus’ voice echoed in his head: _“You told her you think she’s using you, and then you just left?”_

Well. That had, perhaps, been a low blow. Most of the time, he didn’t at all feel like Lily was using him. He enjoyed the time they spent together as much as she did. Even beyond the snogging, they cuddled and talked and laughed – they even occasionally did schoolwork. But that just made it all the more frustrating each time she slammed a metaphorical door in his face when she saw him outside the safe haven of the Heads’ quarters. It seemed like all those bits of their relationship, the little actions and emotions that made up the friendship she claimed she valued so deeply, were now the bits that scared her the most.

A frown creased James’ forehead. A couple of younger students seated farther down the table watched him surreptitiously, but he barely noticed their stares, so focused was he on thoughts of last night’s events and his maddening girlfriend. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. He felt like he was missing something important.

He managed a few bites of toast, then left the breakfast table and made his way outdoors. Some fresh air and a glimpse of the early morning sun over the Forbidden Forest would do him a world of good. He wandered the grounds without aim – or so he thought. But soon he was standing in front of the Quidditch shed, and he smiled as he unlocked it and took out one of the school’s training brooms. The school brooms were old and not very fast, but that didn’t matter at the moment. His feet had led him there for a reason. Twenty meters above the ground had always been his favorite place to organize his thoughts.

* * *

James spent nearly two hours in the air, but he still wasn’t sure why he and Lily were so out of synch. No matter which way he looked at it, her behavior didn’t make sense to him. Of course, as a Muggleborn, she faced more risk from the Death Eaters than he did. But he knew that, and _she_ knew he knew that – it was why he had tried to protect her from having to deal with them at all back in September. So, was she deliberately misunderstanding him now, claiming that he wasn’t taking the threat seriously simply because he had pointed out that they were a bunch of wankers whose ways she already intended to challenge? And why, after making him promise snogging wouldn’t ruin their friendship, had she decided to stop acting like they were friends at all?

He glided down to the earth with a sigh. He trudged to the shed to deposit the borrowed broom, then began the walk back to the castle. Usually flying made him feel lighter, like whatever troubles he had been holding onto were carried off by the wind, but today he felt just as burdened when he landed as he had when he first picked up the broom. It was becoming clear to him that he was not going to figure this out on his own – he was going to have to talk to Lily sooner rather than later if he wanted to work things out between them. And he did want to work things out between them. But _she_ was going to have to be more open with him and tell him what was really going on.

 _Do not go to her_ , he warned himself. _She needs to make the first move._

After all, she was the one who needed to prove she thought he was worth talking to.

Worth fighting for.

He forced himself to walk at a normal pace. When he reached Gryffindor tower, held-in energy had him stumbling through the portrait hole and bursting into the Common Room like a puppy who hadn’t yet grown into his feet. _Brilliant, Potter. Very smooth_. He regained his balance and glanced nonchalantly around the room, looking for his friends or his girlfriend, and not quite sure which he would prefer to see. But none of the seventh-years were there. With a grunt of annoyance, he dropped all pretense of playing it cool and bounded up the stairs to the boys’ dorm.

It was empty. James checked his watch; It was nearly nine o’clock. Too early for the library, even for a perpetually nervous student like Peter. Perhaps they had all gone to breakfast.

His hand jumped to his hair. Lily would be awake soon, if she wasn’t already. She might still be upstairs, he could easily arrange to bump into her. But if she was only just waking now, Remus wouldn’t have had a chance to speak with her yet. Or maybe she was at breakfast, as well, and she and Remus would talk afterwards.

The hand in his hair closed around the coarse strands and tugged. He had never been one to sit and wait for things to happen. But he had been counting on his mates to keep him occupied for a bit, so he didn’t do anything rash. They would gladly remind him of all the reasons why sitting outside Lily’s bedroom door until she emerged wasn’t the best idea.

He took a deep breath. A shower was in order. With any luck, the lads would return before he finished, and if not, at least he’d be cleaner and calmer before he ran into anyone.

As soon as the hot water touched his skin, James wished he had showered sooner. He bowed his head and let the water stream over his neck and shoulders, only truly realizing how tightly wound he’d been as he felt his muscles relax. The steam was soothing, and the steady pounding of the spray against his back and the tiled floor was loud enough to block some of his more intrusive thoughts. He dropped his head back so the water hit his face and chest, then slowly soaped his entire body. As the suds washed away and down the drain, he imagined his worries going with them.

By the time he turned off the water, he felt infinitely better. He pulled on his same transfigured joggers and t-shirt and laid down on his bed. The urge to run to Lily and force her to speak to him had subsided, as he had hoped it would. He smiled and fluffed his pillows a bit; perhaps, now that he was more relaxed, he could catch up on some of the sleep he had missed last night.

Unfortunately, sleep wouldn’t come. He wasn’t angry, or even anxious to confront her anymore, but no matter how hard he tried not to think about her, he couldn’t turn his mind away from the mystery that was Lily.

He was grateful for the disturbance when Sirius entered the dormitory fifteen minutes later. That relief turned to concern as soon as he saw the other boy’s face.

Sirius’ jaw was clenched tightly, lips pressed together, giving his slender face with its high cheekbones a nearly skeletal appearance. But in stark contrast to the sharp angles of his face, his skin was flushed a soft pink, and his eyes were on fire. The dark, sometimes cold, grey orbs looked like molten silver now, hot and swirling with rage.

The tension that had melted away during James’ shower immediately hardened around him again. He climbed out of his old bed. “Reg?” he asked simply.

“Yep.”

James sighed and dragged a hand through his hair. “Sorry, mate.”

“No more than I,” Sirius murmured.

“What’d he say?”

Sirius fell backward onto his own bed and shot some red sparks out of his wand towards the ceiling. “He thinks Voldemort is on his way to being the most powerful wizard in the U.K., and it only makes sense to join up now. He thinks Muggleborns and half-bloods are weakening the wizard community. Claims he doesn’t care about _Muggles_ one way or the other. He just wants to protect the ‘Black family legacy.’” He snorted. “Absolute rubbish.”

“‘Doesn’t care about Muggles one way or the other,’” James repeated slowly. “So…if Voldemort decides we should, say, enslave them, Regulus is fine with that?”

“Probably,” Sirius said scornfully. “He never did have much in the way of his own opinions.” His voice softened. “When we were boys, he used to follow me around, doing whatever I did and mimicking everything I said. But after I got to Hogwarts, after I got sorted into Gryffindor, he stopped. Tried to become a mini-Walburga, instead.”

He sat up suddenly and barked out a joyless laugh. “He actually tried to convince me it’s not too late for _me_ to come around, isn’t that something? Said even if I don’t think Muggleborns are a disgrace to Wizardkind, I could join Voldemort and protect our legacy. He said Walburga might _forgive_ me!”

James cringed. “Surely he didn’t think that would work?”

“I don’t think so.” He shook his head. “I think he just wanted to make sure I knew he wasn’t going to change his mind. But…for a second he looked hopeful, you know? Like maybe I’d join him, or he could come with me, and it could be like it was when we were kids.”

“Yeah.” James ruffled the back of his hair. “I’m sorry, Padfoot.”

Sirius shrugged, but his eyes looked sad now. “He’s made his choice.”

James put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “At least you tried.” He hesitated for a moment, as a thought occurred to him. “So, should I go on and tell Dumbledore about the meeting, then?”

“Oh, I already did.” Sirius pulled slightly away from James’ grasp and waved a hand dismissively. “Figured you and Evans have enough to sort out without adding that to the mix. Besides, you’re _Head Boy_.” He smirked half-heartedly. “Wouldn’t want the Headmaster to think you’re so irresponsible as to break out of school to follow some Dark Wizards to London without telling anyone.”

“You—what?” James blinked. “You told him you went alone?”

“Nah, I told him the same thing I told Reg. I said overheard my brother and Snivellus talking about a Death Eater recruiting meeting, and they’re trying to get Hogwarts students to join up. I said I heard them mention Malfoy and I know the Burkes are involved.” He ticked off each name on his fingers, then flipped his palms up casually. “He doesn’t need to know we left school.”

“But he must know you would tell me if you overheard such a thing.”

“Yeah, I told him I told you, and you’re keeping an eye on Snivellus. I told him you wanted to tell him immediately, but I wanted to talk to Regulus first, and you let me because you’re a good friend. You know what it means to be someone’s brother.” He shrugged, as though his actions, his words, meant nothing. They meant everything. “Anyway, he seemed to buy it.”

James swallowed hard. “Thanks, mate.”

“Yeah, well.” Sirius shrugged again and offered a bitter smile. “At least I could help someone, right?”

“You did. I mean it.”

Indeed, if the various issues between James and Lily were like balloons filled near to bursting, Sirius’ revelation had gently let the air out of at least one of those balloons. Lily’s insistence that James was being cavalier about the Death Eaters was tremendously frustrating, but, worse, James was convinced it was something of a red herring. Taking the decision of when and what to tell the Headmaster out of their hands gave her one less excuse to hide behind, one less smokescreen to obscure the truth. One less balloon to pop in his face.

Lily may have been legitimately angry that he went to the meeting without her – _she may still be angry_ , he thought – and that was her right. But she’d been walling him off, relegating him to very specific and limited corner of her life, since before the meeting ever became an issue.

It was time for her to tell him why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> progress?


End file.
